am i been unreasonable my daughters pregnant again

(136 Posts)
alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 10:58:06

hi everyone and a happy new year.need to unburden and need advice please.ive posted on here before regarding my daughter and my grandson. shes 17 and my gs is 15months i care for him full time have done since june last year as she couldnt cope with been a full time mum. ive just found yesturday shes pregnant again to a new lad shes about 5 weeks. why have another one when im looking after her first child. she states shes keeping the baby. ive said to her she cant cope and shes selfish not talking to her at the moment im mad angry and upset havent slept and just dont no what to do with her. i really feel like disowning her for good.im sick of her shit shes making me feel ill. doctor wants me on antidepressents. where did i go so wrong.

ErikNorseman Mon 07-Jan-13 11:02:32

Bless you
You stepped up to raise her child, well done. Do you think she will manage with this one? Would you be up to raising it also? I do feel for you, teenagers can be nightmares bloody stupid impulsive at times sad

Good on you for stepping in to care for your gs, but maybe if she had had to keep him she would know how hard it is and that alone would have been contraception.

McBalls Mon 07-Jan-13 11:06:59

Oh poor you, this sounds an awful situation for you.

I don't have any advice really, just wanted to say well done for caring for your GS, and I can totally empathise with how you're feeling about this new pregnancy.

alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 11:08:24

she wont be able to cope with this one.ive 2 girls myself ages 6 and 3 plus my gs in the house a 2 bed house i cannot care for anymore.she prob would have him taken away from her as social services are involved thats why i stepped in i couldnt see him care.

alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 11:09:20

just dont understand why shes having another. she hasnt got any money and i cannot help out as im payimg for her 1st child

shewhowines Mon 07-Jan-13 11:10:20

Time for some tough love i'm afraid. You need to state clearly that you won't be looking after it and that you don't think she is capable of raising one on her own. You need to tell her that you will be asking social services to be involved for the sake of the child.

You will also need to tell her that she is on her own with this one and will need to move out (if she hasn't already).

Make it clear to her that you will act in the best interest of the child, even if that involves informing SS of any neglect etc, but that you will not have another one in the house or raise it for her.

Talk about adoption if she is against abortion.

Be clear and stand firm. Tough love. You will do her no favours else.

Lambzig Mon 07-Jan-13 11:11:40

Poor you, this is a dreadful situation for you. Really good of you to take on your GS when you already have your hands full.

Can you take a deep breath and sit down with her and talk through how she is going to cope? Does she have somewhere stable to live, a job, etc?

No advice really, but I do feel sorry for you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 07-Jan-13 11:15:13

Oh how awful. What a selfish person she is. Does she have any comprehension of what she's actually doing? I don't know what would be the best for you but in your position, I'd be telling my daughter that no, I will not take on another child for her and that she must take responsibility for herself.

I'm certainly not going to say a trite 'well done for taking on the grandchild' when this has the potential for sending you to the doctors for anti-depressants. Your health comes FIRST and you do not have to abdicate your life for your daughter's selfish and irresponsible wants.

MadamFolly Mon 07-Jan-13 11:15:26

Where is she living?

I think I would be informing SS of this pregnancy and her circumstances, who is the lad? Is he capable? Are his parents involved?

alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 11:16:09

im not good at tough love but i cannot take anymore.ive told her i wont be looking after another.she wont get rid or have it adopted.she lives with her bf but they owe rent arrears gas electric arrears never have no money shes always asking me to borrow.ss will find out as there still involved. i tried talking to her she told me to f off and its her life so now ive decided not to be in contact with her which hurts me but i cant go on like this.

alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 11:20:30

shes so selfish. shes not thinking of her son who lives with me. hes a nice lad he works well sometimes. he is good with her son who isnt his. his family are not very good tbh his dads a drunk. his mum lives away.

Tralalalaha Mon 07-Jan-13 11:21:01

No more money. Full stop. I've been trying to get this across to my pushover mother about my feckless middle brother for years. Same story, gas, rent, electric arrears, payday loans, got a full time job, left it because he couldn't hack working full time and not seeing his 'babbies' even though he left both of their mums, and basically doesn't see them unless my mum drives him round there. Consequently my mum is skint, knackered and depressed with the stress of it all. Don't go the same way, please. If you don't help her out she'll have to hit rock bottom, and that will be DAMN good for her.

StuntGirl Mon 07-Jan-13 11:22:25

Does she live alone or with you still? Is she still at school? Does she have a part time job or anything?

It does sound like some tough love is needed, as she will never learn if someone is there to pick up the pieces. The thing is you're not being spiteful or anything, even if you feel you're being cruel. If you literally cannot take on another then you can't. In addition she's clearly not learnt her lesson so what would happen with child number 3, or 4?

Can you have a chat with her about contraception - she's going to have sex anyway by the sounds of it so could you get her on the pill/injection/whatever and give her some condoms. I mean, its the other negative consequences about sex that make me shudder, but I suppose all you can do is talk to her about them and then let her make her own decisions. You can't stop her having unprotected sex, unfortunately.

We have someone with similar feckless attitudes in our family, and already her eldest daughter is on the same path. The strain on those around her has been enormous. I feel for you, I really do.

shewhowines Mon 07-Jan-13 11:23:45

I think you're doing the right thing unfortunately. Removing yourself from the situation is the only thing you can do.

Refuse to give/lend any more money as you need it to raise HER child.

Tell her that you would like to be there for her but you can't stand by while she ruins another child's life as well as her own. Also tell her that when she starts to make positive moves to sort out her life then you will do your best to help.

Until then stand firm. Act in the best interests of the baby. Tough love.

She is right, it is her life so you need to back off and let her make her own mistakes and deal with the consequences. You need to do this for your own health. Just make sure that SS act in the best interests of the child, even if you do feel you are betraying you DD.

alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 11:32:11

its so hard but ive done and tried everything

alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 11:33:22

do i disown her for good or is that just been bad as her mum

happynewmind Mon 07-Jan-13 11:35:50

I always said that if I were to end up in this situation in the future I like you would support my daughter and grandchild.

But I do wonder if you can support too much, if you are always there to pick up the pieces then she knows she can continuously fuck up and you will fix everything.

But then of course its instinct to do everything you can to protect your children.

Its a hard one but I think you need to make it really clear that you will not be taking on another child without completely alienating her. She needs to know that while you love her and you will support her you will not be picking up the pieces of her mess this time.

alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 11:38:19

your so right i cannot do it again ive took her 1st on. its so hard as ive 2 of my own aswell to care for. i could rip her head off but i no this wouldnt help matters.

StuntGirl Mon 07-Jan-13 11:39:56

Does she live with you OP?

alycia Mon 07-Jan-13 11:41:58

she lives with her bf

ComfortablyCurvy Mon 07-Jan-13 11:43:13

I wouldn't disown but lay out new rules and stick to them.

No more money off you
You will not be taking this baby off her

She has to learn to take responsibility which she isn't at the moment. She can't even pay her bills on time!

Tough love.
Be there for emotional support and if she needs you but tell her she has to stand on her own feet.

Ss will be involved I assume for extra support for her. Sure start is also good for new/young mums.

But she needs to act like a mother and not a teenager. And she isn't by the sound of it so you need to change how you are with her and she needs to step up and grow up.

MissVerinder Mon 07-Jan-13 11:46:19

if the bf is a solid man and can support her well enough in all aspects, SS might give her another chance. they'll be doing parenting assessments the minute they find out she's having another baby.
you are fantastic for taking your grandson in smile

Sallyingforth Mon 07-Jan-13 11:46:46

Everyone is entitled to make one mistake, but we are supposed to learn from it and your daughter clearly hasn't.
Tell her that you will continue to look after the first child if she wishes, but she must have left home and be entirely self-supporting by a certain fixed date - four weeks before she is due. You will not be able to do anything to help her after that date.
Separately from this I would tell social services what you are doing, and the two fathers' names and contact details, so that they have her on file when they are called upon to help.
And you need to take your doctor's advice to manage the stress this has caused you.

Sallyingforth Mon 07-Jan-13 11:48:03

xpost - I see she has left home. You must make it clear she cannot move back with you.

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