To tell dd she can't go on school trip

(56 Posts)
EvaBeaversProtege Fri 20-Sep-13 08:16:04

Dd (11) has already been on one residential this term. It was a class bonding trip as she has just started yr8 in a new school.

We had to pay £30 for the trip, even though it was labelled a 'residential' they didn't stay overnight, we're home by 4pm.

She came home last week, said she'd joined a sports team & as part of the bonding they had been asked on a residential. Same place, same cost, just with different people.

At that time I told her if she wanted to go she would have to do mOre chores in the house to earn the cost as we've been paying money left, right and centre for the last three weeks.

She agreed.

Day one, no chores, too much homework.
Day two, only one (unload dishwasher) and she didn't put the dishes away
Day three, again, too much homework hmm yet when I enter the study she's glued to YouTube.

Anyway, in my mind she didn't keep her end of the bargain, but yesterday it all hit the fan.

She has a mental block re: maths. Says she can't do it, hates it, her maths teacher 'hates her' and gets her name wrong all the time (have said teacher has so many new names to learn, cut her some slack)

But it's no coincidence that DH is amazing at maths, part of his job etc... So yesterday when dd was saying "daddy you'll have to do my maths for me, I font understand it" I said l

EvaBeaversProtege Fri 20-Sep-13 08:18:48

Shit, pressed too soon!!!

I said no, she doesn't listen in glass as she just knows dh will show her, she needs to take responsibility.

She yelled shut up mammy, just shut up!!!! To my face,

I told her she wasn't going on the trip. I was due to pay it today, but I wouldn't give her the money this morning.

I told her at 11 she needs to see all her actions have consequences.

Dh disagrees, he said we agreed she could go & then I moved the goalposts.

AIBU?

daftdame Fri 20-Sep-13 08:24:06

I don't think she should have to 'earn' her school trips at age 11. Set boundaries regarding what she can agree to without your consent.

The homework is a separate issue. She may be genuinely finding it difficult. If your husband can support her learning without doing the work for her for example show how to work out the same sort of problem but with different quantities, that may help.

Chores again IMO should be a separate issue. Look at her timetable and work out what doesn't take long and get her to do that. 5 or 10 minutes should not eat in to her time too much.

Shakirasma Fri 20-Sep-13 08:26:08

No YANBU, you made a conditional agreement and she failed to meet those conditions.

As for speaking to you the way she did, that needs nipping in the bud and I think you are quite right to make her see there are consequences for unacceptable behaviour.

You and your DH need to have a good chat and make sure you both sing from the same hymn sheet. Consistency is essential for clear boundaries. DD must be shown that she cannot divide and conquer.

DameDeepRedBetty Fri 20-Sep-13 08:26:31

Eh? Does DH understand that the trip was conditional on certain chores etc being performed, and those chores were not?

The rest of it's window dressing, yes she's being a pain right now, but being a pain/not being a pain isn't what the bargain was about.

You set a rule, she's failed to obey, end of.

Wowserz129 Fri 20-Sep-13 08:28:02

Personally if she just joined a sports team and all the other team mates were going on this 'team bonding' day, I would let her go. I think its a but harsh to not let her go but I would make sure when she got back things were done housework wise. Maybe she does find math difficult?

Mama1980 Fri 20-Sep-13 08:28:24

Yanbu you set conditions and she didn't meet them. At 11 she can easily understand that.

Plus if my children had spoken to me like that it would have been a straight no regardless.

cory Fri 20-Sep-13 08:29:29

Have to say I agree with daft. Separate issues. If you genuinely find the trips too expensive, you will have to tell her that. But don't make it related to school performance.

The maths- if someone has a mental block, then telling them they need to listen in class isn't going to solve it. You're not inside her head, you can't possibly know if she is perhaps listening and failing to understand it. If your dh is good at maths he should sit down and teach her.

My dd had a mental block about maths, mainly due to missing classes. We got a friend to tutor her, solved the problem in no time. But no amount of telling her off or punishing her would have done it.

YANBU and she needs to learn now that she can't make a bargain with you and then not hold up her end and still expect to get what she wants, that makes for one spoilt and entitled little madam. Your Dh should be backing you up and telling her no just for the way she spoke to you, that would loose all kinds of nice things in my house.

mynewpassion Fri 20-Sep-13 08:30:35

If your dh can do a better job explaining it let him. He shouldn't do it for her though.

That's a different issue from the contract you made with her regarding the trip. Separate. So you combining them is moving the goal post.

The rudeness should not be tolerated.

Groovee Fri 20-Sep-13 08:31:11

Actually, yes I think you were right to do conditions for a school trip so soon after another one.

My dd came home with a trip to New York, we agreed but she's turned it down now as her friend had conditions and by day 2 had completely failed to meet them.

These trips all mount up and it's fair enough to say no if it gets too much or if the child expects that they can just go on them.

For maths practice try getting her on https://www.khanacademy.org/ it's free and they cover just about everything.

BrokenSunglasses Fri 20-Sep-13 08:32:39

YANBU to stop her from going on the trip after you made an agreement that she didn't stick too, but I don't think you should have made an agreement like that in the first place.

She's only 11, and she's started at a new school when everyone else has already had a year to bond. She needs the opportunity to be involved as much as possible, so I wouldn't have made a trip like that dependent on behaviour, the fact that she's joined a sports team is good thing.

Sometimes they do get too much homework to want to do much else when it's finished after a day of school as well. If she's watching YouTube when she's meant to be doing homework then that's not good, but if her homework is done well I'd focus on that.

Did you spell out to her exactly what she needed to do and then encourage it, or did you just say more chores?

drinkyourmilk Fri 20-Sep-13 08:35:19

I think there are two different issues, the maths, and her behavior.

Wrt her behavior last night, unacceptable and there would be consequences.
Wrt the maths, I would let your dh help her understand. Why on earth would you think its ok to stop her father helping? Maybe she isn't paying attention in class, or maybe she genuinely doesn't understand. Unless you are present you will never know. If you are concerned, then maybe her dad could only be available during her favorite tv program or something? That way she would be less
likely to be simply acting out.

FlutterShyPinkiePie Fri 20-Sep-13 08:36:50

For what it's worth, I had a mental block re maths, still do actually. I tried so hard in class, had times tables pictures all over my wall, nothing I or my teacher did helped.
My father was fantastic at maths, it was only when he started to coach me I scraped past my exam, it made all the difference.
I think YABU

Sirzy Fri 20-Sep-13 08:38:40

How do you know she doesn't listen in class? If she struggles perhaps she just needs that extra bit of help to do it? I see nothing wrong with parents helping with homework - infact it is great that he is helping.

EvaBeaversProtege Fri 20-Sep-13 08:39:02

Sorry, I need to run to work here, but just quickly:

Re: maths block - this girl just came top of her y7 class in the transfer test, she got 2 marks less in her maths than her English.

I understand dd, she couldn't be bothered going her own maths homework & thought her dad would just do it for her.

I usually dont make her 'earn' trips, but the other one was just last week & it's a good bit if money for one child.

The trip isn't essential.

When I told her she wasn't going on trip she asked if she still had to do the chores!!!

I'll be back this evening. Thanks to advice (both sides!) so far.

geekgal Fri 20-Sep-13 08:39:56

I agree with daftdame that there are a few things you're conflating here. When you said " in my mind she didn't keep her end of the bargain" did you actually tell her that? Because if you didn't she's not to know. I don't agree that 11 is too young to learn you have to earn your keep (essentially that's what chores are) but because she's only 11 it won't necessarily be obvious to her that she's done a bad or incomplete job unless you tell her.

I think the trip now though should probably be off but not sure to the lack of chores, she screamed at you to shut up right in your face! There's no WAY a kid of mine would get that trip after that. She's 11, not 2, she needs to know actions have consequences. That's not moving goalposts, it doesn't really have anything to do with the chores, she's being punished for misbehaving. So YANBU (although not about the chores, you should probably still have told her as she was going along that she wasn't doing them properly to be strictly fair...)

Bluebell99 Fri 20-Sep-13 08:41:15

I like my children to have new experiences and think residential trips are good for their independence so if I can afford it and they want to go, they can go. I don't think it should be dependent on on chores or Maths homework, and yes, your dh should show her not do it, but your comment to her about listening in class is unhelpful. Maybe she takes after you rather than your dh, and finds Maths difficult to take on board.

Merrylegs Fri 20-Sep-13 08:42:22

But she is taking responsibility for her maths in a way. She is telling you she doesn't understand it. She is telling you she is struggling. Her solution was to ask her dad for help. That's a very good solution. Ok, he shouldn't do it for her but she has a great resource there that she can use.
Who knows how chaotic the classroom is and at what pace the teacher is going?

Shouting at you was Not On though obviously.

livinginwonderland Fri 20-Sep-13 08:42:45

I think you seem to be linking lots of unrelated things together here.

WRT to the maths - lots of people struggle with maths. Like your DH, my dad was great at maths and it really helped to have him go over things with me before I did my homework. It really helped me understand things. I think YABVU to not let your DH help his DD with homework! I think her outburst was down to frustration - she knows her dad can help and you basically said "no, DD, you have to struggle alone" which is v. unfair imo.

WRT to the trip - could you not just give her a list of chores that need to be done by X date in order for her to be able to go on the trip? Saying "do more chores" isn't really a goal for an 11 year old. Give her a checklist, and tell her she needs to complete the entire thing in order to go.

Merrylegs Fri 20-Sep-13 08:44:06

Oh, I have seen all the double posting on here and now I have managed to do it too - first time ever. How does that happen?!

BrokenSunglasses Fri 20-Sep-13 08:45:27

Of course she asked if she still had to do the chores.

You made the chores related to the trip, and now you've said she can't go on the trip. So it naturally follows that she shouldn't have to do them anymore.

If chores are part of what she has to do in life anyway, she wouldn't have asked.

thebody Fri 20-Sep-13 08:45:33

er at 11 she shouldn't have to help pay for school trips. that's harsh in my book.

her dad helping her with maths homework, yes why not, that's what dads do.

re her rudeness yes not in but she's 11 and probably about to start her periods.

you will need to cut her some slack over the next few years as hormones kick in or your house will be a battle ground.

mynewpassion Fri 20-Sep-13 08:45:43

Chores not homework was the deal.

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