Just found out my 11 YO is texting with a person she met on a dating website

(615 Posts)
AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:04:33

I want to start out by saying I take full responsibility for not checking her phone and seeing this earlier, I thought we had a sensible and responsible daughter and I've allowed myself to be misled by that thought.

She left her hotmail account open on my computer about a two hours ago, and I had a nose through her in and out box and found a change of password email from this teenage dating website. (it's always been made very clear to her that I could and would look through her electronic communications and history, although this was said a while ago)

I went to the site and found she had a fucking profile on there! And messages to and from other 'people'.

But there's one specific profile who she's contacted more, he's given her his phone number, and I presume she's given him hers, because we've just looked on her phone and they've been fucking texting each other!

In her email account she's sent him photos, of some drawings etc, but things that are obviously from a child.

He's sent her a photo of himself (which she thought she'd deleted, but I managed to get it back).

On the texts, and there are a fuck of a lot of them -

-She's told him she's 13

-Lots of talking about wanking and masturbating (even after she's told him she's 13) - which she asked me about yesterday because she didn't know what it meant, and you can see from the texts she's got no idea WTF he's talking about.

-She's tried ringing him tonight shock she's text up to 10 to 1 at night, and from 7 in the morning.

-She's been texting him all day today - when we've been there with her!

-He's actually messaging her NOW!

I'm holding DH back from texting him to say something, because I need some advice. DH is talking about the police (if there are any of the MN bobbies I know use MN, is this that serious do you think? Is it exaggerating thinking this is a 'man' grooming what he knows to be an underage child?)

I really do feel ashamed we haven't protected her from this. We're so aware of shit like this, we honestly are, and when they're 9/10/11 YO everything seems so open and you've told them the rules and think they understand.

We got the phone for her on a contract two weeks ago because her old one broke in the summer holidays and we wanted her to be able have an OK one for secondary school (which she's just started doing the 35 minute walk to and from every day).

I'm angry for letting myself trust her and her breaking it, and for not checking her phone sooner. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously she's not got the phone and I'm looking through her email accounts (she's got two, but I can't get into one).

And what should we do about this 'bloke/man/teenager' who's texting her stuff now? Ignore him, block him?

FFS, I'm just reeling, please tell us what you think.

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Jan-13 20:37:32

Great advice Kitty, thanks for posting smile

KittyLane1 Sat 19-Jan-13 10:03:09

That sounds terrifying, I would highly recommend contacting the police and taking the phone off your daughter before they get there so she can't delete anything. Even if it turns out the boy is a similar age the police will understand why you have contacted them. Good luck x

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Jan-13 00:27:02

smile Cheers m'dears.

I s'pose it's no news is good news, if they thought he was a bad 'un they'd be moving more/quicker.

I was going to update before I wiped the phone so I could use it, whether it would be a good idea to suggest DD read over what was said with the new eyes of 3 months later (3 months?? shock that long?), but I thought on it and remembered I'd written them all down so I can show her when she's 20 realised it wouldn't be a good idea to drag her back into it now she's doing so well and the majority of it is all 'K' 'Yeah' 'What you doin' 'I just got up' tedium anyway

It does come up in conversation now and again, but I can see her inwardly shudder at it's mention so I think/hope it's sunk in.

(Just had a huge bang upstairs, went up and DD2 had fallen out of bed shock it didn't even wake her up though, bless her cottons grin)

WorraLiberty Fri 18-Jan-13 23:43:11

What edam said.

Glad to hear it's going well though.

edam Fri 18-Jan-13 23:40:13

Great to hear things are going well and dd is OK.

But blimey, the police don't exactly hurry themselves, do they? The cops still don't know whether this charmer actually is 17 or 70...

gimmecakeandcandy Fri 18-Jan-13 23:37:00

Love hearing updates! Great to hear x

BeanJuice Fri 18-Jan-13 23:11:20

Glad to hear everything's better smile

AgentZigzag Fri 18-Jan-13 22:41:27

I've been meaning to update for a while but knew I'd want to re-read the posts and be a bit conflicted because I got such support from it that I know it'd warm my cockles, but it'll put me back into how I felt at the time and I'm not sure I wanted that, even though I know it all turned out OK.

I'm very good at avoiding stuff grin

DH text Detective bloke to ask about the phone and he went round to DHs work with it. He said they'd looked at the phone and she'd deleted some messages towards the end (but DH didn't ask what they said! hmm possibly could be to free up space on the phone though), they thought the messages were definitely inappropriate given that he's 17/18 and thinking she was 13.

They're still waiting on information from microsoft about confirming his identity (whatever that means) and have sent the details down to his local police on advisement and he'll tell us whether they act on it.

Said again he'd do the same if it were his DD and not put in a complaint about this lad, so I think that's encouraging.

So not much more, but nothing sinister, which we're glad about.

I've got her phone and contract now, and it's a really good phone smile and DD has my crappy-ish old one so she can't use the internet haha grin Worst punishment ever.

The really good news is that I asked her whether she'd had a good day today and she said she had <faint> this is unheard of on a school day, the comparison between now and when she was at primary is amazing, she's just so happy. Has a lot of new friends, goes out and has chips with them/scootering etc. Which is heartening for anyone with DC having a shitty time at the end of primary and hoping for the turning over of a new leaf at secondary, as I did, it really can open up new groups of friends for them smile

ShiftyFades Tue 23-Oct-12 17:56:42

No surprise there then zigzag, certainly didn't have "honourable" intentions angry

Hope all is calm at home xxx

Isitsafetocomeoutofthecloset Mon 22-Oct-12 19:57:46

Upload the picture to google. Click, find similar images, if the same one comes up you know he faked the picture. It's how we found out ds's 'friend' was actually faked.

AgentZigzag Mon 22-Oct-12 19:40:07

The detective got back to DH today, said the phone's in the queue and would be another four weeks or so until they'd fully checked it out.

But they'd looked at the email address and that was registered using a false postcode, so they're going to have to look at the IP address and where it's been accessed.

I can't think of any legit reason why someone would set up an email using a false postcode, it smacks of being up to no good and something to hide.

Your DD talking to you about stuff is good as well pineapple, it's not something I would have done with my mum at 14. A 'Muuuum!! hmm' and a mumbled 'yeah' would have been all she could have expected grin

pineapplecrush Mon 22-Oct-12 16:50:54

Thanks ZigZag - sound advice. Made me feel better. We discussed the boy who'd sent her the naked message - whatever you call them via her Facebook inbox. I asked her last night if she ever heard from him and she replied "no" and I believe her. She said he's "weird". I know the messaging on Facebook inbox stopped in January this year. Think it gave her a scare actually. A lesson in how something innocent enough can take a menacing turn and get you way out of your depth. Can't keep an eye on her social networking as don't know her password and only saw other stuff because she left it on accidentally but glad I'm aware of what happened. Yes, 14 is tricky!!!

AgentZigzag Mon 22-Oct-12 00:41:30

Good advice Serenity, thanks smile

SerenityNOT Mon 22-Oct-12 00:28:08

Confiscate the phone and pass it to the police. It's a CEOPS issue and the bastard wants his balls nailed to the table.

AgentZigzag Sun 21-Oct-12 23:53:35

I know a few people who've chosen to take their own lives, and it was difficult enough dealing with it in my 20's, so for a 14 YO it must shake your foundations.

Sorry, I've re-read your other post and realised I mistakenly thought it was the lad over the internet she didn't want to talk to you about, rather than the one who'd committed suicide. So her opening up about how she feels about that to you now might be a good sign?

At 14 I would say it's on the right side of the fine line between protecting your DC for their own good, and spying on them and invading their privacy.

pineapplecrush Sun 21-Oct-12 21:32:57

Thanks Agent Zig Zag. Brought up a few things with her tonight as we're having a relaxed night in on our own and no school tomorrow. Discussed some of her friends' issues, 3/4 sleep with their boyfriends (three or four I mean, not three
quarters!) and how she feels about that (wants to wait quite a bit thankfully).
Also mentioned how she can't always make things right for everyone unfortunately. Talked about friend who killed himself quite a bit - as it's coming up to the anniversary. Will get to internet safety as well, this week when we have more time. Don't think she sent any topless pictures to the boy, by the
way the conversations were going as he kept asking her. Decided not to tell her what I saw on Facebook - she'll be mortified. Would be something we'd both remember in years to come. I want her to trust me not to spy on her but must say, been a proper eye opener for me - think I was a bit naive before so glad I
saw what I saw, upsetting as it was.

AgentZigzag Sun 21-Oct-12 19:03:56

Not gatecrashing at all pineapple! smile But you could start a thread about it to get advice from more posters, usually they ask questions about stuff you hadn't even thought relevant before posting.

It's not a very nice thing to find, if it were me I'd probably not mention anything to her because it looks to have ended such a long time ago, especially if you know she doesn't want to talk about it anyway.

Plus it'd give her the heads up you were keeping your eye on her facebook account wink

Could you just go through the internet safety stuff (emphasising not sending naked pictures - do you think she sent one to him?) in a general way and not linked to this lad at all? If you don't think she'll take any notice of a run through of them all at once, perhaps you could bring them up singly at different times?

14 is a difficult age though isn't it? Lots of sympathy for that in itself grin

pineapplecrush Sun 21-Oct-12 18:44:27

Apologies for gatecrashing the OP with my post. Should have maybe made it another thread completely - don't know - it's my first post?

pineapplecrush Sun 21-Oct-12 18:34:25

I'm still reeling too. I got access to my 14 year old daughter's inbox on her facebook account last night (I know, but so glad I did and never seen it before).
She's been receiving and sending messages from a boy of 17/18 who she knows through a former friend. I'd heard he'd had a difficult childhood and his Mum died a couple of years ago and I also heard he'd threatened to kill himself. I know my daughter felt very sorry for him. However, he's been asking her to send topless pictures of herself and sent a photo of himself naked and it's obvious he's just masturbated. What comes across in the messages is my daughter's caring nature and her compassion for someone in need. What also comes across is she's way out of her depth. The communication seems to have stopped in January 2012 and, as far, as I know, she doesn't see him in person.
Pretty certain about that. I talked to her Dad (didn't go into too much detail) and we agreed I should talk to her soon but don't know whether to make it a general discussion or admit what I've seen. My daughter and her friends have had such an upsetting and emotional year as well - a boy in her year killed himself a year ago and its been devastating. She was close to him but doesn't want to talk about it with me. I don't know how to handle this.

ShiftyFades Sun 21-Oct-12 15:09:25

It was good family fun but not fabulous... Isle of Wight!! grin

Glad things have calmed down xxx

AgentZigzag Sun 21-Oct-12 13:06:29

She'd built it up in her head Chipping and thought we'd go spare, which of course we did to start with, my face was a halloween version of shock as I was processing what she'd done. But it calmed down relatively quickly (compared to my first thought of not letting her have a phone until she leaves home grin).

Depending on how you found out Gymbob, I think DD might have accepted it was not as it seemed because she was already feeling uncomfortable at the sexual content of the texts and was having difficulty stopping the texts. If I'd have found out before that point she could have been more resistant to the idea that the person was getting something sinister from the contact? She'd already found out for herself, so our reaction just backed that up. (I would PM you but something's broken on MN and my bookmarks, preview and message poster buttons aren't working, other people are having trouble too so I'll check it later smile)

Hope you had a great holiday Shifty smile

ShiftyFades Sun 21-Oct-12 09:16:48

Morning Zigzag,
Found this thread last night, couldn't believe I'd missed it and then I looked at the dates: we were on holiday with no Internet access sad
I've read the entire thread. Won't go over old ground, just want to add my support. I did know about ceop and what they do (even looked at joining them when they were first created).
I hope you hear some news about the case soon.
Sending you {{hugs}} xxx

Gymbob Sun 21-Oct-12 08:39:58

It all kicked off in June for us. The phone co refuse to end the contract. The police phoned and asked them to end it, and they won't and I am disgusted that given the circumstances they still refuse.

She refused point blank to consider the fact that the '14 year old boy' wasn't genuine, which was a big factor in her not being allowed continued access to the internet, either via the home PC or mobile. Other professional bodies were are involved too, I can't go into detail here, but I could pm you agent. Our situation is not straight forward.

Recently she has said she now has changed her mind, and she says we were right, and she was wrong. I don't actually believe her, I know she is desperate for her phone back (she has a cheap crappy PAYG with no internet at the mo), so I think she is just telling us when we want to hear.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sun 21-Oct-12 02:23:29

Agent - of course you can be there 24/7, be the worlds best parent and they wont aways come to you. Your DD did, she was just a bit 'round the houses' about it. No matter how calm you normally are, they still worry they'll get into trouble &/or don't really know what they want you to do or what to say... she's only young really, no matter how 'grown up' she's trying to be or how tall she is (they all seem to be so TALL these days!). Yes she was a bit silly (and should have known better etc) but either she's been 'led astray' by a young lad OR been being groomed by an eadult - either way, she has ended up in a situation where she needed help and she came to you for that help.

AgentZigzag Sun 21-Oct-12 01:47:31

Thanks Chipping, and LadyS, bloody RL, don't talk to me about RL <avoidance techniques maxing out> grin

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