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For just wanting my DC to go to school

(313 Posts)
cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 06:38:35

So the week before the Christmas hols I had youngest DC off school with D and V for week and middle DC got it for last 2 days of term. They were both ill on and off over Christmas. As was DH who spent most of the time "having naps". I came down with the same cold he had but obviously mine was nowhere near as bad ;)
So new term starts and I've had middle DC off with a throat infection, she finally starts to rally yesterday and I'm awake early this morning giddy at the thought of getting out of the house alone for the first day in a month.....with that youngest DC walked in and was sick.

AIBU to just want them back to school so I can actually get on with my life. I adore them, I truly do but FFS a month at home......!! DH thinks IBU and it's just one of those things. He's even suggested I rehome our dog as I haven't been able to walk her all week.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 14-Jan-13 20:58:03

I agree with Dayshiftdoris. You are best off jumping ship. Stay in the house, and he can come back, even if he leaves initially. You need a fresh start. Money isn't everything.

dayshiftdoris Mon 14-Jan-13 20:42:01

I meant to say too that a couple of them were loaned money from family to pay deposits but one of them I think qualified for some loan... another squirrelled money away for months away from her hubby...

It was the start up that was the trickiest but there are ways round it - defo CAB x

dayshiftdoris Mon 14-Jan-13 20:35:16

Can I turn this around for you a little bit perhaps...

Am I reading it right that basically he will leave you with nothing should you leave - that is the house and finances are in his name completely?

If they are then in my book that could be excellent news...

(Bear with me)

Forgetting for a moment what you have contributed and are entitled to should you leave him with the children then is it not possible to leave and set up very basically on your own in rented?

2-3 of my friends have divorced and done this - basically walked away from the family home leaving their DH to have the house for themselves... what I have noticed is that it makes them much much less vulnerable than had they had stayed in the family home.
As they have gone through the divorces the finances have been sorted but for that period when they left they did not rely on their ex for anything.

Only one of them was not working - though she is a carer for her disabled child.

You will not have the lifestyle you had, you will have to skimp and save BUT you are now... it just feels scary because you dont have someone to potentially bail you if needs be... though realistically would he if there was a problem even how things are?

I have been a single mum for all the time I have been a mum. I have a mortgage and until recently I worked.
I am now SAHM as I inheritted some money - this has put me over the threshold for benefits but I still get child benefit, carers allowance, child tax credit and about £30 a week CSA - I haven't yet gone into my savings though I am close to that point after 4 months... My reckoning is about £100-200 a month shortfall - if I qualified for council tax benefit or housing benefit then I reckon I would easy be able to live & still run a car...

Yes my son lives in hand-me-downs but he had an ipad recently through saving and selling old toys on ebay. I sell everything once out of use. I shop around for deals on utilitys, use TopCashBack and save like mad for stuff. We dont have many holidays and I get them as cheap as possible. My biggest out-lay are my son's activities but I pay for those out of his DLA and are crucial to our sanity.
Oh and I have NO credit... nothing - not even a store card.

It is do-able - www.turn2us.org.uk is the best benefit checker online but I think other posters are right - you need to see the CAB or welfare rights just for that face2face reassurance.

As for the dog - sounds like you over-compensated as much as you could... I walk my dog on the school run - take her in the car and then take her a son for a run round the field smile - everyone happy!

Good luck x

Hanikam Mon 14-Jan-13 12:59:52

Thank goodness you are ok cath.
Hope your kids are better and back at school. Is there anyone who could help you out in RL while you decide what to do?
Even chatting to someone at the CAB could give you a few pointers in terms of your rights.

Hello cath I am so pleased you have moved away from thinking about putting up withit, and are now seeing that you have options. You mentioned at the start that you have some really good friends, anyone who you can confide in at all?

Is there anyone who might help you in rl to help you'd save money? Look after the DDs while you,go and investigate your options? Please pm me if you like! smile you sound much stronger by the way.

TheEarlOfDoncaster1963 Sun 13-Jan-13 19:47:32

Cath - is there anything you can sell on ebay or something to get some cash together? We too have a house full of stuff and hardly any cash but lately I've been 'simplifying' and trying to get rid of the things we don't use or don't need. ANything he wouldn't notice going?

I think your children would choose you anyway (you actually parent them rather than ignoring them!)- but I'm sure they have to be 12 or 14 to actually have a say in where they live.

JustFabulous Sun 13-Jan-13 15:07:26

Cath, I don't know if you have seen GettingBigger's thread but I started reading yours where I had left off and I thought I was reading her thread and hers is very very bad.

You seem to be aware though and I hope you are able to get out of this abusive household.

BTW Your children should not be put in a position where they have to choose which parent they live with.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 13-Jan-13 14:45:14

I'm pleased that you are at least starting to think things through and work out how to do this. You don't need to be able to afford two houses. He only needs a flat somewhere - he's not going to have the kids there. Forget all his 'threats' and crap - we have a social welfare system that will help you and once you are free of him you will be able to work on your business or whatever you want to do. You can see the damage he's doing to your kids, if only you could look from the outside and see the damage he'd done to you sad

Be strong & determined - for your sake and your childrens sake, you can do this.

PessaryPam Sun 13-Jan-13 12:14:41

I would have stayed with my Mum rather than my Dad even though he was always the more generous with money. So don't assume they will be bought off that easily. Kids understand time spent with them and day to day care.

FelicityWasSanta Sun 13-Jan-13 11:24:51

I know very little about anything OP, but I do know that in the long term love is massively more important than stuff.

In the years to come your DC are going to ask you why you stayed, what will you say?

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 13-Jan-13 11:16:28

It's not your fault. You are not the one who is abusive. Even if your kids chose him, it wouldn't last long. Do you really think he would look after them and care about them the way you do? You won't lose your kids.
And you don't need to buy 2 houses. You will get benefits help when you move out, and when the divorce goes through you will get half the value of the house you have now.
PLEASE contact womens aid and solicitor for advice on Monday. Just do those two things.
Every journey begins with one step.
You have an army of support here. Keep posting, or PM people-or both!

KhallDrogo Sun 13-Jan-13 10:25:15

cath I stayed with my emotionally abusive x too long, 'for the sake of the kids'. I felt like my happiness was a small trade off for keeping their family together. It's not just your happiness though, its your self-respect. And without that, you are nothing.

It was MN, that made me realise you have to leave for the kids, not stay!

The thing that did it for me, was the thought of my dds in a marriage like mine...you are their role model, giving them a blue print for future relationships

I'm 6 months out. We are skint. Everyone is happier

Your dc might like the gifts for a few years, but I bet they are savvy kids. They will see him for what he is. Especially the one he doesn't like. She won't thank you for staying with him

Good luck

so glad you are ok - kept checking to see if you had updated

roll on monday smile hope all the children are well and able to get back to school.

cathkidstonbag Sun 13-Jan-13 09:13:23

As a teenager I think mum being nice to you isn't as important as dad buying you a top of the range mac book (her treat with his bonus last year). I know if I had had 2 parents at that age I would have gone for the gifts!!

And having looked through the finances it appears we have a house full of stuff and no money. Forget enough to buy 2 houses, we can't afford the one we have. I wonder when he was going to tell me that???

Chooster Sun 13-Jan-13 09:08:28

Oh my goodness it is not your fault in the slightest. You have been doing everything you thought was right in the face of someone who has been so nasty. Its a wonder you are so together. And you never know the decsions in the past may well have been the right ones, but now yoi see negative aspects of that decesion so now realising you need to change things.

Sounds like you are being caring and responsible. Your kids are lucky to have you.

As for material stuff, its nice when they get the things but even at a young age I think they realise its all a bit hollow. Tenderness and kindness and real parental love is what matters... they'll realise that.

cathkidstonbag Sun 13-Jan-13 08:05:24

I'm sorry I haven't been back. Not easy to do so at weekends! Did manage to escape the house yesterday for a few hours. The restorative properties of being out and a latte did wonders. A month in the house was really too much!!

I have had a few lightbulb moments and need Monday morning to roll around so I can process them. I can't begin to thank you all enough, I was so low and feeling unable to cope and I'm calmer now. I don't know quite how to sort this all out, I know I need to be a grown up and do it all myself but I wish I had somebody I could depend on. It's so hard to change things but I know I have to.

Yesterday I listened to my DC arguing and bickering. Kids do that I know. But the way they speak to each other with no respect? They've learned that. I've prided myself on being a good mum for years, that by sacrificing me their lives will be better. I really didn't think that through did I? Very sad to realise its my fault.

It won't be easy, DH spoils them materially (not the youngest though). He buys their love. I won't be able to offer them that. I hope I can offer them enough that they will choose me.

Thanks.

MumVsKids Sun 13-Jan-13 06:07:58

Are you ok op?

I'm worried. Cath please come back and update.

milf90 Sat 12-Jan-13 19:10:00

Are you ok op?

Hanikam Sat 12-Jan-13 10:45:05

cathkidston where are you? Is your DH monitoring your computer activity too? Worried about you

aufaniae Sat 12-Jan-13 10:37:06

cathkidstonbag once the DCs are better, will you be able to see RL friends who you can talk about this kind of thing?

i haven't stopped thinking about you since i read your thread yesterday Cath

Hope you are ok today - it must be very hard to read everyone's comments

Please think of what your life could be like without him

Take care and if you are in NI PM me as i would be more than happy to help practically

BeaWheesht Sat 12-Jan-13 00:19:01

I'm sorry I've been busy all day so just caught up and I stick by what I said earlier - this needs to stop - you and your kids deserve so, so much better.

Please forget about money to a certain extent - it really isn't the be all and end all and certainly isn't worth this. If he's really beaten you down so much that you don't value yourself then please value your kids.

He is an abusive and possibly potentially dangerous man and you need to leave him ASAP. IIWY I would arm myself with every scrap of info I needed to get the ball rolling and then I'd just get on with it - make yourself be one step ahead of him. You're worth more than this.

Hanikam Fri 11-Jan-13 22:35:12

assassino maybe cathkidstonbag could pm you for some professional advice? There are too many warning signs to ignore.

IfNotNowThenWhen Fri 11-Jan-13 20:47:53

Hear hear assasino.
Do keep posting OP. Ask for help-you will find it. There are so many people on this website who can help you-legal advice, benefits advice-anything.
You have access to a whole new life I absolutely promise you.
You are not alone.

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