Just found out my 11 YO is texting with a person she met on a dating website

(615 Posts)
AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:04:33

I want to start out by saying I take full responsibility for not checking her phone and seeing this earlier, I thought we had a sensible and responsible daughter and I've allowed myself to be misled by that thought.

She left her hotmail account open on my computer about a two hours ago, and I had a nose through her in and out box and found a change of password email from this teenage dating website. (it's always been made very clear to her that I could and would look through her electronic communications and history, although this was said a while ago)

I went to the site and found she had a fucking profile on there! And messages to and from other 'people'.

But there's one specific profile who she's contacted more, he's given her his phone number, and I presume she's given him hers, because we've just looked on her phone and they've been fucking texting each other!

In her email account she's sent him photos, of some drawings etc, but things that are obviously from a child.

He's sent her a photo of himself (which she thought she'd deleted, but I managed to get it back).

On the texts, and there are a fuck of a lot of them -

-She's told him she's 13

-Lots of talking about wanking and masturbating (even after she's told him she's 13) - which she asked me about yesterday because she didn't know what it meant, and you can see from the texts she's got no idea WTF he's talking about.

-She's tried ringing him tonight shock she's text up to 10 to 1 at night, and from 7 in the morning.

-She's been texting him all day today - when we've been there with her!

-He's actually messaging her NOW!

I'm holding DH back from texting him to say something, because I need some advice. DH is talking about the police (if there are any of the MN bobbies I know use MN, is this that serious do you think? Is it exaggerating thinking this is a 'man' grooming what he knows to be an underage child?)

I really do feel ashamed we haven't protected her from this. We're so aware of shit like this, we honestly are, and when they're 9/10/11 YO everything seems so open and you've told them the rules and think they understand.

We got the phone for her on a contract two weeks ago because her old one broke in the summer holidays and we wanted her to be able have an OK one for secondary school (which she's just started doing the 35 minute walk to and from every day).

I'm angry for letting myself trust her and her breaking it, and for not checking her phone sooner. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously she's not got the phone and I'm looking through her email accounts (she's got two, but I can't get into one).

And what should we do about this 'bloke/man/teenager' who's texting her stuff now? Ignore him, block him?

FFS, I'm just reeling, please tell us what you think.

TheOneAndOnlyMaryZed Sat 22-Sep-12 23:18:15

It's really scary when this happens.

I saw some of dd's Facebook messages recently and got a hell of a fright. And talking to her, she just says "everyone does it" - sexy talk hmm.

I think if there is even a chance he knows she is 11 you have to ring the police. Because she (sadly) won't be the only child he is talking to.

You know, you are doing well - this has only been going on for two weeks, and you have found out. There are an awful lot of kids out there whose parents never find out.

avivabeaver Sat 22-Sep-12 23:18:16

you don't know that it is a genuine photo

you don't know if he is texting "like a young person" rather than being a young person.

i would involve the police.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Sat 22-Sep-12 23:18:21

that's what I said to wannabee.. Agent don't assume the picture is the real person.

Definitely go tto the police.

My cousin was in contact with somebody who was in his early twenties in primary school, met him through one of those popular preteen game sites! He knew she was young and was talking about similar things, she wasn't the only one either. She didn't realise that her school email could be looked at by the school (took them months to realise though hmm).

Notcybermum Sat 22-Sep-12 23:18:49

Might not be his photo. I did an online safety course and groomers often use fake photos. Even if it is his photo and he's a teen he needs to know his behaviours not on.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Sat 22-Sep-12 23:19:03

Get her to call him and take the phone...or call him yourself from DDs phone.

halcyondays Sat 22-Sep-12 23:19:15

It could be an older man using a photo of a young boy, a young looking photo
Doesn't prove anything.

No perv in their right mind would use pictures of themselves when talking to underage kids, they always pretend to be of similar age. Then they arrange to meet up.

NO DONT RUMBLE HIM!

Let the police deal with him!

Theas18 Sat 22-Sep-12 23:19:56

Install k9 on the tightest settings - she will need you to ok every site initially.

Take her contract sim - give her a p&g ( therefore a new number) and tbh I'd look very hard at getting a £5 phone with no camera or Internet - I know you wante her to have a"decent phone" for school but this has allowed grooming exchange of photos and, hopefully not but possibly videos too. If her phone has no net and no camera you are starting to protect her from abuse/ bullying in her own home and bedroom. sorry but 11yr olds need a reliable phone to txt and call. They don't need a "nice " phone.
Keep the phone and laptop downstairs at bedtime.
Agree now is the time to really put the frightened on her. She has been so lucky ou love and care enough to notice these things..a naff phone and pc lock down is not over reacting. Tell police and school too..

HolyAutumnGoldBatman Sat 22-Sep-12 23:20:25

Could she have met him at school if it wasn't through the dating website?

thornrose Sat 22-Sep-12 23:20:40

You need to terrify her. I recently talked to my, just, 13 year old about grooming. I also told her she may be encouraged to show her breasts on webcam and then the pictures will go on Facebook and she could be blackmailed to do more and more vile stuff. I also was fairly graphic in my description of paedophiles and what they actually do.
Dawndonna - I agree, she was scared - and yes, good.

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:20:53

I agree about not taking him at face value, which is why I've put 'him' in inverted commas.

It doesn't make me feel much better, but I agree akae, I really think we've just caught this before it went too far.

GreenEyesAndHam Sat 22-Sep-12 23:21:29

Oh my good god, total nightmare and one that could easily happen to us too, as I also have an 11yo daughter and what sounds like just the same set up as regards to security, trust, open-ness etc.

That's supposed to give you some comfort that you are not the only ones that this could happen to, but it probably won't.

I'd advise going to the police as well, I think. I'm shit at advice though, sorry

akaemmafrost Sat 22-Sep-12 23:22:19

Is she on FB? Just an idea that you might be able to find out a bit more about him if they're friends on there too.

pinkteddy Sat 22-Sep-12 23:22:33

Agent the site I linked to up thread tells you what you need to do if you want to report this.

akaemmafrost Sat 22-Sep-12 23:22:45

Oh she's 11 of course she won't be. Ignore me.

ravenAK Sat 22-Sep-12 23:23:09

Definitely police.

If he turns out to be 13 himself, a bollocking about sending texts about masturbation to an 11yo strikes me as not undeserved. If he is an adult, he wants putting a stop to...unlikely to be the first/only girl he's grooming.

Agree £10 PAYG until dd has earned your trust back. Silly girl sad

BertieBotts Sat 22-Sep-12 23:23:16

Holy crap, yes, get the police involved. Even if it is a slightly older boy who is misunderstanding/naive himself it might make him think if the police turn up to have a word with him!

I've seen some people on here say that their preteens have phones/email but only on the condition that they know the passwords and can log in and check/read through at any time. The children are aware of this and if the passwords are changed then they lose access to the phone/internet. You could also extend this to being allowed to check the contacts and she has to tell you if she's putting a new contact into her phone, where she met them, how she knows them etc. A compromise if she needs the phone for school? Maybe she should be asking if she's allowed to make phone calls as well, it's hard to judge, mobile phones weren't around when I was 11 grin

Practically you can get him blocked by the network from contacting your DD or let the police deal with it, they may advise blocking via the phone or network anyway. Don't contact him yourselves as it may blur things.

Also agree try not to panic/be too hard on yourself. You DID notice in time and no serious harm was done.

DameFanny Sat 22-Sep-12 23:23:18

Oh you poor thing.

Would second (third, fourth etc) to involve the police - and if he is young himself, he'll get a bloody good scare.

But from what I remember of young teenagers, they were h the least likely to have a sexual interest in girls younger than them.

So sorry this is happening.

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:24:05

She bloody is scared, she saw the look on my face when I found out!

It's just so quick, she's obviously more independent going to secondary and I thought it was doing her good because she was much less lippy at home and seemed to be happier.

Now I fucking know why.

QueenofJacksDreams Sat 22-Sep-12 23:24:27

Agent You're getting some brilliant advice on here stick to being safe and contact the police smile Its not your fault kids are sneaky little buggers trust me I can remember pulling the same sort of stunts without anyone knowing.

Sit DD down have a good long chat with her about what's happening and explain why its not safe for this to be happening.

Please don't feel ashamed she's 11 she's pushing the boundaries and at her age I always thought it was the coolest thing in the world to be able to brag I had a boyfriend even if I didn't understand half of it.

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 23:24:40

And thanks so much for your posts, I/we really appreciate your time.

heyannie Sat 22-Sep-12 23:24:55

Don't feel like a terrible parent, and don't assume the worst either just yet, it will only make you feel worse. It could be chit chat between people two years apart in age rather than something more sinister, but obviously should be stopped. Luckily you have caught it in time to nip it in the bud.

And an 11 year old doesn't need an Android phone with generous allowances. An "ok" phone would be one that can make calls and send text messages, but this is by the by. You won't be a terrible parent if you get her an Alcatel brick, but she might accuse you of being one...

Fairenuff Sat 22-Sep-12 23:25:03

I would contact the police. They learn to use 'teen speak' and know what to say and how to say it. The photo could easily be fake. If it is just a teenager he should learn now that 11 is too young for that kind of talk. It might just frighten him off and teach him a good lesson.

Don't blame yourself. You have checked up on her now and you will keep her safe. Might not be best to go mad at her though, she's just an innocent victim, a child, but it might make her more careful and secretive in future. Maybe a police woman would speak to her?

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