to ttc if I think I will abort if the HG sets in again?

(507 Posts)
ICBINEG Mon 04-Feb-13 17:26:48

So DH and I have conceived immediately on two occasions, one early miscarriage and one birth. I had hideous soul destroying sickness almost all of the way through pregnancy. We are beginning to start thinking about having another child, but I feel almost certain I couldn't go through another pregnancy like the last one. My understanding of HG is that it is unlikely to strike twice (although you are slightly more likely to get it if you had it before) and that each pregnancy may be fine or not.

So is it unreasonable to ttc if I think I might abort due to HG?

If we conceive and then I get horribly sick is it unreasonable to abort and try again?

Given we would only ever have one more child and seem to be able to conceive at will this might be more a case of choosing to bring to term the baby that doesn't make me horrendously sick for 9 months rather than wasting life etc.

I'm not sure I can really buy into that argument though....

(ps. if you are of the never abort under any circumstances camp then please don't bother posting...I know that opinion exists and am not in the slightest bit swayed by it. I am interested in hearing from other with grey zone opinions on abortion as to which side of their personal line this falls).

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 07-Feb-13 01:22:38

It was dreadful, and your right the pregnancy is not a illness thing often gets twisted round, I will say tho ever since that occasion I have been treated very well by every other midwife i have had and with every other pregnancy, my last pregnancy they started treating me the day I found out, I saw my gp who sent me straight to the hospital to see something called the early pregnancy unit and I got a consultant straight away who was great HG was there area of interest and I cannot fault them, I still got it it still wasn't nice but they were on it.

None of this go away come back in a week dear its just ms that had happened before.

Its why I get so antsy about people describing it as just ms and not getting there head around the fact that its not.

Lyrasilvertongued Thu 07-Feb-13 01:37:09

this must be such a difficult decision to make. I only had ms, bad enough to be off work but nothing close to HG, and that combined with a pretty awful labour has made me think I might not be able to bring myself to ttc another child. This is hard as I always thought I'd like two or more dcs - but I'm not invested in this as I know others are, and I don't dream of a big family like some do. I hope you get the support you need to help make the decision, which is one for you and your dh to make really.

PessaryPam Thu 07-Feb-13 04:02:35

If I were you I would not be TTC until I was fully recovered from the PND. You still sound like you are in a state. Shame surrogacy isn't widely available.

ICBINEG Thu 07-Feb-13 09:47:14

spoke to DH about it last night...he said he loves the daughter he has so much that he wouldn't want to risk her happiness by trying for another unless we were both very certain we could cope with it.

I think I may actually be starting to come to terms with only having one child. I certainly am coming to terms with the idea that having a mentally stable mum might be more important than having the 'perfect' age gap.

AmandaPayne Thu 07-Feb-13 09:56:00

So pleased you had a positive chat. Your Dh is absolutely right. Although i would add not risking your health and happiness too.

You seem to have moved quite a long way in just this thread in terms of thinking about yourself and not what you feel you ought to do- ie somehow provide a sibling with a perfect age gap despite not being ready. Good luck on whatever you decide to do.

blondecat Thu 07-Feb-13 10:18:35

Research It. Think it through. Discuss it with your DH. And a consultant.

Don't assume TTC will always be easy. Secondary infertility is a byatch
As are strings of unexplained MCs after 1 or 2 continuing pregnancies.

There are so many factors in play here that we on mm can't know.

NiceCupOfTea1 Thu 03-Dec-15 16:26:05

I need to share my experience. My first pg in 1989 was so bad that I went down to 6 stone 8 pounds. I spent most of it in hospital on a feeding drip and unable to lift my head from the pillow. I won't go in to what other things HG did but by 4 months I think I'd lost some mental awareness. I begged for a sterilisation after giving birth but was laughed at by some of the doctors who suggested I was putting my illness on. 1991 and a contraception failure saw me pregnant again. HG sufferers will know that sex is not much fun with the threat of a difficult pg a possibility but like most ladies, trying to keep a relationship going makes it a necessity. So mentally sick and tired with the aftermath of HG I couldn't recognise a bad man when I saw one even if I had been living with him for years. Within a few weeks I was ringing around for help with looking after my son. I couldn't cope with the sickness already. Ironically, my partner left and neither my son or myself have seen him since. Looking at having a baby on my own was not the problem, I felt I could have handled that, my partner had stopped caring for me and had no interest in our son as soon as I got pg the first time, but the threat that it would be HG given the statistics terrified me. I had already taken to the sofa and parents and sisters were already round helping. But, nothing is free and with their help which I couldn't do without came unwanted 'advice' . Termination was a word bandied about plenty and I'm sad to this day that I wasn't strong enough to ask myself what I actually wanted. I had to make the choice quickly, was this HG or just severe morning sickness? HG in my last pg lasted 8 months, feeling just very sick in the 9th. In all honesty, I don't think I had recovered from the first HG pg mentally or physically. Looking back I can see that I held a huge fear towards pregnancy and giving birth which I didn't recognise at the time. It got so that when somebody announced their pg my first thoughts were of total pity that they were going to be so ill. That's how I associated with pg. I couldn't see pg any other way. To this day, remember this was 1991 I regret with every fibre of my being that I went through with the termination that others thought would be best for me. I didn't have any strength or moral standpoint to argue with. My partner had left and was untraceable. He wasn't paying maintenance for his first born. None of my family understandably had a good word to say about him. I didn't have a home to call my own, and had to leave where I was living as I had lost my job as I was too sick to go in so couldn't pay rent, and was still recovering mentally and physically from my first pg. The very people pressing me to terminate were the same people I would have had to lean on if I had gone through with it. I felt then that I didn't have a chance. I was also so ill with sickness that I wasn't strong enough to look at the bigger picture. It didn't occur to me to consider how I'd feel 25 years later, just that I felt so awful now. I sleep walked into the termination on everybody else's advice and have never got over it. The termination has ruined my life and I am not exaggerating. The knowledge that the sickness would have come to a close a long time ago torments me daily and I have spent the last 24 years in a very sad depression. Back then, there wasn't the support on the web like there is now and even if I could have accessed it I wouldn't have been anywhere near able to use a pc as any movement was enough to cause another vomiting session. I could not even have focused on a written word without being ill. I am not anti abortion because everyone must tread their own path but it was not something I ever thought would be right for me. To those people shaming those of us who have gone ahead, I beg you to please think how hard this has been for us and that you maybe don't know the extent of shocking HG and if you do and have been through it then you were very lucky to have had the support you would obviously have needed. To those people considering termination, please consider as I have had to do every day of my life since, whether a termination would be easier long term? I am tormented by thoughts every day that maybe, just maybe, the sickness would have gone away and not turned in to the HG I so feared. This is a grief like no other I have ever felt.

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