To not go to hospital with husband and baby

(158 Posts)

My OH has 6 monthly check ups at a specialist hospital for a long term serious health problem. This hospital is 2hrs drive away. He wont go alone, ive always gone with him, or his mum if i cant get out of work.

We now have a 7 month old. DH think me and baby should go with him next week. Its 2hr drive there, up to 2 hr wait in busy clinic then 2 hr drive home. Im refusing to go, i dont want baby in car seat that long, and think a clinic is not the place for a baby, particularly in noro virus season. He thinks im being really selfish. Its his mums birthday so doesnt think its fair to ask her. He wont go on his own. He gave me the old "well if somethings wrong it'll be your fault" angry

AIBU?

3smellysocks Sat 05-Jan-13 10:13:51

Obviously it would be nice if you could be there but at the end of the day he is a grown man and there is now a baby in the equation. He is perfectly capable of going on his own but is being selfish in thinking of his own needs and nobody elses. It really isn't fair to have the a baby in a car seat for a total of 4 hours

RainbowsFriend Sat 05-Jan-13 10:14:35

YANBU

diddl Sat 05-Jan-13 10:15:28

Well why have you always done it until now?

I mean taking time off work for him?

But I do think he should put his baby´s health before his Mum´s bday.

And depending on the illness you should stop going.

3smellysocks Sat 05-Jan-13 10:15:52

If he decides not to go to the appointment, that's his choice. If he is poorly later, that's down to him and not you. He is responsible for his own actions.

Bogeyface Sat 05-Jan-13 10:16:45

It sounds like he has never got out of the "Mummy takes me to hospital" thing. If you have an illness like this then at some point you do have to step up and accept that having a long term health issue is YOUR issue and deal with it appropriately. It isnt healthy or acceptable to put that onto someone else so they can "look after" you.

My son has Cerebal Palsy and deals with his appointments and physio alone, he is a grown man so why shouldnt he?

YANBU, and thats not even taking in account the boredom for a 7 month old who has been stuck in a car seat for 6 hours (seriously?! Who would do that if they didnt have to?), and the fact that the OP has to take time off work.

Bogeyface Sat 05-Jan-13 10:18:53

And I agree with other posters that the "It'll be your fault" is not only ridiculous and childish but totally unacceptable. There is only one way to deal with blackmail. He is a father now and needs to put his childs needs above his own.

Mutt Sat 05-Jan-13 10:18:57

Did he go alone 6 months ago?

BarredfromhavingStella Sat 05-Jan-13 10:19:02

YANBU, he is a grown man & should be fully capable of attending these appointments by himself.

oh, must clarify he is totally fit and well at present, its just a routine check up.

LoopsInHoops Sat 05-Jan-13 10:20:55

DH is having an operation under general next week, and will be in for 2 days. This is in the city we live in. I have no intention of taking the DCs there at any point - it would be a nightmare.

OP, what if he does receive bad news? How are you going to help when you have a baby with you?

Viviennemary Sat 05-Jan-13 10:22:30

If it's a serious health issue and he always goes with somebody I can see why he doesn't want to go alone. On the face of it he does seem a bit unreasonable to want you to go. But he obviously finds the whole thing very stressful and feels he needs somebody with him. Which I think is quite understandable.

OwlCatMouse Sat 05-Jan-13 10:22:35

FGS, he's not a child. He needs to go by himself

PavlovtheCat Sat 05-Jan-13 10:24:50

oh just go with him. He is your husband, he wants your support, clearly he wants you to go. Isn't that enough? why don't you want a 7 month in a car for two hours? your LO will sleep, or listen to you and DH chitchat (my DD was in a car for 5 hours twice in 3 days every other weekend for months while I visited my sick mum). You can stop for a coffee on the way if you think it is too long, you can go for lunch on route there/back. And if your DH has news he is not expecting you can be there for him. And if it is news you are both expecting/hope for you can hug him and reassure him.

PavlovtheCat Sat 05-Jan-13 10:26:22

loops she can help morally, emotionally. A baby does not stop you hugging your husband, or holding his hand, or getting a drink and talking about it afterwards. Rather than him facing a two hour journey on his own with any bad news going around his head, on his own.

PavlovtheCat Sat 05-Jan-13 10:27:25

but, I agree with the whole 'if something is wrong it will be your fault' did he actually say that? or is that what you 'read' into his response?

AngryGnome Sat 05-Jan-13 10:29:32

I think you are being a bit harsh on the dh. I have a long term health problem and need to go to the hospital every three months. Dh always come with me. Yes, I know I could do it on my own, but actually having that emotional support there is really important to me. It is a routine appointment that i go to, but on 2 occasions i have received some bad news and it has helped that dh is there with me. Even if they are routine appointments, surely the dh is attending because he is being monitored so surely there is the potential that something could have changed and could be distressing?

What sort of clinic is it? Are there likely to be contagious people there? If not, then do you think it would be ok to take ds? Ds comes with us, but it is a spinal clonic, so no particualr risk of encountering contagious people.

Also, it seems like a long way - any chance you could make. Day of it, go for lunch there or a park or something so that ds is not in the car all day?

if he was actually unwell, needed help or was likely to get bad news i would be with him in a heartbeat, obviously. But its literally 2 hrs to clinic. sit for up to 2 hrs in a crammed waiting rm with no natural light. 2 minute hello, everything ok, take bloods, wit/h doctor. Back in car for two hours.

AngryGnome Sat 05-Jan-13 10:31:00

Oh, also wanted to say that YANBU about the 'if anything is wrong it will be your fault' comment - that's just a childish attempt at blackmail (but might suggest he is genuinely worried about going on his own?)

Mutt Sat 05-Jan-13 10:31:47

Erm...how exactly do you know everything will be ok?

Gigondas Sat 05-Jan-13 10:32:18

Yabu. I can see how it's a pita but if it is serious and he needs someone there with him then I would go. It is sometimes not just a a matter of moral support but also someone to hear what dr is saying and take note as it isn't always easy to do when you are scared or stressed. I would also imagine being a father makes the emotional stresses around having a long term health condition worse not better .

And all the judgmental types saying man up, I hope get reminded of that if and when they are ever in the position of being tired stressed and ill .

PavlovtheCat Sat 05-Jan-13 10:36:12

but it doesn't have to be back in the car for two hours does it? you can do something as a family first?

I drove both my children from Devon/Cornwall border to heathrow and back in the same day to take DH to the airport, and on the way back we stopped at a fab country house, took lunch, stayed for 3 hours before coming back. Admittedly DD was 4 at the time and remembers it now where your LO won't, but I also remember it and we had a great time.

I am not saying just because I did it you should, but if he is so clearly wanting you there, I can't see any real valid reason why not. Surely your DH wanting your support, for whatever reason is enough? The fact he is in good health and this is routine is great. And of course hopefully it stays that way, but surely support is not just through bad, but all of it?

I guess it's about different relationships and expectations, but you and your DHs expectations are so different, he is going to be more hurt if you don't go than you will if you do go it seems.

MerryChristmasEverybody Sat 05-Jan-13 10:37:18

Go with him and make a day of it. Go to a park nearby or something.

SweetTeaVodka Sat 05-Jan-13 10:37:30

For all those saying OP's DH should grow up and go on his own, sometimes it's not that easy - I suffer from depression and anxiety and am often unable to attend harmless, routine medical appointments on my own because of this - I just dissolve into panic attacks and won't actually get there.

Of course, not saying that this is necessarily the case for OP's DH, but I totally sympathise with feeling unable to face an appointment without support.

OP, I don't think a couple of two hour journeys will be too damaging for your DC - the advice about carseats is more to do with long term, habitual use, IMO, and she'll have a break out of it when you're in the hospital.

With regards to norovirus, I can't imagine the waiting room for (what I presume must be) a specialised clinic will be any more likely to contain people incubating norovirus than the supermarket or bus etc. I can't see anyone with true norovirus dragging themselves out to such a clinic either, they'd feel far too rough.

ll31 Sat 05-Jan-13 10:38:17

Think you are being a bit precious with regard to baby and unpleasantly unsupportive to husband.

CrystalEclipse Sat 05-Jan-13 10:39:38

I think some of the replies on here are horrible! It he's a good partner generally then I guess he really appreciates your support.

You've basically told him now the baby is here you are more concerned about the baby maybe catching a virus than supporting him. Most men feel a little second best when a baby comes along you've basically told him he is. I think I might have overracted a little too.

The mutual support one ought to have of another is one of the most basic principles of marriage/relationship

Those telling him to man up ought to be ashamed of themselves

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