To think this was innappropriate?

[CaramelisedOnion]

Woman in manchester with 3 year old girl today - my son (2) (who is mixed race) waves at little girl...I say the usual "that´s nice to say hello to the little girl - what´s your name" to the mother - who tells me her little girls name and asks my son´s name....

I tell her she then say "Look (little girl´s name) K´s got crazy hair like RaRa the Noisy Lion!".

I resist deep urge to knock her fucking teeth out. WHY do people think this is ok!?!

its the equivalent of me saying "look K....the little girl has pale pink skin - just like Peppa Pig!" - (which would obviously be totally rude and inappropriate)


its the same thing....LOOK ! THAT KID HAS A DIFFERENT PHYSICAL FEATURE TO YOU!! FOCUS ON THAT!! ugh.

Or maybe I´m being over sensitive? huh.

[CaramelisedOnion]

ahem. maybe the "urge to knock her fucking teeth out" part was a bit strong and should be replaced with "felt mildly irritated"

[5madthings]

Yanbu that was massively rude of the mother!

My ds4 went through a phase of being really interested in afro hair, just because we saw a boy with a big afro everyday on our way to school, he would say excitedly 'there is the boy with the big hair' and I explained to him that he just had curly hair and told him it was rude to comment and point, luckily the boy was lovely and didnt mind at all and still waves to ds4 now when we see him.

[MildDrPepperAddiction]

YANBU. She was very rude.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

It was inappropriate. You should have said - this woman does not think before she speaks, like mr rude.

[TheseFoolishThings]

Sounds to me more like stupidity than outright intentional rudeness but I don't know what you could have done about it. When someone is quite that stupid it's probably best just to walk away and feel sorry for them.

[CaramelisedOnion]

Thisisaeuphemism - !!!! hahahaha!

And I agree - she was being stupid not intentionally rude...but yeah I did think "dick!" and yeah....just ignored and moved on

[CrapBag]

YANBU. Why point out something like that!! Young children don't notice race etc anyway generally unless its actually pointed out them, like the dick in the OP.

[LemonPeculiarJones]

YANBU. What a fucking shame. Could have been a nice exchange. She sounds like an idiot.

[CaramelisedOnion]

it was just really weird....because I could see she had no intention of causing offence or harm and genuinely had not cottoned on that she was being in any way inappropriate!

[DoJo]

In fairness, someone has said this to my husband, who is white but just has crazy hair. I don't think there is anything wrong with noticing that other people have different physical features, so long as you don't treat them badly because of them.

[LemonPeculiarJones]

Unfortunately DoJo statements relating to race can be too loaded to just be a nice acknowledgement of a physical factor.

Just as "You've got nice tits" isn't always an appropriate compliment

[kawliga]

I agree with lemon. It's not the same thing to comment on crazy hair in a white person and a black person. If you live in a non-racist society then everyone can be commented upon equally but for people who have to deal with racism such comments will always be loaded.

OP, unfortunately dealing with well-meaning and not-malicious racial comments is going to be a common thing for your ds. If you get angry he will sense your anger even if you don't say anything. Try not to get angry so ds doesn't pick up on the anger. There are SO MANY stupid ignorant people about who will innocently make hurtful and insulting comments in an attempt to be friendly and you don't want ds to grow up to be an angry young man.

I just mean for the stupid but friendly comments, I don't mean real racists - obviously you should get very very angry with those and teach ds that it's not ok.

[DoJo]

What I mean is that there will be plenty of occasions where people make intentionally hurtful comments and are overtly racist, so perhaps acknowledging that the intention behind this one probably wasn't malicious would be the best way to deal with it. It may have been inappropriate, it may have been ill thought-out, but that doesn't necessarily mean she might not have said something equally odd had the OP's son be the same race as her and her daughter.

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

OP Yanbu. Next time someone says something so rude, you should say something to them....to let your DS know that it's not ok.

My cousin is mixed race and people said some shocking things to her when we were growing up...I remember one man said "Your hair is just like little black Sambo's hair" when she had it in little "knots" and she wanted to punch his lights out....instead she said "And your manners are where? Up your arse with your brains?" She is quick with comebacks...always was because she HAD to be. This was in the late 80s and things were "different" but she's never been one to lie down and take the shite.

He was [shock[ but really WHAT A TWAT he was.

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

DoJo entirely not the point. Her intentions don't matter. What matters is she came out with a comment which was unacceptable and the OP is upset.

[LemonPeculiarJones]

No I'm sure she didn't mean to offend anyone DoJo, agreed. But she was inappropriate, her remark was ill-judged, and the OP is NU to be annoyed by it.

I know what you mean, but saying it isn't as bad as deliberate racist abuse doesn't make it a neutral statement.

[christinarossetti]

I think it was a bit malicious though. It was coming from a place where neither OPs or her son's feelings are thought to be important - it's dehumanising.

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

Yes Christina...exactly. Who the feck comments like that on a child's hair...and to their own child as though the child with the hair in question is of no importance or not even THERE?

[LondonMan]

In theory you could interpret this as her being so non-racist that she feels there is no difference between commenting on (presumably) African hair than any other aspect of physical appearence that shouldn't be regarded as undesirable.

I say "in theory" because I'm not actually claiming she was reasonable. How she should reasonably have expected you to feel is more important than what super-political-correctness might say is OK.

In other words, she should have taken into account that though she doesn't think there's anything wrong with African hair, you might, or you might think other people do.

[DoJo]

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie I think we'll have to agree to disagree - I think intention does matter but I also believe that the OP has every right to be upset and feel offended. The two aren't mutually exclusive and if my offering an interpretation which might help the OP to feel less upset is unwelcome then I hope that they appreciate that my intention was to assist rather than contribute to their problem.

[MarianneM]

YABU

I resist deep urge to knock her fucking teeth out

It is this that is inappropriate.

I think you are oversensitive. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying someone has "crazy hair" - so what? Especially as you didn't think the person didn't mean to offend.

Chill out.

[MarianneM]

I meant "you didn't think the person meant to offend".

[havingamadmoment]

I think your overreacting... I have children with bright red hair we often get comments of that sort I would just ignore it.

[Tee2072]

"Just as "You've got nice tits" isn't always an appropriate compliment"

Is there a list of when it is an appropriate compliment?

Marianne if you read the OP's second post, you'd see she agrees with you.

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

DoJo the trouble with that line of thinking is that racists get excused too often. "Oh I don't think she KNEW it was wrong to say that.;.." and "Oh I can never remember the correct terms...I never meant to be rude."

It's bollocks. Learn the right terms, stop saying stupid things...not difficult.