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AIBU?

to be ticked off with Grandma about bedtimes

30 replies

PinkyMe · 12/08/2010 07:45

Actually I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm just cross anyway.
For the 1st 6 mths of my dds life, bedtimes were an absolute nightmare with DH and I having little to no sleep. I remmeber driving round at 2am just to get her to sleep.
We eventually, reluctantly, tried controlled crying and since then she's been fine.
REcently Grandma had to put her to bed as I was visiting DH in hospital. I was very clear about the importance of sticking to our routine, but no, she decided to ignore it all and rocked dd to sleep every night.
Now she's left I am having an awful time getting dd to go to sleep. Last night it took 3 hrs with her screaming blue murder everytime I left the room.
I appreciate Grandma being their for her son and me, but I'm so frustrated and cross that she couldn't just leave well alone.

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sanielle · 12/08/2010 07:56

Did mil let you know before hand that she was unable to use controlled crying? If so YANBU.

Some people may not be able to accept it. I couldn't allow a baby to cry, sorry this isn't meant to be a reflection on your parenting decisions just saying I'd have found it impossible, if that was the case she should have told you from the start. If she warn you then YABU.

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OrmRenewed · 12/08/2010 07:58

Agree with sanielle - I'd have to refuse to look after a baby if I was told that I had to leave her to cry. Goes against all my instincts.

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lifeas3plus1 · 12/08/2010 08:04

I'm guessing as you have already done controlled
crying and you said your dd has been fine since then that grandma didn't have to listen to her cry and just went against your wishes of rocking her to sleep rather than putting her in her cot.

I would be a bit pissed off too I that's the case but think I'd have to suck it up. She helped you out when you needed it and I wouldn't want to jepodise that help in the future.

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gingernutlover · 12/08/2010 08:11

YANBU to be annoyed, but its probably better to rant on here than have a falling out with your MIL - because she will never believe she did the wrong thing.

Your dd is probably a little unsettled by the change in person putting her to bed, and it may take a few days to get back to normal. How many nights did MIL put her to bed for? And how old is your dd now?

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PrettyCandles · 12/08/2010 08:20

Would your dd have cried bitterly for a long time if put to bed the way your routine requires? If so then YABU. I don't think you can expect a dgm to do controlled crying, no matter what she did with her dc. It is just too painful.

My ds1 used to cry himself to sleep, but I put him to bed in my mother's house several times, so that she could hear how he settled within 10 minutes or less, and that he cried down, not up. I also told her that if the crying got worse, or he wasn't settled within 20mins, she should go in to ds and stroke him. Knowing and understanding how he settled himself enabled her to accept his crying and to tolerate it for the short time necessary.

She has rocked all 3 dc to sleep many times. Sometimes it drives me nuts, because there was no reason to do so (eggood sleeper who would havd self-settled given thechance). But I've chilled a bit and realised that grandmothers who will look after the dc are a luxury abd a treasure, and a chance to cuddle a sleeping baby is like heart-medication for them. Even if I then have to be the disciplned one sorting the routine out again.

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PrettyCandles · 12/08/2010 08:21

Hope your dh is recovering well!

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moonminmama · 12/08/2010 08:29

I totally understand how you feel op. I had similar feelings about my mil when ds was little. I however had to follow the advice of the mm ladies and 'suck it up' it was a nightmare and I got myself all worked up about it. But ds is 4 next week and has a brilliant bedtime routine and always has had, despite the odd night following him staying at his nana house.

I'm afraid you really do have to just grin and bare it because in return you get to have the odd night without your little one to spend 'adult time' together. Hopefully in the future it will be in more pleasant circumstances.

Hope your dh is ok x

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pjmama · 12/08/2010 08:36

It's entirely possible that DD may have regressed at bedtimes even without the MIL hiccup, they do like to move the goalposts for no apparent reason! Also she may have been more unsettled because you and DH weren't there and harder to soothe anyway - lots of different factors involved. I wouldn't be too hard on your MIL, she was probably just handling things as best she knew how and her priority would have been to comfort DD as best she could - not a bad thing really. You will get back on track with bedtimes and it probably won't be the last time that something disturbs her routine. You just have to roll with it!

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Gibbon · 12/08/2010 08:50

There is no way I could look after a baby and leave it to cry.

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cryhavoc · 12/08/2010 08:50

As you said, you know you're being a bit unreasonable. She was helping you. I certainly wouldn't have denied my mother or MIL the opportunity to rock DD to sleep when she was a baby, especially if it was just a few nights.

As someone has already said, babies move the goalposts all the time, often for no reason at all.

I understand it can be frustrating - my MIL looked after my 2.5yo dd last week for a few days, and decided that she was too old for an afternoon sleep now (no doubt to increase Grandma playtime). It took a few day to get her back into her routine when I got back, but wouldn't dream of complaining - she is her Grandma and she was looking after her!

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Chathappy · 12/08/2010 09:00

When my dm or mil babysit it sometimes takes us a good week to get both dcs back in routine and back to normal.

They have usually been filled up with sugar and allowed to stay up later than normal and also destroy the house with toys with no one telling them to tidy up etc or ever telling them off about anything.

So because of that they usually spend the next few days being extra cheeky, not going to bed on time (because theg are wide awake!) and generally bring grumpy where they are tired.

But you know what, I would never say anything or change anything as those child free nights are a godsend and I'm lucky I have someone to babysit them in the first place. So as commonly suggested by many mumsnetters (and in the nicest possible way!) I would 'suck it up'. It can be a pain but Dc will get back in routine soon enough

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IsItMeOr · 12/08/2010 09:02

Pinky - you don't mention how old your DD is now?

I'm assuming that if you went down the CC route, your DD was going to bed for you with little or no crying when MIL came to stay? And you're cross because you went from that to 3 hours of screaming after her visit?

What you need to bear in mind is that young children are very upset by any change to their routine, so it is extremely unlikely that your DD will have settled for MIL as she would for you. In other words, Granny was probably presented with a far more upset child than you would have seen.

It is unreasonable to expect GPs to do CC in those circumstances, tbh. If you read Ferber, who is the main person behind CC, he would say the same.

You just have to accept that you will have a hard time after a disruption to your DD's routine, e.g. a holiday might cause the same problem. But if CC worked for you once, it will work again. If you don't want this to happen, you need to never disrupt your DD's routine, which is probably unrealistic.

HTH you to understand why YABU. It would be nice if nothing ever upset our DCs, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

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Onetoomanycornettos · 12/08/2010 09:12

You have got good advice so far, your LO will have been very unsettled without you there and very distressed and I'm sure you wouldn't have wanted the granny to leave a hysterically distressed child. I found that even after my eldest was sleeping well, there would be times she would unsettle and have a few bad nights, and you do then have to get the back on track. But you can do that.

I don't think you can criticise the granny in this situation, they can't parent the same way as you, I'm sure it wasn't deliberate sabotage, just muddling through til you got back which wa s disruptive but entirely normal, plus your LO probably needed the extra cuddles more than normal at bedtime as her source of security had disappeared. I think you are being too hard on the granny and feel a bit sorry for her!

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Morloth · 12/08/2010 09:25

My God, the woman cuddled her granddaughter to sleep?! Cut all contact, what a bitch.

Be grateful there were loving arms available maybe?

YABU

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PinkyMe · 12/08/2010 20:45

You are all right, I do need to suck it up, hard but hey, it's what I do whenever she pisses me off.

Just to clarify, dd is 2, and no MIL didn't stay because she cried, she stayed bcus she wanted to rock her to sleep. I know this because she more or less said so. She can't believe how I can leave her alone to fall asleep and would instead sit with her on her lap until she was asleep. I have been told (in jest) that I am a terrible mother for leaving her to cry. I accept not everyone can do cc, and to be honest it was something I didn't want to do initially, but when you've had no sleep for days and are at the end of your tether, you'll try anything.
Or I would.
It only took a couple of weeks to sort her out and pre Grandma's visit she only cried a bit (more like a protest whimper) and often would chat to herself while lying in bed falling asleep.
Now I can't leave until she's asleep or I'm faced with hysterical screaming and she doesn't want to lie down at all. I feel like we are back to those early days.
Despite all this I accept that I can't have it both ways. If Grandma is helping then I have to accept some disruption after she leaves. Don't have to like it though.

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Morloth · 12/08/2010 20:52

I can't do CC.

If I am babysitting and the baby cries I cuddle them. This is not a secret, you leave your baby with me I am going to cuddle them to sleep - you presumably knew this about Grandma when you asked her to babysit.

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PinkyMe · 12/08/2010 20:59

Actually I did and I see your point, but this wasn't the problem. I didn't expect her to cuddle dd to sleep when she wasn't crying. I thought and still think that it is important that kids can fall asleep themselves without being rocked. Obviously if my dd is distressed I would cuddle her. That is why it's taking me so long to put her to bed now. Cause I'm not just leaving her to cry for 3 hrs.

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Morloth · 12/08/2010 21:02

Ooh but they are so yummy and this is her little grand daughter. How can you be cross with her? She probably sat there with her on her lap and watched her sleep.

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Morloth · 12/08/2010 21:03

Don't be cross just be grateful that your DD has someone who loves her so much. Mum/MIL do things differently to me sometimes, but my goodness they adore my DSs any inconvenience to me is worth that.

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PinkyMe · 12/08/2010 21:06

Precisely.

I know I'm being unreasonable. I guess there is some history here so last night when I was all stressed out, I happily directed my annoyance at her.

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toccatanfudge · 12/08/2010 21:11

this wasn't a "baby" though - it was a 2yr old who has been sleeping well for 18 months (after doing CC 18 months ago.....)

I would have been annoyed too if she'd rocked her to sleep when she wasn't upset...

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Eglu · 12/08/2010 21:16

Agree with with toccatanfudge. It was not a little baby she was rocking to sleep. A 2yo is not exactly a tiny little snuggly thing in your arms. I'd be furious. It sounds like you have enough on your plate without problems with your DD sleeping now.

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toccatanfudge · 12/08/2010 21:18

obviously goes without saying if the DD was upset then rocking would be fine - but knowingly putting a bedtime routine out - only makes harder work for the grandma surely as well!

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Morloth · 12/08/2010 21:19

Really? You guys would be cross that your kids Grandmother loved them so much she wanted to cuddle them to sleep?

Well there you go, can't get my head around that at all. I would cuddle my 6 year old to sleep if he would let me.

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maighdlin · 12/08/2010 21:21

YDNBU my mum still treats my DD like a new born and spoils her rotten and then it takes a week to get her back to the lovely sleeping child we worked so hard to get for.

average conversation

Me - Did she go to asleep for you?
Mum - Oh No! she didn't go to sleep until after twelve.
Me - Why?
Mum - She was up playing, had no intention of going to sleep.
Me - Yes thats cos you were up playing with her. she goes to bed at 8 and no later! She very rarely is falling asleep at 8 but once you do her routine she knows its bed time and falls asleep after ten mins.
Mum - Well she was having none of it last night, and don't you go shouting at me I raised four kids myself blah blah etc.

fight

drives me mad. she also rocks her to sleep, checks on her, does her nappy in the middle of the night, (my mum is used to terry nappies that need changed every hour) and until recently barely gave her solids. (she is now 1) she would get half a weetabix in the morning and rusk for dinner and about 6 bottles in between. my mum just wants a forever new born that you constantly nurse, give bottles to, and change their nappy.

sorry that was a bit of a long one but i needed to vent.