to have lost all motivation for my career after having my DS's?

[ilikeyoursleeves]

I don't know if this is the right board but I am just wondering if this is normal or if anyone else feels like this?

I have 2 DS's, DS1 3.5 years and DS2 20 months old. I returned to work last summer after my mat leave with DS2, to a new job. It's a very high pressured job with huge responsibilities, one that at first I was looking forward to, but now I have just lost all zest and motivation for it. I work part time and I when I am at work I just wish I was at home with my boys. I just keep thinking I wish I could win the lottery so I didn't need to work and could have more babies and just be with them.

My brain seems to have turned to complete mush, I studied hard over many years and have 2 degrees to get me where I am today in this job. However, I feel I know nothing, that I blag my way through each day and that I will be found out as a fraud one day. I am meant to know all this theory and blah blah but TBH, I don't know anything! (well I do know some things but loads of stuff I know that I don't know it). I keep meaning to read up on things I need to know at night but I'm so knackered from either being at work or being with the boys that I can't be arsed.

I just have zero motivation and don't know how to get it back! Help!

[batsintheroof]

bump

[kbaby]

Nah,

I'm the same tbh. I worked really hard to get the job I have and used to love it. I thrived on the pressure and the variety of each day. After having DD I still enjoyed it but since having DS and going back part time I spend my drive to work every day wishing I had won the lottery. I so wish I could be a sahm. I dont dislike my job but I just go through the motions. I feel that i'm not good at it and wonder how i've done it for 10 yrs. I can see all the younger more motivated staff looking so eager and positive and I remember when I was like it. I wish I had that energy back.

Ive just put it down to my priorities changing. Back then if I wasnt in work what would I have done with the time, plus my friends and social life revolved around work. Now my friends revolve around the school mums and my brain is always full of homework, pe days etc. I guess its just the way life goes. Maybe when theyre older Ill find the enthusiasm again :)

[washnomore]

No answers, but I can really identify. I'm on my second ML and can't be arsed with going back. Not helped by colleagues keeping me abreast of the ongoing problems there. Shame I can't afford not to return.

[batsintheroof]

Ok well if no-one else is going to post then.....

Pls don't lose confidence, many many people feel like this,it's called imposter syndrome!

If it is the stress which is making you find work hard, can you not try to get another job (i know i know simple unhelpful question....)

RE learning about stuff. Why not try to set yourself one very small target a day e.g. read a couple of pages of a book. Don't try to do much at first, you'll just get into the habit eventually and it'll come.

Your children are very young. If you stick at it you may feel better in another year or two. If, on balance, you feel it's the actual job that makes you unhappy now, I'd be thinking about alternatives

good luck (know im not probs much help!)

[batsintheroof]

:)

[poochela]

Sames! I couldn't give a toss about clinical governance or directorate stuff any more. YAWN to that since I had my dd 5.7 and ds 4.5 tis all very dull now and, in fact, have now left for pastures new.

[MerryMarigold]

I think you're trying to attract Xenia. Wait till she gets her hands on you!

On a more serious note. I know people who have gone back to different jobs after kids as priorities and 'drive' etc. can become very different to what they were before.

Good luck! If I were you, I'd downsize my house/ move to cheaper area and work less/ different job/ no job. You don't want to regret these precious years. Xenia will not agree with me!

[Ozziegirly]

I'm a lawyer and was doing really well in my career. I'm now 8 months into maternity leave and I never ever think about my job - I have no desire to go back AT ALL. I love spending time with my DS and bringing him up and want another baby in the next couple of years.

I am a feminist's nightmare and honestly I don't care!

Funnily enough before I went on maternity leave I used to bleat on about how it was so important that babies knew that their mums weren't just mums and they weren't the centre of the world and now I just look at his jolly little face and I honestly relish every second I spend with him. I love being a mum so much more than I thought I would and I feel, for me, that going back to work would be horrible as someone else would get to have all the fun with him.

[Concordia]

well, i felt the same as you on going back, after DC2 and left after 8 months when she was 20 months and DS was 3y10m, so similar ages to yours now.
i had a much ignored course to finish which i have been doing part time and get to take DC1 to school and collect him and spend more time than i would do with DC2. i think without the course i would be going a bit bonkers to be honest but wouldn't dare admit that to dh as i convinced him to let me give up work.
i had studied for 7 years to get my job and worked in it for 10. i had always enjoyed it but the driving that was involved, long days and the politics and bureaucracy were seeming very pointless, i had barely noticed them before. we were also sick all the time, i think with bugs from DD's nursery.
the break is doing me good although 12 months in, i am starting to think about doing some locum work in a few months.
i was usually the main wage earner and having a massive mortgage relative to your income so that you can't buy ice creams or give your children swimming lessons is not much fun either.
i guess there are pros and cons.
i had definitely lost my confidence a bit too. part fo that was being so damm tired i think. i am hoping that as my children get older my confidence will return.
i don't really have a solution. am hoping when i do go back the break will have done me good (if i can ever get a job).
i guess after stopping i have realised that i did quite like work, it's just that working with a 1 year old was not the best in our case for me or her (no judging of other people, it's just how it was for us as a family)

[Concordia]

it felt hard increasingly hard at work to prove i was committed when i didn't feel it. i had never had to do that before as had always loved my job. think when i go back i will be more committed as it will be an active choice.

[DoodleAlley]

You're not alone or unusual. I too am a lawyer. I am by nature very competitive and ambitious but, over a year into being back at work I still lack the drive I used to. I think I also find it harder being a part timer. Not only us it more difficult to keep updated but I think it's easier to be motivated about something that's a bigger part of your life. And office politics, fir example, seem less pressing when your only there a few days a week and negotiating with colleagues seems laughable on comparison with negotiating with a two year old!!!

[DoodleAlley]

Sorry for all the typos - am useless at typing on my phone!!

[harpsichordcarrier]

You are not alone.
I was a lawyer too but I chose to give it up for five years to look after my children myself full time. It was a very very good decision for me (although we were very poor! But who cares about money, really. Life is a long game and the time I spent with my girls at home has a price above rubies.)
I have retrained as a teacher and I work part time (4 days) - I find this gives me a better work life balance. You need to find your own equilibrium. The key is not to think about what other people think like your family, your friends, the expectations of society or your colleagues or even- god help you - some random people on the internet and try and access what would give you the best outcome for your happiness and the happiness of your family in the short, medium and long term. If you have no motivation, then maybe it's time to stop worrying about getting it back and just move on with new choices that you can you get motivated about.
good luck :-)

[Quattrocento]

Three points to make here:

1. You are giddy in love with your DCs. They are tots. This is natural and will mature
   

1. Motivation is not constant. It goes up and down and one thing you learn in your career is to manage the downs
   

1. You do not want to wake up in five years' time, when the DCs are at school and growing away from you to find you've pissed your hard won career up a tree
   

You can do it all, but you have to balance it. Good luck

[catzcream]

I would make a few points here:

Have you spoken to your boss about your lack of motivation? Is this simply about not enjoying your job anymore as opposed to actively wanting to be at home with your boys? The fact is that juggling work and kids (even part time) is hard work. To make it work, I think you really need to enjoy your work because the reward you get makes it all worthwhile.

Aside from staying at home, is there another role in the company that you would like to do? A challenge that would excite you and motivate you? If you are stuck in a rut, then the onus is on you to see what you need to do to get that motivation back.

In this current climate, I think anyone who has a job needs to get their head down and stick with it. I count myself as extremely lucky to have a good job that allows me to balance my work/ home life. I dont think anyone would turn down a lottery win to give them more life choices, but you have to be realistic. It is most likely not going to happen, so you need to face reality and make your situation work for you. You have to figure out what it is that will remotivate you. Because, reading your OP, right now it isnt an option to give up your job and stay at home with you boys. Am I right?

I dont mean to come across as 'suck it up' so to speak. But you are in control of your career. You need to identify what you need from your job (more training?, career development) and try and get your company to support you in this. The only person who can get their motivation back for you is you. It's all in your head and how you view it.

IMO - getting the option to work P/T when you have a family is fantastic. Dont look at your glass as half empty, view it as half full.

Good luck.

[Skeptical]

I am in exactly the same boat OP. Currently on Mat leave and don't want to go back to a high pressure job. A nice easy part-time job would be lovely. Priorities change, although I never thought I would say that!

[exoticfruits]

I don't think that it is at all unusual. How can a career match up to the joy of DCs? Just enjoy it. As they get more independent you will get it back-but maybe not to the same extent. Priorities change.

[jellybeans]

'I just wish I was at home with my boys'
Then could you SAH instead?
I did and haven't regretted it.

[Spudulika]

YANBU.

Actually one thing which contributed to my decision to have three children was so I had an excuse for being unambitious at work.

God knows what I would have done had I not been able to have a family.

Would have ended up being labelled a 'flakey wastrel' instead of 'dedicated mum'.

[Spudulika]

Should have added that I changed careers after I had my second. I retrained in a job which was absorbing and requires very little mundane or brain-taxing work, and can be done part-time.

I'd recommend reviewing your options and see if you can find something else to do which floats your boat, so it doesn't feel too much like 'work', more like 'me time'.

[fartblossom]

When I left Uni, I worked in an office and enjoyed it. I did have a great job when I was PG with DS (now 6). I was planning to have DS go back to work and get some accounting qualifications to go onwards and upwards in my job. Unfortunately the company couldnt send me on a course at that time, but I was happy to wait. I had a couple of promotions and then got PG with DD (now 3). I was so looking forward to leaving work and spending some quality time with my 2 DC's. While I was off with DD they moved my department 200 miles away. I took voluntary redundancy.

I decided then that I didnt want to go back to that type of job and started looking at customer service work. I did have the odd temp jobs in offices and this christmas I got a full time temp job in a well known store. I now have a permanent contract only working sats. However, I am PG with DC3 and have decided in my mind to go back to office work next year.

Im glad this thread has been started as I have lost all motivation for the accounts work I did before so went to the easier option of shop work. I have decided to go back to office work as the hours will be better for me. With shop work I will either have to start early every morning or finish late every night therefore missing out on those parts of the days (ie breakfast/getting ready for school and bedtime) with the kids. Im actually looking forward to next year now and getting back into the office world (plus the money is generally better)

Hope you figure something out.

[ineedagoodsolicitor]

You could be me except, my dc are older. (Things get even harder once they start school, yes you save childcare costs but they need more of your time)

I took just 10 weeks maternity leave with each child in order to keep the career going.

I am, quite frankly, a liability in the workplace as memory capacity massively reduced by non-supportive husband (currently divorcing) and being solely responsible for all things domestic.

I am very stressed and at times can't stop myself exhibit slightly odd behaviour which, being at management level, I recognise as that of a stressed worker. The recession is magnifying problems, job losses, pay freezes, unhappy staff all round etc and I can't turn to my family as mostly they are abroad and they disapprove of the divorce situation and are treating me as though I've let them down, appearances are important to them. Friends are supportive of the divorce but I can't bring myself to discuss the work side of things with them too as I am embarrassed about my performance as I've always been seen as the one who coped with part-time career/full-time mum role. (Many of my working friends who had children opted for one or the other/dropped to a lower level of responsibility (and pay naturally) and marvelled at me working at such a high level still). I don't want to out myself as a fraud as I know it will damage my earning ability which I now need more than ever due to the divorce.

I crave sleep all the time even though I get 7-8 hours a night, I think I'm probably depressed as I have lost all interest in doing anything but the minimum as far as personal appearance is concerned or going anywhere/doing anything unless it is for the children's benefit. I take no pleasure in anything except food/sleep/watching TV.

I'm trapped. If I were not divorcing I'd probably jack it all in and declare I want to be there more for the dc but if I step down the career/pay ladder for a better work/home life balance the timing is such that it will be seen as doing it deliberately to try and get more money from h as part of the divorce settlement. If I do it after the divorce the dc and I will need to get used to a whole different lifestyle to that which they currently enjoy.

Sorry, this has turned into a personal whingefest on my part.

What I really want to advise is that you tackle the problem, involving your dh/family/employer as appropriate before you dig youself as far into a hole as I have.

[SugarPeaSnap]

Spudulika that sounds like the ultimate job. What is it?? Will you spill the beans????

Oh, and OP YANBU at all.

[DoodleAlley]

Ineedagoodsolicitor your story sounds so sad. I don't have any advice I'm afraid. I only work part time and have a supportive husband but still find it stressful, never feeling like I do either role well.

If you don't mind I'd really appreciate more of your perspective on older children. I'd always assumed that once they go to school they need you less but your post seems to suggest the opposite.

I saw my dad suffer from stress all my childhood and I don't want DS to see the same happen to me, I don't want it to happen to me. We'd be stretched massively if I left my job but might manage thru losing car etc but one of my main concerns is that as soon as DS gies to work I won't be needed.

So your perspective would be really helpful. Sorry to go off at a tangent.

[haggis01]

I felt this way too. I had worked really hard to get promoted up at an early age in my profession and was proud of myself - but once I had a child - that was it - no interest in the work - just get it done, get the money and rush home. Became a SAHM after dd2 and remained so for another 3 children. They do still need you when they get big - in some ways more when they are teens. I like being around when they get home to talk to them ,find out about their day, discuss concerns etc. We did take a big financial hit by not having two incomes - limited house type, location etc no foreign holidays etc and by not keeping up a bit with my profession- I find that I am now 15 years down the line virtually umemployable (I should have done some freelance work when offered it along the way).