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to stand by Ds wanting to change his name?

(305 Posts)
poxyfoxy Wed 20-Mar-13 12:13:15

Ds is seven, his father and I seperated when he was just a couple of months old. I met my now husband when he was 18 months old, and he now has two brothers. He sees his dad evey other weekend.

DS has his fathers surname, but for the last year he has wanted my surname (the same as my husbands and his brothers), he just started to write it at school and at home. As a compromise I suggested that he use both names, and we approached his Dad to make sure he was happy with it. He's not, and will entertain no conversation about it.

I don't know what to do now, seems so unfair sad

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 22-Mar-13 22:52:05

That's the point of it being informal you don't change anything other than how you refer to yourself.

The school cannot tell you you can't do something if you do not ask them to amend any paperwork

poxyfoxy Fri 22-Mar-13 21:23:10

D's will always have a part of his step dad in him. He has more in common with him than his brothers.

Floggingmolly Fri 22-Mar-13 21:17:16

exploring his identity and working out who he is
And if his mum and step dad split up in 6 months time? What will his name mean then in terms of who he is?

discrete Fri 22-Mar-13 21:10:00

Floggingmolly - because it is what he wants! This is about him finding exploring his identity and working out who he is.

If I had changed my name to a double-barrelled version including my step dad's, I would not have an issue with it (name changes were impossible in the country I lived in at the time, so the issue did not come up).

And a name change is not a permanent thing that can never be changed back! Who cares what the OP's ds is called, that matters only to him, everyone else should just go with his wishes.

For a while as a teenager I did change my name (first, not last). Everyone just accepted it and called me what I wanted, after a while I reverted to my original name. No big deal, but made me feel in control of who I was and what identity I presented to the outside world. That mattered.

WreckfestAtTiffanys Fri 22-Mar-13 21:07:19

But Sock she has been told by the school that she can't "let him use what ever name he wants to use informally" without the father's permission

Floggingmolly Fri 22-Mar-13 21:02:04

Discrete. Am I reading your post wrong? You were in a similar situation, kept your father's name, and your mum and step father later split up?
Why are you telling the op allowing her ds to change to his stepfather's name would be a good idea? What percentage of men do you imagine keep in lifelong contact with the children of their former partners?

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 22-Mar-13 20:45:22

Because she can let him use what ever name he wants to use informally and wait until he's older to change it formally when the child will be considered to understand the action correctly.

The op is turning it into a drama when it does not need to be.

discrete Fri 22-Mar-13 20:20:51

I too am extremely puzzled about the flack the OP is facing.

My parents divorced when I was 1yo too. I kept my father's name, and had siblings with different names. I was, and still am, very close to my step dad, even though he and my mother have not been together for over 25 years now.

I am not the OP's son.

The OP is simple. OP's ds wants to do something which means something to him. His father doesn't want him to. Should the OP support her son on a decision which ultimately affects no-one other than him, or should she support her ex, who has not even pretended to try and see it from the child's POV?

Sounds like a no-brainer to me.

WreckfestAtTiffanys Fri 22-Mar-13 20:02:13

I don't understand the flack you are getting OP, people seem to be zoning in on some rather odd points.

I have done it, and in my circumstance ( very similar to yours) it was undoubtedly the right thing to do.

To those questioning the OP on why she chose to use her partners name, can you really not understand? I mean, you might not think it was the right thing to do, but that's a different thing entirely.

And even at a bigger school than the OPs of course the other children will talk about it, they do mix together at lunch and playtime. (I work in a junior school)

I think this thread may be better off in relationships, you may actually get some support and advice and people generally are less determined to pick you apart and feed you to the lions whilst totally ignoring your answers to their never ending accusations

poxyfoxy Fri 22-Mar-13 19:45:23

There are 75 pupils in their entire school, it's not that hard to believe?!

JenaiMorris Fri 22-Mar-13 19:26:17

Indeed, Fellatio. I tried (and failed) to question this upthread, resulting in " How stupid are the 7 year olds you know?" - although not from the OP, to be fair.

TheRealFellatio Fri 22-Mar-13 19:09:04

But he is not in his brothers class and his brother is younger than him. I don't buy it. Teachers must be used to half-siblings and step siblings having different names all the time, and as they are so young I highly doubt any of the other children have picked up on it. I think you are willing him to want to do this, and he will be feeling that.

poxyfoxy Fri 22-Mar-13 19:00:07

<rolls eyes>

his brother is at the same school, that's why it is happening at school

<bangs head against wall>

TheRealFellatio Fri 22-Mar-13 18:37:13

You say he has just started to write his stepfather's name at school, but at only 7 years old that must be coming from YOU not him. No seven year old even needs to know that the name he has is apparently different to the name he wants unless grow-ups tell him it is so.

This is your idea and you have brainwashed him into it, even if you don't realise that is what you have done.

TheRealFellatio Fri 22-Mar-13 18:33:31

Spot on Compo.

ComposHat Belgium Fri 22-Mar-13 16:23:01

I really can't see what the urgency is at seven. If he still feels this way at 16, then he can take his step-father's name then.

As it is, why not devote your energies to trying to explain how the difference in surname makes no difference in how you or his step-dad feel about him (not that I'm implying that you don't do that already) rather than fighting a losing battle with his dad.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 22-Mar-13 16:15:33

No it dosnt but it does mean its the most likely outcome.

Think about it this way,you gave your dc a name you now regret giving him and you want to now change it to another name that you have taken from someone else.

You coud end up regretting that one as well.

CinnabarRed Fri 22-Mar-13 15:46:46

It's interesting, though, the concept of double-barrelling names. It's only really a solution to this current generation. Because although a 2-barrel surname is manageable, even 3 at a push, any more than that is hopelessly unwieldy. Can you imagine if 2 double-barrelled parents wanted to combine their names still further? Maybe we'll get to a situation where it's the norm for children to choose their own surname on gaining their majority, or similar.

poxyfoxy Fri 22-Mar-13 15:33:05

Oh yeah, because I knew then that a week later he'd have some sort of mid life crisis hmm

akaemmafrost Fri 22-Mar-13 15:24:17

Clearly you didn't study it in too much depth if your summary of that test is that its to indicate whether or not someone is "like Hitler".

Have a great weekend yourself smile.

Kendodd Fri 22-Mar-13 15:00:00

And then go on to give a second child the name of a man you must have only recently met?

Floggingmolly Fri 22-Mar-13 14:53:25

If it's true - WHY DID YOU GIVE YOUR CHILD HIS NAME?

poxyfoxy Fri 22-Mar-13 14:40:16

Come off it?

Oh, you caught me out.

I just wanted some strangers on the internet be my fwiends and stand up to my mean old exDP so I made up a lie to make you feel sorry for me hmm

poxyfoxy Fri 22-Mar-13 14:31:10

Sorry that's been the case for you sockets....doesn't mean it will be for everyone though.

Maybe I'm an optimist, or maybe I'm just a little more knowledgeable about my family dynamics than you are

Floggingmolly Fri 22-Mar-13 14:27:20

Come off it, op. Your ex kicked his girlfriend and newborn out into the street, and yet you gave said newborn his NAME?

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