to want my son to know he has a sister

[AuntiePickleBottom]

df does not have any contact with his daughter, but i want my son almost 5 to know about her.

we have a few pictures from when df had access, and 2 of ds and sd together.

ds today asked who the girl in the picture was, i gave the look to df to tell him the truth..but he said someone you used to play with.

i wanted him to say...it is your sister and i bu about this

[CarGirl]

YOu are right your df is wrong he's turning it into a big secret instead of a part of your collective history.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

It's not clear from your post if your fiance (I'm assuming that's what DF means in this context) is the father of your child?

[Acinonyx]

I think you are right. I didn't meet my sister and brother until I was 25. They will all be adults one day - and moreover - it's the truth.

[magicmummy1]

YANBU. I can understand waiting until the time is right to tell him, but if he saw the picture and asked who she was, it seems wrong to lie about it.

Younger children tend to be more accepting of stuff like this, and don't question things too deeply, so if you tell him now, hopefully he'll just accept it. If you don't tell him, and he finds out when he's older, he will almost certainly resent you both for not telling him earlier.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

DF's DD is only OP's DS's sister, if the OP's DF is the F of her DS.

[So many acronyms!]

[borderslass]

It is better for them to know when younger we didn't meet DH's son until he was 16 he didn't even know DH was his father.It causes all sorts of problems if they find out about siblings when their grown up.

[igetmorelovefromthecat]

It's a weird one...my kids have got a bit of a peculiar set up. DD1's dad had 2 kids before DD - the first he hardly ever sees and the second he never sees (both different mothers). DD1 has met the eldest one a couple of times but there is a 12 year age gap and they have never got to know eachother.

DD2's dad has another daughter as he was a sperm donor to some lesbian friends of his years before we got together, the deal was he would have nothing to do with the child, but it's odd to think her half sister is out there who she may never meet.

I wonder what will happen when they get to be adults...I guess it's not really my place to try and instigate any contact, that is down to ex DP and DP.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

We don't know that they're actually siblings!

Please, OP, clear this up!

[AuntiePickleBottom]

me and my partner have 2 chldren together, my partner has a daughter from a previous relationship.

i did not have children before i met my partner ( hopes this clears up any confusion)

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

We also need to know why the DF has no contact with his DD.

[AuntiePickleBottom]

why do you need to know why, it doesn't matter on why contact was stopped.

the fact that my son has a sister imo he should know this

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Thanks, AuntiePickleBottom, is your other joint DC too young to be interested in siblings?

[AuntiePickleBottom]

she is 17 months, so she would not understand.

i don't think there is a 'right' time to tell a child he/she has a sibling but if they ask they should be told the truth

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Well, if your DF was in some way abusive towards his DD, that might be a good reason to stop contact, and a good reason why her mother might have cut it off... and a good reason for you to review your relationship with him.

I'm not saying that's the case, but there are more people involved here than just you and your DC.

The joint parent here is your DF; the decision that his daughter (who has nothing to do with you) should be forced to have a relationship with half-sibs (of whom she may know nothing) is not yours.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

I'm sorry, that sounded rather harsh. But it's also true.

[AuntiePickleBottom]

wtf are you on about, my partner is not abusive he is a good father and a great partner.

[LoopyLoops]

There must be a reason why your partner feels this way about his daughter. If there is a good reason, it may or may not make sense for your children not to see her too, but without knowing the facts we can't really guess or give advice.

[LelloLorry]

I think OLKN said it all.

However, YANBU to want your DS to know he has a sister, YWBU to force the issue.

[mumbar]

woh rewind a bit. OP isn't mentioning contact just that he be told that the dd in the picture is daddies DD, his sister.

IMO yanbu.

[scarylooker]

My SIL was adopted and made contact with her birth mother a few years ago - the birth mother basically said she was very pleased SIL was well and happy but didn't wish to have further contact and that her two subsequent daughters had not been and would not be told of SIL's existence.

The birth mother has since died, and I just find it utterly heartbreaking that these two girls have no idea they have a half-sister living less than 10 miles away.

I know it's not the same situation, but IMO secrets and lies are very rarely for the best.

[AuntiePickleBottom]

it must be painful for him to talk about his daughter.

i really don't want to start slagging off his ex as imo it is not nice.

the courts approved perental responsbility and contact.

[edam]

You need to talk to your df and find out why he's so reluctant to have contact with his dd or tell your ds about her existence. You need to get to the bottom of this. Are you in touch with your df's family - if he won't explain, would his parents?

If he starts to justify himself by claiming his ex is the wicked witch of the west, you need to bear in mind that his ex may well tell a very different story ? and the truth may lie somewhere in between.

[edam]

Btw, it'd be difficult for a 5yo to process 'the person in this picture is your sister and no, Daddy never sees her'. Would leave him worrying about all sorts of things, such as 'will Daddy leave me'? Whole thing needs VERY careful handling.