To still be angry and upset?

[SquishyBumsMum]

(sorry this is so long)
I gave birth 6 months ago to my beautiful and healthy DS, the birth was horrible, and terrifying and no one has ever taken this seriously apart from DP.

Basically my waters broke at 39 weeks after a sweep that was given because of worries about my sky-rocketing blood pressure. On the first call to the hospital they told me to stay at home and not call again until contractions were coming thick and fast even though I'd been told by my midwife (who was now out of the country) that I would need to be monitored because of my blood pressure from the minute contractions started.

So after about 12 hours my DP took me in anyway because I was in pain and stressing myself out because I thought I should be monitored. The midwives were extremely annoyed that we'd shown up but checked me anyway and found that DS's heartbeat was erratic and my blood pressure was extremely raised. They then proceeded to tell me off because I should have demanded monitoring and my waters breaking early meant a risk of infection, I felt like crying. So they monitored me for a couple of hours, things calmed down and they sent me home, telling me to come back when either my contractions were coming more often or it had been 24 hours since my water had broken.

24 hours came first so we called and they reluctantly let us come in only to find my blood pressure raised so they put me in the ward while they found a consultant. On the ward I was never once checked for dilation as the ancient machine couldn't pick up the contractions I could most definitely feel.
Eventually they took me to the labour ward to get me on a drip and induce me. A very lovely midwife checked me, found that I was 6cm dilated and was horrified that no one had yet checked my cervix.

However she soon went home when the shifts changed and I got a midwife who had never worked in this hospital before she was just helping out. She put the drip in so badly that it tissued and instead of delivering the drugs/IV fluid into my vein it went straight into soft tissue making my arm swell up and go numb. She then got someone else to put it in my other arm who tutted at the "botch job" as she put it of her colleague.

At this point she gave instructions as to when the dosage should be increased, once she left my midwife ignored this and cranked it up saying "let's get this going a bit quicker". My contractions then came so fast that there was no break in between them, and I ended up having to have an epidural because I was getting too stressed and my blood pressure again went up.

After about 3-4 hours of being on the drip my DP noticed that the babies heartbeat had slowed down a lot and mentioned that no one had examined me so the MW had a look and just said.. "there's babies head..."
At this point she panicked, ran into the corridor and within 2 minutes the room had 8 people in it, and a massive machine which I was told was to resuscitate DS if I managed to push him out. A doctor quickly appeared and told them it was too late, I'd have to be taken to theatre.

At this point DP lost it and just told them to give me a chance. With two massive pushes and some tearing DS was born, blue, with a cord around his neck. He was fine within a couple of minutes and wailing nicely.

Ok so I know it all ended up ok, but I lost feeling in my arm for about 3 weeks due to the messed up IV which contributed to my extreme difficulty in breast feeding and no one from the hospital ever acknowledged that the 39 hours from waters breaking to birth was a complete comedy of errors.

I was also then sent up to the ward, still unable to feel my legs properly and when I asked for help to walk to the bathroom was just told they were too busy and I'd have to cope, which led to me falling over halfway down a corridor and unable to get up again.

So AIBU to still feel angry and upset about this? Yes it all ended up ok, but I feel like so many things could have gone wrong because of their negligence.

[SquishyBumsMum]

Bloody hell, this is an essay, sorry!

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

you are most definitely not being unreasonable. That sounds horrific - poor you.

I don't want to sound facetious but you really should write a complaint letter or something.

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

YANBU. I wonder if there is someone you can complain to? I'm sorry you had such a bad experience.

[Joolyjoolyjoo]

YANBU- That sounds horribly stressful, and I can see why you are still upset. I think you should write a letter to the hospital trust outlining your experience. No, it won't change what happened, but it might make you feel you have a direction for your anger and upset, and it could mean that they review the way they do things.

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience, but congratulations on your DS.

[AgentZigzag]

You're definately not being unreasonable to still be upset and angry, it's sounds really traumatic.

Perhaps you should complain, not only might it make you feel better somebody hearing what happened, but it might stop it happening to other parents.

[Maylee]

Doesn't sound great but women have been through worse during labour.

Perhaps you should write a letter to your NHS trust telling them about your experience in the hope they might investigate and ensure it doesn't happen again.

I think to still feel upset about it is a bit unreasonable - you're fine, your baby's fine presumably?).

What do you want them to do?

[jinxediam]

i'm so sorry you had to go through this

I had an extremely traumatic birth with DS1 and have always vowed to write a letter to the hospital concerned. Your experience sounds so similar to mine I cried reading it.

I would seek some counselling and also write a letter of complaint to the hospital copying in as many people as you can.

My experience was 4 years ago and I still feel very affected and angry with what happened to me.

Hospitals can't improve unless they have feedback. Sadly the place where I had DS1 is still churning out horror stories and I really wish i'd gotten around to writing that letter sooner.

Have a very 'unmumsnetty' hug x

[nickelbabysnatcher]

AYNBU.
that sounds horrific.
would it help to write it all in a letter and send it to the hospital?

[nickelbabysnatcher]

YANBU - sorry i can't tpye.

[Hardandsleazy]

Agree yanbu- also I think you can ask for a birth debrief (although not sure I would rush back to hospital ) to help cope. A friend had it when she had a Bad time ( not as hideous as this) and helped
Her deal with having no2 much better.

Also I think there should be a birth debrief topic as it doenst fit as I think sadly there are all too many stories like this or p
Other post birth issues that need a proper place to be aired.

[worraliberty]

Sounds very similar to the birth of my 2nd DS except after all the calamitys (far too many to mention) the idiot trainee.. who nearly killed him by pushing him back up my birth canal and telling me to push.. without checking the cord was round his neck (it was)...ended up putting on a form that she had delivered a girl instead of a boy

The HV turned up ten days later with a pink book...sure my son was female and it took us months of communications to have his details changed on the central register.

My next was a home birth

[jinxediam]

Maylee how can you say that the OP feeling upset is unreasonable??? Sounds like the standard of 'care' was non exisistant and she was left at the hands of uncaring professionals.

I had DS2 at a different hospital and the care and experiences couldnt have been more different - that was soley down to the expertise of the staff.

You will find that by writing the letter and allowing yourself to feel all of these emotions will help you deal with what has happened and move on.

[Lulumama]

maylee.. that's the wrong way to look at it
the OP was not looked after properly, her care was not appropriate IMO and she was given conflicting advice. she was hurt during her labour by the botched IV which had weeks long consequences..

so, yes, teh baby is fine, but the OP is not is she?

I would suggest 2 main things - contacting the hispital to have a birth debrief, going through your notes and making a formal complaint re your care

and then contacting a group such as the birth trauma association or birth crisis to talk things through

birth is not a competition, so waht if someone else had it worse.. this is teh OPs experience and she is allowed to be distressed by it

the worse thing pretty much you can say to a woman who's been through a traumatic birth is, 'well, as long as the baby's ok/your're ok'

it is do dismissive

[baskingseals]

op - poor poor you.

i had an horrific first birth.
an okay second, but i was so upset by the first one i freaked out.

when i was pregnant for the third time, i finally admitted to my midwife that i was terrified of giving birth, she was lovely and i saw a counsellor who really really helped me.

I wonder if it might be helpful for you to see somebody about your experience?

I think that you can phone the hospital and talk about your birth with a midwife.

In the meantime keep talking it through with your dp. Get it out. You are absolutely not being unreasonable, giving birth can be both the best and worst of times.

[Maylee]

I said I thought she was being a bit unreasonable to still be upset.

I did also suggest she wrote a letter to the NHS Trust to ensure that they investigate and that this doesn't happen again.

I also asked a genuine question about what she wants them to do now - an apology, compensation, assurances that this will never happen again, etc. It wasnn't clear from the OP whether she was just looking for comfort form MN or advice on what to do.

Why is she 'not ok' now? If she is traumatised then she should seek counselling (but again, unclear from the OP whether this is the kind of advice she is looking for).

[bluejeans]

Maylee you have the same attitude as my health visitor!

I had a similar experience to the OP and the HV said at her 10-day visit when I told her about the birth 'well, she's (my DD) not disabled so it doesn't matter as it's all in the past now' - adding guilt of not appreciating my healthy baby to everything else I was feeling. Not helpful at all and actually I think quite damaging as it stopped me acknowledging how affected by the birth I was for a long time

OP - sorry about your experince. Lots of good advice on here. I hope it helps you to get through this. Congrats on your DS

[Lulumama]

if she was ok, would she still be feeling upset/angry?

i don't think that a timescale on birth trauma should exist.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I'd be upset as well. What a horrible experience that has obviously left a cloud over what should have been a joyful time. I'd most definitely write a very strongly-worded letter of complaint at the very least.

[SquishyBumsMum]

Thankyou so much, the support means a lot.
I tried to talk to the midwives in hospital at the time and they basically took the view that I was being a precious first timer and everything had been done fine.

Maylee I know people have been through worse, and I am so, so grateful that I have a healthy baby, and that nothing worse happened. I'm still upset because it was never taken seriously or even acknowledged by anyone that everything wasn't perfect. They made it out like I was just being a whiny bitch.

I really do want to write a letter but after the initial responses in person I had, I just didn't want yet another person being patronising and dismissive. Guess I have to though, care like that (or rather the lack of it) just shouldn't happen IMHO.

[SquishyBumsMum]

Maylee I also don't want compensation etc just an apology maybe or some kind of admission that they did mess up a bit and reassurance that this isn't their usual standard of care.

[Maylee]

Ok, I fear I'm digging a bigger hole here.....but....my point is that is in the past now, however if she is not ok, then she needs to do something about it (counselling, letter of complaint, etc).

It's not great that she had this experience (I said that in my original post) but she needs to do something about it rather than dwell on it.

That's all I'm saying (not very articulately I admit)

[jendot]

Op I had a very similar exp with ds1

I didn't complain, Im not one to make a fuss!

With ds 2 I chose a different hospital and had a very very different experience.

Personally for me I'm a been and gone kind of person..if I didn't make a fuss about it and the time then it is in the past and I am able to move on. It would stress me more going back over it etc
If you can't 'move on' then you need to complain, petition etc until you do feel able to move on.

No woman should have to go through what we have...but actually my children are healthy and I am fine and to me thats the most important thing ever.

[Maylee]

Squishy that makes sense (and sorry if I came across as unsympathetic). You should write that letter.

[spiderlight]

:o You poor poor thing!! I would most definitely write a strong letter to the Trust - that sort of treatment is appalling. My friend had a similarly horrific experience a few years back and it left her suffering from post-traumatic stress for many months and in need of counselling. It's awful that this sort of thing is still happening.

[SquishyBumsMum]

Don't worry Maylee I understand what you're getting at. It's one of those things that's been bothering me since he was born but I just kept thinking "He's ok, I'm ok, forget it".
But then everytime someone asks if we'll be having any more, I find myself feeling a bit panicky and start thinking about the birth.
Now I just think, I have to write to them and have a big old bitch at them to get it off my chest and so I can know that I did something if only writing a letter.
I mean no one ever even checked my stitches, it just seemed like they couldn't be bothered.