I want another baby, husband doesn't. What's the compromise?(138 Posts)
I wanted to put this in 'Chat' but can't find it!
I've posted about this before but didn't get much response and as it's ongoing I'm posting again...
So, we have two DC (DD aged 5 and DS aged 2). DH feels that family is complete and in no way, shape or form wants any more children. Even if we were loaded, had a bigger house... just feels the family is complete.
I feel the opposite way - I want more children. I love my two children with all my heart but don't feel that I'm done yet.
I've been broody since my DS was born, and it just won't subside. It's making me miserable and resentful towards my husband at times.
I could ramble on and on about this, but I'll stop there. So I was just wondering - anybody had a similar situation? What did you do? I worry that I will always feel this way.
I know several who regret no. 3 or 4. It's a major taboo, however.
half a baby? no, that doesn't work. how about a little one - don't tell him they grow (though he might have noticed with the two you have). foster? won't work if he isn't willing. accidental pregnancy? many before you have taken that path. not very honourable though. emotional blackmail? burst into tears whenever you see, or hear someone mention, a baby.
you stop crying eventually. honestly. it just takes a decade or so. after that, it's only when something reminds you.
To be honest, most mums I know who wanted another baby, but DH didn't got a dog....
I have to say that I don't agree that its always the one who doesn't want another child that gets their way - why is that? Its about compromise. I think it comes down to the strength of feeling. My DH wasn't keen on having a third baby, but I was desperate. I was in a similar situation in that I would cry, was jealous of every new mother I saw and whilst I just got on with it on a day to day basis, it was a big deal for me. I think my desire for a 3rd child was stronger than his relunctance iyswim and he eventually agreed. He still says I talked him into it and I agree with Clarty, its logistically and financially very difficult and its hard work refereeing all the time - but she is worth it!
And now we are in complete agreement that we are stopping at 3, I feel completely done and feel like this is how it was meant to be.
I know its incredibly difficult but think you need to keep it on the table for discussion and see if his opinion changes.
"Im an awesome wife thanks."
Also meant to add that even if you have a conversation about how many children you want, life has a way of getting in the way - know of friends / relatives who've had twins (more children than they wanted), infertility following cancer (less children) and repeated miscarriage / failed IVF attempts (no children).
Ask my dH. He agrees. Sorry that you dont.
DS2 was 'normal' until 14months when he started having seizures. He had brain surgery just before turning 2 and is doing very well now, but...sometimes he is like having 2 children so maybe I have my 4 already
And you never know what life will bring you, can you & your marriage cope with an SN child when only one of you really wanted it in the first place?
SN diagnosis/ill children often lead to divorce even when the child was wanted by both.
Sorry to bring a downer but it's something worth considering.
Meadow2 it always makes me chuckle when I hear childless couples say how many kids they want in the future, especially when it's a large number. We always said we wanted 4 children, but since we've started having them it's gone down to a much more manageable 2 children!
I think if money's tight & you're not currently able to save, then a 3rd child is not a good idea.
In the same boat really I wanted 3 .... We were lucky enough to have twins second time round.
So we have 3 I feel somehow cheated out of a third pregnancy and missed out alto on all the baby things I did with dc1 as couldn't do things with dc2 dc3. Dh is adamant that we stop now
willsing -I think not discussing these things is how many of the people on this thread have ended up in that situation unfortunately.
I'm in the same situation.
DH doesn't enjoy the baby stage and financially I think it would put a strain on us (maternity pay and an additional child in the long term).
My head knows he's right but that doesn't stop me wanting another DC. I was always clear from the start of our relationship I wanted 3, he said he wanted 2 or 3.
I try and focus on our lovely 2 DC and how we'll have more time/money to lavish on them. Some days that works, others it doesn't.
I'm 38 too so I really don't have much time left
I think it is v idealistic, and naive, to say that you should decide on the number of children you want beforehand.
I always wanted a big family (4 children), to be a SAHM, and dh totally agreed with me. We now have one. It was a pretty grim birth which has left me with permanent problems, it's not clear yet whether I will even be able to have another child. I would dearly love to, but DH is adamant he does not want any more after our experience with ds. I've really got no idea what will happen yet, but. I am already mid 30s the big family dream is pretty much slipping away.
All you can do is talk to your DH honestly about how you feel. Does he undeerstand that this isn't just simply 'feeling broody' (which most women probably experience at some pint in their lives) but instead a deep feeling that something is missing - and possibly something that you won't be able to get over? Does he feel as strongly, or is it something he could come round to in time? I think you need to have some serious conversations - perhaps counselling on your own or together might help you work through this?
JKSLtd raises an excellent point - this is very similar to what happened to a friend of mine - after 2 very close together (2nd accidental) she insisted DH had a vasectomy. after a few years, she changed her mind. Her DH had been depressed for many years, they were miserable, so instead of dealing with the issues she decided they had to have another baby, she insisted her DH reverse his vasectomy, they had DC3. Who had a myriad of health problems, couldn't be put into childcare, had to have one of those alarms for when they stop breathing, operations - all normal family life stopped. Friend has subsequently had a nervous breakdown, can't work. Don't assume everything will be wonderful if you could just have...anything really.
Monkey, interested, if the man wanted to have another baby, and the woman didn't, would you think it was quite so clever and laudable if he, say, put a hole in a condom to get his own way? And justified his deceit and manipulation by saying he loved his kids, would give his life for them, and all his wife had to supply was the womb?
And would it sound like he was an awesome husband?
We decided on 2 because that was what dh wanted (and yes we decided before we got married, in fact we discussed it years before that), and although I wanted more than 2 I felt it should be a joint decision. We had our 2 and though I would have had another, 2 was a nice wee family. 10 weeks ago I had dd2, our third. She is a surprise, not a mistake, and once I was pregnant dh was happy and actually excited after the initial shock. I would still like more but I know that for me, this is my last, and I can be happy with that. I will probably still over newborns but I feel blessed to have any children at all, and so should you. There is no compromise here, I was just lucky.
I wanted a third, DH did not. I tried (I really did) to accept it and not be upset but it felt like something was missing inside and, especially after wine, I would sometimes ask again if he was sure. One day he said "no". His reservations were all practical - new car, rooms on holiday etc - but he came to feel he would regret not having another dc for those reasons more than the inconvenience of managing a third.
So my lovely dc3 is now 2 and, much as I adore her, I do occasionally think DH may have been right. Childcare costs and logistics have destroyed my career, we are more tired and stretched emotionally. My dad is dying and lives miles away but DH can't cope with 3 dc alone for long, do visits are restricted.
I would not give up dc3, I love her, but I can see that life with 2 would be cheaper, easier and less stressful. I am posting this as I have only come to understand it by being there, the desire for another dc drowned it out before.
I guess what I am trying to say is I understand where you are but your DH has valid concerns and if he doesn't change his mind, whilst you may not ever know (grass is always greener and all that) your life with 2dc may well be better in many ways than with 3.
Thanks so much for all the posts - from those of you who have been in the same boat (good to know I'm not alone) and opinions on the flip sides I'm not so focused on (SN, how hard a third can be).
Must remember how lucky I am to have my two gorgeous, silly, loveable, funny DCs, that's more than some people get.
Whispers... "I'd still like a third, though!"
monkeyfacegrace "I'd sacrifice my DH for my children"
Really? My children mean the world and more to me but so does DH, he's my best friend and my soulmate.
I really do get the impression that your DH is a glorified sperm donor who gives into you when you stamp your feet and tell him you MUST have a certain something
Hmm think this is really difficult because as women, I think, we have a strong biological and emotional urge to have more babies. Whereas men can think in a more realistic and detached way about it.
I think however think three children is a nice number, I was one of three and if I was married I think I would have wanted three children.
However my friend has just had baby number 3 and watching her struggle with sleepless nights and trying to work out childcare arrangements for all 3 now she is back at work does make me think really would I really want that?!!
meadow - 22 months between dc1 & 2. 29 between dc2 & 3, so didn't take him long to come round!
"DH just supplied the spunk"
In which case surely you just supplied the egg and the womb. Or does your husband (who you clearly respect and hold in such high regard ) do nothing at all for/with the children?
I do remember listening to an interview with a minor celeb talking about the number of children they had and he said that children were like mathematical squares - so 1 child is like 1 x 1 (so 1 obviously ), 2 children doesn't just feel like double the work is like 2 x 2 (so 4) and 3 children feels like 9 (3 x 3). Thats definitely my experience so I do understand that both parents need to be on board.
Before we were married, we had lots of conversations about the number of children we would have (at least 2) but then after we had ds, dh changed his mind. I must admit I do resent it. I'm still at the stage where I feel sad every day about it and am so jealous of friends with babies
It's interesting to see that so many people have faced a similar issue.
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