to not want to talk about my food intake

[FunnysInTheGarden]

with DH or anyone else for that matter? I have alway struggled with my weight, I have weighed anywhere between 8st 10 and 14st 11 in the last 20 years. I am now somewhere between the two, but hate discussing what I eat and why.

DH started to talk about food tonight and WW and I refused to talk about it simply because it just ends up with me being all defensive and ending up in an argument.

So AIBU or should I discuss more freely?

[FunnysInTheGarden]

oh BTW, I know I have issues, but like to solve them myself without the 'help' of other well meaning parties. They just wind me up....!

[Alibabaandthe80nappies]

YANBU. I refuse to discuss my weight, exercise, diet or anything remotely related with my parents for exactly the same reason.

[manicinsomniac]

YANBU

I understand totally how you feel.

I am very underweight and I know that my food intake is a problem. I find it astounding that any reasonably intelligent adult could think that I DON'T realise this. And why people assume that I want to talk about a problem just because it is visible is a mystery to me.

I hope you find a way to get people to leave you alone and to make peace with your own difficulties in your own time

[SolidGoldVampireBat]

Your weight, food intake and attitude to food are your business, not your H's. It's your body. However (and don't feel you have to answer on here) do you think it's possible that your eating is disordered, or has been in the past, and that your H is concerned that you are really ill? If you are binging and vomiting, that's unhealthy, if you are exercizing and eating next to nothing (like, an apple a day and no more) that's unhealthy, if food and eating consume nearly all your mental energy and you find mealtime a huge source of anxiety, then something is wrong and you should look into getting some help.

[FunnysInTheGarden]

thanks manic it really is something for me to sort out. Hope you sort out your too.

And Ali I would never ever discuss weight with my parents. They are both very thin really and have made 'fat' comments to me all of my adult life. Even when I was 9 stone, my mum would make disparaging comments about being well built. When I was 14.11 they were horrified, but in an odd way I felt like I had really rebelled!

[MerryMarigold]

I think 'people' and your dh are very different. I think you should be able to talk about it with your dh. I also think if you'd like to lose weight then there's no harm getting a little help with that. I do understand your reaction, as I would feel like that if dh 'brought it up' with me like that ie. 'hinting' that's he's not happy with me the way that I am. I'd just rather he openly said, "Look it would be nice if you could lose some weight. Do you think WW would help?". I'm sure I'd flip aand rant and rave. Then either do something myself or do something with WW. But in hindsight I'd be glad he talked about it, got it off his chest and it may motivate me a bit more than I am motivated right now! (Go on dh, please say something to me!!!)

[MerryMarigold]

So YABU and YANBU!

[FunnysInTheGarden]

thanks Solid, no not that bad at all. I eat very healthily but have a tendency to binge which I am working on. I do think about food a lot and am very careful about what I eat, but aforesaid bingeing puts paid to a lot of hard work! I am about a size 14/16 and 12.11 stone at 5.6. So not exactly massive, but could do with shedding a couple of stone.

And you are right it is my business. Generally and over 24 years, DH has really left me to it. Just recently though he has lost half a stone making him 12.6 at 5.11, so he is now nice and slim. I think it has focussed his mind on improving me!

[FunnysInTheGarden]

you see Merry that is how I felt this weekend when he started saying about it. I was quite glad as it gave me an incentive to stick to my diet. But the more he goes on, the more I think that he is rather disgusted with what he sees rather than wanting to help.

[TeacupTempest]

YANBU It seems like our whole culture is obsessed with food and weight.

[budgieshell]

I have no idea what weight I am. I eat what I like when I like. I am over weight. That is my answer to any question about diet and food. I sat and watched Shallow Hall this evening so I'm in a don't care mood.

Next week when I am looking for something to wear for the christmas do I may be desperate to shed the pounds, but hey that is only once a year.

[slavetofilofax]

Sorry, but it think it is your Dh's business too. You have shared your life with him and so it is reasonable that he should care about your health.

If you were on here saying that your dh wouldn't even let you mention him smoking without getting stroppy, everyone would sympathyse and realise that him not looking after his health affects you too. So he should be able to voice concerns about you being overweight. It has just as many detrimental health effects.

[WorraLiberty]

I agree with slave

If he's asking because he wants to try to support you, that's totally different to the way your Parents treated you.

Remember he chose to marry you because he loves you but perhaps your experience with your parents makes you suspicious of his intention?

[SolidGoldVampireBat]

Funnys, you're about the same size and shape as me by the sound of it (well within normal healthy range). I have a mother who has often commented on my weight and it gradually dawned on me over the years that she has tendencies towards disordered eating and projection (both telling me I was overweight and feeding me lots...). WRT your H, whether he is being fair or not might depend on how he brings up the issue. If it's constant 'You should/shouldn't eat...' or suggestions that what concerns him is whether or not he finds you attractive, by all means tell him to piss off. If it's 'Darling I'm worried that you have eaten a lot and vommed it up' then it's reasonable concern. And if it's 'Darling, let's both cop a few more salads and go swimming' then it is probably well-intentioned, if annoying.

[Casmama]

Sorry SGVB ut 12 st 11 at 5 ft 6 op has a bmi of 28.9 so is in the overweight category and not the healthy weight category. Funny, with the best will in the world, if your weight has fluctuated so dramatically over the last twenthy years then it sounds like you are not really dealing with your issues or not dealing with them effectively. Sorry if that sounds harsh.
Having recently just lost 2 1/2 stone (though working quite effectively at puting it back on) maybe your dh is just enthusisastic about losing weight and wants to help. If he has pretty much left you alone over the past 24 years then I think yab a little unreasonable that he has mentioned the fact that your weight has fluctuated by about 6 stone. Still doesn't mean that yabu in not wanting to hear it though.

[SolidGoldVampireBat]

Casmama: BMI is more MUB - Made Up Bullshit. It's as random as the alcohol-units-per-week figures. If a person can walk, run and dance without passing out s/he is healthy no matter what size s/he is. Often thin people are actually very unhealthy, particularly those who stay thin by substituting black coffee and fags for food, and taking no exercise.

As I said, I am around the same size as the OP - dress size 14/16, 5.6 tall, which is probably around 11 stone (have not weighed myself in years). I walked up and down hills and steps continously for 7 hours on Sunday, for 2 hours yesterday and 4 hours today. Could you do that?

[WorraLiberty]

Also, when people say it's not the DH's business...

Some partners do listen to their other half moaning about their own weight on an almost daily basis...constantly self loathing, self pitying, putting thinner people down, refusing to do activities they feel are restricted by their self image, suffering from depression related to their weight..etc etc

So if that partner takes an interest in their loved ones weight loss, (as long as it's a healthy interest and encouraging) I'd say it's very much their business because a whole life of that would wear me down and I would do anything within my power to help that person for my sake also...as selfish as that may sound.

If anything because it would lead to a better quality of life for everyone and not just the person who is over weight and unhappy about it.

If the overweight person is miserable about it, that misery can sometimes spread across the whole family, so it can often become the DP's business.

[squeakytoy]

BMI isnt total bullshit, but the online calculators are very ineffective and do not take into account fitness levels and build. Body Fat is a more accurate calculation, and if you are carrying too much of that, it isnt good for your long term health.

[EldritchCleavage]

OP, thanks for starting this thread, you've put into words a feeling I've had for a while.

My mother is a horror show about this. She is the thin daughter of an obese mother. She has just about managed to stop herself monitoring my food intake when I've put on weight (anyone want to be asked in a stage whisper at the dinner table in front of extended family if they really need that second helping?) but the slimming tips are almost worse.

Just tell him he needs to leave you to it (he is then entitled to point out that that also means not listening to you moan about it).

[MerryMarigold]

squeaky, how do you work out body fat? (I think I have a lot, even though I have naturally slim hips and skinny legs so I can hide it with leggings and big tops!).

[MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll]

OP my DH is obsessed with healthy eating and diet....and excersise...I was anorexic until my early 20s and anyone who'se been anorexic knows that it doesn't just go away. I am now 5.6 and around 11 stone which I feel is too big bt at least I can eat in front of people...my DH gves me advice all the tme and I want to tell him to eff off.

Because he didn't know me when I was 6 stone, he can't seem to compute that my diet an weight is very sensitive to me and I hate that he tells me to try giving up carbs and things.

I tell him why he needs to lay off but he still does it. He's a real gym bunny too...and he put somweight on last year buthas now lost it and I know he thinks I should too...it's hard.

[DesperatelySeekingPomBears]

DP and I are tubbies together and we love it. No one looks disapproving when you reach for one more chocolate, no one bats an eyelid when you have an extra roast potato, no one says 'do you really need that second helping of ice cream?'...

Sure, we're probably going to die a few years before those that eat healthily, but we'll bloody well enjoy the time we have here

[FunnysInTheGarden]

Thanks everyone. I don't mention weightloss or diets at all because I know that it is extremely annoying, esp if the person going on about being fat etc then does nothing to solve the problem. I do think that the best approach for me is to just avoid the whole subject. I am very sensitive about it, due to my parents attitude and most likely do take any constructive advice as critisism.

Incidentally SG DH's attitude is option number 3 from your list. It is annoying but also well intentioned. He is the kindest man in the world, but I think I have realised that I just can't discuss this issue rationally with anyone in RL.

Oh and talking about mothers and food, I am now watching my sister doing exactly what my mum did to us to her daughter. It's infuriating! My neice is beautifully slim, as was I at her age, but will no doubt think she is fat thanks to her mother. Grrrrrrrr

[aldiwhore]

FunnysInTheGarden I do understand why YOU don't want to discuss it, I've been many weights and sizes and finally found the secret to my own personal happiness when I took myself off to Slimming World on a whim without anyone suggesting it (always put me off to be honest).

BUT... you also have to consider the bigger picture (if you'll excuse the pun). My family may have been concerned about my weight (seeing me grow and grow) but it wasn't really until they saw how it affected me as a whole person that they started discussing it with me. What they saw was not a fat woman, but their much loved daughter/sister/wife/friend become a shadow, becoming depressed ALWAYS turning things down with lame excuses when the real reason was because I didn't have any confidence because of my weight issues. They saw me becoming very low. Because they loved me, they tried to help.

It didn't help, but I can understand where they were coming from. I like to sort things out myself for myself, but I wasn't and I was getting depressed, I had no spark and looking back it WAS too much to expect them to stay out of it. Would I have prefered they said nothing? At the time, yes. But actually had no one ever mentioned it, would they really have loved me liked I hoped they do?

If you see someone suffering, and you know why they are, then you'd have to be a little mean to say nothing surely?

YANBU to dislike these discussions. YABU to expect your loved ones to not bring it up at all. You say you know you have issues, your loved ones will know it too and are trying to help, so try to be a little forgiving.

One the bright side, after many years of searching I have found something that works for me, I'm in control, enjoying food more than ever (and cooking) with my food lovers 'diet', have lost 2 stone, and most importantly have a spark again, I'm me. My family don't mention it anymore, no long discussions, they stopped when I told them I'd joined a group, and didn't wish to discuss it for a while, I've lost 2 stone and done it myself (still have a long way to go) and my family have me back.

I wish you well, I know how tough it is and know that all the love in the world from family and friends doesn't help sometimes! You can only change things you can change, you have to learn to manage how you deal with the rest. x