Ex getting DSs' hair cut

[EllenJanesthickerknickers]

Now, I'm sure I am being a bit unreasonable, but can I just rant a bit first?

Background, my exDickhead left nearly 2 years ago after I found out about his affair. He's now living with the OW and her DS a couple of miles away.

He's been pretty good about access, reliable and really wants to win back the boys' respect. (Except for taking lots of holidays which occasionally impact his access alternate weekends, where I feel I'm 'babysitting' for him. )

He knows I like the boys' hair a little longer and surfy. Not ridiculously long, just a few inches. He keeps getting their hair cut on his weekends. Quite short, not my taste at all.

TBH, DS2 (13 with SN) doesn't care. DS3 (10) is finding the whole divorce hard going and tries desperately to please his dad, so won't argue with him. DS1, (15) is pretty pissed off at being told when to get his hair cut. He'd like it a bit longer but he's very quiet and again doesn't want to risk his relationship with his dad. So he asked me to complain about it for him.

I was really upset the first time he did it, cut off their lovely locks. That was a year ago and he gets their haircut every 6 weeks or so, so it's never got very long since. I didn't say a word (to him or them) though, because I could imagine what AIBU would say.

This time, though, what should I do? DS1 is nearly 16. Surely he's old enough to make his own mind up about his hairstyle, so long as it's acceptable at school?

[IneedAsockamnesty]

The standard response to this is usually blah blah nothing to do with you he's a equal parent and who says you get to make that particular decision as opposed to him they then usually add that they can understand why your annoyed but you need to get over it.

However I think if it bothers the kids and they are of an age where they can decide certain things themselves then its a piss poor thing to do to them, I will add that my experience of this is one of my kids dads doing it and I obtained a prohibited steps order to prevent him and he was told in no uncertain terms that to continue to do so would result in his contact order being set aside and a possible assault charge but it was more to do with the way he was dong it rather than the action itself.

[Thisvehicleisreversing]

If anyone else tried to cut by DS's hair I'd have an absolute fit.

Tell him in no uncertain terms he's not to touch their hair without talking it through with you. Surely parental responsibilities like these should be discussed between both of you?
I know some people will say 'it's only a hair cut' but I know how you feel, I'd be livid too.

[Concreteblonde]

You child is bothered by it. Therefore YANBU and if your Ex continues to insist on him having his hair cut when he doesn't want to, then he is a knob.

[EllenJanesthickerknickers]

It does upset me, and my friends are all but I have this MN standard response at the back of my mind. It's not on to keep getting DS1's hair cut, though, is it? When I was 15 I was taking myself off to get it permed. (Nasty!)

[EllenJanesthickerknickers]

Oh, he is a knob. I'm absolutely sure he's only doing it to wind me up, a tiny bit of power he can still have over me.

[SquinkiesRule]

My first thought is he's being a knob and doing it to exert control and is waiting for you to blow, then he can say "see you are so unreasonable"
But at nearly 16 your Ds should not be subjected to this. Isn't there any way that he can say no?

[Booyhoo]

my ex does this too. it is a power thing. i was going to say "pick your battles- this isnt important" but actually if your dcs dont want their hair cut then he shouldn't be doing it.

my dses both tell me they want their hair longer (like it used to be before EXp had them EOW) but he gets it cut and tells me that they wanted it done. they usually seem happy enough with it when it's been done so i dont make an issue but if yours really aren't happy then i think you need to have a word on their behalf.

[Booyhoo]

and my exp also does the horrible shaved head apart from a few spiky bits on top to them. it's awful looking and their faces just dont suit it but what can i do? he does it to piss me off so if i dont let on that it does maybe he'll get bored. maybe. im also working on the dcs confidence in being able to tell him if they dont want to but they want to please him.

[Bumply]

No advice
Just remember the time ex's wife did an unskilled at home haircut that almost had 12 yr old ds1 in tears and certainly left him vulnerable to teasing at school until it grew back enough to sort out the fringe into something presentable again.

[EllenJanesthickerknickers]

Thanks, all. I'd love to be the bigger person and ignore his power games, but not if DS1 is pissed off. I think a carefully worded email is in order. Bugger, he'll know he's got to me.

[Booyhoo]

i know it's horrible but in this situation i think being the bigger person means actually dealing with it for your sons' sakes. they aren't happy and he's being the shithead for doing it to them to get at you.

so what if he knows he's got to you? it's hardly a victory to be proud of. "ooh i cut my kids' hair to get at my ex and it worked. i'm so good" if that was my mate i'd tell them they were a fucking wanker.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Its a weird one tho because they never admit they did it to be a cock they always say " it needed doing you don't bother see how much better at meeting there needs I am"

But it really is often a control issue.

After I got the prohibited steps order he kept on going on at our dc about it trying to guilt him about complaining and dc waited until dad had passed out drunk shaved his head with the clippers ( the exact same cut they used to pin I'm down and give him) then stuck a post it note next to him with " see its not nice when its done to you is it?" Written on it.

I giggled.

[CoolaSchmoola]

I would be livid too. But I don't think you have to let on that he's got to you. I'd be inclined to go the other way and make him think it's been great for you. Steal back that power!

Something along the lines of:

Dear Twunt,

Thanks ever so for getting the DS's hair cut again, it really does save me a job, not to mention money - it's not cheap getting three haircuts these days, but I'm sure I don't need to tell you that, particularly as it seems to need doing so often at the moment!

As it happens that is the reason for this email. DS 1 has asked me to mention that he would like his hair a little longer, as is the fashion these days. Obviously that means that it needs chance to grow, so it won't need cutting until DS decides it needs it. I'm sure you remember what it was like being 15 and the nightmare of the aged P's saying 'get your hair cut!' - I didn't think it would be a problem, but I told him I'd mention it, so I have.

I'll tell him I've emailed you, and that you know he wants his hair left to grow for a while. Ooh think of the money you'll save hehehe!

Ellen

[Mother2many]

at 16 he can decide his own hair style!~

My Xstepson's mom, shaved her son's head... (my Xh had longer hair) and it shocked all of us... quite frankly looked terrible on him...jmho...

However, his mother did it...cut his locks off, nothing we could of done then either...

[EllenJanesthickerknickers]

You're all right. Being the bigger person in this case is in standing up for DS1.

Respect to your DS, sock! I wish my DS had the balls!

E-mail going out to the twunt.

[HollyBerryBush]

All of your children are old enough to decide what sort of hairstyle (within reason) they want. So provided they don't come home with a rats tail/tramlines/Mohawk/number one no harm done. Long hair looks dirty, scruffy and unkempt on boys of that age

I gaze at the mop on the sofa

[EllenJanesthickerknickers]

Right, Holly. So your point is? As I said, while I prefer slightly longer hair than their 'D' F does, DS2 and DS3 don't seem to mind either way. So who am I to make a fuss. DS1, however, prefers longer hair. At nearly 16 I'm sure he's really concerned what his mum and random MNers prefer!

[diddl]

So he is in effect bullying his children?

[likesnowflakesinanocean]

I always ring and ask if dsc can have their hair cut while here even if they ask too. its just polite and saves any fuss. they are a bit younger but not massively so. ultimately though ds is going to have to stand up to him and say no he doesn't want it doing but ywnbu to have a word

[Sallystyle]

My ex always takes our boy's to get their hair cut by his brother and he always does it much shorter than he knows I like. Really short hair just doesn't suit them but hey, not my hair.

We have a good relationship otherwise and the boy's don't care so I let it go, but darn it, every time it starts looking nice again he goes and gets it cut too short.

[Tooearlyintheday]

We went through the hair wars for years - DH preferred slightly longer, his ex preferred shaven. As it is my DSC have reached an age where they can vote with their feet as to whether to go to the barbers or not and lo and behold one has longer hair, one as shorter! At your boys' ages they should be entitled to make their own minds up as long as the cuts they're getting or not getting don't interfere with their school or require hours to fix in the morning.

[weisswusrt]

I agree he needs to be asked to stop, but maybe getting his boys hair cuts is his 'dad' thing he wants to be for just them? Can it be traded off for something else, like clothes shopping?

[EllenJanesthickerknickers]

Ex and I aren't really in a 'polite' relationship stage yet. It's more essential info only. Not rude, just not able to chit chat.

I wouldn't say he's bullying the DC. DS1 is very quiet and probably hasn't said much to his dad beyond 'I'd rather not get it cut.' Ex still treats them all as much younger than they are. It's like time has stood still since he left. The boys still have very early bedtimes etc. (To get them out of the way and give him time with the OW.)

I'm lucky that it's just a short haircut and not a buzzcut, I guess. I know exactly what you mean, Samu2. I had just said that week to DS1 how nice his hair was looking, then off it comes.

[EllenJanesthickerknickers]

Crossed. Clothes shopping. This is really silly, but they have their own clothes at his house and different ones at home. They go to him in school uniform and come home in school uniform. I actually prefer this as they don't need to be taking a weekend bag with them to school and I don't get clothes 'lost' at his house. Neither do I have to wash 'his' clothes for them, just the school uniform, which I buy. I don't know how it happened but it works pretty well.

None of the boys are clothes conscious yet. Once they are I expect we'll have to change it.

[TheRealFellatio]

Are these children seriously not old enough to tell their dad whether or not they need or want a haircut?

I like longer hair on boys too, but my guess is that if they are happily going along with this then they actually want their hair shorter than you prefer it.