to wonder what the fuck i am supposed to do

(148 Posts)
orangeflute Sat 24-Nov-12 11:46:53

Oh just rang me from work to say he has to work next weekend, which would be fine IF we weren't moving house. I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do.AIBU?

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 24-Nov-12 23:03:33

Glad you got a rest OP.
It's weird, and maybe paranoid, but the whole time I was doing chores etc after I read this thread I was thinking that the situation you describe sounds like an attempt to abdicate responsibility completely: Maybe not because of work, but because of OH wanting to remove himself?

The thing about men (yes I am generalising-sue me) is that when they want out, they often do it in quite extreme and odd ways. Like when you hear of men nipping out for a paper never to be seen again, or jumping out of windows with their kids. They don't talk, they just crack up.

I think a frank and honest talk is definitely on the cards. Something is very not right, imo.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Sat 24-Nov-12 23:12:56

I don't think this is a LTB thing tbh. Yes, the move is untenable without his help. But Retail managers are often cunts, telling you that you will get the sack if you don't do X,Y & Z.

If he is breaking down because of stress at work, I doubt you having a break is going to help him to get his act together.

IMO, putting the house move to one side for a moment, you NEED to talk to your OH. PROPERLY talk. You need to ask him why he was in tears on the phone. You need to find out what his work is telling him. You need to help him find a new job.

It's shit that your Ex is being more help than your OH with the house move, I get that, but it sounds to me like your OH is feeling pulled in all directions, feeling like he tries his hardest at work, tries his hardest at home, but he probably feels like he is doing a crap job at both.

What he needs to realise is that there are only EVER 24 hours in a day, some of which HAVE to be taken up with sleeping. If the majority of the others are spent at work, doing unpaid overtime as well as his usual hours, then his work-home balance is off.

It can be hard to see that when you are being pulled in all directions, and I've found retail to be particularly bad for it. Thinks back to my 60hr/wk nightshifts when I was only meant to be doing 22.5hrs/wk...

TALK to him. He can a) Pull a sickie using your D&V as an excuse. Though he may still be pressured into going into work... b) Tell his boss that he IS taking his planned time off, and he can't be sacked for that, and if he is, then he'll have no issue with going to a tribunal. c) Realise that this might actually be the thing you leave him over!

I can fully understand why you are wobbling at the thought of moving by yourself. My answer is DON'T DO IT.

cumfy Sat 24-Nov-12 23:16:08

What employer is not going to be flexible over house move ?

Is DP ok ?
He sounds depressed.

oddslippers Sat 24-Nov-12 23:21:07

I completely agree with couthy. As mentioned previously my DH did the same jobs as your oh. Retail puts so much pressure on with very little thanks. My DH left me in hospital after I had passed out when 32 weeks pregnant because he had to get back to work as he was under so much pressure. I honestly nearly left him then but 9 years down the line and a new job he is a changed man, it really was just the pressure from the lovely hmm company he worked for. However if you have other issues that you haven't shared then only you can make the decision that is right for you.

tisnottheseasonyet Sat 24-Nov-12 23:35:05

So he breaks down in tears over the stress at work and all you can do is plot to kick him out? What a lovely supportive partner you sound.

And IfNotNowThenWhen, you really shouldn't be spouting bullshit false legal advice on forums. Not coming in to work when instructed to could very easily amount to gross misconduct, and many employment tribunals would uphold that. Any employer is going to see through an employee "just happening to fall sick" on the day they were desperate to have off.

tisnottheseasonyet Sat 24-Nov-12 23:37:03

Ifnotnowthenwhen, your amateur psychology is almost as useful as your amateur legal opinion.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 24-Nov-12 23:52:10

??? It was my understanding that OP's husband had already booked the day off. I don't think I was suggesting that he go AWOL ffs.

It's hardly "legal advice" to point out that when an employee has booked time off to move house they can't be sacked for going ahead with this.

And my opinion is my opinion, not amateur psychology.

I dont know what you are so angry about tisnottheseason but don't take it out on me by wilfully misunderstanding what I am saying.

tisnottheseasonyet Sun 25-Nov-12 00:02:32

That as may be, and his employer may be a total tosser, but they're till legally able to cancel his leave and his failure to show up would be just as awol as someone who had never had it approved initially. Advising OP to ignore that little legal detail is downright dangerous, and of no help to a man who has broke down in tears over his work situation.

tisnottheseasonyet Sun 25-Nov-12 00:02:55

still legally able

brdgrl Sun 25-Nov-12 00:12:14

tisnot, are you the husband?

tisnottheseasonyet Sun 25-Nov-12 00:15:12

Nope, but if I was I would ltb.

DayShiftDoris Sun 25-Nov-12 01:38:19

Well I moved house as a single parent with no removal firm

It was flipping hideous - please abuse his credit card and get someone in.

I had help, really good help and it was still hideous... and someone looked after my son for me too...

Bollocks that you can do it alone... You wouldn't even be able to move most of the furniture!!!

DayShiftDoris Sun 25-Nov-12 01:41:06

Oh bugger on phone and thought I had read the whole thread (of 2 pages) - evidentially not! Sorry!

CordeliaChase Sun 25-Nov-12 02:14:20

I had to tie all loose ends up when DH moved to Canada. I had to pack everything up, clear everything out and get the placed cleaned up whilst working full time and had our DS to looks after (18mo at the time). I then flew out to Canada to join him. It can be done, just lots of organisation wink

orangeflute Sun 25-Nov-12 03:28:53

Tisnot - how supportive should I be? My son was in hospital a month ago. Where was I? At home looking after the little ones. Where was Oh???
At work.
The list goes on but I won't as I'm not here to paint a poor me picture.

whoneedssleepanyway Sun 25-Nov-12 06:37:52

OP surely you are moving on Friday (you can't complete on a sale and purchase at weekend) so why can't you DH have Friday off and still work weekend as planned you can leave unpacking till the following week.

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 25-Nov-12 06:45:26

Orange - it sounds like you're having a dreadful time.

When we moved house nearly 2 years ago - I had people come and pack us up, move us etc as knew my DH would be working and that was still bloody stressful as was looking after 3 small children as well.

I hope you get to have a good conversation with your DH as sounds like you're both under a serious amount of pressure.

kelpeed Sun 25-Nov-12 07:23:53

What about the union <not in the retail sector so dont't know which one would be approached for advice>

They ought to be able to help with managing work-life balance, yes? at least to help set up future requests for rostering so this sort of powerplays are less likely.

kelpeed Sun 25-Nov-12 07:30:52

ps if no union, welcome to China

DontmindifIdo Sun 25-Nov-12 08:33:56

Instead of crying to you, her should cry to his GP and be signed off with stress for a few weeks. It would be very hard for them to fire him when he was off work with stress. It might just be the breathing space away from them to clear his head and see what he's facing losing.

Men are often very bad at saying they need help, but that just means they put up with a bad situation for longer than they should. With 5 DCs to support he might not be able to see past what a horror it would be to lose his job.

Look at every option, if he was fired, how bad would it be? What would be your situation with benefit entitlement plus maintenance from your ex? how long could you last before he'd need to get another job? Could you say "OK, we could cope with you being out of work for 6 months running down our savings, do you think you could get another job in that time?"

Would you be prepared to go back to work so that he could take a lower paid job/reduced hours.

Has he tried looking for a new job?

Don't throw him out without sitting down now (not after the move, do it today) and working out what's possible and what options you have. Putting up with a shit situation is rarely the only option. If he is suffering from stress, he probably can't see his other options. Help him do that, not just tell him what he has to do.

theoriginalandbestrookie Sun 25-Nov-12 08:41:40

Not strictly relevant but I'd like to find out which companies give their employees a bonus day off for house moves and work for them please

Ruprekt Sun 25-Nov-12 08:59:59

Schools let teachers take days off for house moves.

I think you should talk to DH about why he cried on the phone. It sounds like he is under enormous stress.

and it is all very well saying Abuse the CC but that will need paying back and if you have a large family then that is not always easy!

SoupDragon Sun 25-Nov-12 09:20:54

Which do you need the most: help with the move or your OH to have a job?

It sounds like he is under a lot of pressure to work and I imagine the implication is that he cant say no or he will be out of a job.

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