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AIBU?

to have told DS to not bother with this "friend" anymore?

32 replies

superv1xen · 15/02/2011 17:59

DS is 4.10. today, just after school we nipped into the shop across the road from his school. its always busy in there at school run times and there were lots of children in there.

while we were queuing there was a boy with his mum behind us. i shall call him "Tyler" for the purposes of thir post. DS clearly knew "Tyler" from school, so he waved and said a cheery "hello!!" to him. "Tyler" sneered back in his face at him "I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND DS!!!!" really spitefully :( ds's poor little face looked crestfallen, and i was embarassed for DS because there were loads of kids from his school there who saw and heard it :(

my face was like this>> at his rudeness, all DS had done was say hello "Tyler's" mum half heartedly said, "oooh don't be horrible" to her son. i have to admit to giving her and her son daggers. if DS had spoken so meanly to another child, especially for NO reason, i would have pulled him up sharply and told him off properly.

when we left the shop (and was out of earshot of the mother) i said to DS, is "Tyler" your friend, and he said yes, I said, well do you know what DS, friends don't speak to friends like that, i wouldn't bother with him again. and told him the boy was nasty and spiteful and not worth being friends with.

i think i am a bit over sensitive when it comes to things like this, i was bullied at school and struggled making friends etc, and i am scared my DC will be the same, so i am always wanting to make sure they are popular. and i still wish i had stood up to the people who bullied me, i always want my DC to stand up to people, ie, in this case, kind of screw you then, i don't want to be YOUR friend either.

do you think i shouldn't have said anything to DS, perhaps was just that "tyler" was having an off day but doubt it as he looked a nasty little thug

OP posts:

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scurryfunge · 15/02/2011 18:01

I would let them sort it out. Your son will realise soon enough if Tyler is a friend or not.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 15/02/2011 18:03

I would have done the same.

actually, I HAVE done the same.

When children are horrible to my kids, I say something along the following lines "Some people are not nice. If someone is not nice to you, they are not your friend. Just ignore them."

and one child was so horrible to my eldest that I told my son to never even try to speak to him again.

I will never let my kids waste time on people who treat them badly.

I did all that as a child. Big mistake.

Kerrianne · 15/02/2011 18:04

Maybe your son did something/said something to upset the boy at school?

SenoritaViva · 15/02/2011 18:05

You are being very protective, probably as a result of your own experience.

'Tyler' is also only small, children change and develop. If it had been me then I might have said to DS 'that is not how we speak and was not a nice thing to say' rather than Tyler is bad. I'd also have told him to tell a teacher if Tyler said mean things at school. At this age children can be 'mean' it does not mean they are terrible people, just exploring and discovering their world - sometimes at the expense of others, so hard as a parent. However, I agree that if my DC had spoken like that I would have had strong words and his mother's reaction is probably not going to eliminate this behaviour quickly.

I can see where you're coming from but perhaps you took it a bit far. Rather focus on the behaviour, not the child.

superv1xen · 15/02/2011 18:05

brilliant hecate :o wish i had have said that! in full earshot of his mother

and this

is me too. :(

OP posts:

traceybath · 15/02/2011 18:07

I'd have done the same but whilst in the shop would probably have made some comment about the little boy not being terribly kind.

superv1xen · 15/02/2011 18:08

kerrianne possible, but knowing DS, highly unlikely, i know we all think the best of our own DC but honestly, DS is so quiet and gentle, he couldn't be horrible if he tried. in fact sometimes i think he is too sensitive and gentle as it makes him a pushover sometimes.

OP posts:

Vallhala · 15/02/2011 18:10

I'd have done the same and agree entirely with Hecate.

lovenamechange100 · 15/02/2011 18:13

Yep Hecate is spot on

Kerrianne · 15/02/2011 18:13

Perhaps he didn't try to upset him but in some way he might have?

I don't know but I do think that you're taking your own experience out on the little boy who said it. Like senorita said, children grow and change all the time. It's not like he called him a nasty name or anything.

Tabliope · 15/02/2011 18:23

I have told my DS over the years when people have said/done things like that people like that aren't your friends. Friends don't talk to you like that. Maybe it was a one-off with Tyler. I probably wouldn't say it straight away but if there was a pattern of nastiness I told my DS there's better friends out there and you don't need friends like that.

Frizzbonce · 15/02/2011 18:24

I think the mother of 'Tyler' was out of order here and I agree that had my child said something really hurtful to another child I would tell her off good and proper.

When my son went through a bad time at school I signed him up for karate lessons. Not so he could kick the crap out of the bully but to give him another peer group (it was out of school) to relate to and because martial arts properly taught gives children a calm confidence and focus they don't always get from other sports.

superv1xen · 15/02/2011 19:24

agree frizzbonce

i think unkindness is a horrible trait in anyone and if a child shows signs of it then it should be nipped in the bud. as in my experience, nasty kids turn into nasty adults.

re the karate, i am thinking of sending him to football lessons, he is showing signs of being interested in it. and think that might boost his confidence a bit, and create another social circle.

OP posts:

bupcakesandcunting · 15/02/2011 19:26

I would have punted "Tyler" into the baked goods section like a rugby ball.

bupcakesandcunting · 15/02/2011 19:27

Oh hi Super, didn't see it was you!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 15/02/2011 19:46

well, so would we all, bup, but we didn't like to say

bupcakesandcunting · 15/02/2011 20:08

I just say what everyone else is thinking

superv1xen · 16/02/2011 09:26

oh hi bups

think your advice is spot on

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daytoday · 16/02/2011 10:15

I would have commented about the boy not talking nicely. But I would not have said that he was therefore spiteful, especially if you only have once incidence to go on.

They are sooooo young and as you said, you don't know this child at all.

I would also find your reaction as a mother quite frosty. Most children of this age have 'bad' days, even if yours doesn't. I always give other kids the benefit of doubt first. The child might be lovely, the parent might be lovely. You could burn your bridges too soon.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 16/02/2011 10:21

I would probably have punted him into the baked beans too.
My DD is currently having 'issues' with a boy in her class. He constantly follows her around and 'playfully' punches her.
When she complained about his behaviour to the teacher, the teacher unhelpfully said that the boy probably fancied her .
She told me and my advice was to tell him to piss off. DD was reluctant in case she got into trouble.
coming out of school on Monday, said boy run up to my DD and tried to push her, she said the magic words and he ran over to me in anger. Once he'd finished complaining, I told him that my advice to my DD was exactly that. I then told him to piss of myself.

Hullygully · 16/02/2011 10:24

I say it to my dog as well. If some mad beast starts barking at her for no reason as we go by, I say, loudly, "Now just ignore the bad-tempered ill-mannered beast."

BendyBob · 16/02/2011 10:33

I would have said the same Superv1xen. Agree also with Hecate. I say similar to my dc.

I think sometimes there is too much emphasis on children not standing up to others who are unkind to them. Turning other cheek and being friends at any cost. Why? As adults we aren't forced to be friends with people who are mean to us. Why should dc?

HappySeven · 16/02/2011 10:53

My son is the same age and I've noticed that he and his friends have recently started saying "you're not my friend" to each other sometimes. It seems to be their way of saying "I don't like what you did" and doesn't really mean they don't like each other (within minutes they are playing together again as though nothing happened). My DS said it to me the other day after I'd told him off. He didn't mean it (I hope!) and I do try and stop him saying it to others and explain why.

I think you are being oversensitive but can understand why.

Kerrianne · 16/02/2011 10:56

They all have off days and in this case the children are just 4 years old. Not only that, but the OP thinks it's 'highly unlikely' her child upset him during the course of the school day. Quite how anyone could automatically draw the conclusion is beyond me.

Storm in an egg cup here I think!

superv1xen · 16/02/2011 13:33

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