to want to spend time alone with my son

(151 Posts)
TB87 Sun 13-Jan-13 21:53:59

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a tough spot and would really appreciate some help or advice whether you've been in this situation before or not.

I split from my ex this time last year, when she was 5 months pregnant, I'd realised over the months before hand that I was no longer in love with her, I didn't talk to her about it because as it was an issue inside me I thought I could deal with it, as it turns out I couldn't and knew we couldn't be happy together if. I knew staying together for the sake of a child is the wrong thing to do as they'd only end up getting hurt. I figured a child would be happier having 2 happy parents who live 8 miles apart than 2 miserable ones that live together?

We had been about to move into a cheaper place and as I didn't want her to have the stress of finding somewhere to live or having to move back into her parents and share a bedroom, I waited until we'd moved until breaking the news. As I was the sole earner I paid for everything for the first 3 months while living on various friends and families sofas. Once she received her maternity allowance we took that amount off my payments so I could find a place of my own. I've since realised that by doing so I took away her choice and this is part of the reason she's angry. I still wanted to be as supportive as possible and went to every ante-natal appointment with her and was there at every stage of labour and of course at the birth of my beautiful little boy.

About 3 months afterwards I started seeing a woman who I am now living and very happy with. My ex has also said that she's never been happier and that me leaving has been really good for her character.

Things are amicable between us and I see my beautiful little boy 2 evenings a week and during the day on Sundays, but only at my ex's house. She says that she doesn't feel ready to leave him yet and that because she's got to get used to the idea of eventually not spending every weekend with him (when I have him) and that he'll be around my partner, (who she says she hates and can't respect because what sort of woman would get with a guy who had a child on the way,) that I have to let her decide when she's ready, ages of up to 2 years have been mentioned.

I don't think it's fair on my son to not be around me in my home environment for that long a time, as if he only comes when older he might not take to the change. Also I think I'm perfectly within my right to be able to see him on my own as at the moment I can't take him out for the day on my own as my ex thinks that I'll secretly ring my girlfriend for her to meet him, which wouldn't happen as I respect my ex's feelings.

We've discussed it before but she point blank refuses to negotiate. I'm thinking of asking again in a few weeks and If my she still won't agree to negotiate with a time that I can start gradually taking him for longer periods at the weekend then I think my only option would be to go to a mediator and possibly courts as most of my family haven't met him yet as they didn't know my ex that well even after 7 years together and they feel awkward coming to her house. I don't think it's fair that he should only know half his family, especially now he's getting to recognize people and form relationships.

I'd really appreciate a woman's perspective on this. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to start seeing my son alone and gradually introduce him to my partner?

jay55 Thu 27-Feb-14 09:51:03

At this stage your ex knows you're not going anywhere.
She's not letting you have sufficient parenting time and is using your inexperience with sole care as a reason to not allow more. Which is totally unreasonable.

It's time for mediation.

Snoozybird Thu 27-Feb-14 08:56:04

Oops sorry I didn't realise the OP had resurrected an old thread, I thought he was just replying to PP's.

"She doesn't want him coming to my house during the day either until he is communicating properly and able to tell her if he doesn't like it."

I think this is very unreasonable of your ex, even if your DS says he doesn't like it does that mean she has the right to stop contact or dictate where it happens? No.

Having said that although it's a situation of your ex's own making I don't think it would be unreasonable to introduce your DS slowly to your partner, new environment etc if your DS would genuinely be distressed by the changes. However from what you say I would guess it's more of a stalling tactic in which case mediation etc might be your way forward.

TB87 Wed 26-Feb-14 12:20:03

Thanks all for your comments. My ex and I had a long conversation about this the other day and what she says is that before our son meets my new partner she wants to be sure that he is fully comfortable with me as at the moment I only see him in his home environment.

She says once I've been taking him out for days locally and she's comfortable that he's completely happy being out and about with me then I can start taking him out in my home town and gradually introduce my partner to him.

The reasoning behind this is that he is very wary around new people and clings to his mum for reassurance before warming up to them. So she wants to make sure that we have a close enough relationship for him to look to me rather than her for that reassurance when he meets new people.

Thoughts??

supermariosmum Thu 20-Feb-14 14:58:31

Snoozy bird re-read it! His ex was 5 months pregnant when he left her in 2012 - he says this time last year in opening post.

Snoozybird Thu 20-Feb-14 14:53:20

Sorry I don't understand how your son is 22 months old when your ex was 5 months pregnant only this time last year? Was that a typo in your opening post?

Hippymama Thu 20-Feb-14 13:15:45

You behaved badly in the way you left your partner, but your son is now almost two and your ex is being unreasonable. I can understand she doesn't like the situation (I wouldn't) but she is being very unreasonable now. I think mediation is going to be your next step.

MellowAutumn Thu 20-Feb-14 12:40:15

Mediation and then court if necessary

CoffeeTea103 Thu 20-Feb-14 11:13:07

Yes I second the mediator or some sort of legal intervention here. Your ex seems to want it all in her terms and that is very unreasonable. She needs to put her child first and doing so means a relationship with his father. It's almost two years, she should really move on as she seems to be holding a very deep grudge and your son is the brunt of it.

Morgause Thu 20-Feb-14 11:02:07

I think she's being very unreasonable.

Maybe it's time to think about a mediator or court. She has no right to say your son can't meet your new partner.

TB87 Thu 20-Feb-14 10:54:35

Hi all,

On another note: My son is 22 months old now and I'm still with my 'new' partner, we are in a committed, serious relationship which we both want to be in for life. We moved into a bigger house with my son in mind so he'd have his own room when he comes to stay.

He is going through his separation anxiety stage so I appreciate it's not the right time for him to be staying overnight at my house yet but I would like to introduce him to my partner.

His Mum doesn't want this happening until he comes to my house as she feels it would be disrespectful if she came with me when I take him out during the day (in his home town) as her family might see her (my partner) with him (my son) and be devastated. She doesn't want him coming to my house during the day either until he is communicating properly and able to tell her if he doesn't like it.

What are your thoughts on this? Is the timing wrong to introduce?

Again, not looking for sympathy, just advice from the other side of the fence as it were.

doublecakeplease Mon 28-Jan-13 22:14:30

At 8.5 moths he's old enough to be left. Relationships break down - children deal with it.

What if the mother never feels ready?? This shouldn't just be on her terms.

Who has DS when she's at work? Could you shuffle work so that you could do some if that childcare time?

What will happen when she meets someone new?? I think she's being too controlling here really.

SirBoobAlot Mon 28-Jan-13 22:00:49

You treated her like crap, and she is directing her anger at you towards your new partner. Because of that, she is frightened of her son developing a relationship with another woman.

And as a single mother I can totally understand that.

For what it's worth, my exP found it hard when I got a new DP as he was anxious about DS preferring my new DP. He has also only started having him for whole ages in the last year - he's now three.

It is hard as a single mother, especially one who has been treated badly, to let go and trust anyone to take their child for any period of time when you are used to watching them / doing everything with them.

Right now, she is letting you in as much as she can. Honestly I think you need to be patient. You may well be saying that you accept what you did was wrong, but you are not accepting the affect it has had on her.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Mon 28-Jan-13 22:00:22

It sounds like you have only been with your new partner for 9 months. You seemed to have moved very fast and I question whether it is necessary for your ds to meet her at this stage

If I were your ex I would be concerned that you are a serial monogamist and your ds will end up being introduced to many girlfriends

candr Mon 28-Jan-13 21:37:49

Your ex is scared to death that your new partner may become 'mummy' and if you have good relationship with your child she may think she will not be needed (or loved) as much as she is by baby.
Leave your partner out of situation for a while as hard as that may be for both of you but she seems to understand that your 'other life' needs sorting. Encourage your ex to bring lo to your house and introduce your family a couple at a time (and tell them not to even mention your partners name) Mke sure home is welcoming and child friendly (and not covered in your partners belongings)
She will relax eventually and may even get to the point of asking you to take lo so that she can go out. The more amicable you can be the happier your child will be as it is your child too.
However I still struggle to leave DH in charge of my 16m old as I know he forgets the time so sleep and food gets messed up and I have to sort it out so have a routine that stays the same at both houses.
I also have not spent night away from DS and while I would love a full nights sleep I like to be here in case he needs me and to have morning cuddles.
She really should let you take him to park even if she goes and sits on bench with a book to start with or she can drive you to a park of her choice and keep your phone till she collects you if that would help her.
You did screw her over though so am afraid yours is a long, repentant and hopefully successful road.

Branleuse Mon 28-Jan-13 20:20:25

not out of spite, so i didn't have to see the fucker again

Catchingmockingbirds Mon 28-Jan-13 19:46:28

Ask for any of what, her sons father daring to spend some time alone with his son?

thebody Mon 28-Jan-13 19:45:54

I wouldn't have left any of mine at this age.

You sound frankly a selfish man who cheated on his long term pregnant partner to be with another woman.

I wouldn't want you teaching a son of mine how to he a good man.

My sons dad stayed... It's called being responsible and loving. You were together for 7 years not 7 nights.

I think the part about her thanking you for leaving her was laughable.

FrameyMcFrame Mon 28-Jan-13 19:36:41

I think she's being quite reasonable.
She didn't ask fir any of this.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Mon 28-Jan-13 18:40:38

Branleuse why the hell should the OP feel lucky that he gets to have any contact with HIS son?!

His son deserves to have a relationship with his Dad, irrespective of whether his Mother is still hurting over the breakdown of their own relationship.

You would have moved away, it seems out of spite?! Disgusting

UKSky Mon 28-Jan-13 17:57:52

There is another similar thread on her but the OP is the mother not wanting her child to stay overnight. Circumstances are very similar and she is being told that she should let baby stay overnight.

Branleuse Mon 28-Jan-13 17:40:08

i think youre lucky to get access at this age at all tbh after completely fucking her over like that. I would have moved away

MakeItALarge Mon 28-Jan-13 17:27:30

In theory Altinkum you are totally right, but its obvious his ex doesnt agree. So the choice now is for OP and OW to go to cout and spend thousands and years fighting for their legal entitlement or op could try and work with his ex and built a relationship based on the needs of their son.

Altinkum Mon 28-Jan-13 17:11:49

I couldn't really care less about what happened before your child was born, because its irrelevant now.

A few factors need to be considered, if the child is BF or not?

As the father, yes you should be able to have your son without your ex being their, or to leave alone with him so you can do your own thing, visit your family etc...

I don't think your BU at all, this is about the child, not your previous relationship with the mother.

Fightlikeagirl Mon 28-Jan-13 16:56:20

I have to agree with MakeIt, I think getting friends involved to tell your ex how lovely your girlfriend is would probably make it a lot worse.
Is it not possible to totally leave her out of the equation for a good while yet, concentrate on your relationship with your son and building bridges and trust again with your ex. It sounds like your ex's feelings are all still very raw, I'm sure over time this will lessen and she may then see your girlfriend in having some kind of part of your sons life but right now (rightly or wrongly) she understandably hates this woman.
Give her time. Good luck.

MakeItALarge Mon 28-Jan-13 16:39:42

Sorry to disagree but I think getting mutual friends to tell her the OW is lovely is a bloody awful plan. From your ex's point of view this women has the man she wanted, she has to hand her baby over to her, I really dont think involving mutual friends will help.

I agree evil with no soul is so over the top its almost funny but I can totally understand why she resents your relationship. Presumable she did not start a relationship during the pregnancy as she was busy having your child, while you were busy with OW. Of course she is being unreasonable to blame the OW rather than you, but surely it must have occoured to you that the pregnancy was a very bad time for you to be prioritising your relationship with someone else?

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