To let my mother stew in her own juices

(167 Posts)
Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 09:52:14

because i just don't have the energy or headspace for her bullshit anymore.

I really haven't been well myself (mh issues) and she is making it worse - i have had ENOUGH.

She had an appointment for the doctor (after i persuaded and cajoled her into it) only for her to get into a temper because she got a letter from the council tax people, she now has to pay £38 a year council tax and thinks this is disgusting because she is a "pensioner" and shouldnt have to pay anything (entitled, much?) So because of this, she refused to go to the doctor - i was feeling terrible by this time (a whole other thread which i namechanged for) so i took the appointment and was referred to the psych team.

So, she had an appointment which she just didn't turn up to (assumed that I would cancel it and sort things out, like i always do) and she rings me in a rage this morning because she tried to get an appointment today (like gold dust) and coudlnt get one - She only wants an appointment because she has run out of tablets, despite me telling her tht all she only needs to ring the chemist, but she has to do it a week in advace - ( i know i should have done this for her but have been all over the place lately, struggling to get through the day myself). Nothing i say can appease her, i tell her i have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and i'll get her a prescription then - not good enough, "no, you stupid cow i need the tablets tomorrow" I would have got them by then - Then i decide i have had enough - i tell her that im really not well, she knows this - she knows i was at the psych yesterday - She starts screaming at me to pull myself together or they will take my DD away.

How can i pull myself together if i have to deal with her shit too - she just slammed the phone down on me telling me she will just go without her tablets - she will die without them.

AIBU to just let her get on with it? She is a grown woman, if she can't sort her tablets out herself (she is perfectly capable of making a call, surely) then i really just don't have the energy for this - i feel bad but she does this every time she can't get her own way over things - i am sick of it. I am really unwell and she just doesn't give a flying fuck.

DeepRedBetty Thu 21-Mar-13 10:48:02

You don't have to do any of this. If you don't do it, she will have to do it herself. I honestly doubt she will allow herself to die.

This level of support she is demanding is way beyond normal.

I agree just leave her. You are enabling her to behave in this appalling way (not blaming you for that - she's clearly toxic).

Just say 'sorry mum can't sort it out for you now, whether you call me names or not, I haven't got the energy you'll have to do it'. Then leave it. If you refuse she'll HAVE to take some responsibility for herself. She sounds a bloody nightmare tbh.

Or don't say anything. Get caller display for your landline and just don't answer her calls when she's behaving badly.

DeepRedBetty Thu 21-Mar-13 10:50:01

xposted with Hecate who as usual has put it beautifully.

And yy to flippinada, the taking your dd away comment is untrue spiteful balls.

BlackMaryJanes Thu 21-Mar-13 10:53:26

YANBU for leaving her to it.

You have been enabling her for too long.

As for her bullying you with the "they will take DD away" remark - how dare she! What a horrid individual. No wonder you have MH issues with her for a mother. Have you considered going no contact for a significant period of time?

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:58:04

angryangryangry she just fucking turned up, threw £20 at me "for taking the dog out the other day" (this was another day after the time she fucked of out wiht him) and then told me the reason she diddn't go to the doctor the other day was because she didn't think I was well enough (never mind that it made me worse!). I could barely talk to her - i asked what she was going to do about her tablets and she said the doctor was ringing her (changed her tune) and then THEN said "oh i don't know what im goin to do about the dog" "i cant walk him anymore" i just told her to get rid of him (she wont!) but she said "yeah, i'll have to do that" then left - parting shot "i wont bother you again"

WAs so tempted to say Fucking good! Of course now i feel bad sad

You are right though, i need to let her deal with her own shit she IS capable

I am exhausted

Crinkle77 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:59:41

Yes let her stew. Is she really that stubborn that she would rather die than sort out her tablets herself?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 21-Mar-13 11:03:39

Don't feel bad.

She's scared. She senses that the worm is about to turn and she's upping the ante.

If this doesn't work, I predict she will have some sort of health crisis. Or perhaps turn on the tears and show you a vulnerable side.

you are as trapped in this as you allow yourself to be.

It's ok to remove yourself, Lucyellensmum. I promise you that it's ok. xx

SneakyNinja Thu 21-Mar-13 11:06:36

That's sorted then Op, no more worry for you! grin

IAmNotAMindReader Thu 21-Mar-13 11:06:42

She's trying to leay the guilt on you to fall back into line.
When you feel up to it look on the Stately homes thread particularly about the cycle of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).
she has proven now that she is capeable of looking after all her own needs she just prefers to get others to do it for her by any means neccessary.
You need to concentrate on yourself now, step back from her and let her make any moves, if she behaves badly (manupilative, tantrums, verbally abusive, put downs) step back from her.

You are perfectly entitled to take time out to make yourself better, she can do these things herself she just wants you to do them and will bring all the tricks out to pressure you into falling back into line. Try not to feel guilty it just means she is trying to reimpose the status quo. Remember each time she does this that she is capeable she just choses to get others to do it.

If she really had compassion for you she would be asking what she could do to help or at least stepping back and not imposing on you. Instead she is trying to pry to spotlight of attention (yours) away form you and back to herself by behaving badly. Keep concentrating on doing what you need to make yourself better, she may make a song and dance about it but she can cope.

flippinada Thu 21-Mar-13 11:08:31

Hecate is spot on, and I agree entirely that is ok to remove yourself.

She sounds like pure poison.

AudrinaAdare Thu 21-Mar-13 11:09:57

Jesus, she sounds awful. Didn't elder DD live with her at one point? It just goes to show if she has now stopped even visiting shock

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 11:19:49

Audrina, yes she did, ages ago - and then spent an awful lot of time then when she moved in with her DP. My mum isn't a total bitch she is just a spoilt brat!

I feel so sorry for my mum (now that i've calmed down) but can't help but wonder if actually i should make her look out for herself a bit more - as enabling this sort of behaviour might not be doing her any good anyway.

I think i tend to be a bit of a control freak too - go to the doctors with her, speak for her etc etc. Im probably just as much to blame.

Funnily enough my DP came to my psychiatric assesment yesterday and kept talking for me - the shrink politely asked if i would feel better without DP in the room, i said no he can stay, and within five minutes said "actually you need to piss off out and let me answer the questions myself" god knows what the shrink thought blush he kept saying "no, it ok i wont say anymore" in the end i just said, "look, just fuck off will you" - i did notice the shrink smirking away to herself grin poor DP lol he got over it and has been amazing this past few weeks

adeucalione Thu 21-Mar-13 11:20:14

The way she treats you, and speaks to you, is awful. I agree with everyone who has said that you should leave her to it. Look after your own health, and your own family. She needs you more than you need her, so you are in the stronger position here, please don't allow this crap to continue.

TumbleWeeds Thu 21-Mar-13 11:25:27

Agree with you enabling her.

And yes it can be hard not to step in as your DP did because you have the impression that you know better than the person what is going on (and yes as the patient, it can be sometimes quite hard to 'see' what is going on, esp moods for example).
BUT there is more it with your mum isn't there? She is asking you to be there for her whenever she feels like it. That's a different ball park.

And yes she will probably feel better being more independent anyway.

Don't feel guilty, think that she isn't a complete bitch etc... and go back to behave in the same way. Decide what you are or aren't happy to do, behaviours from her that you are or aren't happy to accept. Set up your boundaries and then, Be nice but assertive telling your mum about them.

MixedClassBaby Thu 21-Mar-13 11:33:39

In case you're not aware of it, can I recommend the 'stately homes' thread in relationships? Sorry if someone's mentioned it already. So much good advice on there on dealing with toxic parents. I've never posted on it but have lurked and learned much.

BlackMaryJanes Thu 21-Mar-13 11:38:17

She senses that the worm is about to turn and she's upping the ante

Couldn't agree more. OP I've been in this situation. Expect a few more weeks of crap and then it will stop.

And then, it will be bliss, I assure you.

Yfronts Thu 21-Mar-13 11:46:16

can you tell your mother that the shrink told you to let mum take more responsibility for herself. and that you were to stop running around after others and concentrate on yourself and recovering. Start saying no.

Marney Thu 21-Mar-13 12:33:36

I cleaned my mothers house for hours a few days ago well days realy then she told me basically ive always been useless and not to come back shes 82 and cleaning is the one thing im good at but i always keep trying because shes my mum realy sorry for anyone who has a mum who i cant even think how to put it anyone who has a mum they cant relate to or please i guess good luck leave her to it if u can ive not been able to

somewhereaclockisticking Thu 21-Mar-13 12:38:16

"pull yourself together" - yes I suggest that's exactly what she does - she's a grown woman and cannot expect someone else to run around after her whether that person is ill or not. You have enough on your plate by the sounds of it and need to take care of yourself. I'm sure she'll make you feel guilty but don't. As others have said - she is probably the cause of your issues so with some space from her you stand a better chance of getting better.

Pandemoniaa Thu 21-Mar-13 12:53:37

It often occurs to me that manipulative people like your DM are behaving like tempestuous toddlers. Except that toddlers can be much more reasonable. However, both need clear boundaries and manipulative adults almost always behave more and more badly until finally, someone either steps in and firmly refuses to play their games OR get so ground down that their own health suffers.

You owe it to yourself not to let her do this to you. Her demands are ridiculous and unreasonable and yes, now is the time to step back even though this will be difficult. She's an adult and responsible for her own health. I'm willing to bet she is perfectly capable of sorting her own tablets but if she doesn't that's not your responsibility nor your fault.

Let her stew in her own juices and, if you feel up to it, tell her that things are changing and she has the choice of liking it or lumping it.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Thu 21-Mar-13 12:57:18

YANBU you need to take care of you and your DC first and foremost. Let your mother sort out her own meds she knows how to. Also why the fuck should she get away with speaking to you the way she has? If you were a carer and she was a client I'm pretty sure you wouldnt be expected to put up with this treatment.

Coffeenowplease Thu 21-Mar-13 13:00:13

I would suggest you come over to the Stately Homes thread on relationships. Lots of understanding there.

SkinnybitchWannabe Thu 21-Mar-13 13:59:13

I think you should distance yourself from her.
My sil used to do everything for her m&d, cooked lunch and dinner every single day. Took her shopping, did washing, banking...everything. all whilst raising her own 4 adopted children and working.
She never ever got a thankyou and one day the s* hit the fan and my mil called my niece all the names under the sun...even said my dn is rotten so thats why her birth mother didnt want her.
This happened 6 months ago and my sil cut all ties from her M and it says its the best thing shes ever done.

SkinnybitchWannabe Thu 21-Mar-13 13:59:50

She not it!

This sounds exactly like my mother.

The only way I can deal with it is to totally withdraw - no contact and no running to help. I've had lots of counselling thats helped me see what a toxic person she is and also gave me ways to deal with the hurt and anger.

I was someone who always tried to please and the more I did the worse she got. Everyones breaking point comes and it sounds like yours has.

Dont try and explain things to her tho as she'll not understand. Just take a deep breath and close the door - physically and mentally.

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