To think she is asking a little to much of me as a bridesmaid?

(291 Posts)
ovenbun Mon 24-Jun-13 09:54:47

I feel super unkind writing this and may need a MN slap for it but I am getting a bit tired of my dear friend's expectations of me as a bridesmaid.

Firstly can I say I am so very pleased and happy that she is getting married and I do genuinely feel lucky to have been asked and very very happy to be part of it all smile I think i might have facilitated the problem too by being so happy and enthusiatic ...and now i feel very guilty that my enthusiasm is waning as im finding it all a bit hard work..we have been preparing for over 2 years and even when the wedding was 2 years away we went away for my husbands birthday n she brought massive files of wedding stuff for us to work on..and expected regular trips of all of us to wedding fairs, girly wedding prep evenings with the bridesmaids..i didnt see it as an issue at the time but my husband has said lately 'thats where it all started'..

I have been grated by comments/expectations such as 'you have to commit to a dress size' someone innocently said that the potential brides dress complemented the bridesmaids dresses n she launched into a big rant 'they are there to complement me' (true but no need to spell it out) and just general narcissim really...its so disheartening because i love her so much but this stuff is spoiling our relationship.

The thing i find most hard is i am also bridesmaid for two other close family members while she has been planning (long engagement) and she has been quite disparraging about their weddings even to the point of making quite an unkind status about the weather on one wedding day..and making a big deal about her wedding (a hairstyle practise night, dress shopping and a preparation evening) all in the week leading up to my family members wedding...bear in mind her wedding is over a year away.

wedding dress shopping...we have monthly appointments to attend with 1 or 2 shops each time to 'last it out',,she expects a large group of extended family n friends to attend each of these, we have even had to ring wedding shops to see if we can skype people in...the time in the shop is magic n she looks so beautiful i do really love it, but afterwards we are all expected to only discuss the wedding and to spend a long time going through many photos of her in each dress,
(from 2/3 different cameras). I once made the mistake of asking another bridesmaid how her son was doing in his exams (on the way home from the shop) and the bride interjected with 'he will look so handsome in his suit for MY WEDDING'

Their wedding is well over a year away and i am expected to give at least two days a month to things like prerparation evenings which are lovely but focussed on making things for the wedding, compiling the several wedding files (kind of like a library of 100 mood boards), pinning to the 6 wedding themed shared boards she has made on pinterest etc.

the latest is that we are all expected to attend a '1 year before the wedding' celebration meal at an expensive place...she has said she understands if its too much money but I just feel so pressured...I want to be there but not to bash other peoples weddings or to be measured on my topics of conversation..

I can't address is with her can i? or it'll make her feel sad and like im not interested which isnt true at alll..i just find the intensity of it all a bit tough...god im a horrible person aren't I? Help!

Abra1d Mon 24-Jun-13 09:57:32

This is completely over the top and unreasonable. When I got married my bridesmaids were not expected to do all this. Just turn up to fittings and to the hen-lunch (which I arranged), and stay over-night with me and my family the night before. FGS.

soapnuts Mon 24-Jun-13 09:59:12

oh my goodness YADNBU!! seriously she is a bridezilla of the highest order - a one year to the wedding meal??? now i've heard it all

CelticPromise Mon 24-Jun-13 09:59:31

Good grief. You're not a horrible person. I understand how caught up you can get in the prep for your own wedding but it sounds as though she's gone a bit bananas confused I'm not sure what you can do. I'd like to think I'd gently say something but if she's this far gone she might react badly.

A one year before dinner??? Whaaaat?

mistlethrush Mon 24-Jun-13 10:00:17

No you're not a horrible person, this is sheer madness. Absolute, utter madness!!!.

As a bridesmaid you should be invited (but not expected to attend) to see her try on the dress she has chosen - but not multiple dresses once a month for the foreseeable future. You might have the odd evening where she would like your help with choosing between things but this is so OTT its unbelievable!

My bridesmaid lived at the other end of the country. We met up one weekend where we could fit her dress for her. I phoned her a few times, and we corresponded about her dress, and where she would be staying, transport etc (which we organised). And then we met the evening before and on the day....

MrsCosmopilite Mon 24-Jun-13 10:00:45

She has turned into a Bridezilla. I think you need to be busy for some of the preparation days, or if you feel you can, say something polite about the fact that this is taking over her life. After all, the wedding is just one day, the marriage is what counts.

Oh, and 6 pinterest boards for the same thing??? OTT

sparechange Mon 24-Jun-13 10:01:37

She sounds BONKERS. And I can't help but think she is going to have a gaping void in her life after the wedding, which is going to be a nightmare for all around her.

But you have kind of played along with this for so long it is difficult to see how you stop it.

Best of luck though - she sounds like a nightmare and I have a lot of sympathy...

KatyTheCleaningLady Mon 24-Jun-13 10:02:03

I wish I could use a much larger font to say

YANBU!!!

Seriously, this woman is out of her mind and of course it will be getting worse. I doubt that you will be able to talk any sense into her.

How do the other bridesmaids feel about it?

WTF???

She is nuts. I would be saying leave me out of all this bollocks, I'll see you a month before the wedding for a dress fitting. I would totally get pregnant 6m before the wedding if I could

It will get worse I think. and I bet she gets divorced before 2 years

Whoknowswhocares Mon 24-Jun-13 10:02:30

If I could stop laughing for long enough re the 'year before the wedding meal' I'd write a coherent response. Sadly, I can't!
Suffice to say yanbu
.
.
.
And friend is an idiot of the highest order!

CloudsAndTrees Mon 24-Jun-13 10:02:39

You are far from a horrible person, you must be almost front of the queue for sainthood after putting up with all this!

Your friend sounds absolutely crazy tbh, which makes it difficult for you to know what to do. If you complain that she has gone bridezilla she will probably go even more crazy, and if you put up with it, your sanity may well be non existent a year from now.

You have my sympathy.

annh Mon 24-Jun-13 10:02:41

How do the other bridesmaids feel about this??? Could you sound them out? I suspect everyone is feeling as fed up as you are with this lunacy! Perhaps you could then approach her jointly so you don't come across as the unreasonable one.

LunaticFringe Mon 24-Jun-13 10:03:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollyGoHeavily Mon 24-Jun-13 10:04:13

Good grief - that is WAY over the top and it's only going to get worse! If she's this obsessed a year before the wedding it will be a nightmare a month before the wedding.

Is there a reason she is obsessing this much about the day? Is she nervous/scared? Could you try and talk to her about the demands she is placing on you? Maybe she is so lost in the excitement of the wedding she doesn't realise quite how much she is asking of you all.

I would start to be unavailable for a couple of the events, and when she asks tell her that you have your own life and other things going on apart from her wedding. If she kicks off then you can have the frank discussion - she either backs off and tones down the requests or you resign as bridesmaid for someone who has more time to dedicate to her.

Tackle this now or you are looking at a very looooong year...

BiBiBroccoli Mon 24-Jun-13 10:04:49

Jeez, your mate is loopy! I think you need to be a bit less 'available' for all these preparation events.

YADNBU

Beehatch Mon 24-Jun-13 10:05:08

You need this person in your life like you need a hole in the head. She is seriously bonkers.

After all this preparation and build up I anticipate the actual wedding day will be anti-climatic, and might even trigger a post-wedding blues episode.

Trebuchet Mon 24-Jun-13 10:06:41

Honestly she sounds completely mad to me. This is not normal, and sounds like she's got nothing else in her life to think about. Way I see it you have a few options.
1 - say nowt grit your teeth and hope she goes back to normal after wedding. Do what you can re time and money

2 - and I think you'd have to really love her and want to save your friendship to do this- talk to her really honestly about how she's going to end up driving you away if she shows zero interest in anyone elses life.

3- prob the option I'd do.... start making a bit of a joke about how mad its all getting and trying to make your gentle point about it without directly confronting. ie, ...he'll look great for MY WEDDING! I'd maybe have laughed and said it's not all about you, you loon! As if you think she's joking when she's being particularly mad.

Good luck, its not you its her.

KatyTheCleaningLady Mon 24-Jun-13 10:07:23

I hope it rains and her black sheep drunken uncle does something horrendous on her perfect day.

TeWiSavesTheDay Mon 24-Jun-13 10:07:36

Wow. I think an intervention is necessary! What do the other bridesmaids think?

HormonalHousewife Mon 24-Jun-13 10:07:49

Wow. i would want to seriously distance myself from this person.

It can only go badly wrong.

Squitten Mon 24-Jun-13 10:08:23

She sounds demented! You know, getting yourself sacked might not be awful...

yep gang up with the others and stage the mutiny, she needs to tone it down or there will be no wedding... pity the groom smile

Wishfulmakeupping Mon 24-Jun-13 10:09:18

Good god she sounds mental. She must be driving her family crackers- how is her fiancé putting up with this?'
Back away, don't go to the twice monthly shopping session ridiculous. Change the conversion is of she keeps bringing it up. Stand up for yourself OP

Startail Mon 24-Jun-13 10:10:04

My bridesmaids were a seven year old cousin who was given some of the same fabric as my dress plus enough coloured fabric for a sash and a dress pattern.

She was told to sort out with her mum how many bows and frills she wanted, her mum could be bothered to sew.

My other bridesmaid was my, somewhat large DSIS, who was allowed to choose whatever she was comfortable in.
I think we agreed paleish blue as it suited her and the little flower girl, but beyond that I didn't care.

ovenbun Mon 24-Jun-13 10:10:19

Thanks so much ladies I have been tossing and turning feeling so bad for feeling this way...
I have staged mini mutinys, I genuinely was working for some of the wedding fairs and did rule out all the things in the week before the family members wedding, I kind of tried to say for that month i need to focus on them and be there for them, but then made the mistake of going to a girly night which turned out to be a wedding prep night in disguise....ambushed!
I'm not really sure how the others feel as they are not people i see unless she is there...and I dont want to bitch as she is rerally a great girl minus the wedding smile

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