AIBU to call off the wedding?

(61 Posts)
Delatron Fri 21-Jun-13 11:07:54

So, after 7 years together and 2 kids DP finally proposed last weekend.
Cue much excitement from me, I obviously wanted to discuss venues, dates etc. Now DP is refusing to set a date. I immediately said next September would be perfect, he keeps making jokes about waiting for a few years, won't discuss venues etc.

I don't want to turn in to a bridezilla but I have been waiting a long time for this and I am 37. I don't agree with long engagements. What's the point in agreeing to get married then waiting for years? I also know venues get booked up quickly so would need to start looking soon for next year.

So AIBU to say unless he actually agrees on a date and agrees to discuss venues then we may as well call it off?

ChaoticTranquility Fri 21-Jun-13 12:00:49

He may not be splitting up a family by walking away but his decision could end up being the deal breaker, if not straight away but by the erosion of the relationship over time.

Marriage doesn't need to be a religious commitment, it could be a civil ceremony.

So far he's shown a commitment to his children and to buying a house. Many children have separated parents, houses can be sold so I don't see them as automatically being a commitment to you or your relationship.

OP these are my thoughts. What you choose to do is only a decision that you can make.

Delatron Fri 21-Jun-13 12:04:18

Am definitey going to have a proper shout at him. It's just sad there doesn't seem to be any possible happy outcome. (unless I somehow get over the marriage thing I guess). Maybe he'll go for the registry office option.

FamiliesShareGerms Fri 21-Jun-13 12:05:06

I would be having a small, registry office do with your two children and immediate family only. Only takes as long to sort out as availability at the registry office and the legalities require.

Then have a big celebratory party in 2020 (or "meet half way"...)

Delatron Fri 21-Jun-13 12:06:50

That's how I feel chaotic. This is affecting my feelings towards him.

I think I will focus on getting the financial security side sorted but after that I am not sure where we go with our relationship.

WeleaseWodger Fri 21-Jun-13 12:09:24

You need to sit him down and discuss marriage as a financial security for you and the kids.

keep the emotional/religious reasons for wanting to marry out of it and pin him down to financials. If he's not willing to marry because its a silly paper / religious ceremony, then he should have no issues committing financially. Call him on it.

Have very specific points worked out on what financial commitment you want from him (be it placed on house deed, named in his will, financial provision for children) and think in terms of what financial rights you'd have if you divorced. As a partner, you have no rights. If both of you are willing to sign away your properties/assets to each other so that it would (financially) be the same as being married, then it may just be that to him a marriage is just a piece of paper.

Also think about what you want as financial compensation for sacrificing your earning potential due to the kids (do you want to retrain and have him contribute, do you want to go back to work, etc).

I suspect that he may not be that keen at making what's his yours and what's yours his. In which case either he'll realise marriage is more than just a piece of paper and change his mind, or he won't and you will see his real reason for not wanting to marry and can go from there.

LifeofPo Fri 21-Jun-13 12:13:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Delatron Fri 21-Jun-13 12:15:01

That's a really good idea welease. I think previously I didn't want it to be so unromantic and for it to come down to financial security but I think now, that is what it boils down to.

WeleaseWodger Fri 21-Jun-13 12:55:34

With two kids, it really becomes about being financially responsible for them, providing and protecting them, doesn't it? Hopefully he will realise this isn't about an overpriced wedding day to appease you, but doing whats best for his family.

Please also look up stuff about one of you falling ill/dying as there may also be lots of complications there too if you're not married. Even more so if either of your parents are still living, etc.

mistlethrush Fri 21-Jun-13 13:00:18

Why don't you ring up the registry office and see if they've got any dates available for his next quiet day when he can take a morning or afternoon up?

Ashoething Fri 21-Jun-13 13:12:21

My dh and I were together for 7 years before we got wed. We had friends who hadn't even been together for as long as us who got hitched before us! It was only when I gave him an ultimatum that he even agreed to get engaged after 4 years!

We were actually on the verge of splitting up-instigated by me after a very difficult period-that dh insisted that he really did want to marry me and he booked the registry office that day! We have been married for 11 years.

I understand that being married isn't important to some people but it was to me and it obviously it to you so you really need to have a proper conversation with your dp.

fedupofnamechanging Fri 21-Jun-13 13:26:52

Agree that if he's not prepared to give you the one thing that would ensure your financial security in the event of a split, then he is not the man for you.

It might be that he is completely unaware of just how vulnerable you are (in case of a split), but once you lay it all out for him, if he is still not actively willing to get married then you know he is the kind of man who is willing to take advantage of all the sacrifices you've made and who doesn't really care about what happens to you in a worst case scenario.

I would be looking at options on how to revive my own career and earning potential asap.

I think he's actually suckered you into having dc and giving up your career under false pretences - seemingly he never had any intention of actually marrying you, despite what he said. I would be feeling really hurt and angry and it would sour the whole relationship for me, because when it comes down to it, he doesn't have your back.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Fri 21-Jun-13 13:29:28

^ what Karma said. Show him that post if he refuses to set a date in the near future.

Fairyegg Fri 21-Jun-13 13:30:22

I don' t think your dps reaction is uncommon, most men just aren't that into weddings. Have you actually discussed what he wants, type Of venue, number of people, how much he expects it to cost etc? He probably doesn't realise how quickly venues etc can get booked, but equally maybe you have panicked him by being super excited and buying wedding mags, talking about it a lot etc? Or maybe he really does want a big expensive wedding but wants to spend the next 7 years saving for it? Until you actually talk to him your not going to know. Regardless, planning a wedding is all about compromise. I worry over the fact you say your prepared to leave him over this. Doesn't make for a great start IMO.

OhCobblers Fri 21-Jun-13 13:31:40

As hard as it probably is to hear, I agree with every word karmabeliever just said.
How disappointing for you OP after all this time. You do need to have a sit down and a very thorough conversation to get this sorted in your own head once and for all. I believe you've waited long enough. Good luck.

Fairyegg Fri 21-Jun-13 13:38:19

I presume your name is on the house deeds, he has sorted his pension out so that it will be paid to you In the event of his death (realise Not every pension scheme allows this without marriage but lots do), his life insurance is set so it will leave house to you Mortage free and you have made wills? If not why not? Or perhaps that's a separate thread altogether.

runes Fri 21-Jun-13 13:44:45

He doesn't have to be into weddings, but he should be into making the op happy. I think it's sad that the op got all excited only to have him wreck it with his shitty attitude. Why bother proposing lf he can't commit to some real plans, unless, as some other posters have suggested, he was being disingenuous and had no intention of actually following the proposal with a wedding. I think he's a twat if he doesn't realise the effect his attitude will have on their relationship. The op already feels things are tainted sad.

raisah Fri 21-Jun-13 13:44:50

It doesnt take ages to organise a weddinf; my bil did it in 6 weeks. How would he react if yiu suggested a registry office and a small reception at a hall/hotel or restaurant withour the mad OTT trimmings. It seems to me that you just want to get married to be his official wife s whereas he seems to be overwhelmed by the cost of it all. Thats probably why he is so reluctant to set a date.

Sallyingforth Fri 21-Jun-13 13:48:17

It sounds to me like the proposal was a spur-of-the-moment thing and he is now regretting it. Was he drunk feeling merry at the time?

ParadiseChick Fri 21-Jun-13 13:55:51

Don't have a proper for at him. Try talking?

spillows Fri 21-Jun-13 16:07:00

Take heart, Delatron I literally forced DP to marry me. I made him agree to it, then frogmarched him to get the ring, organised the whole wedding without any contribution (it took me 1 month). He just paid for stuff. Then he started to get a little keener about the details, and spent the whole day with a big grin on his face. Loved it. Loves being married grin.

He was most fearful of the formality of the ceremony, thought he'd look stupid etc. Actually the register office was the bit he enjoyed best.

I don't think you can judge the whole health of the relationship on this. Lots of men don't like weddings and shy away from them.

Delatron Fri 21-Jun-13 17:29:35

Thanks all. We are going to talk this weekend but he says he is willing to set a date for next year now. I said I didn't want a long engagement and why doesn't he wait till he is ready to marry me before asking? I think a good old chat about what we both want and when will be a good thing.

He wasn't actually drunk when he proposed and said he had been thinking about it for a while. I think the things that are putting him off are the cost and maybe the organising of it.

What you all (thank you) have made me realise is how financially vulnerable I am so if a date is not set for next year for whatever reason then I will be seeing a solicitor quick smart.

Delatron Fri 21-Jun-13 17:31:50

Yes my name is on the house deeds. I doubt it about the pension. I also told him a while ago that if he died then any money from the house would not necessarily go to me or the boys but the government would get most of it. He seemed shocked by that.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Fri 21-Jun-13 17:32:49

I know someone who got married in her lunch break!

Delatron Fri 21-Jun-13 17:47:44

Ha! I like that idea!

LaQueen Fri 21-Jun-13 17:59:08

Oh dear...I very strongly suspect he's fobbing you off...he's held off this long, about getting engaged, but has probably judged that he finally needs to make some gesture, to keep you quiet happy.

So, he's bitten the bullet and proposed...hoping that will pour oil on troubled waters for a goodly while.

It's happened with a couple of friends we know. Very long term engaged, with no wedding in sight. I really, really don't see the point? Being engaged isn't a state, in and of itself. You are engaged to be married.

And, if there isn't a marriage/wedding anywhere on the horizon, then the engagement is completely meaningless.

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