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AIBU?

to think the newborn phase might actually be quite fun?! MARK TWO

51 replies

takethatlady · 29/07/2011 19:09

Hi everyone,

A few weeks ago I posted a thread on here asking for positive newborn phase stories, since so many people in RL kept telling me how bloody awful my life was going to be when my LO was born - not just that there'd be sleepless nights and endless feeding and all the rest of it, but that this would inevitably be a singularly miserable experience that would have me frazzled and a nervous wreck for weeks, if not months. I tried to make it clear in my original post that I wasn't expecting it all to be a barrel of laughs but just wanted some hope that it couldn't be that bad, could it?!

The response I got was mixed (as expected, of course) - lots of people did share glimmers of hope and positive stories, but some people also continued to be quite negative, telling me to 'manage my expectations' and implying that I was naive at best (and offensive at worst). A couple of people suggested that hatred of your DP comes as standard. And some asked me to come back once I actually had a newborn, so (almost) four weeks into motherhood, here I am.

I want to prefix what I'm about to say with the caveats that: 1) I very much agree (and always agreed) with the posters who said every baby is different. Just because I happen to have had a good experience this time I know it doesn't mean I will next time or that everybody else does or should; 2) I know that the fact that I have had a good time as a new mother is more down to luck than judgment - I am not here to gloat! (In any case, I'm only four weeks in to a lifetime of parenting and it would be pretty foolhardy to count my chickens now!); 3) (and this one is important) my baby is healthy and generally of a good temperament. She sleeps and eats. I know that lots and lots of babies are not healthy, or have health issues which worry their parents immensely, or do not sleep or feed well, and that this can be traumatic. So again, I realise how lucky I am. I don't think that the newborn phase IS fun or that it SHOULD be fun. All I want to say to anyone about to become a new parent is that it CAN be fun, some of the time, and that nobody should have to feel guilty for saying so!

SO - firstly, I don't hate my DH. He was incredible at the birth and has been incredible ever since - supportive and encouraging of me, loving towards our DD, and lovely to be around and to learn to be a parent with. In this, again, I know I am very lucky. But whatever people say, it is NOT inevitable that you will hate your partner. In my case, pregnancy and birth/new motherhood have exacerbated everything I already felt for him - he has made me feel safe and happy and I feel closer to him than before. Perhaps if I had had doubts about him those too would have been exacerbated.

And (here goes) I have found being a new mum fun, and from what I know of other new mums, this is often (though of course not always) the case. Every day is filled with firsts -first bath, first trip to the doctors or the cafe, first time BFing goes without a hitch, first go in the buggy, first visits from family and friends. When things go right (and of course they don't always go right) it is lovely - when your DD weighs a pound more than her birth weight two weeks after she's born and you realise that the sleepless nights of feeding have paid off, or when you get her down to sleep and manage to have a shower or watch your favourite programme on TV or to slurp a glass of wine. I find it quite funny now that people told me to 'manage my expectations', as if hoping I would enjoy some aspects of motherhood was naive: in fact, I had no expectations - just hope that we would all get through the first few weeks alive! I fully expected sleepless nights and crying (from her and me) and cracked nipples, etc, and have managed not to put any pressure on myself or DH to get things 'right' - just to manage to do things at all is enough! And I think that has helped me to do nothing but enjoy getting to know my beautiful new daughter and discovering that I am actually capable of being a mother.

So, once again, I really don't want to suggest that I have done anything special to enjoy this period of my daughter's life, or that anybody else is doing anything wrong if they don't - there are a million variables and every baby and every situation is different (as lots of people said on the other thread), and if my DD was poorly or inconsolable a lot of the time I know that my experience would have been very different. But I think it is unfair that people are so quick to suggest that, just because they had a bad time, everybody else inevitably will too. It's like anything - ups and downs, and worse for some people than others with no rhyme or reason. But if you're pregnant and reading this, I just want to say it really is possible, if not inevitable, that you will have the time of your life with your newborn baby and being part of a new family :)

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justaboutWILLfinishherthesis · 29/07/2011 19:11

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Baileysismyfriend · 29/07/2011 20:02

Congratulations on your little one, I had a fab time when my DS was born and am due next one in a week so am really excited about having all those special moments again.

I have never heard that you are meant to hate your DH, wasn't my experience at all!