To be bloody furious with 5yo dd, and be on the verge of tears over this?

(564 Posts)
Lowla Thu 31-Jan-13 17:39:25

I'm so angry! Been feeling like this since i picked up dd from school, and i'm just getting angrier with her.

Last month, i sent her into school with a week's dinner money in her new purse. Comes out at hometime telling me i forgot to give her dinner money. The purse is gone, as is the money. No one's seen it nor handed it in. So the teacher told me the school made her up a little sandwich for free.

I've told dd she's not allowed school dinners again, and will have to take packed lunches. She's upset about this because school dinners sit separately from packed lunches, and her 'best friend' is always school dinner.

Today she had P.E. I sent her in with her kit and new shoes.

She comes out at hometime saying i forgot to pack her p.e. kit. Everything was missing. Finally managed to track down her shorts and top in the classroom but her new shoes are gone (they cost me £25!). She says she lost them before P.E and she had to do it in her school hard shoes instead.

I've now had to go and buy a cheap pair of trainers for £5 from ASDA, which don't fit properly because she's a half size, and i had to go into my food budget for them.

She just doesn't give a shit. She has ASD and she just keeps saying 'oh well. never mind. we'll just buy new ones.'

I honestly feel like punching a wall. I realise i'm being totally irrational, but it's the lying that accompanies the losing stuff which pisses me off most. Her teacher claims dd told her that i forgot to pack her gym stuff today. DD also told them last time i gave her no dinner money. In the school's eyes - it's me that's forgetting stuff, not DD.

Since she started school, she's managed to lose a tie, a pair of glasses, a pair of gym shoes, a filled pencil case, her dinner money and purse, her new trainers, her blazer. And i've only got half of the stuff back, despite it being labelled.

Argh! She's in the next room loudly drawing a picture and saying to herself, "This will sure cheer mummy up! Her favourite - a butterfly!"

Dreading her coming in to give me it, because i'm really still angry with her and i'll end up hurting her feelings.

I'm at the end of my tether with her. I can't keep buying her replacement stuff, but what other choice do i have? She NEEDS a tie, she NEEDS a blazer etc etc etc. I'm just so angry with her!

CloudsAndTrees Thu 31-Jan-13 17:42:06

She's 5. Why are you giving her a weeks worth of dinner money?

Sirzy Thu 31-Jan-13 17:42:45

She is 5 and she has ASD, it seems you are being quite unrealistic in your expectations.

KenLeeeeeee Thu 31-Jan-13 17:43:10

It can't have just evaporated into thin air, it must be in school somewhere. Can you ask to speak to the teacher for some support with this? My ds2* is 6yo and a bugger for losing or wrecking stuff within seconds of having it handed to him. I'm working closely with his teacher to make sure that she and I both know what he has with him so we can minimise what he loses.

*He's undergoing assessment for ASD too so I wonder if the two are connected?

manicbmc Thu 31-Jan-13 17:44:23

She has ASD and she's 5. She will probably be forgetful (more than a NT 5 year old). It seems a bit mean to be so disproportionately angry with her.

How do you know that someone hasn't been into her things and taken stuff for a start? And also I have never heard of anyone entrusting a weeks worth of dinner money to a 5 year old. Surely it is your responsibility to get that paid to the office?

gordyslovesheep Thu 31-Jan-13 17:44:27

kids loose stuff - mine have lost about 14 cardies this year, 1 pair of trainers, 1 swimming kit and lots of tights - I never spend money of stuff for school

she is FIVE not 15 - pay the school yourself and only EVER buy cheap trainers

YABU although I would ask school to make sure she puts stuff safely away

Lowla Thu 31-Jan-13 17:44:46

Rather than coins each day, i gave her £10 on a Monday instead. As the school advises.

Catsdontcare Thu 31-Jan-13 17:45:07

I think you need to take a step back and calm. I have a five year old with asd and wouldn't send him with his own lunch money.

You need to speak to her teacher about supporting her to keep hold of her stuff.

Feel quite sorry for her tbh.

OK. Deep breath. Take the butterfly picture say thank you warmly and nicely.

For everything else, post here.

justmyview Thu 31-Jan-13 17:45:51

She's only 5. I'd suggest cut her some slack

reward charts for looking after gear?

FeistyLass Thu 31-Jan-13 17:46:07

I can understand why it's difficult but I'd try to hand items over to the teacher or classroom assistant instead.
It does seem like a lot to lose so I'd also check that she isn't being bullied and having stuff taken from her. Sorry if that's all obvious and you've already tried it.

Lowla Thu 31-Jan-13 17:46:27

The office doesn't take the money. Parents are advised to give the children it to keep in a safe place, to teach them to be in charge of their own money and put it on their dinner cards themselves.

It's costing me a fortune and she just doesn't care.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhIWishThereWasABook Thu 31-Jan-13 17:46:43

You are being abu really. Take a deep breath. I was cross with my 12 yr old for losing stuff, that's what five yr olds do I'm afraid. She seems to have to look after a lot if expensive stuff for her age- buy cheep for now, label label label and hand in stuff to office/teaching staff. It is annoying but not the end of the world. Ps don't forget lost property has loads if stuff in it. I work in yr 1 and I've seen it!!!

When DS was 5 I paid his dinner money straight to the office as there's no way he'd remember it. When he lost something I'd ask the TA if I could come into the school and hunt around for it - we usually found it together. Everything was labelled, so it turned up in the end. I didn't replace anything. DS doesn't have ASD and he still loses stuff all the time. It's just normal - they need a lot of help with remembering stuff and finding stuff until they're.... oh I dunno, but I hope it ends soon smile

AgentZigzag Thu 31-Jan-13 17:46:56

I think you are overreacting a bit here, you've given her far too much responsibility, even for a 5 YO who doesn't have ASD.

I would be annoyed, but furious is taking it too far.

Why didn't you pay online with the school dinners? Or take it in yourself?

Your DD can't take all the responsibility for what happens to her uniform and things at school, stuff gets lost, it's a fact of life for even the most sensible older children.

It's so lovely she's trying to cheer you up by drawing a picture, but that shouldn't be her responsibility either.

manicbmc Thu 31-Jan-13 17:47:06

I'd question the school's dinner money policy then.

Pagwatch Thu 31-Jan-13 17:47:26

You are expecting her to cope with things beyond her ability.
It is frustrating, of course it is.

But she simply isn't developmentally able to take responsibility for the things you are expecting of her.
You have to take a step back.
Go and talk to the school.
It's not her fault.

Her comments 'oh well never mind, let's get new ones' is simply a sign that she doesn't understand the consequences. not her fault

skullcandy Thu 31-Jan-13 17:47:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I understand why you are frustrated and fed up. Especially if money is tight and you are having to buy stuff twice. You know she is not doing it on purpose but it is still hard to take.

Some thoughts
1 - is she definitely losing them or is someone taking them as that is quite a lot of stuff to go missing?

2- could the school send around a note asking everyone to check labels etc. or could you send an email around the parents if you have a list (we get a fair number of "have you got X's shoe" emails from parents at the DC's school)?

3 - Do you know anyone who has second hand uniform you could buy e.g. a blazer that has been grown out of?

4. With things like dinner money and P.E. kit is there a home / school book where you could put a note with the date so say 31/01/13 - PE kit sent in etc. I usually put a note in the message book when I send back a reply slip so when the school chase 3 days later I can say check the book I sent it in on Tuesday.

AppleOgies Thu 31-Jan-13 17:47:52

Oh dear. She's 5. I think you're expecting too much of her. Is there anyway the school can help? Handing money directly to them. What did the school suggest?

coraltoes Thu 31-Jan-13 17:47:58

My first instinct was kids are taking her things, have you ruled that out?
Pay school secretary yourself on Mondays ffs, and eliminate the midde man. She is a kid, with ASD you are the adult here, grow up.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Samnella Thu 31-Jan-13 17:48:12

YABU. She is 5. And she has ASD. But I understand your frustration.smile

Hand the dinner money into the office yourself.
Buy cheap trainers not £25 ones as you just know what will happen.
The school should rethink the uniform policy. A blazer and tie at 5? Why?
Pencil case? Again she shouldn't need to take this in.

Basically buy the minimum for as little as possible and label. Hand any money or important forms in your self to the office. I say this after losing several PE kits and school jumpers over the years.

AgentZigzag Thu 31-Jan-13 17:48:17

Your DDs school advises giving £10 to 5 YO children to hand in themselves and refuses any other way?

Really??

How very odd.

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