To tell my mum if she won't get for 1 DC she shouldn't buy anything at all

(660 Posts)
AnameIcouldnotthinkof Fri 23-Nov-12 21:07:25

I will try to keep it short.
We have 4 DCs. 1 (DS) is adopted. Me and Dh adopted him 2 years ago he is now 5 and is a lovely boy and we love him as much as our other DCs. My mum has never been very accepting of DS she is civil to him but that's about it.

My mum doesn't have a lot of money but she insists on buying the DCs 'proper' christmas presents.
Anyway the first year that we had DS for christmas my mum wouldn't buy him anything. I let it go and thought she would realise soon enough that DS is a part of our family.
Last year she bought him a colouring book and some felt pens. Not as much as the other DCs but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I even thought that this would be the year that she spent the same on all the DCs.

She called me the other day and said that because she didn't have enough money she wasn't buying anything for DS this year. But she would spend the same as usual on the other DCs. I suggested that she could get them all something little instead. She got really shouty saying that I was making her neglect her 'blood' and my DCs will grow up and learn that we love our DS more than them. I denied this and hung up.
Since then she keeps texting me asking if she can just buy for the 3DCs, so far I have ignored her but I am fed up with this and so is DH. My mum has told the whole family that we love DS more than the others ect and I want to tell her too get lost.

SIL (my DBs wife) thinks that my mum 'may have a point' as DS is not blood so my mum shouldn't have to buy for him if she doesn't want too.

I am really upset by this and I have no idea if it is clouding my judgement. But I don't want DS to go his whole life thinking he is not a part of this family when to Me and DH and our other DCs and all of DH's family he is a part of our family and we are so glad he is here.

Anyway AIBU to have told her she should buy for all, or not at all?

AnameIcouldnotthinkof Thu 24-Jan-13 18:43:14

It is heart breaking when he asks if we still love him. sad
My mum has started being vile to my younger brother now too because he is 'on our side'. It is all just a mess and I feel bad for our DCs and my brothers family who are being dragged futher into this.

pigletmania Thu 24-Jan-13 19:17:03

Goodness Aname she is just so vile and nasty. My mum can be very toxic in so much that sheis very self centred, and says nasty or unpleasent things to family members but hates it if you give her home truths. I read her this thread and even she was shiked and disgusted with your mums begohaviour. She said your ds shoud get more presents and be given lots of love

pigletmania Thu 24-Jan-13 19:17:47

From your mum

DPotter Thu 24-Jan-13 19:22:40

Aname - things don't seem to be settling down. Is there anyone who could act as an intermediary for you to help your mother see some reason and back off. It looks as if she's got the bit between her teeth and is attacking on all fronts. I don't know the procedures involved but is there anyone at the agency / social services dept who helped with the adoption who could approach her. or if that's too inflamatory an old family friend ?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 24-Jan-13 20:03:09

Poor little boy. Thank god he has you. I can't imagine why anyone would behave that way. I'm disgusted at their behaviour.

Hegsy Thu 24-Jan-13 20:13:33

Your poor ds sad you are coping so well with all this. Agree with those saying keep a log of your mothers behaviour and see about a restraining order. I mean driving past screaming abuse is just so classy hmm

I am in floods thinking of a little boy asking his parents if they still love him. Oh god. sad OP you are a wonderful mum; he's so lucky to have you. It sounds like he knows it too.

I have no contact with my father and his family anymore. His wife is an absolute horror who used to physically recoil if someone asked if DSis and I were her daughters (she and my father have a daughter together). It was horrible growing up knowing you were an inconvenience to half of your family.

I hope things settle down soon.

KitchenandJumble Thu 24-Jan-13 20:23:38

I have followed your story from the beginning. I don't think I posted earlier, and I have nothing particularly useful to add. But I just wanted to say how much I admire the way you are coping with this dreadful situation. Your mother and elder brother should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

All four of your children are truly blessed to have you and your DH as parents. And your children are lucky to have each other. How lovely that your younger brother is supportive too. You sound like such a lovely family.

Please don't let your toxic relatives hurt you. I know, it's much easier said than done. But the loss is entirely theirs, and they have no one to blame but themselves. You are well rid of such vile people.

ShiftyFades Thu 24-Jan-13 21:02:06

Just want to add my support. That made me shed a tear, your DS shouldn't be asking if he's loved because his Nanna is a witch sad
How awful for your younger brother, I hope he stands his ground so you at least have some family to turn to.

Your children, all of them, are so lucky to have you, you are a wonderful mum to them all xxx

Aeroflotgirl Tue 12-Aug-14 18:54:43

I know this is a zombie thread, but op has the situation improved. Been thinking of you and your poor ds treated badly by someone who should know better

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