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To limit DH to £50 per week?

(260 Posts)
MrsKoala Sun 20-Jan-13 16:25:36

Name changer - Inspired a bit by another thread, i am now wondering if i am being controlling.

I am a sahm and DH either works from home (all Jan) or into central London (2 hr commute). If DH is at home he will go to the co-op (which is very expensive i think) for something to eat when we have a kitchen full of stuff. He will return with snacks/lunch which adds up to about £10. He also will pop to wetherspoons in the morning for breakfast, which is about a fiver and often go to costa for a break in the avo for coffee and a cake. If he is at the office he can spend about £30 on breakfast, lunch and snacks/drinks.

I appreciate he just wants to get out of the house/office and we can afford it some months - If it means he gets ALL the money left over after bills and we don't save or put anything away for holidays. But most months he draws on our savings account as he has gone overdrawn.

I have suggested we both draw out £50 per week for our 'extras'. He thinks this is wildly unrealistic and is bristling with me when i have suggested he cannot use the savings account as a slush fund for £100 here and there when he goes overdrawn.

I want us to start living within our means but DH feels that he earns a good salary and should be allowed to buy coffee when he wants it (sounds reasonable but when you add it up it is shock ). We now have an issue where i am restricting myself to accommodate his spending. My MA will stop next month so we need to be even tighter with ourselves.

I wish i didn't have to try to control his spending but i am really worried - despite him earning a decent wage. Our outgoings appear to be huge and we are hemorrhaging money sad

So AIBU to give him a budget?

shewhowines Tue 22-Jan-13 12:19:19

Sorry yes I see that with the move your finances will improve. Then I don't see why you can't use savings to bridge the gap. It's obviously important to him.

FairPhyllis Tue 22-Jan-13 12:20:01

Hi Koala

I think you do sound like you are getting defensive because it turns out that there's no easy fix to the situation. You were desperately worried at the beginning of the thread, but as soon as people started criticising your DH your worries seem to have evaporated.

The point about defence workers needing to have control over their finances is a good one.

Part of the reason I am really concerned for you is that I moved to the US 6 years ago and know it well. I was able to work and I was living in a really nice small college town. Now depending on where you are going, you potentially are going to end up being really isolated, especially if you can't drive. You could very easily find that there is nowhere to walk to from your house with a pushchair and that you are basically trapped at home. This happened to a friend of mine when she went out with a baby for her husband's job. You may not even be able to do grocery shopping without a car - even I couldn't where I was living. This is a very socially isolating experience, especially as you won't be able to work, and it is notoriously difficult to make good friends with Americans. You also don't know how your MS is going to impact on you in the future.

If you're moving to the DC/VA/MA area, where many defence firms are, it's one of the most expensive regions of the US, and it is also all set up for car drivers. The cost of living will not necessarily be lower than in the UK. Any money problems you have may actually get worse.

Moving abroad is really hard - take it from me - and is a strain on any relationship, and even more so on one where you can't communicate about money, as you have described. I am honestly frightened by the situation you have outlined, because you are in such a vulnerable position and appear to have your head in the sand about it.

Astley Tue 22-Jan-13 12:25:28

shewhowinesit's £50 a week not a month! I don't thonk anyone who earns the sort of money he does would agree to £50 a month!

Personally I would agree to the £100 a week but say that you won't be able to afford skiing or any holiday this year if he spends all that. So if he were to only spend £50 a week that would be £200 towards a nice holiday. £100 a week is still a hell of a lot better than £30 a day and won't seem quite such a horrible shock.

shewhowines Tue 22-Jan-13 12:26:31

Sorry yes i was aware £50 per week.

AThingInYourLife Tue 22-Jan-13 13:26:00

"He also has an element of 'face saving' because the people he works with are often young ans single and on the same salary, so at lunch suggest expensive restaurants. He has accepted that as a man with a family he is not in that position anymore, BUT he is a bit unsure of how to say no."

He wouldn't need to say no if he wasn't troughing so many cakes.

There's fuck all point setting him any kind of budget while he maintains that having a job gives him the right to be so greedy.

MrsKoala Sun 03-Feb-13 14:42:23

UPDATE

We had a massive talk/sort out and have gone thru the lot. Agreed to £50 per week, selling some shares for emergency savings, opened a joint savings acc for everything to go in. I have also enrolled on a course which has 3 further course progressions to achieve my dream career. We have earmarked 5k for that and it has gone into my personal isa. Also I am doing life drawing classes for a hobby to get me out and if I can start selling some work then that will be a bonus (sorry, I didn't answer up thread, yes I used to sell work and exhibit but am very rusty now).

I feel a weight has been lifted. Thank you to all for your advice, I couldn't have clarified my thoughts without this thread. smile

scottishmummy Sun 03-Feb-13 19:24:09

ok, good resolution.keep eye on how all goes and best wishes with move

Trills Sun 03-Feb-13 19:36:29

Good luck smile

HildaOgden Sun 03-Feb-13 20:17:53

Best of luck MrsKoala,it all sounds like a very positive move forward smile

maninawomansworld Thu 07-Feb-13 11:52:20

We pay both our salaries into a joint account. Money for bills / mortgage goes into one account, pre-agreed savings go into other accounts such as new car fund, general savings, specific accounts for certain things that we want etc.. and then the rest is split evenly between us as or own and we are not allowed to get annoyed if we think the other is 'wasting' their money. Once it's gone though, it's gone and you've got nothing till next month.

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