Trying not to hate parents

(70 Posts)
Babybirdz Sun 30-Dec-12 23:22:02

Well , my mother has just been over and as usual been complaining that I don't go and visit her or my dad who live 10 minutes away. I don't go for several reasons

* my sister in law who lives them will not speak to me properly, make eye contact and there Is an awful atmosphere whenever I go.( my DB told me that when he got married that she disliked me. ( she doesn't even know me )My parents were aware of this years ago but ensured the subject was never raised with her so as not to create tension!!

* my mother is a very highly critical person. Nothing I ever did when I was younger was ever good enough, not the housework, not the ironing,the cooking etc

* I have suffered from depression and an eating disorder during my teenage years and my mum knew but never did anything to help me. I know this because I was drying the dishes once and she said she new I always went upstairs after a meal to vommit.

*my parents were both physically violent towards me when I was younger and I can't bear for my Dd to go and see them, they criticise her, for running in the house when she is an active girl, when she makes a mess( plays toys on the sitting room floor)

I am 30 in stable happy marriage. I am of Asian origin hence my family telling me to be less selfish and visit them every day. Family unit is extremely important to them.

butterflyexperience Sun 30-Dec-12 23:24:10

Ignore them
Live your life for you and your own family

FelicityWasSanta Sun 30-Dec-12 23:25:09

Don't hate. Detach.

You are happy, you have your own family. Nod and smile at them, inside detach.

Failing that, have a serious talk with DH about moving (about 300 miles should do it!).

peaceandlovebunny Sun 30-Dec-12 23:25:45

i know 'how it looks to the neighbours' will be important too, as well as not saying uff to your parents. but you have to protect yourself.

currently i'm waiting for another course of counselling - i want to talk about trying not to hate my parents! but tbh, they deserve it. i have sympathy for them as human beings but as my mum and dad they had significant faults!

you could get counselling through the gp. it sometimes helps.

YANBU, they are unlikely to change. Your DD needs to see you being strong and that includes being able to ignore that kind of complaint.

Aspiemum2 Sun 30-Dec-12 23:28:10

Well you have 2 choices - try to please them knowing full well that nothing you do will ever be good enough and they will make you feel like shit on a regular basis.

Or, keep them at arms length. Don't cut them off exactly but just don't invest your time and energy into a relationship with them.

The latter will most likely make you the happiest.

If family is so important to them maybe they should treat you better.

Babybirdz Sun 30-Dec-12 23:43:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babybirdz Sun 30-Dec-12 23:48:09

My parents call me every single day starting with the questions " so your still here then". I'm not exaggerating, it's their sarcasm that I don't go over. In my culture it's very frowned upon to disrespect your parents so I can't tell them what they have put me through, which is why I don't want to see them again.I have to remain in day to day contact with them. Dp has made me go over at times and I've got palpitations when standing outside their door. He has said that I don't know what real stress is.

peaceandlovebunny Sun 30-Dec-12 23:51:47

ongoing counselling can help you cope day to day.
i don't have any answers really but i wish you well. i know how it feels.

MatureUniStudent Sun 30-Dec-12 23:59:32

Sounds dire. I'd hate that pressure being put on me too. I'd worry about them doing the same to your DD as they did to you. Sad that your DP isn't supportive, but I wonder if he is affected by your family culture.

You need to stand up to them, and it is clear you have worked that out yourself, so go out during the day. Enjoy your life, go to a play group, meet friends for coffee, shop with your DD during the day - don't be available to them. They are going to be critical whatever you do. Also, my dear mum is able to chat for England. So my DB said to get a phone with number screening, so I screen her phone calls and only answer if I want to. (there has never been a problem, she just likes to chat. A lot. She rings my mobile if she has a real issue and I'd answer that). That way, whilst I still feel pressured at her phoning, I can breathe deeply and ignore. Could you do that?

Dromedary Mon 31-Dec-12 00:13:08

If you don't go and see them they will come to you. Maybe you could agree with your DP 2 regular times a week when you visit your parents together. You then explain to your parents that you have a lot of commitments, but will always make sure that you visit them on those 2 days. Your DP will be there to provide some support. Perhaps they will then get used to that and leave you alone the rest of the time? Also great idea to screen phone calls. Long term, I would think about relocating.

Babybirdz Mon 31-Dec-12 00:16:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babybirdz Mon 31-Dec-12 00:21:07

Dromedary- that's what's been happening. They come over now at least twice a week.
I ended up getting diagnosed with Ibs this year and was told it can be stress related. Even going over twice a week is too much to bear. Do u think I'm being dramatic but even when they've called me, my heart rate is up and after they have visited? The thought of visiting gets me anxious too. I wish I could switch of these emotions. I've not been living with them for 6 years so it's not as though I've just moved out. Think I need a good old slap with a wet fish!

Dromedary Mon 31-Dec-12 00:35:28

OP, I can understand how stressful you find it. Until you can move out of the area, I think you have 2 basic choices:
1) You break contact. Is that what you want to do? Would that lead to worse repercussions|?
2) You try to take control of the situation. If you visit them at fixed times, it will still be stressful, but at least you can prepare for it, and have your DP with you. If you continue as you are at the moment, your parents are liable to drop in to see you without warning, which may be even more stressful, and they will continue to complain about you not visiting them.
But seriously, if you don't want to fall out with them completely, and are finding the situation so stressful, I would be preparing to move some distance away - eg encouraging your DP to start job hunting. You can then reduce visits to very occasional weekends (unpleasant weekends, but one offs), and your parents should be less unhappy with your not visiting often.

Damash12 Mon 31-Dec-12 06:38:38

Completely and utterly ignore them. The stress and damage to you is not worth it. Be happy with what you have and don't let anyone make you feel like they have. Had exactly the same withy mother in the past. Good luck and happy 2013!

gimmecakeandcandy Mon 31-Dec-12 08:18:12

You are not a wet fish, I completely get the culture thing - your dh needs to stop being so dismissive too. I imagine he is from the same culture as you? He should be more sympathetic. You need to get some therapy to learn coping and 'block' mechanisms. It is hard but you need to learn to let their gripes and moans wash over you. Remember - they have NO power over you any more. None. I would seriously think about moving too but if this isn't an option, you need help to harden up and cope with them. You need to get to a stage where their critiscm and shit bounces off you. They cannot hurt you - don't let them grind you down. X

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 31-Dec-12 08:30:58

Put yourself (and your DD) first. I know this is difficult and goes against everything you've been taught growing up. But if you are having palpitations at the thought of visiting them, then this IS something that is severely damaging to you, and you have a duty to protect yourself. After all, no-one else will - and certainly not callous people who have a history of disregard for your emotional wellbeing.

It does sound like the ideal for you will be to detach from them emotionally: that way you won't hate them, nor will you be affected by the things they say to you. However, this will be VERY hard to achieve if you are in such frequent contact with them (I have only been able to achieve detachment from my parents by being completely without contact for close to a year...). But it still may be doable.

I recommend you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, and any of the other resources listed at the top of the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board here on Mumsnet.

Good luck.

TheFallenNinja Mon 31-Dec-12 08:40:24

Parents are a pain in the arse. Treat them like any other adult, if they piss you off stand up to them.

TheFallenNinja Mon 31-Dec-12 08:43:17

Parents are a pain in the arse. Treat them like any other adult, if they piss you off stand up to them.

Babybirdz Mon 31-Dec-12 09:23:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jamillalliamilli Mon 31-Dec-12 09:25:58

I know someone further down the path from you from a ‘high achieving’ Asian culture that has been criticised, scorned, demeaned, and pursued to remain taking it, her whole life.
Nothing she could do was good enough and in her mother’s eyes she owed her existence, and was property.

She took over ‘ownership’ of the English husband in the end too, as he was amenable to becoming golden boy. This is not only the view of her daughter, I’ve witnessed it repeatedly.

She probably didn't mean to be like this to her children, but she is, and culture reinforces the right to behave as she wishes to the ‘ungrateful daughter,’ No attempt to teach her to treat people differently worked.
Control is everything, and you cannot exert control if you don’t have constant contact.

But for those raised with all this surrounded by a different culture full of possibilities and choices, it is torture.

With my friend it’s turned out very badly for all, and if you’re suffering to the level they were then I think it should be taken very seriously.
People here don’t always understand how accidently full on abusive some cultural norms are, that even thoughts or possible thoughts are controlled, and if the lethal combination of ‘culture and mother’ wasn't involved would be shouting at you to get out.

You’re not a wet fish, you've been conditioned to act a certain way. You don’t wish your DD to be affected, listen to yourself, you are trying to split yourself into parcels to please and protect. In the end you will realise you can’t do that for ever, your personality will shatter trying, better to realise it earlier.

I wonder if there’s a culturally based self-help group for those raised with your cultural pressures here?

Jamillalliamilli Mon 31-Dec-12 09:30:36

You may be surprised to find how many from your and other cultures, are quietly doing what is 'not done.'

HisstletoeAndWhine Mon 31-Dec-12 09:43:18

I'm horrified OP, these people have harmed you, for years, they've threatened your life, and routinely verbally abuse you.

For the sake of your own health, you need to get as much distance as possible from them.

You are being abused. Seriously. They've threatened to kill you in the past, on multiple occasions.

Can Karma Nirvana help? They would have experience and insight. On phone, so attempt to get the like has failed.

Please don't let them do this to you, please get away? The law of the land, AND humanity is on your side.

HisstletoeAndWhine Mon 31-Dec-12 09:49:56

Oh, and in situations such as this, it's a natural instinct to hate people like this. You have to allow your feelings, so that you can process them, understand them and then let them go.

The anger/hatred if not allowed to be expressed will only turn inwards, it will fuel depression, and potentially cause a very much loved wife and mother to lose the battle. So they'd literally get away with murder then, wouldn't they?

No 'parent' is worth this agony, go public, tell everyone what they do and say, stop covering up their crimes.

Could you ever do what they do to you, to your child?

No, of course you wouldn't/couldn't. You're right, and they are wrong. They have NO right to treat you, or your family, like this.

Get angry, hate them, embrace the feelings you have, you need to, then they will become more manageable over time.

Megatron Mon 31-Dec-12 09:51:59

I really feel for you what a terrible situation. sad If you really feel that you have to still have some contact with them you need to be able to detach emotionally from them and their comments. One thing that really strikes me from your posts is that you are so obviously NOTHING like these people, you sound lovely and that you are giving your daughter the kind of childhood that you so clearly never had the benefit of. Live your life happily with your DH and your daughter and do NOT let these people ruin your life.

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