Is this friendship dying? Next chapter!

(67 Posts)
soislife Sun 20-Oct-13 08:36:54

Hi all,

Thought I'd post again as got great advice last time plus I awoke to a new development & needed some help to decide what to do!

Quick background if you didn't read last post: BF & I friends for over 5 years. Bridesmaids for each other, she's my DD's Godmother. This last year I've been making the effort to contact her, she never makes first move & this year I've had a pretty rough year - 2 major surgeries and I lost a baby. She really hasn't been there.

Anyway last week I asked whether I should just let things be. General consensus was just be there if she wants to see you. Shouldn't be all or nothing. In the week it was her birthday. Dropped round a present and card but I couldn't stay long as she was having a stressful time at work and wanted to rest. I asked her if she was planning on doing anything nice for her b'day, she said her DH was taking her for dinner. I logged into FB this morning and there were photos of a dinner party with some of my other friends. Now I'm really confused (& hurt). No-one mentioned a party & now it seems like it isn't just my BF that's distancing herself, other friends are too (unless they went to party expecting to see me & if they did what did she tell them?).

I can't for the life of me figure out what I've done to warrant this treatment. What do I do? Confront? Ignore? Can't stop thinking about it.

pigletmania Mon 21-Oct-13 01:05:46

I would let it go, and te friendship tbh, sounds like you have grown apart

guffaw Mon 21-Oct-13 00:46:54

My dearest best friend and me went through a mutual experience (a very stressful, work related course) it was extremely wearying, and time consuming.At the end of this she told me she wanted a break, to be just with her family, who she thought she had neglected over the months we had worked together on this course.

Several weeks turned into several months of occasional phone contact, until her niece contacted me to tell me my dear friend was terminally ill, saw her a couple of times, during which we talked about things that she said only I would have raised, and which she desperately wanted to talk through, she died before we had a chance to stop talking about everything she wanted to say.

All I would say is meet up, try to get things out in the open and sort out how your friendship will go forward, tell her you love and miss her (if you do), tell her how much you need her (if you do) at least have the conversation, then you know you have done everything possible for someone you love and care for, if she doesn't need it right now, let her know that if she ever does again, your love for her is still there.

best wishes for you, losing the closeness of a valued friend, in whatever way, hurts.

Retroformica Mon 21-Oct-13 00:09:05

If talk to her in person and say you feel disappointed about the party and support.

springybiffy Mon 21-Oct-13 00:00:54

I don't really get this picking up and dropping friends, like gradually no longer wearing a dress you were once mad about. And for her to bustle you out of the house saying she was 'stressed' shock

urgh and urgh. Not sure she's worth the breath tbh. That is just shitty. Plastering photos all over fb with your mutual friends. urgh.

I'm in two minds about this. I'm in a similar position in that a very old friend seems to be distancing herself - I saw her in a supermarket recently, stood in front of her, and she pretended to not see me (you couldn't make this up...). It is now clear that she has been doing a planned exit for some time (went right over my head lol) and I'm wondering about whether to write to her. I've tried talking to her (in a non-confrontational way) but all I get is the fobbing off stuff. If I wrote it wouldn't be angry, just mystified; a kind of farewell letter.

But I'm not sure someone who gets you out of her house (when you've come a long way to give her a present), then invites all your friends to a party - when she is your dd's gm - is worth it. She sounds ignorant.

HellYeah3 Sun 20-Oct-13 23:48:09

Or you could play her at her own game and see how she likes it and have a party and not invite her. Might show her how hurtful it is.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 20-Oct-13 23:34:47

She didn't say she searched, she said the photos came up. So it's the OP's friends that were there. One of whom she could ask if she can't ask the person in question.

TrueStory Sun 20-Oct-13 23:09:58

Call me naieve (if only I could spell it), but isn't searching people's activities on Facebook, sort of spying on people?

You have my biggest sympathies OP, esp. after buying present etc, so I don't doubt your dilemma/situation.

But isn't looking up friends and what they're doing, sort of spying on them? Nothing good can come of it IMO. And equally, I would add, nothing good can come of putting up photos of a birthday party to all and sundry, but not including other friends.

confused

southeastdweller Sun 20-Oct-13 22:38:24

It's really awful, Laura, but this thread's been helpful. It hurts. Working up to a gentle but firm chat soon.

Laura0806 Sun 20-Oct-13 22:29:49

No, I uess youre right. Maybe your pride if she says nothing! Hope you got some answers to your situation southeastdweller. Its not pleasant is it?

dubstarr73 Sun 20-Oct-13 22:22:54

I had this a few years ago my friend was being off with me,we never lived in each others pockets.Was supposed to be going away on a weekend,didnt hear fro her all week,the thursday she pops up and sprouts some shite.We went anyway had a good time but i could feel something wasnt right.So i askThated her if i did something to offend her she said no.A few months later i had my baby,she was away on holiday.
She turns up 6 weeks later,says we have to get together soon.4 months later she was supposed to meet me,never turned up.
What really hurt was i was out with the baby in the cold to meet her.
I went home and rang her no answer.So i deleted her number ,i got the hint.

That was 2 years ago and havent heard from her since.I would let her get in contact and if she doesnt you know where you stand.

southeastdweller Sun 20-Oct-13 22:09:12

But at least there's a chance she'll know what happened. And she's got not much to lose anyway by the sounds of it.

Laura0806 Sun 20-Oct-13 21:51:14

I think you just relaise southeastdweller, that the friendship isn't that deep by the actions of the friend and then the conversation doesn't seem worth having.

southeastdweller Sun 20-Oct-13 19:53:00

Great post earlier by minnie.

Also agreeing with TheArctic about reclassifying the relationship into something not as big, that's if you really can't face a gentle talk with her.

Laura0806 Sun 20-Oct-13 17:42:49

To be honest Im not sure she will give you a straight answer. I had a similar experience , a BF and godmother to my dd who droppped me after some ridiculous issue over our older sons. She gradually started inviting all our mutual friends to things and not me and when I asked her if there was an issue she denied it and threw me the odd crumb suggesting we do something together in a month or so's time and when we were out gradually started ignoring me. Its awful now as we just don't speak, but see each other a lot. Now I look back, the signs of her behaviour were always there, shes treated other people badly and they weren't surprised. Im really sorry for you because its awful when you go through a tough time to find people you cared about aren't the people you thought they were. Like you say, the church and its community can provide a religious influence on your dd and my advice would be to find other friends to throw your energies into. As you say why waste your energy by throwing parties for these old friends. Life is too short to waste it on people that can't be there for you. Find people who can whilst remaining civil and light hearted to these other so called frineds. So yes do the inane rubbish talk on facebook but detach yourself from it and put your energy in other people. PM me anytime

Mia4 Sun 20-Oct-13 17:15:37

I think it depends on the nature of the friendship TheArticFunky, how it used to be especially. I wouldn't have a problem saying it to some of my friends, others yes but some would welcome the honesty outright rather then distancing and uncertainty on both or one side.

If you want the friendship back OP or the closure of 'knowing' then ask her either call or email. If you can distance (she sounds like she may not be too bothered but only you can guess that for sure) then just withdraw and find like-minded people to spend time with.

TheArticFunky Sun 20-Oct-13 16:07:15

I'm not sure it would be a good idea to ask her outright. It puts her in an awkward position and causes tension.

I think you have a good idea what's going on. I think your friend has probably just moved on she sounds quite immature and as other posters have said you aren't massaging her ego anymore. Just let it be. Keep her as an acquaintance who was once a friend. If you put her on the spot she will probably make a drama out of it and it could cause an atmosphere with your other friends.

Mia4 Sun 20-Oct-13 15:55:45

OP why don't you just ring her up and talk to her. Tell her you've felt there's distance between you and you aren't sure if you've just grown apart because you're now two very different people. Ask her if she feels you haven't been there for her and then, if you want, tell her you feel a bit unsupported.

You need to communicate though, you need to see what her pov is and where, if anywhere, you can take this friendship.

I really don't understand why you can't just ask her. If you don't feel like you can talk to her truly the friendship really wasn't that deep was it?

soislife Sun 20-Oct-13 14:47:47

Would it appear needy to ask though? It's my dignity thus far that has prevented me saying anything. That's why it'd been six weeks (before I dropped present round) without contact.

I feel I should just let things be now that the initial shock of seeing the FB pics has worn off. I've had a crap year, I really only want positive influences around me.

Thanks everyone!

comewinewithmoi Sun 20-Oct-13 14:41:58

It's at the point where you either ask her or let it go.

soislife Sun 20-Oct-13 14:37:46

Yet more great advice. Thank you!

My health is almost back to 100% so I could arrange some nights out but after being "ignored" for so many months I really don't want to put the effort in, especially if I get knocked back! Would rather spend my time with DH & DD who have put up with an awful lot this year.

The more I think about it it's obvious BF has moved on. Her new BF (who she is being bridesmaid for) is 10 years younger than me (BF is 5 years younger than me) so maybe the fact I'm old and boring has played a part!

Interesting comments about her being GM. We were very choosy who we picked as, as I said up thread, we haven't got many family members so wanted to create a bigger family for DD. I guess she'll always be her GM but her religious guidance can come from our church.

Milkjug Sun 20-Oct-13 13:58:11

Do you want her back OP, godmother duties aside? She sounds juvenile and superficial if what she wants from you is instant responses to Facebook updates...? If that's all she's got to offer to someone who clearly needs more, I'd write her off and if she doesn't make an effort to be your daughter's godmother, get a new one.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 20-Oct-13 13:24:32

I can see how this would be hurtful. I'd let it go, don't contact her, see if she contacts you. Like others have said, the ball is in her court.

GiveItYourBestShot Sun 20-Oct-13 13:10:11

I think Tanith is right, but as someone who has been very needy and has lost friends in exactly the way she describes, I don't want them back.

OP, is there a mutual friend who was at the party that you can trust for an honest word?

blondieminx Sun 20-Oct-13 12:59:36

Tanith great post

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now