ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
To be a bit weirded out by this? Sorry another MIL one(36 Posts)
So before Xmas my mil told me that she'd got my dd (now 5 months) a party dress and was saying 'oooo I'll have to show you her new party frock'....she never did.
I assumed she was going to give it as a Xmas pressie and was probably wanting dd to wear it on Xmas day.
Anyway, Xmas came and went and the dress didn't materialise.
Today DP came home with the said dress and said "'my mums given us this cos she's gonna grow out of it soon".
Now I know this is no crime of the century but its just made me feel a bit weird. Why was she keeping it? When did she ever think she was going to get the opportunity to put her in it?
I've already felt it was a little strange that dd has her own draw of stuff but its all practical stuff which at times as come in handy like vests, sleep suits, nappies etc so that's been understandable.
But I just feel like this party dress (complete with cardigan, tights & shoes) is just a step too far.
I know I'm probably over reacting and I know a lot of it is probably my protective maternal instincts but I don't like it at all.
Today, despite being told that she'd only had her nappy changed just before we set off (so about 30 mins ago) she insisted she changed it "oh no she likes having her bum changed".
It just feels like she wants my baby or something and doesn't seem to respect the fact that I'm her mother.
She's just trying to be a grandmother and enjoy the baby too. It might be your abby but it also has other relatives that care too. Enjoy the fact that your child is lucky enough to have caring grandparents.
Poor MIL. Years ago nappies needed changing more frequently, even 12 years ago when I had my first baby. < really hopes sons are gay, must order show tunes CDs ASAP >
Sounds like my DM! The nappy thing has sorted it's self out my DS cries when she tries to change him when he doesn't want it doing. The clothes thing is a bit odd but I gave my mum clothes and supplies so I could use them when visiting.
Crazy Gran here...going to Australia soon to see grandchild.Buying excessively,trying to stick to organic cotton and all the Mumsnet rules I learnt here.Must say I get very confused re. sizes for infants too,so maybe she bought it too small for Valentines day.Hastily checks size on over the top red rose embroidered party dress for a newborn!!!
My MIL is a bit like this, she buys dd clothes because she loves shopping which is fine but then they don't come home, likes to keep a couple of best dresses there so we never see her in them, goodness know what she thinks I'll do with them but they are kept away from our house.
DD does go to stay for a few days during holidays, not because we need them to have her but because we don't live nearby and I know they miss her and love spending time with her. MIL has told me and dd seperatly that I shouldn't have any more children because dd is so special, I didn't say anything cause I was rather shocked by that comment and just stood there with a wtf expression on my face. MIL openly admitts that dd is her favourite gc which I think is a terrible thing to say. She also was very open about the fact that 2 of her 4 children were her favourites, the other 2 now have nothing to do with the family, I have to admit I don't know all of the in an outs of what went on but it must be pretty horrible being awear that your own mother prefers your siblings to you.
I ignore alot of what gets said. Both MIL/FIL say alot of things that I disagree with but i ignore things rather than getting into an argument, got to pick your battles. Even DH says he switches off to some degree when on the phone to them and he is close to his parents.
I think my biggest pet hate is when they give me the "we've brought up 4 children you know, we do know what to do" and yes they have but alot has changed in 40-50 years since they did it and my parenting style is different, guildlines have changed from when I had dd to now 8 years (I'm expecting again) also get this line when trying to explain dd medication needs with them and that she can't use soaps, have bubble baths or use fabric softener in her washing, all of which gets ignored, MIL washes all of her clothes when she goes there that I've packed and everything is packed washed but it all comes back with fabric softener so I have to wash it all again. DH has said something many times but it goes in one ear and out the other it seems. It really irritates me but I have a moan to DH then fume to myself for a day until the cycle starts again.
I understand how your feeling but honestly our MIL's are nothing compared to some of the threads I've read on here.
Sorry seem to of gone on a bit.
Changing the nappy when it doesn't need changing is definitely weird.
I suspect it may well be so she can take baby off to be on their own. You could do the suggestion of going with them, or perhaps checking "You think she needs her nappy changing? I'll go and see."
I get the having a special dress in a way. She probably wanted to save it for a special occasion that she would see-maybe if you'd been going to a wedding with them she would have given it then. Although if they smell of smoke I wouldn't particularly want my dc in clothes that smell like that.
My Dad loves changing my DS nappy, seriously we cannot get a look in when the deed needs to be done. My Dad isn't weird, he loves changing his grandson's nappy because it's something he can do for him, while engaging with him, making him laugh etc
My parents have a drawer full of vests and clothes at their house (and a mountain of toys!) lots of the clothes have had to be donated to charity as DS grew out of them before he could wear them (not a sicky baby and I always have a change of clothes in his bag). I'm sure my Mum and Dad just love having a some clothes for their GS, at their home, to remind them that they are grandparents. They probably pick the items up now and again with a gaga look on their faces - I think its sweet.
I'm also a great believer that my DS doesn't just belong to me. He is part of a family. A family who love him very much - foibles and all.
Booking holidays without checking?
I got my niece some lovely dresses - I must be a loony aunty!
Why change nappies to spend time with a baby. Why not sing to her, or play with her. Even tinies like faces being pulled and smiling games. Perhaps you could suggest this to MIL? She might like to sing to her DGD. Something like, "Oh, I've just done her nappy, but if you'd like to entertain her she loves someone to play peekaboo..."
Fgs, you sound totally unreasonable to me. I see nothing odd or strange in your mil"s behaviour. My own mother has stacks of things at her house and buys excessively for them imo. So what? I'm glad she is so interested. My motherr has also been known to give baths, change clothes and nappies when no changes are strictly needed. Again so what? Who doesn't love to engage with a baby? What is the issue exactly? Of course the baby is yours. No amount of having clothes at her house or actually nothing in the wide world can change that.
Perhaps it is you who is insecure rather than your mil being odd?
Your daughter is not a possession, her gm has a place in her life too.
cherry I totally understand why you are pissed off. My MIL was a bit like this, booking train tickets months in advance to come and see us during half term without checking first if we had anything planned (OH is a teacher). It really fucked me off as I like to do things last minute and often wanted to go away on holiday during those times but couldn't as she'd already booked her tickets. In the end I went and booked a holiday anyway. She was flabbergasted and never did it again!
I agree that the changing bum thing is very weird, and the drawer full of clothes. It's like she's a kid playing with Tiny Tears or something. Next time you go to hers you will have to have some phrases planned in your head. If she wants to change her nappy, say you have just done it on the car. If she says "but she likes it" say "No she doesn't actually", then keep tight hold of her and change the subject. As a last resort, go with your DD while the MIL changes her nappy, and insist on doing that every time. Maybe MIL will get message then and stop.
Just to clarify...I have no issue with her buying clothes for her, in fact I love that, it's the keeping of them especially something which she is never going to have an opportunity to put her in.
Also I have no issue with her changing her nappy, again this would be great if it actually needed changing. But I do have an issue with her changing her nappy just for the sake of doing it when I have clearly said that it doesn't need doing and she's just ignored me,
But yes it is more than it just being about the clothes and the nappies, there's been many times over the years when i have thought to myself that if my step kids were my own DC I wouldn't be happy with a lot of the things she does...eg booking to take them on holidays or trips without checking with parents etc, I mean I have seriously lost count of the number of times we have had to cancel/rearrange our plans because mil has arranged something for the kids n we don't find out till the day before. I never had any right to have a say about it with DSC because they aren't mine so although if was annoying I just shrugged it off. I remember when I was pregnant saying to DP something on the lines of "I hope she doesn't think she can take over our baby like this"....n now I can see it beginning to happen.
Maybe once she sees that I'm not somebody who will palm my dd off on her at any given opportunity she might back off
OP I honestly can't see anything especially strange in this, other than your MIL is enjoying looking after / buying things for her GD. So I think YABU. If my 'maternal instinct' had flared every time someone bought our DD clothes or changed her nappy I would have spontaneously combusted by now.
That said my MIL is fab. Maybe there's some huge backstory here and this is just the tip of the iceberg (e.g. booking holidays without checking with parents is v odd, just not the buying clothes thing). Otherwise YABU.
just make your own rules and make everyone else stick to them. your mil seems to have had her own way with your dp's other children, and might take time to adjust. don't let her get away with anything. your baby. yours.
Is this your DD the first grandchild? My MIL was a bit like this. Totally OTT, definitely played 'mummy' to the point where she and FIL called each other mum and dad around my LO. He just got caught up in the ride. She calmed down but it damaged our relationship a fair bit.
Anyway I've decided I'm going to make an effort n invite them round for lunch over the next few weeks, we always go to their house but I think maybe if she's in my home she'll have more respect for the fact that I'm dd's mother...I'll see how that goes!
No she's not forgetful, far from it. Like DP said "she gave me this cos she'll grow out of it soon" As though she was keeping it.
That's what she does, keeps things at hers n then gives them to us to use when she's nearly grown out of it so we can get some use from them.
She does similar stuff with DP's other kids, they have full wardrobes of stuff for when they stay there (she's not even well off) but I've always put that down to the fact that they spend so much time there so it's kinda understandable.
Also with DP's kids she's booked several holidays for them without checking with DP or his ex before hand, I also thought that was a little strange. My mum thinks in a generational thing n that this is prob what her mum was like when she had babies...I dunno. All I know is its starting to creep me out.
To be honest the first thought that came to my mind when I read your OP is - maybe this MIL has early dementia. Is she generally forgetful?
I think YAB a bit U.
I think you are probably right that she is loving having a little baby around and wants her to have 'her' stuff and 'your' stuff. It might irritate you but you know she's your baby! Your DD knows who her mum is.
The bum changing thing doesn't bother me in the slightest. My mum loves changing my baby
weirdo purely because she loves babies. She honestly would do anything with him, poo and sick included! I'm more than happy to hand over the poo nappies to her. Don't think she's change him for the sake of it.
Oh n almost every time mil has ever looked after DD she is wearing something different when I pick her up or when DP brings her home. Usually just a babygrows so that she's 'ready for bed' I always make a point of saying 'oh you didn't need to do that, she always has a bath before bed anyway' but still she does it. Or she'll say that she was sick so she got her changed...despite the fact that she is hardly ever sick anymore.
I'm dead funny about smells n I hate her being in clothes from mil's they smell like fags n chip pans! Errggghhh!!
"oh no she likes having her bum changed"
That's the wierd bit. The dress she probably forgot about but the wanting to change her even though she had already been changed is odd.
Just say "No it's fine" and repeat until they get the message. "No it's fine" and pick the baby up. I once had to almost PULL my DD out of MILS arms.
She'd babysat for us and it was the 1st time I ever left DD...who was very little still. I got back desparate for DD and MIL answered the door holding her...I put my arms out and she just looked at me like I was a funny piece of shit.
I said "Can I have the baby please?" and she laughed and said of course! But STILL didn't hand her over.
Weirdo she is.
And here's a tip...nobody...not even MIL gets to "insist" ANYTHING about your baby. Even the small things. YOUR baby YOUR call.
IN future, if MIL or anyone insists anything, put your foot down. You probably feel weird because you need to learn to assert yourself.
Once you're a Mother you have to learn to be a leader.
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