To worry that my DS has no friends when he is only 3?

[cupcakesandbunting]

Go easy on me, I'm feeling a bit emotional about this today...

DS is three and an only child. Before the six weeks holidays started he was going to playgroup twice a week and will be going to pre-school five mornings a week from September. He's really sociable, kind and funny and has one good little friend at playgroup but we haven't seen him since the holidays began, depsite my invitations for him to come and play with DS. I've tried not to take it personally because I know his mum has lots of friends with LOs already so he has mates of his own.

None of my friends have children so I don't seem to have a ready-made social circle of LOs like a lot of parents seem to. I've taken DS to the park/soft play etc since the holidays started and it breaks my heart that he seems to be the only one there alone. He tries to join in a group but gets shunted away most of the time. I'm not one of these mums who thinks "MY child is lovely, why won't they play with him" when really he's a little horror, but honestly, he's a gorgeous little boy. I feel like he should have lots of little friends. I find it easy talking to mums outside playgroup but rellay hard to make proper friendships. People seem to have their groups and they stick to them and that's fine. I don'tmind about me, just wish that DS had a couple of LOs to run about with. :(

AIBU to worry about this at such a young age? Sorry for the long post.

[fluffyanimal]

YANBU to worry - we all worry - but I don't think you need to. If it's just for the school holidays and he'll be going to pre-school in September, he'll be making more solid friendships then.

Do you think he minds at the moment? If he is happy spending time with you, why worry?

I do sympathise though, my DS1 starts school in September and will be leaving behind his best friend from pre-school who is going somewhere else. He tends to hang back when in large groups of children, so I'm worrying about him making friends. But I know that's just mother worry and that he will be fine.

[Maria2007loveshersleep]

Hi cupcake, oh I'm sorry you're feeling emotional about this :( I'm absolutely sure your son is a gorgeous little fellow & will make a good group of friends at pre-school in september.

In my case (DS is 2) I made a couple of friends in my neighbourhood who have kids the same age & we hang out together on our days off from work & during the holidays. Have you tried local playgroups? Park / soft-play are not great places to meet people because everyone is doing their own thing & usually is there with friends already. Maybe story-time at book store or library? Our local one runs during the summer too.

To be honest I feel with pre-school starting so soon you shouldn't worry too much, if you have a bit of time to go & help at pre-school, be there a bit longer at drop off / pick up time, you're bound to meet other local mums, and you'll click with some (but not all, obviously).

Good luck!

[CuppaTeaJanice]

Where are you? There's bound to be someone here on Mumsnet who lives near you, has a child of a similar age, and would like to meet up...

[cupcakesandbunting]

Fluffyanimal, he is happy spending time with DH and I but he does keep asking "when can (name of friend from PG) come and play?" because they did play together dring term-term but DS seems to have been forgotten now, but like I said, not taking it personally...

Maria, DS went to PG and I used to take him to toddlers but it seemed like all of the LOs in his age-group were dropping off and getting replaced by much younger kids so we stopped going.

I think I need to find something for him to do during the holidays. It's easy to feel isolated in the holidays when you can see groups of mums/LOs out having fun and you and your LO are on your Jack Jones :)

[AllarmBells]

Cupcakes he will make loads of friends at preschool. Library is a great idea. It only takes one other mum in your situation to be in the same place at the same time and you will get talking.

Use this time for it to be just the two of you. This time next year, you might feel like you never see him! :)

[PosieParker]

My oldest made friends in the term before he was four....so just before Christmas when he was three, turning four in Feb. I wouldn't worry at three they're still very self absorbed.

[cupcakesandbunting]

I'm on the Midlands/Worcestershire border, Janice.

[wastingaway]

Cupcakes, our Surestart Centre activities are running during the summer hols, even though playgroups have finished, and there's older kids eg. 3/4 there because it's the holidays.
Might be worth a try.

[cupcakesandbunting]

Thanks, Wastingaway. What exactly are SureStart centres? I've heard posters talk about them on MN but don't know a great deal about them.

[Rycie]

Hi cupcakes, I'm sorry you're feeling so sad about this, its heartbreaking when we feel our children are being left out in some way. Firstly, I think you should remember that in all likelihood you are far more aware of this than he is, and its unlikely he shares your emotional distress, or does he indicate otherwise?

Secondly, when it comes to setting up playdates, you might find it easier if you don't put pressure on yourself to "make friends" with the other mums as such but just be friendly and chatty while your children are playing.

Have you tried to call any of the other mum's from the playgroup, perhaps you could even invite two of them over at the same time for a playdate? If there are more of you it can be easier to interact with them. I think you have to stop worrying that they're part of a group already and just pick up the phone and call them.

[Maria2007loveshersleep]

Cupcakes, yes it's a good idea to just schedule an activity for the holidays that you will both enjoy, even going to the library everyday at a similar time might get discussions going. I agree that it can feel very isolating at times as a mum, not just during holidays but any time really.

And maybe go on MN local or MN meet a mum? As Janice said there's bound to be people there who would like to meet up. TBH even 1-2 local friends that you make, with kids the same age, make all the difference to everyday life.

[Bellepink]

Could you offer to take your DS and his friend fron PG to something like a soft play centre? Depending on how well you get on with the other mum of course. If she's busy she might welcome the chance of a few hours. Or perhaps you could say that DS is always asking after him and is really missing him, so could the friend could he come for tea (rather than just asking about tea).

Other than that, I second the library option and also the Surestart centres. When I met people from PG I was shy at first and it took one bold girl in our shy, polite group to say "Let's meet up (outside the PG) if you fancy" then set up a date there & then, for things to get moving. I wouldn't have asked myself for fear of reading it wrong and nobody wanting to meet us again, but as it happened, everyone was very pleased to set up a meeting and we all got on very well.

[cupcakesandbunting]

Bellepink, I did start taking DS and his friend to soft play etc during term-time, but am assuming they have other stuff on now.

Don't know why I always thought that you could only use SureStart if you recieved benefits. Must have dreamt that one up! Understand what you mean about not wanting to ask; I always think that people might think that I'm needy/psychopathic!

[Maria2007loveshersleep]

No no SureStart is open to everyone in the local area & usually SureStart centres offer loads of stuff. NOt sure though if all that will be running during august.

As for suggesting to meet outside group etc with people, I think you need to have a sense of whether it'll go down well or not, and to take your time ie not make suggestion to meet outside PG the first time you meet someone (obv). People can always find excuses & say no, after all, if they don't fancy meeting up with you (that's happened to me a few times). There's going to be a few people you click with & a few you don't, if you just accept that it gets easier!

[FallingWithStyle]

He'll have no shortage of friends once he starts pre-school.

[MumNWLondon]

He's quite young still, do not worry at all. My DS is 4 and my DD is 6, and its really only DD who has arrangements with school friends in holidays. DS had a friend yesterday (and he's been at a nursery 5 school days all year) only because DD has had so many friends round etc.

It will be much easier once he's at nursery every day, and IME very easy to arrange playdates in the afternoons.

Does he comment that he is lonely? Do you know anyone who is going to his preschool in September - you could invite the child and mum to play (even if you don't know them at all), that way nice for him to know someone when he starts?

[Bellepink]

There'll always be space in a week for an hour or so throwing themselves around at soft play!!! I would bite hand off person who rang with such an offer. Hmm, should I battle supermarket with bored toddler who has energy to burn... or browse supermarket on my own and perhaps have a coffee & cake whilst reading a mag in the cafe afterwards...

G'on, ring her now!

[cupcakesandbunting]

Thankyou for the advice re: SureStart, will definitely look into it.

MumNW, He doesn't comment that he is lonely but he's started saying "i've got a brother" to people and making up stories involving this imaginary brother! :( I do know two mums who I speak to at PG who have LOs starting in September but don't have their numbers so couldn't arrange a playdate beforehand.

[Bellepink]

PS take Maria's point re not asking any random mums you have chatted to only for a minute to meet up outside PG, however I do think there's an element of "what the heck - I'll ask!" required to pull together potential friends.
Done lightly and with confidence you won't come over as needy, just sociable.

Have something ready to suggest such as "Is anyone going to the singing group at the library next Tuesday?" or whatever activity. Swapping phone numbers (if it feels right) also creates a tie or bond, so the suggestion isn't instantly forgotten.

[Maria2007loveshersleep]

To be honest, I don't agree with MumNW that he's too young to have friends. It depends on the child obviously, but judging from my own DS who is just 2, he hugely hugely enjoys having his little friends & keeps making lists of his friends at home & asking for them :) So it's a good idea to keep an eye out for possible friends in local area, not just for DS but for mum too. But certainly august not the best of time to do any of that.

[MumNWLondon]

When you next see them in playground ask them to come round for playdate? I called up people I only really vaguely knew to do playdate so that DD would know someone by name on first day.

re: brother comment.

[cupcakesandbunting]

Belle, I have text her already but no reply and am not going to push myself onto her, or DS onto her DS, even if DS keeps nagging about it!a

I blame my friends for being so selfish and child-free. :)

[Pheebe]

At 3 I can almost guarantee he won't give a hoot that he hasn't got 'friends'. He will almost certainly MUCH prefer hanging out with you . As other posters have said once he starts pre-school and more importantly school he will start to develop his own circle of friends, you can't start that process for him.

My advise would be relax and enjoy your DS while you are still the absolute center of his world

[MumNWLondon]

I didn't mean too young to have friends, meant young enough that if he didn't have friends until september it wouldn't be a problem.

[Bellepink]

Pah to her then! He'll make lots of friends in September - only 4 weeks to go! When he's always out with friends in the future you'll probably look back and remember the happy days when he was little, just the two of you!

A lady in a shop told me that after complimenting my toddler for being so smily and alert [ie wired!] I said, "it's a bit exhausting though". She said she had a 9yo daughter and although there were times when her DD was small she thought the day would never end and counted down minutes to bedtime, looking back now it was the best time, when she had DD to herself all day.

Can't quite believe it myself yet as I pick encrusted rusk off the sofa cushions and osquashed crayon off the rug yet again...