DH is a lorry driver and has been for 11 years. He works weekends and until late into the night (gets back between 10pm-midnight) leaving me to deal with all the DCs stuff, dinner homework, bed and to sit on my own in the evening. I can't have hobbies or go out on a regular night in the evening as he works different days and there is no flexibility at all.
Backstory: When we met, married and had our first DC he was in a different industry altogether and worked weekday daytimes so was home by 6pm. Not sure why! but it was down to me to drop off and pick up DC1 from nursery, rush to pick her up, leave work if she was ill, take time off etc. We had a bad experience with a childminder a year before DC1 started school and a situation arose where I decided I could not keep DC1 there and was not going to unsettle her by moving her to someone else again for a short time so one of us would have to stay home with her until she started school.
DH refused point blank to quit his job even though my job was about £10k better paid, more secure, fabulous pension and better long term prospects and basically decided it was my 'problem'. So I had no option but to become a SAHM, ironically I fell pregnant just as my notice period ended with a much wanted DC2 which we had been trying for 2 years for so I lost a years fully paid maternity leave (grrr) and I resigned myself to staying at home indefinitely so we had to downsize massively and move towns to get a smaller mortgage so we could cope on DH's much smaller wage! Sadly DC2 was stillborn and within that same month DH was sacked for misconduct (later received a payout for unfair dismissal because the reason they sacked him was a load of bullshit!) but I had to fight it for him and deal with the industrial tribunal just after suffering the trauma of losing a child because it was out of his depth. Years later, I still feel resentment that he actually lost his job just a few months after he refused point blank to stay at home with DC1 so I could continue working thereby throwing us into a financial catastrophe as neither of us were earning for months!
Shortly afterwards we had moved and I had found another fulltime job, not great pay but good propects, 9-4pm hours Mon-Fri. We could have coped on my wage at that stage. DH was at home with DC1 as he could not get another job until his industrial tribunal was over and he could get a job reference, it was not out of choice. Then I discovered I was very unexpectedly pregnant again with twins. I was terrified of telling my employers as I had only been there for about a month but it was fine and I was due to return after maternity leave. In the meantime DC1 started school. DH had taken another job in his current industry which was supposed to be temporary until I went back to work after having the DTs but he decided to make it permanent as he was offered a higher wage and a permanent job and again refused to stay home with the DCs. He actually used savings we had as getting his HGV licence cost in excess of £2k despite my not agreeing to it as I knew the hours were shit and he would never be at home. The nursery fees for 2 babies and afterschool fees for DC1 far outstripped my wages and with travelling costs I would have brought in a massive minus not to mention the loads of work that would have had to be done in the evenings and having 2 babies who did not sleep. DH's job was as a night time lorry driver so I would have had to be up with the babies in the night on my own and then drop them at nursery, DC1 at school and go to work and that was not going to happen so again I had to quit my job! I also had a terrible phobia of being on my own at night as we had been burgled previously while we were asleep and DT1 had several febrile convulsions which I woke up to in the middle of night but would DH change his job (or even look into changing it) as he knew I could not sleep while he worked so was permanently knackered, would he hell . I put up with that for 5 bloody years until he moved to days and it left me with severe anxiety from lack of sleep.
So I then had 5 years out of the workplace until the twins started school struggling all the way on one wage. I could not get a part time job in that time as DH's hours constantly changed so would have needed to pay childcare. It was very difficult to get another job after so long out of the workplace but I did get a good one. The job was a long commute again and I had to rely on the tube and then drive so was massively stressed that I might not get back to pick up the DCs from afterschool club and in fact was late on numerous occasions. The final straw came when one of the DCs was ill and it took me 90 mins to get back. DH could not get there either as he was 3 hours away in his frigging lorry. I quit that job too as I could not cope with the travelling, school events, dealing with DCs on my own in the evening and the stress of rushing like a bloody whirlwind to get back to pick them up. I could not spend a minute after 5pm in the office and it was noticed and comments were made so I felt like shit. We had no family at all nearby and no one else to pick them up if I was going to be delayed.
Seems to be a theme in my life but shortly after that I then fell pregnant with DC4 so have been a SAHM for 3 years now and am desperate to get back into work but yet again DH will not budge on his working hours. My job will have to fit around his. There really is nothing locally but London is out as I won't be able to get back for pick ups. Even if I did work, I would still be on my own on weekends and in the evenings dealing with all the DCs and it is soul destroying. Not to mention DH wanting dinner at 10pm and having the kitchen like a bomb site at that time so clearing up again! I know it's minor but still it drives me nuts when I've already cleared it 3 times during the day! I have looked into self employment but I would need to pay out for childcare while potentially not bringing in any money.
I have encouraged, pointed out job ads, looked into training courses and then progressed to shouting and arguing with DH for the last 11 years to retrain or at least look for another job which would fit in better with me working and family life but I can honestly say he has never so much as picked up the local paper to see what other jobs there are out there. He wants me to work but will not think about how we manage the DCs or who looks after them while I do. He does his job because he doesn't want to be stuck in one place and he enjoys it so won't do anything else no matter how much it affects me and the fact that the DCs are left to me. He is now too old to retrain at 44 so I am stuck with him working weekends and evenings for the next 20 years apparently .
I know I am of course lucky he has a job at all but AIBU to think that he is an utter selfish knobend of the highest order? Or should I just be grateful that he works and be the dutiful SAHM? I KNOW my earnings would have outstripped his by now if I had been able to continue working and I have a real need to work as I feel my brain has wasted away! I am sometimes so fecking bored that I try to think up controversial threads on here just so I can get flamed but I can't even do that!!
Feel better for typing it out!
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AIBU?
to be utterly sick of death of DH's job and working hours. It's an epic post I'm afraid!
61 replies
SlowlyWakingUp · 11/04/2013 22:09
OP posts:
KansasCityOctopus ·
11/04/2013 22:24
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