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To cancel going to an evening wedding do in favour of friend's party?

(37 Posts)
rumbelina Colombia Thu 22-Aug-13 13:25:59

We have accepted invitation to evening do for not-close friends but at the time I didn't click that the date was the same day as friend's birthday and that it is a milestone birthday.

So of course friend is having party on the same day. No crossover, different cities. Friend is in home city and is good friend although we don't see each other as often as we'd like. If it wasn't a milestone I'd go to the wedding but I know how much effort it will be for her to be child/baby free and she will go to a lot of trouble.

WIBU to retract the acceptance? And if not, do we just come clean or do we need to embellish it a little to make it seem less rude - eg say that friend changed the date and I'm helping so committed...? Or something.

rumbelina Colombia Thu 22-Aug-13 13:26:38

And have I made a massive error in posting this in AIBU rather than chat?

LifeofPo Thu 22-Aug-13 13:27:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LIZS Thu 22-Aug-13 13:28:32

It would be rude to retract your acceptance e, do you want to continue to be friends with the bride/groom ?

YoniMitchell Thu 22-Aug-13 13:31:18

It's rude to renege on an already accepted invitation, IMO. Better offer or no.

Floatsyourboat Thu 22-Aug-13 13:34:43

It's not rude to retract at all, you made an error accepting that's all. You need to let the wedding peeps know ASAP and tell them you have doubled booked unfortunately. Send them a present and wish them luck. It's not a big deal because it is just an evening do you are missing.
Hope your pals party is a blast smile

Sondosia Thu 22-Aug-13 13:35:02

YABU - the birthday may be a milestone one but weddings are significant events too and you should honour your commitment. However, if you do choose the birthday over the wedding, I think lying to the bride and groom about the reason why is worse than seeming rude for backing out!

rumbelina Colombia Thu 22-Aug-13 13:35:18

It's not a better offer as such - I knew she was having a party and that I would go, I just didn't remember when accepting the wedding invite. My own fault.

Not trying to wriggle out of BU btw, I'm genuinely looking for other people's opinions before deciding what to do.

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 22-Aug-13 13:36:28

shame on you for not knowing good friends birthday wink

normally i would say that you go to the first invite you accepted

but as wedding is further away and evening do, and friends bday is local and a big one - i would contact bride asap and apologize and say you realised you have double booked, if need be blame oh and say they agreed to go to other invitation grin

wish bride a lovely wedding day and make a time to catch up after honeymoon/see pics etc

the quicker you let bride know the quicker she can cancel your meal (if any) or invite someone else

messybedhead Thu 22-Aug-13 13:36:43

Forget the wedding!

You were only invited to the evening. They probably won't notice if you were there or not.

Go to your friend's birthday instead.

AliceinSlumberland Thu 22-Aug-13 13:36:59

I would go to your friend's party - if you're just evening invites the bride and groom won't miss you that much but it sounds like your friend would miss you a lot. Just make something up.

Will they notice you are not at the wedding?

rumbelina Colombia Thu 22-Aug-13 13:41:01

Loving the mix of responses although it's not helping!! smile

I wouldn't actually know the bride if I passed her in the street - I've seen her once but we've never 'met'! Groom I don't know that well but is very nice and would hate to offend him.

rumbelina Colombia Thu 22-Aug-13 13:42:50

I must get back to work but will check thread later.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Thu 22-Aug-13 13:43:01

You don't even know the wedding couple, I doubt they will notice your absence whatsoever. I wouldn't think twice about switching plans.

PoopMaster Thu 22-Aug-13 13:45:10

Bizarrely this nearly happened to us this weekend (luckily the birthday party was held the next day, not on the actual birthday).

When I realised the date I was getting ready to turn down the evening do invitation, I do find them a bit like saying "you're a B-list friend" so wouldn't feel bad in not going.

Bowlersarm Thu 22-Aug-13 13:48:18

Ooh against the grain here.

I absolutely loathe people cancelling something they've agreed to go to, because something better has come up.

Rooners Thu 22-Aug-13 13:50:20

Send a nice card/maybe a present to bride, explaining you are no longer able to come.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Thu 22-Aug-13 13:50:25

it might not be best from, but do you really want people at your wedding/party who don't want to be there? I know I don't. Kind of misses the point of celebrations entirely, imo.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Thu 22-Aug-13 13:50:41

*form, not from.

Rooners Thu 22-Aug-13 13:51:05

I agree about it being just the evening so they may be fine if some can't make it iyswim - if it were a proper invite then it would matter far more.

BalloonSlayer Thu 22-Aug-13 13:51:19

I think I would go for the friend's party.

What I'd suggest is this. Send a present in advance - this is what people used to do anyway - and with it a note explaining that you are disappointed and really sorry but you are not able to come after all. Don't give a reason. Hope they have a wonderful day, will raise a glass to them, lovely couple, hope you like this present which I bought before I knew we couldn't come, lots of love xxxx

Sorted.

bellablot Thu 22-Aug-13 13:52:36

It's rude to retract on an accepted invite? Since when and who made this unreasonable unwritten rule! If these are your friends then of course they'll understand. Since you only got an evening invite anyway I presume they wouldn't be that close (family for instance). Ultimately you will know what is the right decision in the end, these things always turn out for the best. smile

BalloonSlayer Thu 22-Aug-13 13:57:57

And I feel compelled to add that I have been married twice blush and at both of my weddings I have had people just not turn up. These were "day guests," not evening ones. No "whoops sorry we can't make it after all" beforehand and in one case no explanation offered afterwards either. confused

If you make even the smallest effort to be apologetic about not being able to come I think it'll be fine.

You already accepted the party invite then you messed up on dates. No shame in cancelling the wedding do at all.

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