To leave dd2 in the car outside tesco whilst i run in to buy 2 things?

(137 Posts)
Marne Thu 03-Jan-13 20:29:00

Dd2 is almost 7 and has ASD, she had been asking for a magazine all morning, its her favorite magazine and she knows what day it comes out (which was today), usually i go and buy it when she's at school or i go whilst she's at home with dh as she's not keen on supermarkets (bright lights and too busy) but dh had gone out and told me just to take her to get it.

I took both the dd's with me, dd1 is almost 8, got to Tesco's and dd2 refused to get out of the car so i parked in the p&c space right outside the front door, locked them in the car, ran in, grabbed a loaf of bread and the magazine, payed and came straight out. Dd's were fine.

Dh thinks i was wrong to leave them on their own in the car, maybe i was? but if i had tried to take dd2 out of the car she would have had a meltdown and if i turned around and went back home she would scream for the rest of the day (as she wouldn't have got her magazine).

So is dh BU or AIBU?

Goldmandra Sat 05-Jan-13 20:03:31

" i'm a bit shocked at how over careful some of you are (the coments about cars catching fire are a bit OTT), i was only gone 5 minutes max,"

It only took two minutes for my friend's car to go up in flames. Luckily on that occasion she hadn't left her baby sleeping in it. She went out as soon as the smoke was spotted coming from the wheel arch and grabbed her handbag. She didn't have time to rescue the children's car seats.

I may now be a bit paranoid. I don't know but I do know I couldn't leave younger children in a car out of my sight.

As for whether you should have left your DD without a magazine - you made the judgement based on your own circumstances and what you know your own DD can cope with. No-one else is in any position to judge.

RedHelenB Sat 05-Jan-13 12:33:29

I think letting the handbrake go or someone bashing into the car would be the scenarios I would worry about plus maybe dd2 getting it into her head to find you if something prevented you from being as quick as you planned. But it's a judgement call. FWIW I would not leave my 6 year old in the car out of my eye vision because i wouldn't be 100% that he wouldn't fiddle with things or decide to come looking for me if he felt I had been too long a time. However i would leave him with his older sisters & he does play out on the cul de sac with the front door open. At the end of the day it is parental choice & everyone has to do what they think best.

insanityscratching Sat 05-Jan-13 10:10:33

Marne I'm as hard as nails though (because I have to be) Ds is nearly 18 and a foot taller than me so I can't risk him being non compliant because that would be dangerous for me and anyone else.
Not criticising you at all because I know it's really hard but just saying what I would have done and giving you my reasons why.
FWIW the mistakes I made when ds was still tiny I still pay for to this day 15 or 16 years later so would say that if you can see yourself being unhappy at a teen doing that behaviour then do your utmost to address it whilst they are still small enough for you to impose your will.

Marne Sat 05-Jan-13 09:52:38

So what happens when your child is ill and you have to take your other child/children to school? do you not leave the sick one in the car when you run in with the other one? (i always do) or do you drag your sick child into the playground?

Dd2 often gets poorly (so poorly she can hardly stand up) so i have to leave her in the car outside school for 5 minutes when i run dd1 in, i dont have much choice as i have no one to sit with dd2 and no one to take dd1 to school.

Every day you take your child out in the car you are risking their safety, theres more chance of being in a accident than someone taking your child from the car or your car catching fire when parked.

Thank you Insanity for your coment, i understand what you are saying about making a rod for my own back by giving in and getting her the magazine but i was having a tough day, dd2 has been very anxious over christmas, she has hardly played with anything and magazines are the only thing that keeps her still for more than 5 minutes, i spend all day chasing her around, cleaning up after her and calming her down, by getting her the magazine i actually manage to sit down for 5 minutes without having to worry about what dd2 is up to. I made a choice on what was best for all of us. It was a last minute choice to take dd2 with me (as dh was ment to be home before lunch so i could go on my own), i did not have time to prepare dd2 before we went so how could i expect her to cope with being dragged into a supermarket. I should have thought about this before taking her but i didn't.

I know i posted in AIBU so i did expect these responses but i'm a bit shocked at how over careful some of you are (the coments about cars catching fire are a bit OTT), i was only gone 5 minutes max, i'm sure most people take their eyes off their kids for 5 minutes (maybe when they play in the garden or when they are in bed?).

insanityscratching Sat 05-Jan-13 09:11:42

I would have driven her home without the magazine tbh because that would have been the better learning experience even if she would have screamed. I know with my two with autism they will always push the boundaries so rewarding them for their non compliance would just escalate it next time so it's something I will always avoid. I think you may have made a rod for your own back because dd got what she wanted without having to make any effort on her part so for me YABU.

RedHelenB Sat 05-Jan-13 09:06:30

If DH doesn't feel comfortable with it maybe avoid doing it in future but if you are fine with it then that's what counts - they were in your care & as you say you know them. BTW, I am not saying anyone with autism can't be sensible but when I test my kids on situations (like letting them walk to the shops( it's the unexpected scenarios I give them that I'm most concerned about their replies!!!)

doingtwelvethingsatonce Sat 05-Jan-13 09:03:36

Well, you asked on AIBU. Some will agree with you, some won't. As soon as someone thinks you were, you go into "explain away everything" mode. Sorry, but if you have no problems with what you did then why did you even post it to begin with?? confused

You state your DH thinks YABU and shouldn't have done it. I suggest you discuss it further with him. As he is a parent to the children, he has just as much say in whether or not they are left alone in the car as you do. If HE had done something you felt was unsafe, would you want him to listen to you or a bunch of unknown people on the internet? hmm

Greensleeves Fri 04-Jan-13 22:52:59

Sorry, I know it's hard, but I wouldn't have done it. Just not worth it.

mentallyscrewed Fri 04-Jan-13 22:52:53

YANBU.
Depends on your child. I would leave my 8 year old for a few mins in the car but when my ASD 6.5 year old is 8 then I can't see it happening.

My friends often suggest that in a year I'll be able to leave my then 14 year old looking after her brothers. DS1 will be 9, DS2 7.5. I could easily trust her with DS1 but not DS2.

Depends on your situation and your children.

neveronamonday Fri 04-Jan-13 22:48:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth Fri 04-Jan-13 22:44:17

I think at those ages it is fine.

I leave DS1 in the car (or sometimes at home! shock) for short periods of time now (he is 8).

He loathes shopping and I can't see any reason to subject him to it. He isn't any safer with me than without me, he is 8 and walks to school by himself (has for more than a year now), goes to soccer practice by himself most kids here do this stuff at this age. Thank God we haven't quite reached UK cotton wool standards just yet.

Now DS2 there is no chance (he is 2.5) because he doesn't have the problem solving ability, fine motor skills etc that his big brother does. I also wouldn't leave DS2 in DS1's care because while DS1 can certainly take care of himself. I don't think it is fair to put DS2's safety on him - would your DD2 have needed DD1's help if 'something' happened?

From what you have described you made the right call. The risk/reward ratio would have made me do exactly the same.

SarahWarahWoo Fri 04-Jan-13 22:30:33

Asked DH, he said if we were in same situation he would be happy for me to leave DD in car or he would bring home required item and we could make a big thing of Daddy fetching it for her x

float62 Fri 04-Jan-13 22:14:56

YANBU at all. You have to do what you have to do to get things done, you know your dc. As one of the early posters said, the biggest problem is how others perceive things, and then cast judgement, which is a greater risk than the one you actually took.

Marne Fri 04-Jan-13 21:24:34

And i do cope with her meltdowns as does dd1 (we do it every day) but we also try and avoid them happening in the first place, she was more likely to hurt herself if i removed her from the car (plus i would have to deal with people looking and judging as she chucks herself on the ground). My dd2 does not get violent when having a meltdown so would not hurt dd1, dd1 knows how to calm dd2 down (as its a daily thing in our house), dd1 has Autism too but she's very mature for her age and very sensible (having autism does not make someone any less sensible). I was gone for 5 minutes, i could almost see the car from the magazine section, dd2 could not get out of her car seat let alone out of the car and even if she could she would not have had to walk infront of any traffic to find me (not as though i was thinking about that at the time as i knew she would not get out anyway, why would she get out when she is petrified of going in to a shop?).

Dh should have offered to get the magazine but he was out with our next door neighbour and dh was not driving (so could hardly tell him to pull over to get a magazine), they were working and in a hury to get home.

Dd2 has high functioning Autism, her understanding is not as good as a nt 7 year old but she's not stupid and if i tell her 'to stay still, mummy will be back soon' then she will.

Marne Fri 04-Jan-13 21:13:20

Sorry Red (my mistake), dd1 is almost 9.

RyleDup Fri 04-Jan-13 20:02:00

I've read the thread expecting to see the legal situation being explained. I was recently told that sleeping babes should be removed from the car while paying for petrol at a petrol station. Which I was surprised at as they're usually in plain sight but maybe it's the fact that petrol is flammable... I dunno. It'd be good to know the truth i.e. is officially ok or not? Surely some HV / SW type folk have read the thread?

Sorry pressed send before answering. Re the petrol station there is no set legal guideline. Its more about weighing up risk, ensuring your child is as safe from external risks as much as possible and using common sense. It would generally considered to be acceptable to leave a child in a locked car, at a petrol station while you go in and pay whilst watching from the window. It could also be argued that the risk of getting hit by a car on the forecourt is far more likely than the car catching fire. Neither is impossible however.

RyleDup Fri 04-Jan-13 19:58:02

I've read the thread expecting to see the legal situation being explained. I was recently told that sleeping babes should be removed from the car while paying for petrol at a petrol station. Which I was surprised at as they're usually in plain sight but maybe it's the fact that petrol is flammable... I dunno. It'd be good to know the truth i.e. is officially ok or not? Surely some HV / SW type folk have read the thread?

DeafLeopard Fri 04-Jan-13 19:47:07

Some 8yos are walking to / from school on their own round here, so sitting in a car with a younger sibling for two minutes seems very reasonable IMO.

Marne you know your DDs best, and how ASD manifests it in your DD so I think you have nothing to feel bad about.

Your DH however should not have put you in that position.

RedHelenB Fri 04-Jan-13 19:37:37

You wrote dd1 was almost 8 & dd2 was almost 7 so that makes a 1 year asge gap by my reckoning/

RedHelenB Fri 04-Jan-13 19:35:27

You couldn't cope with a possible meltdown so how on earth would you expect your 8 year old daughter to? That's the point I was trying to make.

orchidee Fri 04-Jan-13 19:23:51

And I'm with the others- did your DH not offer to get it while he was out anyway?

orchidee Fri 04-Jan-13 19:22:59

Could you clarify their ages? Your OP suggested 6 and 7 but your last post said there's a 2 year gap.

I've read the thread expecting to see the legal situation being explained. I was recently told that sleeping babes should be removed from the car while paying for petrol at a petrol station. Which I was surprised at as they're usually in plain sight but maybe it's the fact that petrol is flammable... I dunno. It'd be good to know the truth i.e. is officially ok or not? Surely some HV / SW type folk have read the thread?

yfuwchhapus Fri 04-Jan-13 19:20:32

Autism=isn't sensible........Shaking my head in disbelief!shock

rhondajean Fri 04-Jan-13 19:19:36

YANBU but I wouldn't have been getting her the magazine if she had been kicking off a bit, so for that, YAbu grin

sunnyday123 Fri 04-Jan-13 19:14:27

I wouldn't do it - but only because I'm a worrier! It's likely fine though!

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