I want another baby, husband doesn't. What's the compromise?

(138 Posts)
Empross76 Sat 26-Jan-13 18:12:36

I wanted to put this in 'Chat' but can't find it!
I've posted about this before but didn't get much response and as it's ongoing I'm posting again...
So, we have two DC (DD aged 5 and DS aged 2). DH feels that family is complete and in no way, shape or form wants any more children. Even if we were loaded, had a bigger house... just feels the family is complete.
I feel the opposite way - I want more children. I love my two children with all my heart but don't feel that I'm done yet.
I've been broody since my DS was born, and it just won't subside. It's making me miserable and resentful towards my husband at times.
I could ramble on and on about this, but I'll stop there. So I was just wondering - anybody had a similar situation? What did you do? I worry that I will always feel this way.

Allinonebucket Mon 28-Jan-13 13:01:10

I always wanted three and DH wanted two or three. Getting baby number two has been such hard work, and taken so long, that DH wants to stop now. He feels we are too old and that it would cause too much stress trying again.
Of course I am sad, but I respect his thoughts on the matter, it has been hard.

I suppose everyone must sometimes think "what if".

Yfronts Mon 28-Jan-13 12:38:33

we had an extra baby (3rd) and I'm so happy we did. DH was unsure but now adores him

Yfronts Mon 28-Jan-13 12:37:48

Have you explained to hubby your strength of feeling and how sad it's making you feel.

Its a bit late now but you should of agreed on numbers at the start of your relationship.Not really a lot you can do if you cant get him on board

Life doesn't work out like that though. DH and I always said we would have 2 kids. However, DS came along and DH to my sadness decided he didn't want any more children. There was no compromise and as gutting as it was at the time, DS is 10 now and I am quite happy now just having him .

I know of 2 couples where the woman wanted another child and the husband didn't. The women wore them down in the end and they went onto have second....one of the couples have since split and the other couple are far from happy.

fromparistoberlin Mon 28-Jan-13 10:47:26

what the second poster said: I don't think there is a compromise in a situation like this. And sadly for you, you really shouldn't have a child unless both of you want to.

sorry! but its true

ResolutelyCheeky Mon 28-Jan-13 09:39:20

Its so hard to want another child and your husband doesn't but I feel it is important to only have one if you both want it. It is hard enough as it is without a child being resented by a partner.

Sometimes you just have to be grateful for what you have and remember some people aren't that lucky.

Doesn't stop you resenting the hell out of them sometimes though.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Mon 28-Jan-13 01:32:26

If I definitely did not want to get pregnant & wouldn't have an abortion then I would either have to stop having sex or get sterilised.

It's not easy to get sterilised though- too many people change their minds apparently, especially if they go on to a new relationship. I am 37 and have 2 children. Am absolutely 100% sure that i do not want any more. At my 6 week check up I asked to be sterlilised (got pregnant first month both times so am paranoid) but was basically told that it's too soon after my second for me to be sure and that "you're still very young". I got a Mirena coil instead, but I'd rather have been sterilised.

Compos yes there is. I didn't purposely get pregnant with my 3rd, I was on contraception and dh was using condoms. I asked to be sterilised but they refused on grounds of age, even though I have significant health issues that really should be taken into consideration hmm Dd2 was an accident albeit a very cherished one now. To deliberately sabotage your contraception is just plain wrong.

ComposHat Sun 27-Jan-13 21:03:21

red There is a difference between an genuine accident and having a partner deliberately sabotage the contraceptive method that you've chosen together isn't there?

RedHelenB Sun 27-Jan-13 20:59:13

If I definitely did not want to get pregnant & wouldn't have an abortion then I would either have to stop having sex or get sterilised.

Empross76 Sun 27-Jan-13 20:55:46

Jamie - I enjoyed the baby phase with my second child, but spent most of it terrified with my first!
Part of being desperate for another baby (at least one, anyway!) is missing that baby phase, but the biggest part is just wanting a large family with more than one sibling for my kids.
I always said I wanted four or five children before me and DH married, but I always said it half joking. It's only since my second child I've realised I really did mean it!

NumericalMum Sun 27-Jan-13 20:12:12

If a guy needs to wear condoms to protect himself against his wife lying about her own use of contraceptives and tricking him into having another child then I think it is fair to say that that marriage is irrevocably fucked.

Exactly!

balia Sun 27-Jan-13 20:09:17

What bluegrass said.

In my case, it is DH who wants more children, not me. Should it be my responsibility to 'make sure' by having an op because otherwise I'm just not 'serious' enough about not wanting to have a baby?

shesariver Sun 27-Jan-13 18:53:33

monkey no not an "odd" assumption at all, just based on the amount of women I have seen struggle as their kids grow up, and Im not necessarily talking about it taking as long till they are adults either. Usually people who have lived their lives through their children a to a certain extent.

The reason i said the male should be responible in these situations is mainly because it saves the woman being blamed incase an accident is genuinely made-it does happen.
And because it is he who has made the ultimate dicision, why should the wife pump herself full of hormones for the rest of her life when the husband could protect himself through having the snip or through buying & putting on his own condoms.
It also stops false hope for the wife and any hope of him changing his mind.

Obviously if trust is an issue then maybe its best to go separate ways

thebody Sun 27-Jan-13 18:45:56

ComposHat agree totally with that post.

There's no compromise. We have 4 and dh would have had more.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 27-Jan-13 18:45:12

I suspect that you are in a minority.

RedHelenB Sun 27-Jan-13 18:37:33

It's funny but I stopped feeling broody after I had my third but was incredibly broody almost as soon as dd2 was born!!

RedHelenB Sun 27-Jan-13 18:35:50

I would think that he was serious about not having another child Boney!!!

Even if the woman was using the coil, pill etc there can be accidents, wearing a condom eliminates the risk further

ComposHat Sun 27-Jan-13 18:23:50

If a guy needs to wear condoms to protect himself against his wife lying about her own use of contraceptives and tricking him into having another child then I think it is fair to say that that marriage is irrevocably fucked

^^This.

If you can't make a decision together about contraceptives and trust your long term partner, then it then the marriage as you so succinctly put it is fucked.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 27-Jan-13 18:18:45

RedHelenB

It can also suit women to have a "happy accident"

and as has been pointed out, after you have had the discussion about another baby and contraception how would you feel if your partner suddenly started wearing condoms?

Bluegrass Sun 27-Jan-13 18:10:43

If a guy needs to wear condoms to protect himself against his wife lying about her own use of contraceptives and tricking him into having another child then I think it is fair to say that that marriage is irrevocably fucked.

MummyPig24 Sun 27-Jan-13 18:02:18

I am desperate for dc3 but Dp is not totally on board, he is more practical than me. We have ds who is 5 and dd who is very soon to be 3, they already share a room as we have a 2 bed (rented) house.

We are getting married in 10 weeks and then saving for a deposit on a house. I am currently a sahm, we are 25 and 26 so we have time on our side.

I would really like to have dc3 next year, then go back to work. The way I see it is that the years they are little they will remember the fun times sharing bedrooms and all growing up together. We have enough money to eat well, albeit on a budget, ds is able to do a football club one night a week and dd goes to a private preschool for 2 mornings. Every now and then we go swimming or on a day out. We sacrifice things for ourselves so that the children don't go without.

I feel that having dc3 now would be great. By the time they are old enough to care about "things" and sharing rooms I will be back at work and dp works hards so will hopefully have progressed up the ladder.

Dp worries about them sharing rooms and needing a bigger car but has said he would like dc3. I know we probably sound mad but the pull of my womb is strong!

I agree with RedHelen, in instinces of the male wanting no more children, he should take sole responsibilty for contraception, either the snip or buying and putting on his own condoms. That way no-one can be tricked into anything that they haven't themselves contributed too.

Dromedary Sun 27-Jan-13 17:43:58

I had a friend who became very broody for a third child. Eventually she settled on a dog - which as a puppy needed lots of caring for - and has not felt broody since. And the children love the dog too.

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