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Just found out my 11 YO is texting with a person she met on a dating website

(615 Posts)
AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:04:33

I want to start out by saying I take full responsibility for not checking her phone and seeing this earlier, I thought we had a sensible and responsible daughter and I've allowed myself to be misled by that thought.

She left her hotmail account open on my computer about a two hours ago, and I had a nose through her in and out box and found a change of password email from this teenage dating website. (it's always been made very clear to her that I could and would look through her electronic communications and history, although this was said a while ago)

I went to the site and found she had a fucking profile on there! And messages to and from other 'people'.

But there's one specific profile who she's contacted more, he's given her his phone number, and I presume she's given him hers, because we've just looked on her phone and they've been fucking texting each other!

In her email account she's sent him photos, of some drawings etc, but things that are obviously from a child.

He's sent her a photo of himself (which she thought she'd deleted, but I managed to get it back).

On the texts, and there are a fuck of a lot of them -

-She's told him she's 13

-Lots of talking about wanking and masturbating (even after she's told him she's 13) - which she asked me about yesterday because she didn't know what it meant, and you can see from the texts she's got no idea WTF he's talking about.

-She's tried ringing him tonight shock she's text up to 10 to 1 at night, and from 7 in the morning.

-She's been texting him all day today - when we've been there with her!

-He's actually messaging her NOW!

I'm holding DH back from texting him to say something, because I need some advice. DH is talking about the police (if there are any of the MN bobbies I know use MN, is this that serious do you think? Is it exaggerating thinking this is a 'man' grooming what he knows to be an underage child?)

I really do feel ashamed we haven't protected her from this. We're so aware of shit like this, we honestly are, and when they're 9/10/11 YO everything seems so open and you've told them the rules and think they understand.

We got the phone for her on a contract two weeks ago because her old one broke in the summer holidays and we wanted her to be able have an OK one for secondary school (which she's just started doing the 35 minute walk to and from every day).

I'm angry for letting myself trust her and her breaking it, and for not checking her phone sooner. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously she's not got the phone and I'm looking through her email accounts (she's got two, but I can't get into one).

And what should we do about this 'bloke/man/teenager' who's texting her stuff now? Ignore him, block him?

FFS, I'm just reeling, please tell us what you think.

AgentZigzag Sun 21-Oct-12 23:53:35

I know a few people who've chosen to take their own lives, and it was difficult enough dealing with it in my 20's, so for a 14 YO it must shake your foundations.

Sorry, I've re-read your other post and realised I mistakenly thought it was the lad over the internet she didn't want to talk to you about, rather than the one who'd committed suicide. So her opening up about how she feels about that to you now might be a good sign?

At 14 I would say it's on the right side of the fine line between protecting your DC for their own good, and spying on them and invading their privacy.

SerenityNOT Mon 22-Oct-12 00:28:08

Confiscate the phone and pass it to the police. It's a CEOPS issue and the bastard wants his balls nailed to the table.

AgentZigzag Mon 22-Oct-12 00:41:30

Good advice Serenity, thanks smile

pineapplecrush Mon 22-Oct-12 16:50:54

Thanks ZigZag - sound advice. Made me feel better. We discussed the boy who'd sent her the naked message - whatever you call them via her Facebook inbox. I asked her last night if she ever heard from him and she replied "no" and I believe her. She said he's "weird". I know the messaging on Facebook inbox stopped in January this year. Think it gave her a scare actually. A lesson in how something innocent enough can take a menacing turn and get you way out of your depth. Can't keep an eye on her social networking as don't know her password and only saw other stuff because she left it on accidentally but glad I'm aware of what happened. Yes, 14 is tricky!!!

AgentZigzag Mon 22-Oct-12 19:40:07

The detective got back to DH today, said the phone's in the queue and would be another four weeks or so until they'd fully checked it out.

But they'd looked at the email address and that was registered using a false postcode, so they're going to have to look at the IP address and where it's been accessed.

I can't think of any legit reason why someone would set up an email using a false postcode, it smacks of being up to no good and something to hide.

Your DD talking to you about stuff is good as well pineapple, it's not something I would have done with my mum at 14. A 'Muuuum!! hmm' and a mumbled 'yeah' would have been all she could have expected grin

Isitsafetocomeoutofthecloset Mon 22-Oct-12 19:57:46

Upload the picture to google. Click, find similar images, if the same one comes up you know he faked the picture. It's how we found out ds's 'friend' was actually faked.

ShiftyFades Tue 23-Oct-12 17:56:42

No surprise there then zigzag, certainly didn't have "honourable" intentions angry

Hope all is calm at home xxx

AgentZigzag Fri 18-Jan-13 22:41:27

I've been meaning to update for a while but knew I'd want to re-read the posts and be a bit conflicted because I got such support from it that I know it'd warm my cockles, but it'll put me back into how I felt at the time and I'm not sure I wanted that, even though I know it all turned out OK.

I'm very good at avoiding stuff grin

DH text Detective bloke to ask about the phone and he went round to DHs work with it. He said they'd looked at the phone and she'd deleted some messages towards the end (but DH didn't ask what they said! hmm possibly could be to free up space on the phone though), they thought the messages were definitely inappropriate given that he's 17/18 and thinking she was 13.

They're still waiting on information from microsoft about confirming his identity (whatever that means) and have sent the details down to his local police on advisement and he'll tell us whether they act on it.

Said again he'd do the same if it were his DD and not put in a complaint about this lad, so I think that's encouraging.

So not much more, but nothing sinister, which we're glad about.

I've got her phone and contract now, and it's a really good phone smile and DD has my crappy-ish old one so she can't use the internet haha grin Worst punishment ever.

The really good news is that I asked her whether she'd had a good day today and she said she had <faint> this is unheard of on a school day, the comparison between now and when she was at primary is amazing, she's just so happy. Has a lot of new friends, goes out and has chips with them/scootering etc. Which is heartening for anyone with DC having a shitty time at the end of primary and hoping for the turning over of a new leaf at secondary, as I did, it really can open up new groups of friends for them smile

BeanJuice Fri 18-Jan-13 23:11:20

Glad to hear everything's better smile

gimmecakeandcandy Fri 18-Jan-13 23:37:00

Love hearing updates! Great to hear x

edam Fri 18-Jan-13 23:40:13

Great to hear things are going well and dd is OK.

But blimey, the police don't exactly hurry themselves, do they? The cops still don't know whether this charmer actually is 17 or 70...

WorraLiberty Fri 18-Jan-13 23:43:11

What edam said.

Glad to hear it's going well though.

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Jan-13 00:27:02

smile Cheers m'dears.

I s'pose it's no news is good news, if they thought he was a bad 'un they'd be moving more/quicker.

I was going to update before I wiped the phone so I could use it, whether it would be a good idea to suggest DD read over what was said with the new eyes of 3 months later (3 months?? shock that long?), but I thought on it and remembered I'd written them all down so I can show her when she's 20 realised it wouldn't be a good idea to drag her back into it now she's doing so well and the majority of it is all 'K' 'Yeah' 'What you doin' 'I just got up' tedium anyway

It does come up in conversation now and again, but I can see her inwardly shudder at it's mention so I think/hope it's sunk in.

(Just had a huge bang upstairs, went up and DD2 had fallen out of bed shock it didn't even wake her up though, bless her cottons grin)

KittyLane1 Sat 19-Jan-13 10:03:09

That sounds terrifying, I would highly recommend contacting the police and taking the phone off your daughter before they get there so she can't delete anything. Even if it turns out the boy is a similar age the police will understand why you have contacted them. Good luck x

AgentZigzag Sat 19-Jan-13 20:37:32

Great advice Kitty, thanks for posting smile

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