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AIBU?

To think this is pointless?

34 replies

BumpingFuglies · 14/02/2013 12:51

DP and DSs came to live with me and DS 6 months ago.

Here's the background:

DP was given full residency of his children following suspected abuse by their mother's partner. Mother was cautioned for neglect.

DP had nowhere to live at the time and so took the children to live with his parents. DP and I got together and things got bad between DP and parents. I offered them a temporary stay with me, parents objected and big row between DP and his mother.

They never went back as DPs parents refused to talk to him. We both tried repeatedly to get them to come and see the children but they refused. We offered phone contact in the interim - they refused.

During the time the children lived with them, they hit the children, used inappropriate language, swearing etc. Would not allow DP to parent or maintain a routine/boundaries. The SW involved said that they should not have unsupervised contact with their GPs.

Fast forward a bit, we get an application for Residency by the GPs. This is rejected by Court. Further application for contact, to consist of every other weekend Friday to Monday am, plus every Wednesday evening overnight. DP of course did not agree.

Family Group conference is suggested, the GP agree to it. Oh good, we thought, progress. But the FGC officer says they will not sit in the same room as us! They want to do "shuttle mediation"!

What is the fucking point? It's no different to going to court.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Report

Justforlaughs · 14/02/2013 12:54

You are right, sounds pointless to me as well. On what grounds will they not sit in the same room as you?

mrsjay · 14/02/2013 12:54

sounds awful they sound awful controlling and always have to be right people, they are awkward and just down right nasty but what im reading, Let them go through their stupid process of trying to be right and offended the children wont need to see them they sound awful grandparents

WhatsTheBuzz · 14/02/2013 13:01

arseholes. Yanbu.

WhatsTheBuzz · 14/02/2013 13:02

if it does end up in Court, behaving like that will do them no favours at all.

BumpingFuglies · 14/02/2013 13:09

They won't sit in same room as DP because they had a row. They will not visit because they do not want to see DP. So childish. DP has tried to apologise no end of times, but they won't have it.

DP's Dad actually kicked him out (forgot that bit) and expected him to leave the children there! No way would he leave his children.

Just can't see how this can work

OP posts:

BumpingFuglies · 14/02/2013 13:12

Oh and I am the AntiChrist of course.

OP posts:

BumpingFuglies · 14/02/2013 13:13

Buzz, we have already been to court twice. The directions hearing requested an Section 7 report but also asked if we would do FGC. They agreed, but then say they will be in a different room.

OP posts:

WhatsTheBuzz · 14/02/2013 13:14

if they refuse to be anywhere near, let alone communicate, with the parent of the children they want contact with, I don't see how it could work either. How pathetic.

BumpingFuglies · 14/02/2013 13:16

I suppose we have to go though, as it would look bad on us if we refused. Maybe let them dig their own hole deeper? But truth is we want the children to see them - just not the way they have demanded.

OP posts:

WhatsTheBuzz · 14/02/2013 13:20

I agree that being cooperative is a good idea but it must be difficult, they sound a nightmare.

mrsjay · 14/02/2013 15:40

I agree that being cooperative is a good idea but it must be difficult, they sound a nightmare.

this it all sounds horrible

BumpingFuglies · 14/02/2013 17:52

MrsJay, yes it is, just want to get sorted. The boys should see their GPs, but on DP's terms. Think I will ask solicitor what the implications are if we decide not to go ahead. It's going to court anyway and will ultimately be up to the SW's recommendations.

OP posts:

diddl · 14/02/2013 17:59

The GPs hit them??

Why on earth should they get to see the children??

mrsjay · 14/02/2013 17:59

I hope you get it sorted for the boys sake even they are their GP but they sound awfully controlling and dramatic as well

MammaTJ · 14/02/2013 18:16

Keep cooperating and let them dig that hole as deep as they want.

BumpingFuglies · 14/02/2013 19:30

Diddl the GM is "old school" and believes a good wallop solves everything. We have a no smacking policy. This is why the SW wants contact supervised. But the boys miss their GPs and we want them to be able to see them, but safely.

They are very controlling, yes. But we are just trying to think of the children.

Mamma thats my thinking too, but I am reluctant to take a day off (yet another one) to travel to a "neutral" location, only to sit in different rooms. But I suppose I will.

OP posts:

wreckedone · 14/02/2013 19:34

If you don't go to mediation, there is every chance when it goes to Court, the Judge will order you to go to mediation.
Shuttle Mediation is where the mediator talks to one party and then to the other, acting as a go between, with the aim of gettting you all in the same room to talk things through-mostly it happens, but sometimes agreements are reached without the separate parties talking directly to one another.
(Our family business is mediation, so I'm a bit of a pro!)
If you want to know/ask owt OP feel free :-)

BumpingFuglies · 14/02/2013 19:48

Thanks wrecked. The GPs already rejected mediation at the start. I'm thinking they have agreed to the FGC because they have been told it will look bad if they don't.

Would the mediator be aiming to get us in the same room on the first session? Or would we have to go to more?

OP posts:

wreckedone · 14/02/2013 20:01

Normally you will go for an initial meeting (often referred to as a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting or MIAM)-you will have the option to see the mediator on your own or with the GPs, where the mediator will decide whether the matter is suitable for mediation or not. If it's deemed suitable then, in a contact matter such as yours, one or possibly two mediations are usually indicated-if agreements can be reached by the mediator speaking to each party in turn and relaying ideas/suggestions/info from one room to the other they will, and agreement can be reached like that. If you tell me whereabouts you live (PM me if you want) I might be able to suggest a mediator-have links all over the country.

BumpingFuglies · 14/02/2013 21:08

Thanks again wrecked. We have been given an appointment for Tuesday and have already seen the mediator who came to visit at our home. Today's news follows her visit to the GPs who have said they refuse to be in the same room. I suppose we will have to go, but it just seems ridiculous to me - how can we sort things out without talking??

OP posts:

mum47 · 14/02/2013 21:28

Grit your teeth and go with it, but with caution.The mediator will take the lead, give them considered reasoning and show yourselves to be the reasonable people that you are - a stance which I am sure the GPs won't take. Good luck, it must be exhausting but you are doing the right thing for your family.

CheerfulYank · 14/02/2013 21:33

Sounds awful OP, good luck! How old are the boys?

lindsay321 · 14/02/2013 22:19

Do the Gp's actually have a right to see their GC?

I thought it was only parents because of their responsibility to their children?

Surly the OP has grounds to completely refuse this contact. They can't be breaching the law by saying no can they?

[waitsworriedly]

BumpingFuglies · 15/02/2013 06:20

mum47 thank you.

Cheerful Boys are 8 and 5

lindsay there has been much ado in recent years about GPs rights. I think what they tried to do was obtain parental responsibility via a residence order. This obviously failed.

The basis on which they want to have contact is that they were a big part of the children's lives before all this blew up, which is true. We are not trying to deny them contact, we just don't want the boys left alone with them or for overnight stays.

In the end it will be up to the judge, who will take into account the SW's recommendations about whether or not contact must be supervised. Either way, I feel a contact order for granparents is highly unusual.

It's very stressful

OP posts:

Gruffalump · 15/02/2013 07:27

My first thoughts on reading this are thank god your DP has you to help provide a safe qnd secure environment for his children.

And yes it is pointless!

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