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To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

(659 Posts)
AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 23-Nov-12 21:07:25

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

ShiftyFades Thu 24-Jan-13 21:02:06

Just want to add my support. That made me shed a tear, your DS shouldn't be asking if he's loved because his Nanna is a witch sad
How awful for your younger brother, I hope he stands his ground so you at least have some family to turn to.

Your children, all of them, are so lucky to have you, you are a wonderful mum to them all xxx

KitchenandJumble Thu 24-Jan-13 20:23:38

I have followed your story from the beginning. I don't think I posted earlier, and I have nothing particularly useful to add. But I just wanted to say how much I admire the way you are coping with this dreadful situation. Your mother and elder brother should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

All four of your children are truly blessed to have you and your DH as parents. And your children are lucky to have each other. How lovely that your younger brother is supportive too. You sound like such a lovely family.

Please don't let your toxic relatives hurt you. I know, it's much easier said than done. But the loss is entirely theirs, and they have no one to blame but themselves. You are well rid of such vile people.

I am in floods thinking of a little boy asking his parents if they still love him. Oh god. sad OP you are a wonderful mum; he's so lucky to have you. It sounds like he knows it too.

I have no contact with my father and his family anymore. His wife is an absolute horror who used to physically recoil if someone asked if DSis and I were her daughters (she and my father have a daughter together). It was horrible growing up knowing you were an inconvenience to half of your family.

I hope things settle down soon.

Hegsy Thu 24-Jan-13 20:13:33

Your poor ds sad you are coping so well with all this. Agree with those saying keep a log of your mothers behaviour and see about a restraining order. I mean driving past screaming abuse is just so classy hmm

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 24-Jan-13 20:03:09

Poor little boy. Thank god he has you. I can't imagine why anyone would behave that way. I'm disgusted at their behaviour.

DPotter England Thu 24-Jan-13 19:22:40

Aname - things don't seem to be settling down. Is there anyone who could act as an intermediary for you to help your mother see some reason and back off. It looks as if she's got the bit between her teeth and is attacking on all fronts. I don't know the procedures involved but is there anyone at the agency / social services dept who helped with the adoption who could approach her. or if that's too inflamatory an old family friend ?

pigletmania Thu 24-Jan-13 19:17:47

From your mum

pigletmania Thu 24-Jan-13 19:17:03

Goodness Aname she is just so vile and nasty. My mum can be very toxic in so much that sheis very self centred, and says nasty or unpleasent things to family members but hates it if you give her home truths. I read her this thread and even she was shiked and disgusted with your mums begohaviour. She said your ds shoud get more presents and be given lots of love

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Thu 24-Jan-13 18:43:14

It is heart breaking when he asks if we still love him. sad
My mum has started being vile to my younger brother now too because he is 'on our side'. It is all just a mess and I feel bad for our DCs and my brothers family who are being dragged futher into this.

MrsCR Wed 23-Jan-13 11:10:29

your DM has dug herself a huge hole, and looks like your DB has inherited too many of her traits!

Hang in there, you're absolutely in the right and have behaved in an exemplary fashion. Head up and be the bigger person

give all your DCs a hug from me!

fourfingerkitkat Wed 23-Jan-13 09:14:08

Can't believe I've missed this thread before. I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said except I wish you and your lovely family all the best for the future. You're wee boy is lucky to have you all and by the sounds of it you know you're lucky to have him too. To hell with everyone else and what they may think x

Squitten Wed 23-Jan-13 08:40:12

Just remember that she's prodding you. She's escalating it so that you will break the wall and get back in touch - any attention is better than none.

Continue to ignore and concentrate on your lovely DC

pigletmania Wed 23-Jan-13 08:24:56

She deserves to go on the Jeremy vile show and be ripped apart by him

pigletmania Wed 23-Jan-13 07:59:24

I know blathers kite that is just so sad. And she just does not get it. Because she is a nasty vicious woman. I just cannot let this thread go. Yes I would let her meet up with her grandkids with your supervision and watch her squirm when they show her up and ask her difficult questions

Blatherskite Tue 22-Jan-13 22:29:40

I feel a bit tearful at the "He has asked if we still love him" bit.

I remember how awful it was to wonder sad

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 22-Jan-13 22:15:12

I wait for the day you tell us that your DD has seen your poor excuse for a mother and shows her up publicly, i tell you, your DS struck gold, being adopted by you and having siblings who adore him, keep giving him the love and hes gonna grow to a happy adult.

pigletmania Tue 22-Jan-13 22:08:47

i dont think your children would like to see someone who is nasty and wicked to their brother

pigletmania Tue 22-Jan-13 22:06:48

oh aname your poor poor ds sad how can anyone be so wicked. i bet that her vile toxic behaviour cements the actions you are taking. how can anyone do that to a little child, what has he done to her

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Tue 22-Jan-13 21:27:24

We are planning family holidays this year one with the 6 of us at easter and one with my youngest DBs family on the summer holidays.
We are all planning the easter holiday together to give them something to look forward too.

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Tue 22-Jan-13 21:19:57

She tells people I am a horrible mother because I treat my children differently because I have banned her from seeing them 'for no reason' and I am harming her health and the well-being of 'HER' DGC because they can't see their nanna anymore.
Poor DS is doing okay. He has asked if we still love him etc.
It's so sad sometimes it makes me cry to think of him so sad.
My other DCs are trying so hard to show him how much he means to them but it is hard for them too especially DD as she was close to my mum and finds it hard to understand how she can be so mean.

pigletmania Tue 22-Jan-13 21:06:40

All i can say is nasty nasty people, you are handling it really well, i would not be so controlled.

De-lurking, how is your ds managing? Poor mite, loses his family then he gets treated like that. I'm sure you probably have made provision, but in case anything happened to you and dh might be worth making sure she is never in a position to split your dc up.

auntpetunia Tue 22-Jan-13 19:38:14

what! on what basis is she saying you are a horrible mother? how deluded can you get? I am glad that people are asking you about the situation and not just taking her word for it. Hope the DCs continue to be understanding, they must be so confused by grandma's behaviour.

Kaida Tue 22-Jan-13 19:06:10

How on Earth is she telling people you're a horrible mother? I mean, what's her argument for that? I've been following the thread since the beginning, OP, and I think you're handling a nasty situation well. Your mother, brother and SIL are ... not nice people.

prettybird Tue 22-Jan-13 18:22:40

In a funny way, that must be quite gratifying - as your mum effectively condemns herself. Although I am sure you'd prefer that she saw the error of her ways but there again, hell might freeze over before then wink

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