to think it's the parents responsibility to pay for childcare if they want to work?

(142 Posts)
StandardNetworkCharge Tue 12-Feb-13 10:59:39

My DB and SIL have a little boy who has just turned 1. She gave up work more or less when she found out she was pregnant (by her own admission she exaggerated her symptoms to get herself signed off for various reasons right the way through pregnancy).

In the run up to Christmas my DB lost his job, he got a new one quite quickly but on less money and with a longer commute. SIL was quickly fed up having to economise so she decided to get a job. She found temporary work with irregular shifts, her reasoning being that Db would look after DN when she was working. But very often DB isn't home in time to look after DN or she wanted to take extra shifts whilst he was working. As things were tight for them (and it was the run up to Christmas) family and friends have been stepping in and doing all their childcare to help them out.

SIL is badly organised though and will often leave it until the last minute to sort out childcare and then make begging calls/text/posts on fb. DH and I have helped them out, often being told it would be for an hour or so but ending up with DN for an entire evening, interferring with our plans. On the basis that it was a temporary situation I have tried to temper my annoyance.

However, her work have now offered her a fixed contract. Rather than getting organised and paying out for childcare when it is needed. She is continuing to expect it free from all and sundry and getting shirty with us when we have said no.

As I don't have any children of my own yet I am prepared to admit maybe AIBU to be annoyed at her but I just feel that if she wants to work to earn money for luxuries then she should be factoring childcare costs into that and not expecting everyone to continuously "help them out" at the last minute.

LittleMissFantabulous Tue 12-Feb-13 11:03:10

Not unreasonable at all. Their problem not yours.

AndBingoWasHisNameOh Tue 12-Feb-13 11:06:28

YANBU and she is very entitled. Don't pander to her any more.

OTTMummA Tue 12-Feb-13 11:07:33

Yadnbu, how deluded are they?? I am going back to work pt in April on the weekends do we don't have to get childcare in the week as DH has fri-sat off, but that was our choice, if his work hadn't let him take the Fridays off we would of found childcare for that day. What does she think everyone else has to do?

SkinnybitchWannabe Tue 12-Feb-13 11:07:39

YANBU their child so their responsibility.
Don't end up being their unpaid babysitter, regardless of whether or not you have your children.

MrsKeithRichards Tue 12-Feb-13 11:08:13

Yeah, what a mare, getting help from her family.

Have you priced a nursery place recently?

Anyway, it's early days, give her some space and she'll get it sorted out I'm sure. Maybe she's waiting for tax credits or something to help with the cost. Must be a total nightmare having irregular shifts. Hopefully now that she knows her hours she'll get it down to a fine art. It's bloody hard work, you're free to say no, and do so if you don't want to help out.

You say things were tight, but scathingly declare she's working for money for luxuries. Which is it? Are you privvy to every detail of their incomings and outgoings?

Why isn't your brother home in time? Is he not able to commit to being their to look after their son? The childcare is both their responsibility, and problem.

Acandlelitshadow Tue 12-Feb-13 11:08:23

So she's been taking the piss royally and is now surprised and annoyed no-one wants to play ball any more?

She is being unreasonable.

You are not.

Branleuse Tue 12-Feb-13 11:08:36

yanbu to not want to provide free childcare but why are you annoyed with her and not your db?

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Tue 12-Feb-13 11:09:06

YANBU It's one thing helping out in an emergency but to expect you to provide her with free childcare is her BVVVU

CityMa Tue 12-Feb-13 11:09:32

YANBU- I would say something like, 'so have you decided on a childminder or a nursery? Because obviously you'll be needing proper childcare now.'

Wishiwasanheiress Tue 12-Feb-13 11:12:53

Her kid. Her job. Her problem. Not bu. simply because if its a perm role u need perm plans on childcare. Agree with u!

janey68 Tue 12-Feb-13 11:17:22

YANBU, it's part and parcel of having children.
I can see the logistical difficulties of organising childcare when work
Hours are ad hoc, but now she has fixed hours she should certainly stop taking advantage of relatives

I too am confused about why you seem to be complaining about your SIL and not the child's father too. Childcare isn't just her responsibility you know

sheeplikessleep Tue 12-Feb-13 11:17:47

Agree with CityMa

Bunfags Tue 12-Feb-13 11:18:53

YANBU, most parents wouldn't behave like this.

Floralnomad Tue 12-Feb-13 11:19:15

She is definitely being unreasonable .its lovely if family can help with child care but it shouldn't be an obligation .

OTTMummA Tue 12-Feb-13 11:20:21

I had shift work and just had to put DS into a full time position at nursery. They would probably get some tax credits if they earn under 26K I think? There is nothing wrong with asking and getting help from family,,, IF they are happy with the arrangement as well, but it sounds like she hasn't got a formal arrangement, just begging as and when without thought for anyone else and then being pissy if someone dare say no! You Db and sil need to sort this out properly.

StandardNetworkCharge Tue 12-Feb-13 11:20:23

I guess I AIBU unreasonable that I blame her rather than DB because she had previously agreed to stay at home. Before Christmas, it was different as they had to cushion the time between DB losing his old job and getting a new one at a time of year which is very expensive. they had DN birthday and Christmas to pay for as well as bills.

I don't know the full details of their finances but DB has said that they can afford to live on his salary if they economise and she has said that she was unhappy living on less and wanted to have money to spend on herself/going out/clothes etc. So I am judging on these conversations that it is money for "luxuries" rather than to cover the bills.

I have asked if she is going to get a CM but she says it's not worth it financially and the hours make it difficult. I guess I just feel that if you can't organise childcare, then surely you can't work. Expecting everyone around you to do it for free, in order to make it worthwhile, seems a bit cheeky!

AnyFucker Tue 12-Feb-13 11:21:21

Just say no

And stop blaming her...your brother is just as responsible for the care of their child

fluckered Tue 12-Feb-13 11:24:12

yanbu. even if she offered some kind of pay or something in return it would be something but to expect it for free on an on going disorganised basis is ridiculous and selfish and would do me nut in!

stop pandering to her. yanbu.

MrsKeithRichards Tue 12-Feb-13 11:26:11

Maybe she's fed up staying at home with no money to do anything?

Maybe, she'd just rather work!

I don't know what hours she works, but a childminder isn't always going to be able to be flexable and maybe there isn't enough money coming in to warrent a full days childcare when only a couple of hours are needed.

Who is going the childcare? Maybe they are perfectly happy to do so. Just because you interpet it as cheeky, others might see it as just lending a hand and pitching in, as you do.

There seems to be this consensus that having your family support you and offer their help is cheeky or entitled, I think it's pretty normal and healthy if everyone is happy.

fluckered Tue 12-Feb-13 11:26:14

i agree with ANyFucker too .. it is his responsibility. she may be doing the asking but he is well aware of it. people's circumstances change that is no one's fault but she can surely organise things better. there are some families where one parent's wages alone only cover childcare does she realise how good she has it?

MrsKeithRichards Tue 12-Feb-13 11:27:55

And yeah, you're not happy helping out then say no.

Others probably are quite happy, leave them to it.

fluckered Tue 12-Feb-13 11:28:10

but there you go MrsKeithRichards ... everyone is NOT happy such as the OP. i am not saying she goes and pays for a place in a nursery as obviously the hours wouldnt suit. but a bit of communiation and something set in stone and some offer of pay i'm sure people would appreciate it.

people help out when they know its appreciated. if you dont feel appreciated you feel taken for a mug.

Inertia Tue 12-Feb-13 11:28:41

It was kind of everyone to rally round and help out when they were stuck before Christmas.

Now that both B and SIL have fixed contracts, they (together!) need to organise regular childcare on that basis. There probably will be times when they need emergency childcare cover, e.g. when their child is ill and can't go to the CM, but it would be unreasonable of them to expect everyone to dance to their child care tune at the last minute.

janey68 Tue 12-Feb-13 11:29:14

If the information about their finances is correct, then she's being even more ridiculously selfish, wanting to avoid paying for proper childcare simply Because she wants money from her job to buy herself nice things.

IMO childcare is something you factor in when you have children. If it takes up the equivalent of your income, then you either suck it up and stay in work for the longer term benefits, or you decide to stop working. Or you look for work which will juggle around your partner, which has the advantage of avoiding childcare costs, but the disadvantage that you don't get family time together. People on low incomes get subsidised childcare as well, which is a vast improvement on how things were 20 or so years ago. Yes, childcare is expensive, but frankly I don't why people begrudge paying out for proper care for their children. Blimey, when you consider what people spend on houses, cars, holidays and nights out: your children are WAY more precious than those things

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