To ask if you would let a new boyfriend bathe your 7 year old daughter?

(145 Posts)
TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Tue 22-Jan-13 14:47:45

A friend of mine did this and I am not suggesting anything untoward went on at all but I found it very odd.

This little girl has had to cope to witnessing DV and now has to cope with a new man in her life almost immediately that her father left. Now 'friend' has him bathing her and completely stripping away her dignity imo.

AIBU to give this 'friend' a piece of my mind?

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Tue 22-Jan-13 14:59:03

No afaik he did not get the bath but helped her as she has long hair and it needed washing. I don't know, it made me quite angry when she mentioned it. `

pigletmania Tue 22-Jan-13 14:59:19

Mabey she meant gone into the bathroom with her not the bath. No I would not and I would not doit myself unless I know the child well. Even then I would run the bath and leave them to it

pigletmania Tue 22-Jan-13 14:59:49

I would tell her.

LaQueen Tue 22-Jan-13 15:00:42

No, no, no - totally inappropriate. Just wrong.

I didn't even bathe my own DDs at 7, they were perfectly capable of bathing themselves. Yes, I would probably be popping in and out of their bathroom collecting clothes, passing them a fresh towel, chatting - but that would be it.

Last year, one of my best friends supervised my DDs in the bath (they still needed a hand washing their hair) but she's known them since they were born, so totally different relationship. And at the time DH was in the house - but my BF knew she could get them whisked through bathtime far faster and with a lot less mess than DH, which was true.

OwlLady Tue 22-Jan-13 15:00:42

has he got children himself? younger sisters? it might be entirely innocent I agree. I am more hmm at your friend having a new relationship and just leaving the dd with him

ExpatAl Tue 22-Jan-13 15:01:47

No way. And definitely not in the bath together. A 7 year old girl should be learning about boundaries and this totally confuses things.

KumquatMae Tue 22-Jan-13 15:01:55

No, I wouldn't want anyone, of either sex, bathing my child after knowing them for that amount of time. Seven year olds don't need help and I know that mine would have been very uncomfortable with the situation.

HighBrows Tue 22-Jan-13 15:03:16

I would not be able to stop myself giving my friend a few home truths.
Your friend is setting up very bad boundaries for her daughter in the future. Reading this thread has made me feel very uncomfortable.

HighBrows Tue 22-Jan-13 15:04:43

Just to clarify I would not be comfortable with either sex bathing my children.

TroublesomeEx Tue 22-Jan-13 15:05:32

No. No. No.

No. No.

No.

And just in case you're unsure.

Absolutely not.

Doinmummy Tue 22-Jan-13 15:09:06

Absolutely not. I think it's odd that he wanted to do this. Totally inappropriate. The mother needs to be told.

Remotecontrolduck Tue 22-Jan-13 15:10:01

God no, what on earth?!?

If he was 'normal', he'd not want to bath a new girlfriend's kids!! Any sane adult man would recognise there is boundaries which you just do not cross

And a seven year old child can bath themselves.

This is so wrong, how could anyone possibly think it was ok?!

FergusSingsTheBlues Tue 22-Jan-13 15:10:12

I remember hating being bathed at 5, and that was my best friends mum.
Totally inappropriate.

SCOTCHandWRY Tue 22-Jan-13 15:10:23

I think if its ok for a female friend it's ok for a male friend.

That is a ridiculously pc thing to say!

While it's true that women can be abusers, the truth is, most (almo) abuse is carried out by men, and those men can be very clever at worming their way into the confidence of the families of their victims... even getting into relationships with the mother or father of the child specifically to gain access to the child.
IMO any man who shows an interest in bathing the 7 year old child of his recent girlfriend is suspect. I'm sure that won't be a popular view but it's one backed up but a certain amount background knowledge (work related).

FreudiansSlipper Tue 22-Jan-13 15:10:39

no

and I was not at all pleased when the ex's new girlfriend who had only just meet ds (4 at the time) bathed him and put him to bed

too much too soon no matter how long she has known him also given what her dd has been through she needs to take things even slower and she needs to get to know him better

Sugarice Tue 22-Jan-13 15:10:39

Absolutely not, just wrong,wrong,wrong!!1

Remotecontrolduck Tue 22-Jan-13 15:10:52

Wow, apologise for the grammar in that blush

HighBrows Tue 22-Jan-13 15:13:36

I just feel this would have/should have made the daughter uncomfortable too.
I'm really disturbed by this thread, why would anyone think it's ok for a virtually unknown adult to bathe a child.

CheungFun Tue 22-Jan-13 15:14:48

Just reading the thread title and I thought "No!".

DM had two relationships after splitting up with my father and I was 5 when she had the first new relationship and her boyfriend moved in and he never bathed me or put me to bed. I'd have a cuddle on the settee if i wanted and kiss his cheek to say goodnight before going upstairs but that was it.

I'm not sure how I'd deal if my friend was in the same situation as yours OP, but I guess talking to her about your misgivings would be the first thing and take it from there.

LittleChimneyDroppings Tue 22-Jan-13 15:15:57

Absolutely not. Why the heck would the mother ever think thats ok?

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit Tue 22-Jan-13 15:16:43

I didn't reply the first time I read this, but I've been thinking about it.

A decent man wouldn't be up for that. It's clearly inappropriate.
It's deeply weird that her mother should leave him in sole care with the intention of him bathing her.

I don't know anything about your friend or her BF.

But women that take up with child abusing men (and there are plenty of each) often like to offer them the opportunity, partly as an "I trust you" thing and partly as a "go for it".

I'd be tempted to explain the situation to local police and see if the BF is listed as a sex offender, as the daughter might be in danger. If they don't think you are entitled to know, it might be worth saying what you know to the daughter's school's child protection officer. Someone needs to watch out for that little girl. Her mother isn't doing it.

EuroShagmore Tue 22-Jan-13 15:16:48

No. AFAI can remember, my own parents stopped popping into the bathroom when I was in there when I was around 8. They certainly were not inviting random men in to "help" when I was 7.

Remotecontrolduck Tue 22-Jan-13 15:18:14

I'm surprised the girl hasn't said anything, my DD would have made it VERY clear aged 7 that she would wash herself or maybe she was excessively gobby

CailinDana Tue 22-Jan-13 15:19:50

No way. I was abused in the bath at age 6 by a friend of my mother's who volunteered to bathe me along with his own daughter, while they were staying with us. I remember that I didn't want to be bathed at all but my mother insisted. And so he had his opportunity, fully endorsed by my mother, which gave him free reign to carry on and do other things at a later stage. And seeing as my mother hadn't listened to my protestations about the bath I assumed she wouldn't be bothered about the other stuff so I didn't tell her. Perfect abuse situation.

Even if the bf wasn't an abuser, it's not fair to expect a 7 year old to be ok with being naked in front of man she doesn't know well - it shows a total lack of respect for her privacy and feelings.

SCOTCHandWRY Tue 22-Jan-13 15:19:52

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