To not want to live in a total minging filthy old pig sty?

(31 Posts)
weightwatcherscheese Tue 23-Jul-13 12:35:55

DH and I both work full time. I work from home but I am freelance and really work hard and cram in the work as much as possible. We have 3 DCs, ranging in age from 5 to 14.

I am sick to the back teeth of everyone else in this house wanting to live in a total dirty pig sty and not cleaning up after themselves. I do everything at the moment; laundry, housework, cooking, shopping, cleaning up, tidying. Everything. The eldest will occasionally hoover her room but that is about it.

And it's not just the basics of running the house; everyone is so dirty and so messy. I came down this morning to a kitchen floor covered in mud, and plates, bowls, cups and glasses everywhere. I had to clear it all away before I could get breakfast for the youngest and I. They all leave stuff everywhere; books, clothes, shoes, dirty crockery and cups, wrappers, magazines, you name it.

DH makes it clear he won't do anything in the house. He will maybe stack the dishwasher once a month or sometimes bring in a few bits off the clothes line (and then dump them on the worktop or floor for me to sort).

I am totally fed up with it. Before I can do any housework I have to spend around 2 hours tidying up first every day, it's that bad.

OnTheNingNangNong Tue 23-Jul-13 12:40:03

Don't do it. If it's on the floor it goes in the bin. Your husband is a lazy arse. He needs to do his share of work in the home

VinegarDrinker Tue 23-Jul-13 12:42:02

Why on earth do you tolerate your husband's attitude?

Ginocchio Tue 23-Jul-13 12:43:07

If my DP was making it clear that they won't do anything in the house, I'd be making it clear that they can find somewhere else to live!

Seriously - how rude! What's his reason for not helping? I presume he has limbs, as he's able to do the dishwasher on occasion?

fuzzpig Tue 23-Jul-13 12:43:20

Your DH is a twat, why does he think he gets to opt out?

fackinell Tue 23-Jul-13 12:47:11

Stop doing everything for everyone (but yourself and the DC's that are too young to.) get the eldest DC a laundry basket for their room and tell him/her it's now their responsibility. Same with DH. Refuse to cook for anyone else (older) until they clear up after themselves. Start a chore rota and refuse to do any cleaning until you see them stick to it. It will be awful but they'll soon get sick of your strike action.

Or even better, if you can afford to, head off for a wk with the littlest one(s) and leave your husband to it for a week.

I work at home too and after months of nagging (and getting grumpy results from DP) I am seriously thinking of billing him for a cleaner on his wk!!!! angry

DameFanny Tue 23-Jul-13 12:47:41

Give them a list of things they have to do. Anything left gets dumped in a crate - dirty sucks, clean clothes, food-encrusted plates - and emptied onto their beds.

And ask your h what the rate of pay is for a housekeeper?

Eyesunderarock Tue 23-Jul-13 12:48:41

Do I have the strength to post on yet another doormat thread?
All your children are of an age where they can contribute towards keeping the house reasonable, your DH should have been pulling his weight since the moment you moved in together.
So work out a rota, sort out some basic rules about dirty dishes and toys and crap and become a sergeant major until everyone gets the message that you are not a slave.
But bloody hell, why the fuck have you tolerated being treated like this? When did it all become your responsibility?

WireCat Tue 23-Jul-13 12:50:24

Why on earth won't your dh do anything?

My dh leaves the house just after 6 every morning & doesn't get I. Till nearly 8. He'd still do some housework if I asked him to. And he'd make his own dinner.

And I don't work!

You need to train the kids. But your dh, he needs a bloody good kick into touch. What an arsehole he is.

OnTheNingNangNong Tue 23-Jul-13 12:55:21

I will say, my 6 year old opens his curtains, makes his bed in the mornings, tidies away and puts his clothes away. He is also able to put his clothes away sort himself a basic breakfast if he wants and can sort his own drinks. He's been doing most of this since he's been at school.

You need a list of jobs to share out. Or leave the mess everywhere and sod off on holiday to leave them all to the mess.

cheerfulweather Tue 23-Jul-13 12:56:04

I don't see why your dh won't help out! You must refuse to do things for him.

Could you, in the meantime, get a cleaner, paid for by both of you. We have one three times a week and it makes a big difference.

valiumredhead Tue 23-Jul-13 12:56:47

What eyes said!

LastTangoInDevonshire Tue 23-Jul-13 12:56:57

Bin bags are your friend - just put it all in bin bags and put it outside. They will soon learn, I promise you. Be ruthless, take no prisoners !

weisswusrt Tue 23-Jul-13 13:00:12

Damefanny this is what I do, only sometimes I like to get creative. Dirty clothes get shoved into the owners pillow case, dirty plates go in their sock drawers, basically I make sure their mess inconveniences them as much as possible.

angeltattoo Tue 23-Jul-13 13:00:30

DH makes it clear he won't do anything in the house

How's that then? Is he not a human being with two arms, two legs and a brain? Presumably one that needs to eat and wear clothes, and parent the children he has fathered? How does he manage to do these things without needing to do housework?

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Jul-13 13:01:35

You have been with your DH long enough to have a 14 year old together and yet you've tolerated him not doing anything round the house? Why?

Heres the thing, look at it from their point of view, why should they do anything round the house? I mean, you might get stroppy, but you then do it for them. Your DH has been given a free pass. You've not screamed, you've not walked out on him for a decade and a half, you've probably occassionally got upset, but then as long as he rides it out, it's business as usual.

People treat you the way you let them. DH wouldn't treat me that badly, because if he had been a fuckwit when it came to doing equal stuff round the house, i'd have walked out on him long before DCs came along.

Sit your DH down, make it clear you've had enough and you thinkyou deserve to be with a man who treats you with respect, and is prepared to do his fair share of hte household tasks. He can be that man if he wants. Of course, i'd do this because thsi would be a deal breaker for me, it's obviously not something that bothers you that much or it wouldn't have taken you so long to get to this point. (Your DCS have learned from their father, you've shown them it's your job, why the fuck should they do it if you won't make your DH?)

IvanaCake Tue 23-Jul-13 13:03:39

Your Dh has made it clear that he won't do housework?! Why the Jeff would you let him get away with that!!?

Dh is easy to deal with; you stop doing his washing or preparing his meals.

Your older dc can be house trained by rewards or removal of privileges, what ever works.

Eyesunderarock Tue 23-Jul-13 13:03:47

It just makes me want to scream and tantrum when I see post after post from reasonably intelligent and independent women who are complaining about how they are treated as domestic unpaid servants by the other members of their family.
Fair enough if you loved doing it, and if your soul sings with maternal love and spousal satisfaction as you minister to your family and the nest.
But if it pisses you off, why tolerate it?
Your children are 5-14!
What on earth are you teaching them about personal responsibility?

LastTangoInDevonshire Tue 23-Jul-13 13:07:00

weisswusrt - a girl after my own heart you are ! I was not beyond putting dirty clothes and plates in the same bag and hiding them in back of the garage.

As you say - until you inconvenience THEM, nothing will change.

"If you always do what you've always done OP, you'll always get what you've got!!"

Keztrel Tue 23-Jul-13 13:08:42

Yes, what eyes is saying x1000. Maybe the rest of your family aren't bothered about being quite as clean and tidy as you are, but that doesn't mean you have to do it all. They are taking you for granted and your DH is being a huge huge dick.

magimedi Tue 23-Jul-13 13:10:29

Eyes - You just expressed exactly what I feel.

It is beyond me why so many women put up with this.

Dear Goad, it is 2013 not 1913.

BridgetBidet Tue 23-Jul-13 13:13:59

If your husband doesn't want to contribute to the housework he should employ a cleaner to do his share. If you can't afford that at the moment it means he has to give something up so you can. Like beer at the weekend or golf or something.

Pigsmummy Tue 23-Jul-13 13:15:10

For an easier life train the children to be tidier and pick up after themselves, dump all their stuff in their bedroom if they leave it out, don't wash things unless they are in laundry basket etc.

I will likely get flamed for this but.....get DH to pay for a weekly clean, you have put up with this so long that I doubt that he will change, 14 years is too long, I don't think that just stopping cleaning will change him it will just lead to a filthy environment and unbearable tension. Tell him how shit he being and how is has set a terrible example to the children.

A weekly cleaner can do thorough clean, vacuum, mop, do kitchen and bathrooms so all you have do is laundry (get kids to put away own clothes and use laundry baskets) and day to day cleaning that the children can help with. Think about chores you hate the most and try to either get the children to help or get the cleaner to do that. You work full time, give yourself a break and enjoy spending (DH's) hard earned money on improving your home life, it can't be a lot of fun doing everything and getting nothing back. I really feel for you, my house work has got on top of me but because my DH isn't home and I have a baby.

ouryve Tue 23-Jul-13 13:25:12

DH might seem like a lost cause, but if he thinks cleaning up after himself is beneath him, then he needs to employ a cleaner, out of his own leisure fund, if nowhere else that affects no one else has any give. (and make it clear to him that you're his wife, not his mother, and that it's as much his home as yours to have to look after).

You need to be more assertive with the kids. They can't expect you to bend over backwards for them if they don't pull their weight. If their clothes don't end up in the laundry basket, they don't get washed. They don't get to go out with their mates until they've cleaned up after their dinners.

My 9o has SN and he's still expected to do a fundamental amount of tidying up after himself and looking after his things.

MammaTJ Tue 23-Jul-13 13:29:56

DH makes it clear he won't do anything in the house.

Quite honestly, if he makes this statement and you put up with it, nothing we say or do can make a difference to your life. You are obviously ok about it, to have nothing about it for so long.

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