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Husband wants a lie in while we have guests over.

(149 Posts)
Empross76 Fri 04-Jan-13 23:54:02

A friend if mine, her husband and children are popping over tomorrow morning for a cuppa, catch up and to exchange Xmas pressies for the kids. Just for an hour or so.
My husband has told me he will stay in bed and have a lie in while this happens.
He is not very sociable and never instigates social situations, although he is very witty, entertaining and fun in these situations, and has friends.
He just doesn't see why he should lose the chance for a lie in cos of 'my' visitors.
I disagree - I think if a family pops in to see us then we should host as a family. I will be beyond embarrassed having to make up a white lie about him having a headache or something to keep him in bed.
I think he's being selfish and childish. What do you think? AIBU?!!!!

Empross76 Sat 05-Jan-13 17:14:52

He's been off work for two weeks over Xmas. Had loads of lie ins, including the day before our visitors and another one tomorrow morning as his parents are staying over and always give us a lie in when they're down (we're v lucky!).
He knew I was organising to meet these friends, so just told him the one we'd arranged. I expected that he would put in an appearance, especially as my friend's husband was there.
I don't think a precious lie in is the point here.

Empross76 Sat 05-Jan-13 17:15:56

*the 'time' arranged, not the 'one'. Not sure where that came from!

mathanxiety Sat 05-Jan-13 17:27:27

I said team player. He is not one. He should be one. He is married and has a family, but he puts sleep ahead of his obligations to them.

Judgeyness aside, though, OP, is there something wrong with him do you think?
Is he depressed? He seems to need to sleep in and effectively absent himself from life unapologetically to a degree that I would think is abnormal and unhealthy.

Nothing useful to add (except that YANBU OP), but I am concerned that Pure thinks it's a Sunday, I hope they realise otherwise they might be missing their own lie in tomorrow morning confusedgrin

ilovesooty Sat 05-Jan-13 17:36:28

* he puts sleep ahead of his obligations to them*

I don't see he has any obligation to host guests who aren't his friends, whose visit wasn't planned by him, and where he wasn't specifically consulted regarding the timing and his involvement.

TheCatIsEatingIt Sat 05-Jan-13 17:41:41

We have a similar difference of opinion in our house. I think if there are visitors, both partners should be up, present and making an effort. DH doesn't - he thinks it's OK for only the one whose friend it is to be there. We agree to differ.
My friends came last night - we had a lovely meal out, and they stayed over. DH was an active part of it. This morning, I got up before friends, had a cup of tea with them and we decided to go out for breakfast. DH didn't fancy it, so stayed in bed reading his book. I think it's rude, but he doesn't, and I can't convince him otherwise. I've learnt not to get stressed over it, but I don't make excuses for him - friends didn't seem offended, and they'd soon have told me if they had been, they're that sort of friends!

Tabliope Sat 05-Jan-13 17:44:35

I do think he's rude whether they're his friends or not. If it was just the woman and the kids I think he could get away with it but with the other husband being there as well it's embarrassing for you. Saying that, I wouldn't thank anyone coming on a Saturday morning. Saturday afternoon fine.

ilovesooty Sat 05-Jan-13 17:46:29

It's only "embarrassing" for her as I see it if she chooses to be embarrassed. Why would it be more embarrassing because the other woman's husband came?

OneHandFlapping Sat 05-Jan-13 17:46:39

If it was just your friend, then he could have his lie in, but her DH is coming too, and that makes it a family event. Your DH is being rude, lazy, and is telling you that things you've organised are unimportant.

Tell him to get his arse out of bed in good time and make the coffee.

How many women would stay in bed while their DH's friend and his wife came round? You just wouldn't do it would you, because it would make you look like a rude knob.

ilovesooty Sat 05-Jan-13 17:48:48

So it's ok for her to organise a "family event" without asking him?

ilovesooty Sat 05-Jan-13 17:50:44

"How many women would stay in bed while their DH's friend and his wife came round? You just wouldn't do it would you, because *it would make you look like a rude knob*"

Perhaps that means women are more concerned with appearances, other people's expectations, etc...

Empross76 Sat 05-Jan-13 17:53:21

Gah! It wasn't that I didn't ask or not ask him - my friend and I wanted to get together over Xmas on one of the occasions they were back in town. Original meet up was cancelled due to illness, so DH knew it would be rescheduled, because we spoke about whether to post pressies on to them or not, and I told him when she said they'd be back in our town in early Jan.
So it wasn't that I went ahead and made plans without him knowing, he just didn't feel the need to join in with them. And I found that rude!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 05-Jan-13 18:15:38

It was discused with him, then when plans were finalised he was told when it would be happening. The friends had come back to the area to visit family and were making time to visit the OP too (not always easy!). The OP's DH has had loads of lie ins over the holidays and is having another tomorrow - this wasn't just her friend coming over, it was their family. The OP's DH was being really rude - both not to bother getting up when they have visitors (nothing says I don't give a fuck about you like not getting your arse out of bed) and in putting the OP in a position where she felt embarrassed. I wouldn't live with someone so selfish & self absorbed.

AgentZigZag - if you are happy being in a relationship where you each do what you want with no consideration for each other or each others feelings and you are happy with that - that's great, but not everyone feels the same way. I don't understand how when you are part of a family you can possibly just do what you want and screw everyone else?!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 05-Jan-13 18:17:56

Empross - you felt it was really rude, because it was. It put you and your friends DH in an uncomfortable position - and simply because he was acting like a fucking rooster.

Mia4 Sat 05-Jan-13 18:36:27

YANBU to not want to lie for him, so don't. Make it clear to you husband if they ask, you won't lie. If he's fine with that then you should be too. If they find it off then it's your DH they'll judge-not you.

Can't say whether YABU or not regarding socialising, as I said he may not like them, you already said he doesn't like social situations anyway and 'lie in' can be anything after 7am onwards when you have kids.

Maybe he doesn't like this couple or the husband but doesn't want to pset you since they're your friends?? I'm well aware in my circle of friends that one of the DP is not liked by any of the guys-they find it him boring, a bit of a druggy and racist- they all made excuses too at first, I'm just honest when my friend pops around and sometimes we're both there but sometimes it's just me, i never lie for him though just say he's busy-which he is whether it's working or sleeping, he's indisposed.

Or maybe he really can't be bothered, whichever way don't make up a lie.

ilovesooty Sat 05-Jan-13 18:38:50

I don't think there's any reason why she should have to lie, and it doesn't sound as though he would have expected her to.

Mia4 Sat 05-Jan-13 18:43:45

Oh and OP another note from reading the comments, if this is a pattern with your partner and there's several things he doesn't bother with or if he lets you down a lot then perhaps you need to consider the problem isn't just this one instance but many?

Only if it is a pattern which a couple of comments led me to believe.

katiecubs Sat 05-Jan-13 18:58:38

Sorry it's rude.

I also think its generally rude that he lies in so late on the weekend instead of spending the time with you and your DD. We often take turns to lie in too but more like 9/9.30 - not midday, he's not a teenager?!

AgentZigzag Sat 05-Jan-13 19:04:44

If anything Chipping, it's that we are considerate of each other.

DH knows I'm not up for that kind of shit and wouldn't even bother pressure me into doing something he knows I wouldn't want to (although there are always exceptions to the rule of course, but I can only think of one time he's done it in 13 years, and I did what he asked of me because it meant so much), and I know the type of person he is and would do the same.

I'm not a child any more and can decide for myself, if I think the family would benefit from it like going on holiday then I would put myself out for them and be uncomfortable, but that's for me to choose.

Empross76 Sat 05-Jan-13 19:39:03

Mia - yes, it's a bit of a pattern. He often does these sorts of social events after an initial digging in of heels, and ends up having a lovely time. As new to MN I thought I'd post as this is the first time this sort of situation has come up since I've been a member. And his heels stayed well and truly dug in on this occasion!

mathanxiety Sat 05-Jan-13 19:44:58

he puts sleep ahead of his obligations to them

Ilovesooty, he has done a heck of a lot of sleeping in over the last few weeks and plans on doing more in the near future, according to the OP. The last few weeks have included Christmas and New Years, and he lives in a house with his family. I am wondering if he has SAD. Or some sort of avoidant personality problem.

Empross76 Sat 05-Jan-13 19:55:15

We're both the same - could sleep for Wales. Before the kids came along it was practically our hobby. Don't mind lie ins and we share them out. But since we've had children I prefer us to have them less so we can get up early for family time. And I definitely don't think it's okay to have a lie in with friends visiting.
So re SAD or depression - I don't think so?

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Sun 06-Jan-13 01:40:03

So he's a 'goodun' as long as he's getting his own way. Great. I am fond of sleeping and my natural body clock is set to about 9.15 am, but I am perfectly capable of getting up earlier when necessary (eg every day for school). The OP states that this man, who has claimed loads of lie ins for himself over Xmas (while she gets up and feeds the DC etc) wouldn't even get up when the friends are gone, in order to go out for a family treat with his DD.

Empross: I just bet you have let it creep up on you till you are in the position where he gets first dibs on all the leisure time and he won't do anything for the benefit of you or DC if it incoveniences him in the tiniest way. He sounds as though he considers himself the most important person in the household and totally incapable of understanding that sometimes it's someone else's turn to choose what happens and have the rest of the family co-operate.

JustAHolyFool Sun 06-Jan-13 01:43:34

HollyBerryBush you are being ridiculous. I go to bed late and get up late. In my book, people who go to bed before 3AM are the bone idle ones.

OP, I honestly think you invited them, it's your friend, you know your husband isn't very sociable. I think it's fine for him to stay in bed.

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