to think my parents need to sell up and move somewhere smaller

[lovemyalfa]

My DF has recently retired and has received a lump sum from his pension. On top of this he gets a really good income (he's been careful over the years) so my DPs are not struggling financially at all.
My DM is now trying to talk my DF into spending a lot of money on their house. It's a 4 bed detached house (the old family home) and it does need some updating but DM wants a conservatory, new kitchen, new bathroom, total redecoration. Total cost of this is £25k+ on a house that really isn't worth it. The money isn't the issue however, it is that my DM has a life-limiting illness that means her mobility (which is already slightly compromised) will only get worse. The house is not really adaptable for this and frankly seems just too big when there's just 2 of them living there. They don't get lots of visitors or anything so have no need of the 4 bedrooms.
My DF says he has always disliked the house despite living there for 27 years or so but my DM is adamant they're not moving. She reacted very badly to my suggestion that they sell up and buy a 2 bed bungalow, which might be more suitable for her ongoing needs.
I feel my DM is being incredibly selfish about this, by forcing my DF to stay in a property he doesn't like whilst spending a load of his pension money, just to have to move out in a couple of year's time when she can no longer get around.
AIBU to want to bang their heads together? My DM is not backwards at relying on her illness to manipulate people...

[YouOldSlag]

YANBU. I agree with you, but you can't make her. Must be very frustrating to stand by and watch her make a decision that doesn't look very sensible.

[WelshMaenad]

Would the renovations add value to the house when it's time to sell?

[lovemyalfa]

I don't know tbh. I suggested they might want to get the opinion of an estate agent with and without the renovations but I may as well have suggested my DM cut off her own fingers and ram them down her throat.

[CaptainVonTrapp]

YABU.

'His' pension. 'He's been careful'.

Presumably its their home, their decision, their future.

[ll31]

why do you feel your mother and father cannot manage their own affairs without your interference? yabu

[SCOTCHandWRY]

Having lived through extensive renovations of our property a few years back, I can tell you the stress is pretty crushing - time scales slip, costs go up, problems are found...

I was in my 30's and in good health at the time and it was a lot to deal with. Took 2 years and cleaned us out financially (18months longer than expected and at double the cost!) But we now have a fantastic house to enjoy for the next 20 or so years till we downsize.

So much easier, and more sensible at their stage in life to reassess their needs and buy a property on one level, which has all the things your DM wants and which will be suitable for them when they become frailer - maybe DM likes a big house, if money is not the main issue here maybe she'd be happier with a larger bungalow which suited their needs rather than a 2-bed one.

[lovemyalfa]

Ok CVT but 'he' doesn't want to live there any more but is being emotionally blackmailed by his wife. Where's the 'their' in that?

[TheEnglishWomanInTheAttic]

This is weird - my mother has had a similar renovation fever since retiring - similar financially comfortable retirement, though both parents like the house and want to stay in it, my mother has instigated some frankly crackpot and hugely expensive building work (one example is an internal stained glass window for no comprehensible reason). My dad is still working post retirement partly due to the expenditure, which runs into tens of thousands. Some things (5 star hotel standard bathroom) probably add value, but as they lost a bedroom to create the bathroom its debatable. Their house, their money, but I can't get my head around why my dad goes along with it, as he just rolls his eyes and says it gives my mum something to do when it is discussed out of her hearing (not that she's doing the work - in fact she also has health conditions so ropes nearby family members into doing all the clearing of rooms etc. - she "supervises" ...)

Mad, but there isn't much you can do.

[BackforGood]

I think lots of conversations about how it's easier to move while they are (relatively) young and (relatively) fit, and about how it will be so much harder a few years down the line when their health might dictate they need to would certainly be in order, but, ultimately, it's something they have to work out between themselves.

[CaptainVonTrapp]

She's blackmailing him now?! By having an opinion on how they should live instead of writing herself off?

[lovemyalfa]

ll31 my parents are well able to manage their own affairs and ultimately they have to live with their decision. I don't think that caring about what happens to them is 'interfering', otherwise I would be steering well clear of the discussion. Both my parents have health issues, although my mothers' problems are chronic and will result in major disability, my DF suffers from heart problems and is looking for a quiet life. I personally feel that getting the renovations done would be stressful to them, more than they realise as they have never had building work done before and will be pointless as they will have to move out soon anyway. I don't want them to live in a box, I just want them both to be happy!

[DolomitesDonkey]

Do you suppose part of her reluctance is because to admit it's too much is also to admit to herself that she is sick? Redecoration sounds like a distraction strategy to me.

[BlueBirdsNest]

You probably only think your father is being emotionally blackmailed because you want them to move?

Are you worried about your inheritance?

[lovemyalfa]

Oooh CVT you seem to have a bee in your bonnet! Yes, emotional blackmail. If you read the original post my DF does not like the house and would happily move but my DM refuses to even discuss it. No-one is asking her to write herself off but she is the first to state that she won't care where she lives in a couple of years' time as everyone else will have to wheel her around.

[lovemyalfa]

bluebirdsnest WTF???? As I stated before I couldn't care less where they live but I do care about their wellbeing. I am not in need of an inheritance!

[BlueBirdsNest]

ok, sorry

do you not think you should just leave them to it to make their own decisions?

perhaps staying put will actually be beneficial for your mum?

[AdoraBell]

Well, you're not BU to think they should, but YABU to try to make them move when they don't want to. Unless you are the legal guardian of course, that could make a difference.

[whatinthewhatnow]

yanbu to disagree with their choices. yabu to try to interfere.

it's their money, their house, their relationship. If your df hates the house that much, he can have that discussion with your dm, surely? I sympathise because my dps live in a huuuuuuuuuuuuge house that costs them a fortune to run and if they would just sell the bloody thing (valued at £1million) they could live the life of riley and wouldn't have to work or pay stupid heating bills or massive council tax for a load of dusty old rooms. But it's their choice, so I let them get on with it.

[lovemyalfa]

Thanks BBN. Of course I'm not going to make them move, I haven't even mentioned it since I first suggested it and got flamed by my DM. That doesn't stop me from being frustrated with them and worrying that they are not looking ahead and taking steps to get comfortable before my DM's illness really gets a grip.
Maybe staying put will be beneficial for my mother, in emotional terms, but practically any building work will exacerbate her condition (she has COPD) and place all the stress on my dad. Like the earlier poster, she has grand ideas but wants / needs others to see it through so all of the work and hassle will fall on my DF and I feel she is being very unfair towards him given his own health.

[BackforGood]

I'm amazed how many people think it's none of the OPs business. Very often people - all of us, not just our elderly parents - benefit from having people talk about aspects of our lives and getting to hear about pros and cons of things that hadn't occurred to us, when we are talking about fairly major decisions. The work that the OP's Mum is talking about is quite an upheaval and would take a toll on any of us. A lot of people do it because they know they will reap the benefits over the next 10 - 20 years, however, OP's Mum has said herself she won't be capable of living independently in a couple of years time. Of course, ultimately it's a decision for both her parents to make, but they will make a better one with all the information available to them.

[HazleNutt]

Yes would be reasonable. But it's their life, their house, their money. We have similar story with PILs, they have a massive old farmhouse, 10 rooms, 3 floors. They are elderly and have serious difficulties even using the other floors as the stairs are so steep and narrow, not to mention all the work the old house needs. Of course it would make sense for them to move to a modern comfortable bungalow. But they won't and that's their decision, nothing we (or you) can do.

[HansieMom]

You could do some research and find some comfortable, suitable properties. All modern, bathrooms that are handicap accessible, the whole house handicapped accessible with wider hallways, a counter you can roll up to. Also it could have other lovely features to make it appealing to most people. Maybe a view, a lake nearby to walk around, top notch kitchen, close to public transit, just lots of goodies. Then take your parents on a tour so they fall in love with the place.

[JustFabulous]

I think it is your dad's turn to get what he wants. Has he said at any point in the last 27 years that he wants to move or just said "I don't like this house"?

Your mum can want or demand all the upgrades she wants but your dad doesn't have to agree to it.

YANBU to think your parents should sell up and move but you owe them both the courtesy of listening to them without trying to force either one into doing anything.

[CaptainVonTrapp]

tbh on the face of it, 25k of renovation on a 4 bed detached house sounds reasonable. Why do you feel the house isn't worth it? I agree that having work done is a huge stress but then so is moving house. Especially if you don't want to.

I don't think YABU to have your own idea about what you would do if you were in your DM's shoes. My feeling would be like her, to live in my family home for as long as possible - if I could afford it (and presumably they can).

Clearly what you would do is totally different but of course its not you. And I think you are being U to try and impose what would be your lifestyle choices on her.

Perhaps you will say this is about your DF's needs but they are a couple and this is something they'll have to decide between them. Your OP is full of sympathy for him and concern for his money. Seems very biased in his favour, I wonder what they would both make on your perspective.