To ask if people judge single mums for not working?

(777 Posts)
PigsCanSoar Thu 14-Mar-13 22:56:03

I have a 11 m/o, and am a 22 year old single mum. I have handed in my notice to work now, as I don't feel he is ready to be left yet. He has always been very clingy, he will happily go off and play with anyone if I am there, but as soon as I leave the room he will just cry and cry.
He is also still breastfeeding every 2-3 hours, and ideally I would like to let him self wean up until 2.

I have no doubts about this being best for DS, and am planning to stay with him until 2 then look for a job again, but I just feel a bit anxious about actually telling people this, as since he was born it seems to have been constant "so when are you going back to work then" off everyone.

I am very lucky to be back living with my mum, so money isn't much of an issue as this will just postpone moving out for a bit.
So there's no necessity to leave him before he's ready, but I just feel like I'll look "lazy" for not going back yet.

Cherriesarelovely Thu 14-Mar-13 22:58:32

Crikey no! It sounds like you are busy being a great mum. Congratulations on your Ds. Ignore others. Plenty of my friends didn't go back to work for quite a while and I certainly wouldn't have done as quickly if I hadn't had to.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 14-Mar-13 22:59:11

Its amazing that you'll get judged for not working, but you'll get judged for working.

If your not ready to leave him, then dont, if you rush yourself, it'll just make you unhappy, return when you feel is best.

Ikeameatballs Thu 14-Mar-13 23:01:02

You sound like a lovely mum.

I wouldn't judge you but I might worry for you in terms of making sure that you can gain work in the future, that you won't miss the adult social contact of work etc.

sneezingwakesthebaby Thu 14-Mar-13 23:02:06

We can't win either way OP. There's some that will judge us for working and there's some that judge us for not working. Its sounds like a good plan to me. If you have the opportunity to spend time with your child then make the most of it!

sneezingwakesthebaby Thu 14-Mar-13 23:02:49

Oops! Should also say there's some that won't judge at all either way.

WilsonFrickett Thu 14-Mar-13 23:02:55

As a 40 something married mum, can I just tell you <whispers> you'll get judged whatever you do. Seriously. So do whatever is best for you and your DS and two fingers to the rest of the world.

aldiwhore Thu 14-Mar-13 23:04:53

I only judge people who use their children as an excuse to be twats.

Whether you work or not isn't my issue.

There wil lcome a time though, no matter what his age is, where it may be hard on both of you to leave him... and it will pull at your heartstrings so much it will make Bambi feel 'meh'.

Personally I think under two, fair enough.

I HAVE to say, as a long term breastfeeder (17 months) that a bf every 2-3 hours at 11m old seems a lot... I did that with both babies (after the initail twice every 40 minutes with newborns) ... and I fed on demand, not judging, just an observation. ... seems like a lot of pressure on yourself.

CloudsAndTrees Thu 14-Mar-13 23:05:07

I think people can easily judge single mums for not working, because it seems that if you are getting little in the way of financial support from the Father, then you have an even bigger reason to need to maintain your job. But if people don't know your individual circumstances, so they aren't in a position to make an accurate judgement anyway.

I don't, I take my haT off to single mums x x

ThreeWheelsGood Thu 14-Mar-13 23:06:52

I wouldn't judge you. And I agree with other comments - it sounds like you're doing a great job, and mums get judged sometimes whatever they do! It seems like you've made a really considered decision, so be confident and comfortable that you're making the best choice by your child.

LineRunner Thu 14-Mar-13 23:08:00

You'll get judged for whatever you do.

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 14-Mar-13 23:08:01

God yes, you'll get judged.
You're the perfect example of a feckless single parent wink
Make the most of it Op, and enjoy.

expatinscotland Thu 14-Mar-13 23:08:06

I judge people who create a child with someone, and then swan off and don't pay for them at all.

Snoopingforsoup Thu 14-Mar-13 23:08:46

You sound far from lazy.
You are taking time out to look after your DS. No one should judge you for that.
Enjoy your time with him.

chunkymonkeybaby Thu 14-Mar-13 23:09:07

Pigs you sound a great mum and I don't think you sound lazy at all. It's sad how looking after our children is so undervalued in our society. You're doing what's best for your DS by being there for him and also breastfeeding.

Congrats and enjoy the time with your DS x

morethanpotatoprints Thu 14-Mar-13 23:11:36

I think every parent should do the best for their child irrespective of work commitments.
Married parents are given the choice whether to work or not and I see no difference for single parents. I certainly wouldn't judge a person on whether they worked or not.
Oh and you are certainly not lazy if you have a toddler to look after, its a contradiction of terms, so don't worry. Hold your head up high, you sound like a good, but busy mum. smile

Mannequinkate Thu 14-Mar-13 23:11:41

If your family are going to be supporting you financially then I wouldn't see a problem. However if you have given up employment to claim benefits then yes I would judge you.

Staying at home to raise your child is a luxury that has to be paid for. If you cannot afford to support yourself financially without working, then in my opinion it isn't a luxury you can have.

Giving up a job in this climate to get another again in 13 months after a 2 yr break is at best naive at worst completely stupid. You have a responsibility to provide for your child and you are putting yourself in a position where finding employment in the future is likely to be incredibly challenging.

HildaOgden Thu 14-Mar-13 23:13:36

I'm going to give an honest opinion.

I don't believe that people deeply judge women who stay at home to raise their children.

I do believe that people judge women/men who chose to rely on benefits to fund the 'luxury' of staying at home with young children,instead of financially supporting their own child themselves.

LadyPessaryPam Thu 14-Mar-13 23:13:59

You may not work right now but I think you will later on. There are people out there who would never work. They are not you. They are the arseholes I don't like.

I don't, I take my haT off to single mums x x

Yfronts Thu 14-Mar-13 23:17:38

you sound like a lovely mum with your babies best intentions at heart. just ignore any stick. anyone who knows you and loves you, has a true grip on your situation. thats all that matters.

seriouscakeeater Thu 14-Mar-13 23:18:57

There is nothing wrong with being a stay at home single mum!
I'm probably going to get flammed here...if money isn't an issue then enjoy your time with him. BUT I feel that if your giving up a job in todays in employment crisis to claim full benefits then YABU. The benefit system isn't a life choice like some people seem to think, its a buffer for when needed, not just because baby gets upset when you leave him x

seriouscakeeater Thu 14-Mar-13 23:20:26

Ooops x posted!

morethanpotatoprints Thu 14-Mar-13 23:24:09

Oh dear, I'm an asshole apparently. grin.

OP, if by some chance you do need to gain support for you and your ds, it is the fault of the absent parent if they are not paying. It certainly is not your fault. Don't let others bully you into feeling bad. Personally I do not see bringing your own dc up as a luxury, its nature.

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