Mumsnet Talk

What you did was pretty horrible OP and I'll bet my left leg that you wanted out before your ex got pregnant but you kept sleeping with her anyway. Because it was convenient?
I'll also bet you had the other woman ready too.

You dont plan to have a child with someone then chicken out at the last minute.

I think you know your request in unreasonable but you're using this an excuse to not see your son so you can cosy up and play happy families with the new woman.

why TidyDancer??? is it uncalled for????

I have just said what many are no doubt thinking.

1st off you didn't suddenly decide you'd fell out of love with her-you knew this for a while so why the fuck did you carry on having unprotected sex with her knowing the end result was possibly a child that would have 'two miserable parents'?

That aside don't talk about your rights as you don't have any, she as the childs mother & primary carer calls the shots so the sooner you get your head round that the better you'll get along.

I do however think you should spend time with your child so you need to talk to her & prove you're not the arsehole she thinks you are but from what you have revealed so far I think that may be hard work.

FWIW I wouldn't let my child near the OW either & lets make no bones about it, that's what she is/was.

Yes it absolutely is uncalled for. You don't know the OP, you don't know anything about the situation other than what has been written. Sometimes it's best to just take someone at face value rather than assume.

You chose to call him a "nasty little fucker" instead. What a lovely choice of words.

At the end of the day, unless OP was abusive, the Ex has no more rights to the child than he does. The child is 8 months old from what we can gather. Not a new born. As someone else said, plenty of people go back to work before this date and babies are seperated from the mother.

How is the child going to get to know the father without the mother around. At what point is it acceptable for him to be left alone with the child? Who gets to determine that age?

how old is the baby and is he being breast-fed?

TidyDancer your attack on Doha was massively uncalled for.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion so l think it is best to agree to disagree on this one TidyDancer.

Thank you PelvicFloorClenchReminder love the name and away to do just that

I haven't attacked Doha, obviously.

How old is your son and how is he being fed breast or bottle.

Agree this is essential info.

A small baby shouldn't be apart from it's mother if that is what she wishes (bonding etc) and breast feeding will mean separation is totally impractical

OP, you need to consider how you appear to others.

After 7 years your partner and family still didn't really know each other, to the point that your family don't feel able to visit her. That's frankly a bit odd, and suggests you kept her separate from them all that time because you never really regarded her as a permanent fixture in your life. Which suggests you strung her along all that time, possibly because you like your home comforts (supported by your rapid moving-in with your new girlfriend).

Regardless, you allowed a pregnancy to occur (as did she, but I'm leaning to her having regarded you as permanent), and when you realised that this was an actual COMMITMENT, you took fright and backed out ASAP. But not before moving her to a cheaper place (as you were paying, no need for expense, eh?) which could also have moved her from her support network of friends and neighbours.

Interesting that your couch-surfing ended around the time you met your new girlfriend. Did you move straight in or spend any time living alone?

So your ex, working from the above, can see that you do not do commitment. And she knows what it's like to have someone rip their apparent commitment away. She may well fear that you will do the same to DS, and just as unexpectedly as you did to her. Wouldn't a good mother try to protect her child from that? If you visit DS at their home, she can monitor. Out of her sight, she can't be sure you'll meet DS's needs, wither physically or emotionally. She doesn't know if she can trust you. After all, last time she trusted you it didn't work out so well, did it?

And that's even before you consider the primal need many women feel to keep their babies close - and at 7-8 months old, your son is still a baby.

Your post is all about you you you; your home environment, your rights, seeing him on your own. You need to start putting him and his needs before your own. As any good parent would.

I bet the op never comes back...
He just wanted to be told he was a wonderful father and totally in the right

The majority of the posts in this thread are totally out of order.

OP, if you are still reading, take no notice.

Who knew what bitterness people can have towards complete strangers?

YANBU OP, although I can appreciate it is hard for a mother of a tiny baby to be parted from them overnight.

No anwers really, except I hope things work out well for you all.

As for some of the posters here, what a nasty bunch.

dont you think your ds will feel arkward being taken away from his mummy to be passed around by strangers in a strange environment?

I can see where you are coming from but regarding access arrangements for extended family when relationships break up - well a child has to get to know family at some point. And regarding overnight access a lot depends on the age of the child.

So much hasnt been said e.g why OPs family havent met ex -maybe its not their fault?

P.S. Mumsnet - if some of these posts are not personal attacks, I don't know what are!

PelvicFloorClenchReminder must have missed something but I cant see where tidy attacked doha, all they said was calling the OP a nasty little fucker was out of order?

You have behaved very shoddily OP. I think you have managed to kid yourself, and probably your family, that what you did was in everybody's interest. I think you know deep down that you have ruined your ex's happiness and treated her badly, and continue to do so. Take a look at yourself, what you have done, and find some compassion for her and her baby who will deal with the repercussions of your mean spiritedness for a long time to come.

Again shows the double standards of mn. if a woman came on here posting she was no longer in love with her partner but was pregnant no one would be telling her she must stay with them just because of the baby. So why is it different when a man leaves?

As long as the baby is not soley breast fed then the father is quite capable of looking after it without mum in the same house. The op should be able to take his child to his home and introduce him to his family and if the mum was blocking this then he should look at mediation and if needed a court order.

I wonder if TB87 will even bother to comment on this thread.

I have a feeling that this will turn into a 10 pager regardless of whether he does or not.

I think a lot of people are projecting their own disappointment/resentment/bitterness over their relationships/history on the OP.

Sad.

Actually cantspel I've seen quite a few threads lately where women have been asked why on earth they got pregnant when their relationships weren't great. I think it's fair to say that the OP in this case strung his Ex along, and by doing this he limited her choices.

doha you sound lovely . No-one has said the OP is without blame but we dont really know what is going on here, you have been quick to judge however. I think pointing out your opinion without calling him a nasty little fucker and a twat is possible.

Hahahahaha Marianne -brilliant comeback--NOT

but please do not derail the thread with your insults to someone who is simply expressing an opinion not at you---unless you are indeed the OP