AIBU in thinking that in trying to make things better for DD I have made them worse?

[ParanoidAnnie]

I've posted about DD before and always had great unbiased advice.

DD is 8 and had a horrendous year at school last school year (Year 3). I was constantly in with the Head as she was picked on by one particular girl who is very precocious and seemed to have a dislike of DD. DD had been physically hurt on several occasions. It culminated in me making a formal accusation of bullying against this child. It was a difficult decision as I know the parents and did speak to them socially on occasion. The day I made the accusation DD was actually afraid to go to school and I had to keep her off, so I didn't do it lightly if you see what I mean.

I do know that there were occasions when DD had retaliated (some pre meditated) to this girl and as far as I was concerned the situation was becoming intolerable and could not continue. My bright happy child was changing before my eyes and it was heart breaking.

This was all at the end of last term. The mother of the child in question reacted very badly to the bullying accusation. She refused to speak to me (her prerogative I know) and I didn't push it all. She turned her back on me in the yard constantly and refused to believe that her daughter had done anything wrong.

Roll forward to this year and on the first day of term this girl hurt DD by squeezing her arms so hard she left marks. DD followed instructions and informed teachers and didn't retaliate. The school logged the incident but at the time as there were no witnesses couldn't do anything despite my protestations. On Friday another girl came forward who HAD witnessed the incident and when questioned by the Head confirmed the story exactly as my DD had said. The girl was punished by missing 2 break times.

Now she is having a party and both her and her mum handed out invites to all the girls in DD's class apart from DD. DD was visibly upset but handled it very well. Again, heart breaking to watch for me as her mum. I didn't expect an invite given the history, but to hand out invites in front of DD and highlight the fact that she is the only one excluded is very cruel in my opinion.

Well done if you have got this far. What I am asking is - should I have left things? By reporting this bullying (officially) I feel that I have made matters worse for DD. This girl is constantly saying 'I can't be near you - I am not allowed'. It is a small school and this makes DD's life really difficult.

Sorry for the rambling!

[CrackerJackShack]

Someone needs to give the other mother a swift kick to the rear end. Sorry but if another child was physically harming mine, on more than one occasion, I don't see how you couldn't report her?

[shuffleballchange]

Your DD needs to know you are fighting for her, you did the right thing.

[mrsconfuseddotcom]

No, you definitely did the right thing. That child sounds like a prize brat!

Sometimes I think the best way to deal with things is to remove yourself from a situation. Could DD move schools?

[shuffleballchange]

Oh and the other mum sounds like a right bitch. Just be the bigger person, easier said than done, I know.

[Clytaemnestra]

It's just another form of bullying from this girl, sanctioned by her mother.

Tell the school. Keep fighting your DD's corner and don't let her grow up thinking that the best way to get on in life is by keeping your head down and settling for scraps of affection from bullies. She woudn't have been invited to this party either way I suspect.

I would take your DD to the most special fancy day out that you can afford on the day of the party. So when bully girl gloats about her stupendous party, your DD doesn't need to say anything, but will be safe in the knowledge that she had a much better treat AND didn't have to spend time with the little brat.

[bb99]

Have you got copy of the schools Bullying Policy?

Also I would be interested in their Discipline Policy - I had to look after my friend's dc when they were sent home/ half day excluded (impulse control ishoos) after hurting another child.

Did you discuss the transition with the new teacher, or have you had a chance to discuss this incident with the new teacher - try to find out the teacher's point of view about the situation.

Does the school have an Liason Person - a staff member who works wth parents/children etc to bridge the gap between home and school. They can be really supportive when situations like this arise.

Could you have a coffee with the mum? Not to accuse or question, just chat, oh gosh, what's your side of things? Not easy...

Part of me would be tempted to kill it with kindness and try to get them to buddy up, but that might not be possible now.

Why did they fall out? Was one of them new to the school?

Good Luck.

[ParanoidAnnie]

Thanks everyone . Is very hard to be the bigger person. I have tried all last week and did do very well.

mrsconfused looked at the whole move school thing but it really isn't feasible. Also, I do think - why should we move, we haven't done anything wrong?

[maddening]

could you have mediation with the bully's parents and yourselves - so they can see the evidence of this child's true character?

[2rebecca]

I'm not surprised she isn't invited to the party and am surprised she wants to go if the girl is a bully. I don't think you have made things worse for her as the girl now avoids her.
The party will soon be over, explain that adults don't get invited to parties by people they don't like either and do something nice with her that day.
Encourage her to form friendships with other girls and encourage her in activities she is interested in.
If this girl bullies others her mothers attitude in turning a blind eye to it will harm her in the end when she has no friends.

[ParanoidAnnie]

bb99 thanks for the post. I did try to talk to the mother. I send her a really nice text offering to meet up away from the school in neutral territory but she said no. I won't beg. That was my offer and I won't make another one.

We have tried the buddying up and even had tea dates - it didn't work at all. They have both been at the same school since reception. I can't get the bottom of the issue at all. I have spoken to her mum in the past, which was wholly unsatisfactory so to be honest I don't think it would make much difference.

[ParanoidAnnie]

2rebecca we weren't expecting an invite and I wouldn't have let her go anyway. I sort of knew it was coming, so I have prepared DD. I said exactly what you said, that she couldn't expect an invite and why would she want to go anyway.

I think it was more the exclusion as being the only one not going and how it was done. I may be wrong, but it seemed that it was deliberate and really highlighted to DD that she wasn't invited. She had tears in her eyes when she realised she was the only one without an invite.

I will certainly make sure we treat DD on the day.

[BoffinMum]

I am inclined to think that dignity in public is required, but you do need to flag this up to the head teacher and make it clear that you're not prepared to tolerate this.

Small schools can be hard as people all need to work at relationships harder, which needs to be supported to an extent by the head teacher.

[TheEnthusiasticTroll]

you did the right thing, but now I think the other mother is also attempting to do the right thing, maybe. It is possibly not the best way to handle it and I would not myself, but She has instructed her dd not to be near your dd in a hope that any accusations will now stop.

Could it possibly six of one and half a dozen of the other, my dd has a girl in her friendship circle and it is awkward between them both, I had to make several incidents known to dds teacher last term but I only hear my dds side of things and whilst in the playground it is very difficult for an adult to truelly know what has occured. I do think this girl has been unkind to my dd and my dd maybe unknowingly has clashed with the girl, my dd is loud and assertive and this girl is very quiet and equally assertive, what washes over my dds back maybe holds longer in this girls mind and so she will react later possibly.

This first week at school my dd has luckily been invited to this girls party, with lots of your are lucky my mum made me invite you etc etc. However I do not know the context in which this other girl has said it and dd assurtes me that she did not do anything to other girl.

What im saying is this girl may feel equally as picked on by your dd as your dd feels picked on by her.

[BoffinMum]

PS One way of being dignified in public without engaging in nonsense is to ask, say, 3 other girls for a lovely outing one weekend just for fun, no reason, no party, just as a general treat. This ability to be friendly and treat people well will get around.

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

What a horrible situation for you both.

I think you definitely did the right thing by reporting it. Just think how your DD would have felt if she'd trusted you with all this (because it does take a lot of trust to admit to your parents that you're 'unpopular') and you'd done nothing.

It may sound drastic, but can you change schools? Because from what you've said, it doesn't sound as though this will resolve itself and if it doesn't, your daughter could be facing two more years of this.

I was bullied badly at secondary school, and quickly stopped telling my parents because of the consequences. If moving schools isn't going to be possible, I'd keep a close eye on her, continue to do what you can and be sympathetic, and be very wary of any claims that things have suddenly changed for the better.

Wishing you luck.

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

Sorry, had do do a feed and change in the middle of writing the above so didn't see that the schools move idea had already been covered.

[porcamiseria]

I DONT think you have made things worse

this party is a blip, and remeber this person will only have 1 birthday a year

the fact she is saying 'I can't be near you - I am not allowed'. shows that she has got the message, and your complaint WORKED

as for the other Mum, she is either a cunt of the highest order, or as entusiatic says- she is hearing a different story from her DD

I think DD not being invited is par for the course

Focus on other things
treat her that day
focus on self esteem boosting
develoo other friendships


and this shall pass


but please DONT think you have made things worse, reads to me like you have made things better

[Startailoforangeandgold]

You did the right thing in standing up and reporting the bully to school.

There is nothing you can do with smug my little darling never does anything wrong parents except ignore them.

Chances are this you can't touch me attitude will rub off on their DD and she'll do something stupid to someone else.

I think by the end of Y5 the boy who bullied DD1 was very much on his final warning, he became quite bearable.

[catwoo]

The mother is an idiot
We had a bullying problem with DD1 at primary and eventually took her out of the school. When she started at secondary she was put in teh same form as her erstwhile bully and are now best of friends.I am so glad I never fell out with her parents and never discussed the matter with other parents
Moral of teh story- never fall out over kids.The kids will make up and you will be left with egg on your face!

[JaxTellerIsMyFriend]

I had a situation like this when my DD was in year 3. It was horrendous. A whole year of one girl targetting my DD and some others too.
The school didnt do an awful lot (similar to what yours did)and in the end we moved DD to a new school.

I have to say after the very first day of new school, I was in tears. I had my happy, smiling daughter back. She has just started year 5 and is fine.

We didnt do anything wrong either.

[WinkyWinkola]

Sounds like the bully has learned her behaviour from her mother.

You've behaved with dignity and calm. You and your dd win.

There are always Queen Bitches about. Just ignore ignore ignore. Your dd sounds very brave and this episode will stand her in very good stead.

This will come back and bite both the mother and the bully on the bum.

[3rdnparty]

I think you've done the right thing but would also mention the invite thing to either the new form teacher or head, just so they are aware you are going to stay on the case.....and will make sure any other things are nipped in the bud my nephew had this and his mum didn't want to make a fuss at the beginning of the year and by half term was back to square 1 as the bullying started again.....did get sorted eventually but she always felt bit guilty for letting bits slide...

[GoldenPrimrose123]

Jaxteller, our situation was similar to yours. DD was bullied through the last few years of primary school, but it got really bad in Year 6. The school weren't very helpful, even said that my DD had to be tougher and louder, and stand up for herself more. We decided to move her to a secondary school in a different town (this was her decision too) and she is like a different girl. This all happened a few years ago. She has just started Year 11, and is really happy and couldn't wait to get back to school. What a difference!