To really upset DH and insist DD does not go with him to spend a weekend with her revolting jezza kyle style grandparents?(133 Posts)
Namechanged as I forgot my password, but:
I joined this site at xmas time asking for advice in dealing with my incredibly rude in-laws, who were making their 10 day xmas visit even more unbearable than usual. ( particular "issues," included but were not limited too: pretending to vomit up food at the dinner table if I put vegetables on their plates, continuing to light up and smoke in the house when asked not to, graphic, loud descriptions of their sex life in front of my extended family and children, constant racist outbursts and sulking when I wouldn't provide their favourite food/ fry ups etc.)
Anyway after I eventually told them to reign in their behaviour, I got into a very upsetting argument with my MIL who made some disgusting comments about my sex life and then abused both me and my 14 year old niece over facebook, ( she told my niece she hoped she died of AIDs.)
Unsurprisingly we have not spoken since the event, and until last week they refused to speak to DH either, as in the end he sided with me over them. This complete lack of contact was rather nice, HOWEVER:
MIL has recently contacted DH to inform him that FIL has slept with a much younger neighbour, (who is also a distant cousin of DH's from his mothers side.) MIL and FIL plan to stay together, but MIL is having difficulty living in such close vicinity to the "lucky lady." She has admitted to DH that to try and persuade the woman to move, ( woman is married and has two young kids,) she has been regularly throwing open bags of rubbish into her garden, shouting at her whenever she walks past, ( including when she has children with her,) and when she (MIL,) was drunk one night earlier this week she went out and pissed in her garden. ( It goes without saying I'm mortified my children are related to her.) She has also been cautioned by the police after she slapped this woman in front of witnesses.
It is against this backdrop that DH, is being asked to go down and "mediate," for the weekend, as said family have made complaints to the council and FIL is worried they will lose their home. DH feels he should go, ( probably because the thought of his homeless parents turning up on our door is terrifying,) however they want DD to come down to "see them as they can't see her now the ginger bitch (me,) won't let them in." They have no interest in my son staying as he has a different biological father.
Now whilst I normally agree with grandparent-child bonds, and DD wouldn't miss anytime off school, I really feel this is a completely inappropriate environment to take a child into, and am refusing to let her go. DH is really upset with me however, and says whilst he knows his parents are dysfunctional and rude their not child abusers and deserve a chance to spend time with their grandchildren. He does agree it's no longer appropriate for them to come to our house.
so AIBU to say it might not inconvenience me, their not child abusers but I just don't want my child exposed to this environment>
Aside from the fact that they are dreadful "role models" and your DD will undoubtedly be exposed to foul language and lewd talk/behaviour and hearing you being spoken of in a detrimental manner, all of which counts as emotional abuse in my book, I would seriously fear for her physical well being too - you have said they smoke round her against your wishes for a start? I fear there is every chance of this whole bizarre scenario "kicking off" big time - she may witness slanging matches, fights, FGS these sound like the sort of people who settle neighbourhood disputes by torching each others houses!
Your DD has NOTHING to gain from being in a relationship with them at all, however, I feel for your DH too - deep down he WANTS his parents to be normal, he wants them to have the chance to be better grandparents than they were parents. He wants them to have the second chance of a better relationship with him through their relationship with their DGD - he probably feels he has to excuse and forgive them over and over again so that HE has not failed in his side of the relationship. Would he let DD go to a sleepover where the family behaved like this? If he is intent on trying to help them, that's more than they deserve and you should support his wishes, but NOT at the expense of DD going with him and being subjected to all manner of frankly, scary and potentially dangerous goings on.
And if they do get thrown out of their house no way should they stay at yours
I would not want my dd in a violent volatile situation with horrid vie individuals who were asty to her at Christmas. Noway op!
Regardless of anything else whatsoever, the fact that your DH is going to mediate because of a fall out with the neighbours makes the situation potentially volatile and therefore inappropriate to be taking a child into.
Factoring in everything else, the only sensible answer to your DH/IL's suggestion is 'over my dead body'.
Jesus that is vile is the woman ill or always been like that?
Yes, thinking more about why they want him down for the weekend and what this 'mediation' is all about ...
Neighbour is much younger and married, so presumably her husband is also younger than PIL. Sorry, but your PIL do sound appalling enough to be expecting your DH to be their proxy punchbag. What else can it be? Can they really expect that he'd be able to persuade the neighbours to withdraw their complaints to the council? I very much doubt it (both that they'd expect that or that he would be able to). On the plus side, getting punched on their behest might finally persuade him that he's better off without them .
It's sounds to me less like 'mediation' and more like they want a strapping younger man on their side if it all comes down to undignified fisticuffs in the street. Uuurgghh. What horrorbags.
I remember your first post.....I wouldn't want any child of mine associating with those people. seriously, they were beyond vile and inappropriate. history has already told you they won't reign it in around their grandchildren either.
YADNBU - your DH can have his own private relationship with them (at their house) if he likes.
YANBU you would be seriously letting your dd down if you let her go
I am disgusted with your H for not wanting to protect his child. How dare he be upset with you when he is the one getting involved in such a fucked up situation. I would think his daughters welfare was far more important than the ridiculous situation they've got themselves in but it seems he has other priorities
So sorry you're in this situation pink, you deserve better and especially from your husband
I agree with everyone else that your dd shouldn't go, and am intrigued as to what this mediation is supposed to achieve. Does your dh really think he might help achieve an amicable settlement?
Yanbu At all. I remember that thread and your in was dreadful behaviour upset your dd, in fact tey were nasty to your dd. nowayshould she goand stay with them
Has anyone asked your DD if she even wants to go? Or is she too young to answer that? (Sorry, have missed age)
But even if she did want to go, the points about violence, potential police involvement, SS etc. are VERY valid and important. Child protection is paramount and they would take a very dim view of your DH taking his DD into that volatile situation, and a pretty dim view of you allowing it, even if you haven't, iyswim.
She CANNOT go.
They are his parents, when all is said and done. It's all very well for people to say cut all ties, but it's not that simple.
I would personally want to be involved with occasions where DD sees grandparents, purely so I knew exactly what was done and said in her presence. Keeping visits shorter is probably a good idea. And definitely don't let DD go this time, for all the reasons given above, i.e. it's likely to get emotional and you don't want DD to be involved in this.
It's not worth falling out with your husband about his parents, you just need to talk things through with him. He sounds reasonable and I'm sure he has your daughter's best interests at heart too.
My paternal grandparents were arseholes like this, done to the stuck up insults etc. because mum is ostensibly more educated than dad (circumstance, dad is more academic in maths / science, mum is better in Englishness and also common sense)
I hardly saw my grandparents because for all the faults of my mother's family (and there are plenty) and for all the passage of time, one you call your future daughter in law a fucking Fenian bastard whore, all bets are off.
Dad gave them limited access and they took limited use of it, but whenever they turned up at our house, the expectation was laid out. The more vitriolic (my grandfather) didn't pitch up.
Point? Well I don't know how much of one there is. My upbringing wasn't entirely functional, but it was pretty bloody clear that mum and dad were a team. Regardless of all else that is surely important.
If it kicks off and the police are involved if he takes DD SS will be duty bound to get involved...ask your DH if he wants to risk that hassle.
Why would yoyr DH want your DD around someone who called his wife and his daughter's mother a ginger bitch?
I remember you, you poor woman.
Not only would I refuse to let my child have anything to do with this pair of revolting nutjobs, I'd be very loathe to let me husband go either. It sounds like it could all end up getting very nasty indeed. Still, I realise you cannot sop him if he has some misplaced sense of loyalty to them, but I would put my foot down about DD. Totally inappropriate circumstances for her to be seeing them.
You DD could end up hurt, or involved with SS if you DH manages to start a fight as presumably the womans DH is not overly happy with any of this either. And what exactly is he going to negotiate ?
Dont let her go and see them participating in this ridiculous charade.
So sorry your DS is being upset by this - is that fact going to help convince your DH not to take DD though? I mean, that doesn't make his being upset ok, but are you able to at least turn it to your advantage?
I ask again,with tears in my eyes....did you not meet this family before getting involved with their son,never mind marrying into it?
Surely you go with the same background,values and culture?
Wouldn't have seen me for dust,even if he was Brad Pitt!
No. Do not let your DCs have any contact at all with these awful, awful people.
I remember your other thread.
The point you need to make to your DH is that it's not about what his parents deserve, it's about what's in your DD's best interests.
Can he, hand on heart, honestly say that it's absolutely the best thing for her to spend time over there at the moment? He needs to think about his responsibility to his daughter before he thinks about what his parents want.
Your daughter is the one with rights. Everyone else has responsibilities.
It would be a HUGE mistake for your husband to go anywhere near them.
There is no way that this is going to end well.
you need them out of your life!
Nobody has a right to be in anyone's life regardless of their behaviour. You are in someone's life until or unless your behaviour means that you don't deserve to be in it any more.
I think that applies to them.
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