ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
to not want a visit from dh 's relatives at 33 weeks pregnant.(71 Posts)
First things first....I love dh's famy but they are hard work when they come to stay. They are not English and though they are very nice I do find their visits a bit stressful. They always seem to turn up in the UK when I am heavily pregnant. This time 4 of them want to come and stay next weekend in our 3 bed smallish house for a few nights! We have a nearly four year old and a two year old and I am pretty knackered most days. I have also had some complications this pregncy to make things worse.
Their stays are made hard for me as they like food but not English food to the extent that the one Aunty preferred to eat some African food at my table she had taken off the plane to the dinner I had slaved at all morning and me having to make tons of food not even knowing if they Will eat it! They pretty much expect to be waited on hand and foot by the wife (me) and apparently have tons of luggage.
I feel like I don't need this right now.
I am supposed to be taking it easy with placenta previa but this is stressing me out already and they aren't even here yet!
My placenta previa was in 1972. No ultrasounds then. I just suddenly started bleeding at 34 weeks. Worthless incorrect test to locate placenta, said it was at top and to back but really it was at bottom and to front. A partial pp.
So I stayed in hospital with bleeding all night and emergency C section at 5:30 a.m. Skinny little baby boy, critically ill with Hyaline Membrane Disease. We are so lucky he pulled through. He was in NICU two weeks.
Today you would have pp properly diagnosed, get steroids (I had no time for that), and they have surfactant for preemie's lungs.
But baby is much better off staying in utero for weeks. I think you should get your mom down to take care of you as she will look out for you and protect you. Cause your husband is failing at that. And your mom would not be there to cook for the bunch of them either.
OP -it's all very well you saying you have to live up to expectations or thath you are scared of being seen as a "bad wife" but
<deep breath here> I'm going to be harsh but I think it needs saying
YOU AND/OR YOUR BABY COULD DIE IF YOU DON'T REST
Unlikely I'm sure but always possible that's why they advise caution.
This is not a time for social niceties or cultural sensitivities.
SO your "D"H doesn't like medical talk or hospitals, many don't but you know what if it comes to it he would have to deal with that take a deep breath & cope.
If you can't do it as mumytime says get the MW to spell it out to him.
My only suggestion is to get either your GP, Consultant or Midwife to speak bluntly to him. He has to know the truth.
My DH has a fear of blood and needles, but was there for me for the birth of all 3 of our children, even the CS. Your DH really does have to understand and take your health seriously (or this is not a marriage worth anything).
If you want something to change about this OP, you are going to have step up. You sounds very passive about it!
TELL your DH that he either stops them from coming or you will phone them yourself and do it. If they all decide to overrule you anyway, go to your Mum's!
You can stop this from happening - but you have to ACT.
I can sympathise with his dislike of hospitals, as I have panic attacks in them. It is important that he fully understands what he is putting at risk. Just because he doesn't like hospitals, doesn't reduce the risk. I don't think you're helping him, despite the kindness, by minimising it. Midwives and doctors don't tell pregnant women to rest for the sake of it.
I'm sorry if I'm being blunt. I don't want to upset you by reminding you of your situation (I tried to block it from my mind most of the time, but it never really worked), but it is unfair that you shoulder the emotional burden alone. My DH is a good man, but when I was put on moderate bed rest for the end of my pregnancy, he just didn't get it and neither did people who hadn't gone through it themselves. Part of the problem is that you probably feel fine, other than normal pregnancy stuff. You don't feel in a potentially life threatening situation. It sounds like you're doing fine too, which is brilliant, but he needs to understand that if this changes for the worse, the result for him WILL be hospital visits and potentially watching you in a medical emergency. He needs to see that you taking it SUPER EASY is protecting HIM from an awful situation, because of his issues around mother's death. It's not nice, but he needs to be worried.
My mother had PP with my brother when I was 2. She spent three mo this in hospital, because NHS practices were different then (more budget guess) and they just wanted to keep an eye on her. Family had to scribble to look after me, but she was out if the fray. There are clearly distinct advantages to not spending three months in hospital, but the downside is that relatives etc don't seem to get that the situations that require rest are potentially quite serious.
How about suggesting a compromise that doesn't involve the relatives staying ? Presumably they are meeting up with other family members too - and if so you could arrange to pay a visit while they are staying with Auntie Doris, or meet them at a restaurant along one of their journeys.
That way you will still get to see them but you can at least sit.And if you pay it'll still be cheaper than feeding an entire extra family for several days.
I really would speak to your husband's relatives directly - if the uncle is a doctor you could speak to him and he should understand the seriousness , plus he could then explain to your husband. I bet the relatives will be understanding if you explain the problem directly, whereas if your husband tells them he will completely minimise the medical risks.
OP, if you don't rest you and your baby might die (sorry to be blunt, but that is the risk we're all talking about). If he regards his relatives' expectations as more important than that risk I think you have much worse problems in your marriage than mere unwanted guests. You have to spell out to him (or better, from the sound of things, get a male medical professional to spell out to him) what the risks are if you don't rest, otherwise he'll think you're making a fuss about nothing, you'll react to his view rather than the medical reality and you'll do too much.
Tell him/them that as they are coming to visit YOU in YOUR country, YOUR cultural expectations are the ones that need to be met.
Better to scare him now so that risks can be minimised , as opposed to pussy- footing around the issue now, you doing too much because of his unfeasible cultural expectations, and ending up with him being bloody terrified that his wife and baby might die.
So you're willing to risk the life of your unborn child to keep up appearances because of your husband's family's cultural traditions? When you visit his family in Nigeria are they on a similar forum going 'We're so stressed! DB's coming over with his wife from the UK and because of her cultural traditions the men are expected to help out all week! It's a nightmare!'? Didn't think so! Does your husband always rule the roost whatever the consequences to your health and well being? I'm sorry to sound blunt OP, I can't imagine the stress you're under. I'm just incredibly angry on your behalf. I think he NEEDS scaring - sod the 'oh bless him, he doesn't like hospitals blah blah'. His child could die unless he grows up and puts you first. Sending unmumsnetty hugs.
Would if help if your DH heard this from a medical professional? Do you have a midwife appt coming up or can you arrange one that your DH us present at - they are usually pretty good at making it clear you need to be taking it easy (especially if you pre-brief them)!
They may have come a long way but they haven't come all this way just to see you I presume or they'd have checked the timing was convenient. I presume you're just on a "to do" list so can be crossed off if not convenient. I'd be discussing staying elsewhere for a few days if your husband won't tell them to get a hotel. Visitors don't tell people when they are coming especially pregnant ones. There isn't enough room in your house. If they can afford the air fair from Nigeria for 4 they can afford a few nights in a travel lodge.
I don't get why some people think squishing visitors into a too small house is being hospitable and why some visitors expect this. Yes visit people during the day, have a meal together go out together but why this need to stay in their house if there isn't room?
At least its only for a few nights, my dp is Nigerian and family visits tend to be for weeks not nights!
You need to be strong though, sit on your bottom and do nothing. Just think, its going to be far more stress for you, dh, your DC if that baby comes premature. Put your feet up with lots of magazines, explain the situation and get them waiting on you.
My best friend had pp at 36 weeks, no warning bleed, just one giant bleed. Baby was delivered by emcs, was very touch and go, my bf needed blood transfusions and a short stay on labour ITU.
Sorry, but in this case you have to tell him the worst case scenario.
If he doesn't come through, then I'd be reconsidering the relationship.
But you are responsible for your health and of your baby, so just do what you have to regardless of what others may think.
Grrr. Can you print out some information about it (this thread, for instance?!) and slap him round the face with it?! (Tongue-in-cheek, not advocating violence......). Seriously, would him reading about it help? I know that my dh leaves much of the research etc on things to me, but will read up on it if I tell him it's important and he has to.
Sorry you are in this situation - not what you need right now, I guess.
Oh gluten. Bless u. I would gladly come! I am origionally from west midlands but down in LondonLondon now.
Scare him. Better now than if it actually happens because of stress. He had to be a big boy now and understand this. What does he think otherwise, that you are just being difficult?
I don't think he realises it can be. I have told him but also not wanted to scare him either. His mum died when he was very young so he doesn't take illness very well. He hates hospitals ect. I was thinking of speaking to his sil but don't want to cause any tension in the family.
I like inertia's suggestion, especially the last line.....
I presume it's crossed your mind (and I mean this very gently): what if the activity of having this family causes the worst to happen? You, your dh and his family will never forgive yourselves - you especially. Plans have to be changed, they just have to. And the new plan has to involve you doing NOTHING. At all. I wish I could come and whisk you away to stay with us for a few days so you could ignore them all (are you East Midlands?!). We'd look after you.
Do you know what?
I would phone the relatives yourself. Explain that you are under doctor's orders to take bed rest due to a high-risk pregnancy. It's really not possible for them to stay with you at this time and you have to put your unborn child first.
You need to do this yourself because your husband clearly won't. And you might find that they are understanding and offer to stay elsewhere. You just need to cut out the middle man. If they won't stay elsewhere, explain that you won't be able to cater for them , it'll be your husband in charge and it'll be the bare basics- and if they are rude enough to insist on coming to stay when told that it doesn't work for the sake of your health, then you should have no worries about appearing rude by decamping elsewhere.
Then I'd start getting bloody angry with DH for over-ruling his wife - multicultural marriage or not, there are two people in it with an equal say.
Timefor, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Taff mum said she would come and help if need be but I would then need to find her somewhere to stay too.
I think you are all right though (obviously!)
Its going to be a nightmare unless plans are changed:-(
I think you need to share all the pp stories with your dh. does he realise what pp is?
my story is very similar to yours. 3rd pregnancy, bleed at 21wks followed by 1 week in hospital. it was only a partial then so sent home with scan booked for 34wks. no more bleeds until a rather big one at 31wks. hospital admission, had a scan once bleeding subsided and it was then a pp4. I then stayed in hospital with a section booked for 35wks.
the emotional and practical aspects of that admission fell to my dh. the children still talk about it and my middle dd is still (5yrs later) worried every time I have to go to hospital that I will have to stay in.
ds arrived at 33wks after another bleed and an emergency section . he had a three week stay in scbu and I was sent home after 4 days.
Absolutely everything they all said. Lay it on the line to dh about what could happen (I feel for you, it must be terrifying). He should absolutely be looking after and protecting you right now, your sofa should be your friend. Be strong!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.