Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.

AIBU to want to have 'private areas' in my own home?

(63 Posts)
TrustMeImANinja Thu 29-Nov-12 10:36:22

I genuinely do not knkw if IABU and Im shocked how strongly I felt about this.

We recently lost a bottle of full Calpol, not being something we want misplaced we were trawling the house for it. DH went up stairs and I can hear him going through my underwear drawer (our baby likes to open drawers and put items in). A cross feeling shot through me, I dont want him going through my underwear drawer! Theres nothing to hide, knickers, an old photo of him, a scan pick, some condoms in an unopened box. None of which I mind him knowing about. Just that I fucking hated him rustling through my privare drawer. I feel the same with my handbag. If hate for anyone to rifle through that either.

Am I being ridiculous? I fear I am.

I have been with him for many years, nearly more than half my life but this still pissed me off.

I didnt say anything but I wanted to scream "STOP GOING THROUGH MY DRAWER!"

AIBU? After all these years and all these kids do I have to accept that private areas are now free for all?

YANBU - it is a matter of common courtesy. I wouldn't so much mind DH rummaging round my underwear drawer (not that he would) but he wouldnt go through my handbag, I would for some reason compare that to opening my post....a big no no.

It's all about personal space and mutual respect I think.

Iactuallydothinkso Thu 29-Nov-12 10:41:33

You are and you aren't I think! It's not reasonable to be cross when he's trying to find something like medicines that have gone missing but it is also not unreasonable to want privacy either.

What would you have preferred had happened? Should he have said "can you go through your drawers?" or "can I?" I don't know. Whatever would work for you both I guess but try to find out what would work for you both.

We have a lot of privacy in this house. We even have a room where only me and dh go, (it's just the study downstairs! Not like a sex dungeon or anything!) and to be honest, he spends more time in there than me but I will take a book in there sometimes. It's not weird to want privacy.

valiumredhead Thu 29-Nov-12 10:41:49

We all have private areas in this house, dh wouldn't dream of going through my drawers but he would ask me to look in them if something was lost. Both dh and ds would never rummage through my bag either without permission.

TheProvincialLady Thu 29-Nov-12 10:44:36

Underwear drawer riffling wouldn't bother me (as long as it was only DH!) but the question is - did your husband know that you consider this drawer private? If so, he was out of order. If not, well he's not psychic so maybe you should tell him.

MolotovCocktail Thu 29-Nov-12 10:44:46

You aren't being unreasonable: maybe a bit OTT.

It's understandable to want to keep somethings neatly packed away; pretty knickers folded nicely in your drawer; objects that belong only to you in their orderly space without big (or tiny) hands grabbing at them and mucking them up ...

But that's family life, isn't it? Sometimes we don't have it our way and the ones we live with don't always know why things they do irritate us beyond belief.

Is it worth turning it into a big issue?

gloomywinters2 Thu 29-Nov-12 10:45:36

well everybody like,s there private space ive got a thing about not letting anybody touch my brand new shiny magazine as i don,t like anybody ruining the pages<quiteannoying> i woulden,t like my partner going in my knicker draw has i have very LARGE pants.shock

MolotovCocktail Thu 29-Nov-12 10:46:27

Sorry, in view of the that fact that your DH was trying to find medicine.

noisytoys Thu 29-Nov-12 10:48:02

I have my own bag, purse, post, laptop and phone. I'm not secretive, I just like my own space. Before DD came along I had my own room (not to sleep in, just to have some space)

YANBU

My Dh knows how much I hate him looking in my bag. he doesnt do it anymore

so YANBU

LaQueen Thu 29-Nov-12 10:53:05

I hate that other people (even DH and the DDs to some extent) can see what I have on that week, in the pages of my big, Organised Mum diary that I leave open on the kitchen island.

There's nothing remotely exciting in there e.g. DD1 Netball Tournament 4-5.30pm...Friday - ring garage re: car...Saturday - Window cleaner/school shoes/buy raffle pressie...

But I hate that anyone can glance at it and remark 'Oh, is DD1 playing in a netball tournament tomorrow?' Irrational, I know...

And, don't even get me started on other people reading your birthday/Christmas cards...(yes, I'm looking at you Mum...)

TrustMeImANinja Thu 29-Nov-12 10:53:24

I dont think he knew it was out of bounds, no. But I dont think Id ever thought about it before either. I assumed he knew it wasnt a place he should rifle through.

I want to say something, along the lines of 'Could you ask me to check there next time.' But I wasnt sure if I was being a prat.

TrustMeImANinja Thu 29-Nov-12 10:55:39

"Is it worth turning it into a big issue"

Ive not turned it into any issue at all, and I never intended to.

I may have cyber 'grrrd' on MN but what else is MN for? I think you were being OTT in your response.

TrustMeImANinja Thu 29-Nov-12 10:57:30

LaQueen yes friends and family who look at my calander at all we have going on. I hate that too.
But mine is hanging on the cork board for all and sundary to see so I cant say anything.

ipswichwitch Thu 29-Nov-12 10:57:33

I don't think you are being u, although I personally don't have any problem with it. DH refuses to go in my bag or anything even when I specifically ask him to. Even when I was ill in hospital he insisted on bringing my bag into the toilet for me to get a pad out instead of slipping it under the door for me! I just can't fathom how he'd rather see me sat on the pot than have a quick rummage in the outside pocket of my bag

DeafLeopard Thu 29-Nov-12 10:58:10

Wouldn't bother me that it was DH doing it - particularly in those circumstances, after all he often puts washing away in my knicker drawer.

But a bit like LaQueen, we have a big week planner board in the kitchen, primarily because DS has ASD so needs organising and needs to know what is happening or gets stressed. One friend without fail comes in and reads and comments on what we are doing. I have taken to making outrageous stuff up to write on just before she comes

LaQueen Thu 29-Nov-12 10:59:56

My Oraginsed Mum diary is my life and I can't fucntion without it. And, to keep putting it away and taking it out would be a hassle...

I just don't want people to read it angry

Ephiny Thu 29-Nov-12 11:00:37

Your reaction seems a little bit strong, especially given that he was looking for medicine, not just having a nose about. But generally YANBU. I think in a marriage you can and should still respect each other's privacy and space.

Personally I wouldn't be bothered about the underwear drawer. But would not expect DH to go through my bag, or my filed paperwork, or my phone/computer, or read my post/email, unless I'd specifically asked him to.

nokidshere Thu 29-Nov-12 11:02:47

I hate dh rummaging through my desk - it drives me nuts. He always says - but it's such a mess - but its MY mess and I want and like it! It doesn't encroach on anyone elses space. I also hate anyone going in my bag but they wouldn;t dare so its not an issue lol

MolotovCocktail Thu 29-Nov-12 11:08:51

I know that you hadn't turned it into an issue in RL yet. I was posing the question to you as to whether it would be worth doing so.

And yeah, I think you would be a prat to ask him to get your permission next time.

FFS, I was only trying to help!

My ex used to go through my handbags and open my post, I hated it so much.

I had no privacy at all, and now when dd does it I find it really upsetting.

financialwizard Thu 29-Nov-12 11:16:36

I have no dramas with anyone in my house seeing anything that I own but I absolutely hate anyone going through my hand bag or my purse or my draws. If I want something from there I will get it.

Post wise my husband and I both open each others post unless it is his private account or my private account. This is because everything else is practically joint.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 29-Nov-12 11:16:38

Like you OP I wouldn't like it. I would have been a bit shocked that he'd think it was ok to stick his big hands in it and rummage around. I would have told him there and then in a jokey way to get the hell out of my underwear drawer.

If I found him riffling through my handbag I'd be tempted to cut them off.

honeytea Thu 29-Nov-12 11:21:34

I think YABU. Does he not sometimes do the washing and put your knickers/bras away in the underwear draw?

forevergreek Thu 29-Nov-12 11:36:35

Wouldn't bother me at all so yabu. I am not sentimental or particularly private. It wouldn't cross my mind for dh to not look in my drawers or bag if looking for something.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now