To be bloody furious with 5yo dd, and be on the verge of tears over this?

(564 Posts)
Lowla Thu 31-Jan-13 17:39:25

I'm so angry! Been feeling like this since i picked up dd from school, and i'm just getting angrier with her.

Last month, i sent her into school with a week's dinner money in her new purse. Comes out at hometime telling me i forgot to give her dinner money. The purse is gone, as is the money. No one's seen it nor handed it in. So the teacher told me the school made her up a little sandwich for free.

I've told dd she's not allowed school dinners again, and will have to take packed lunches. She's upset about this because school dinners sit separately from packed lunches, and her 'best friend' is always school dinner.

Today she had P.E. I sent her in with her kit and new shoes.

She comes out at hometime saying i forgot to pack her p.e. kit. Everything was missing. Finally managed to track down her shorts and top in the classroom but her new shoes are gone (they cost me £25!). She says she lost them before P.E and she had to do it in her school hard shoes instead.

I've now had to go and buy a cheap pair of trainers for £5 from ASDA, which don't fit properly because she's a half size, and i had to go into my food budget for them.

She just doesn't give a shit. She has ASD and she just keeps saying 'oh well. never mind. we'll just buy new ones.'

I honestly feel like punching a wall. I realise i'm being totally irrational, but it's the lying that accompanies the losing stuff which pisses me off most. Her teacher claims dd told her that i forgot to pack her gym stuff today. DD also told them last time i gave her no dinner money. In the school's eyes - it's me that's forgetting stuff, not DD.

Since she started school, she's managed to lose a tie, a pair of glasses, a pair of gym shoes, a filled pencil case, her dinner money and purse, her new trainers, her blazer. And i've only got half of the stuff back, despite it being labelled.

Argh! She's in the next room loudly drawing a picture and saying to herself, "This will sure cheer mummy up! Her favourite - a butterfly!"

Dreading her coming in to give me it, because i'm really still angry with her and i'll end up hurting her feelings.

I'm at the end of my tether with her. I can't keep buying her replacement stuff, but what other choice do i have? She NEEDS a tie, she NEEDS a blazer etc etc etc. I'm just so angry with her!

She doesn't care because 'caring' about others feeling is hard for her. She has ASD.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Thu 31-Jan-13 17:48:49

She's 5. She has ASD. You need to step back a little and think again. Part of ASD means you have trouble organising yourself and I think you need to cut her some slack. What measures are in place to help her at school with organisational skills?

FeistyLass Thu 31-Jan-13 17:49:37

Also, KenLeee is right. It probably is in the school somewhere so have a chat with the teacher about how they manage lost property. My nephew lost his jacket during the first week of primary one. The teacher and playground monitor were very off-hand about it. His dm had to go to the school 3 times before they found it but it was there (as was a whole pile of other stuff that children had misplaced!).

AppleOgies Thu 31-Jan-13 17:50:05

It's not that 'she doesn't care'... She's little. Speak to the school.

skullcandy Thu 31-Jan-13 17:50:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lowla Thu 31-Jan-13 17:50:08

She's a half size which is why i had to go to a slightly more expensive shop for trainers. She's been reminded constantly what stuff she's got in her bag. Every hometime, we don't leave the yard until we've checked everything's there.

I've looked myself in the classrooms/gym hall etc.

It doesn't help that the teacher believes dd over me.

Today she said to me, "Why don't you have another look at home - just to make sure you definitely did pack them. If not there, we'll look again tomorrow."

I packed her bag lastnight, showed dd.

I double checked this morning, reminded dd.

In the line at 9am, i opened dd's bag, and reminded her a final time what was in her bag.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

combinearvester Thu 31-Jan-13 17:50:56

Some people with ASD find organising and prioritising things difficult. This should have been explained to you on diagnosis. There are strategies you can put together to help her with this. School can and imo should be giving extra assistance with stuff like this - does she have a learning support assistant / statement / SENCO etc.

However you were mad to give any 5 year old weeks worth of dinner money.Send school a cheque / take it in yourself.

A five year old can also have no concept of the cost of things / what losing stuff may mean to an adult. A 5 year old with ASD especially so.

I think you might need specialist advice on her ASD / parenting a child with ASD.

Letmeintroducemyself Thu 31-Jan-13 17:50:56

ds school same - he is only in reception and is expected to be responsible for his own dinner money.

I give it to him in an envelope with his name on everyday - its £1.90 - if I give him £2 I never see the change.

Coconutty Thu 31-Jan-13 17:51:17

Uabvu she's 5 with SEN. Have you discussed this issue with the school? I'm sure they will be happy to help her get organised. I always look out for the SEN kids I work with, the entire lost property room is always full of their stuff.

Giving your DD a tenner and being cross with her when it goes missing is ridiculous.

Take the picture she'd done for you and go give her a cuddle.

tinierclanger Thu 31-Jan-13 17:51:31

She's FIVE.

Your expectations are way off. Also, I'm really surprised the school would have a policy of expecting small children to handle significant amounts of money - I would question that with them.

Samnella Thu 31-Jan-13 17:51:45

Just read the bit about the school not accepting the money. That is stupid and I would speak to them. And even say if that's their policy you expect them to provide a free meal on the occasions your 5 year old loses her money. They are being ridiculous. We use Parent Pay for school dinners so you pay online maybe suggest that to them. Get them to change the fussy uniform whilst they are at it. smile

manicbmc Thu 31-Jan-13 17:52:30

And YABU to be on the verge of tears over your poor ASD dd who is only 5 and cannot help being forgetful.

SamSmalaidh Thu 31-Jan-13 17:52:37

She's five years old - of course she loses things!

You need to find an alternative way to pay dinner money - speak to the school.
5 year olds don't need expensive trainers for PE - get her some cheap daps.

How is she losing stuff between leaving you in the playground and getting into the classroom? And why is nothing turning up despite being labelled? I think you need to investigate a bit further with the school.

WowOoo Thu 31-Jan-13 17:52:56

I'd never trust my almost 7 yr old with money. It must be really annoying to have a system like that. i bet if you asked and explained they would tell you about the alternative arrangements.

Oh, please don't be angry with her. She can't be fully trusted with money yet and you'll have to help her if you don't want to lose more.

Be angry with yourself, but make some changes so that this doesn't happen again.

I agree with others that you are being unreasonable - but I feel for you, you sound very stressed. Is this just the tip of an iceburg of feelings for you? It must be very hard and worrying to parent a child with ASD.

thebody Thu 31-Jan-13 17:53:18

You must be crazy to expect ANY 5 year old to be trusted with a weeks dinner money?

I am a TA in reception and spend a lot of my time tracing lost coats, or kits etc. it will be about. The kids get changed by each other and often scoop each others things into their bags.

Sometimes parents don't bring them back.

You need to calm the fuck down love, this is your fault not hers. She's a baby and if you are really this angry you need help. Seriously!

Don't ever spend £25 on school shoes. I wouldn't. Buy cheap.

March to lost property and just get an unmarked replacement kit, wash label it as yours.

And again calm down...

DoItToJulia Thu 31-Jan-13 17:53:39

What a crap school dinner money policy for such young kids.

Poor dd and poor you. You Abu as you are the adult and she is 5.

You need to discuss these matters with the school. She has specific needs and they must be addressed. There will be solutions to your problems, but they will involve you approaching the school and being kind to your still very small daughter.

CloudsAndTrees Thu 31-Jan-13 17:54:13

If what you are saying about the school is true, you need to find another one. The problem is with them, not your daughter.

Letmeintroducemyself Thu 31-Jan-13 17:54:38

I've cross posts so I'll say it again - ds school has same system 're money and he is in reception

XBenedict Thu 31-Jan-13 17:54:42

She's only 5 sad

I think I would be approaching the school and saying I WILL be handing in her dinner money into the office as, while you appreciate them wanting to encourage responsibility and independence, money has gone missing and you're not prepared to take the risk of this happening again.

DiamondDoris Thu 31-Jan-13 17:54:52

It's horrible when you have to replace lost things BUT I wouldn't give my DS school dinner money - he's got autistic traits and learning disabilities and he's 61/2. - plus he loses things all the time - not his fault.

MaryPoppinsBag Thu 31-Jan-13 17:55:15

YABU

Why on earth buy £25 shoes for P.E

You can get cheap plimsols from Asda/ Tesco for a few quid. Or get her feet measured and have them fitted at a Clarks for only a little bit more.

Have you spoken to the teacher?

SamSmalaidh Thu 31-Jan-13 17:55:19

How about handing her money and PE kit directly to the TA in the morning instead of your DD taking it in?

cloutiedumpling Thu 31-Jan-13 17:56:09

We have to give our five year old DS all his dinner money for a week on a Monday morning. The school will only accept dinner money on that day. No idea why, but I don't think it is that unusual.

My DS keeps on losing things too. It is very annoying. And expensive. The only thing I've found recently that seems to help is to make him realise there will be consequences if he forgets things. So, he now has to wear his old mittens if he has forgotten his "big boy" gloves the day before. He thinks his old mittens are the sort of thing that a baby wears and he hasn't lost his gloves quite so often since I made him wear them. If he lost his PE kit I'd probably make him wear something like a Thomas the Tank Engine t shirt that he thought was a bit babyish for the next week. Might sound a bit harsh but it does seem to help.

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