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AIBU?

Should I expect DF to "babysit".

47 replies

theredhen · 17/09/2010 13:29

DF and I live together. I have 1 DS from previous relationship (aged 12). DS lives with us most of the time except when he visits his Dad.

DF has 4 DC, who live with us 2/3 days per week.

This weekend, we will be having DF's children here, but DS was due to visit his Dad.

I planned a girly lunch and visit to the cinema with a friend on Sunday. Really looking forward to it. DF will be taking his DS to football and 1 DD will be at a friends and the other 2 will either be with his parents or will go along with him. They will be home by midday at the latest.

Unfortunately my ex has now let me down with regards to having my son this weekend.

Having told DF this, he has not volunteered to "look after" my son while I stil go out with a friend and has said "it's a shame that I have to change my plans because of my ex".

Bearing in mind that quite often I will have his children while he is off out at work or taking one of the other to friends or a club etc., I also take them to school and to clubs (although he doesn't "expect" it) and also the fact that DF goes out with his mates (when his kids aren't around) a couple of times a month. I haven't been out once on my own since I moved in in June.

DF is very good and does pick DS up from school regularly (we live in the sticks) when I'm at work, and quite often, when I am not. He helps round the house and is always around for mealtimes, bedtimes when his kids are here.

DF has now suggested that us and the chidlren go out to lunch on Sunday and as I have had to cancel my plans or he has suggested that I take DS to the pictures with me.

AIBU to expect him to offer to have DS?

OP posts:

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TessOfTheBurbs · 17/09/2010 13:40

DF - fiance? So your DS is going to be his step-son? I think he should be a bit more graceful about it, not sure how he'd have to change his plans unless I'm missing something - can't your DS go with the other children?

nagoo · 17/09/2010 13:43

YANBU this set up sounds pretty strange, why can't your son just go with him and the other kids? I know that these things can be complicated, but he lives with your DS, so surely they must have enough of a relationship to spend the day together?

diddl · 17/09/2010 13:45

If they are home at midday, is that too late for you to go out then?

TBH I would expect that all the children should be treated as if they all jointly belong to both of you iyswim.

I couldn´t be with someone who would differentiate his own children from mine.

Is it possible for your son to go to the football-would he even want to, or does your partner see the football as "special time" with his children?

BelfastBloke · 17/09/2010 13:46

Depends on a number of clarifications:

What does "DF" mean? Friends? That would dictate what level of expectation you might have from each other.

What does "taking DS to football" mean? Watching (in which case the tickets might cost quite a lot, in advance), or DS playing, or "DF" playing?

onadietcokebreak · 17/09/2010 13:47

YANBU....ask him and see what the reply is.

BelfastBloke · 17/09/2010 13:47

Ah, Fiance!

cupcakesandbunting · 17/09/2010 13:51

YABU to expect it but he is being weird by refusing to do it. I thought that partners helped one another out?

booyhoo · 17/09/2010 13:52

em, he is your fiance and he can't see fit to looking after your son??? does he think you mightnt want him to babysit. have you asked him?

theredhen · 17/09/2010 13:55

Yes, it's fiance.

Now I've thought about it some more, I think he is making a point to me.

I recently pointed out to him that it would be nice if he consulted with me before agreeing to have his kids for extra days with his ex seeing as I live in the same house rather than being told after the plans had been made as a passing comment. I think he took it as me telling him he couldn't have his kids on those days, but he refused to discuss it after this even though I tried explaining many times that I just wanted to be considered not as an after thought as if I don't do anything for his children.

I think he sees this situation as the same even though I don't have a "choice" on whether my child is with me or not this weekend.

DF is taking DS to play football. Midday would be perfect for me to go out and as far as I'm aware DF has no plans for Sunday afternoon anyway - it's normally the time the children do their homework.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 17/09/2010 13:59

Seriously, if you having these sort of 'issues' over childcare arrangements now do you really want to be married to him? It's always going to be 'your' child or 'his' children.

booyhoo · 17/09/2010 13:59

you have alot of talking to do before you get married.

superv1xen · 17/09/2010 14:06

OMG YANBU

he is gonna be his STEPSON ffs OF COURSE HE SHOULD OFFER

(i have a massive bugbear with this kind of thing atm as i have a friend whose new hubby wont ever babysit her DD (ie his stepdaughter) my god it fucks me off)

BelfastBloke · 17/09/2010 14:07

Surely it also depends on how the whole set-up (fairly new, right?) is being handled, emotionally, by all the kids. It may well be that time spent with his own kids is necessary, depending on their ages and adjustment to their living situation?

GeekOfTheWeek · 17/09/2010 14:19

Your ds is 12.

Can't he stay at home on his own for a few hours? (If the ds is happy to do so obviously)

theredhen · 17/09/2010 14:24

Yes he could stay at home on his own and if I was still single this is probably what would have happened although I might have stayed a bit closer to home with friend.

The trouble is when he becomes part of a bigger family, I am effectively asking whoever is in the house (ie. my fiance) to be responsible for DS just as if he goes out he is expecting me to be responsible for his DC. Not a problem for me as long as it's only for a few hours.

OP posts:

bratnav · 17/09/2010 14:25

I think that as time goes on you should both start treating each others biological children as your own. This is what happened over the first 6 months or so after DH and I started living together and it seems the only sane way that it works for us. DH would never not have 'my girls' if he was able to, regardless of whether we have DSD or not.

I thunk you both need to sit down and have a thorough discussion of how you both see your blended family working in future.

Minxie1977 · 17/09/2010 14:30

Was going to say YABU for 'expecting' anyone to care for your child but as you are a FAMILY I'd say YANBU - it's madness. Sounds like you have touble communicating in your relationship. Why didn't you just say 'XP has cancelled so DS will have to spend aft with you?'. He has no plans, has his own children there and surely you are meant to be a unit?

theredhen · 17/09/2010 14:33

I didn't say it because he made the comment about me having to change my plans before I had a chance to.

OP posts:

nickelbabe · 17/09/2010 14:33

he sounds like he's being really mardy about this.

you said to him that you wanted him to ask you when he wanted you to look after his children, and he interpreted that as you not wanting to look after his children.

now he's doing the same to you.

except that not what you said.

is he being arsey about it too?

you shuold now ask him if he would look after your son this weekend so that you can still go out with your friend.

but i totally agree that if youare going to marry, that you bot h have to accept each other's children as if they were your own.

fedupofnamechanging · 17/09/2010 14:35

I would ask him outright to babysit. I don't think it is workable long term to only look after your own biological children. Where you go from there, rather depends on his response. If he does refuse, then I think you should be considering your position wrt getting married, because it would be petty and nasty for him to not help you out.

Certainly, you need to have a proper talk about responsibilities before the wedding, so you can make decisions knowing where you stand.

He has more DC than you, so arguably will need more help in the future. Think he will be cutting off his nose to spite his face if he makes this an issue between you.

harassedinherpants · 17/09/2010 14:38

I'm a stepmum and mum. Between us dh and I have 4 kids, my 2 ds's, his dd and our dd. The boys have left home now, but all ours are treated, and always have been, as if we're both responsible.

As your df, you are partners and imo that includes your children too. I agree he might be making a point, but you should be consulted if he's making different arrangements for his children to come. It's your home too.

By coincidence dh got a flea in his ear as his ex has changed how often we have dsd for the 2nd time in as many months, to suit her working hours. No ask, just a tell on her part, and I'm assumed to go along with it. I don't mind actually, just want it recognised that it's my weekend too and I should be consulted.

Minxie1977 · 17/09/2010 14:38

I would have said 'why do I need to change my plans DF? Can you not step in, like I do for you my beloved?'

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theredhen · 17/09/2010 17:13

I have asked him outright and after sounding a bit surprised has agreed. I now find myself making plans for us to do things tomorrow with all the kids so he doesn't feel he hasn't done anything this weekend. It's like I feel guilty for going out for a few hours in several months.

I am here now looking after 4 of our children and cooking a roast dinner while he works and picks up the other DD. He also surprise announced that he is going out to work early in the morning, obviously meaning that I will be looking after all 5 kids. Not a problem at all, but I need reminding that it works both ways and he is not doing me a "favour".

OP posts:

Minxie1977 · 17/09/2010 17:26

TBH he sounds a bit selfish when it comes to the children. Just expects you to look after all 5 but doesn't expect that he would have to in your circ's . Do you work? I just wonder if you do most of the childcare so he sees it as your role?

Lauriefairycake · 17/09/2010 17:28

He sounds selfish

Don't be an idiot and marry him

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